gin and sin
chapter eleven
won't you please let me go
these words lie inside they hurt me so
and i'm not the kind that likes to tell you
just what i want to do
i'm not the kind that needs to tell you
just what you want me to
age of consent - neverending white lights
This was it. This was the downward spiral. Roxas could feel it gnawing at the back of his head. Standing there with a little piece of paper with an address on it, at the doorway of somebody's house, he wondered if he'd even gotten the right place. He checked the address again. Yeah, it was the right address. It had to be. But it really didn't look like the kind of place that he attributed to Axel.
Clean was the word to describe it. There were trees in the front yard, and there was a garden with a white, powdery layer of snow covering the flowers that could've been. The walkway to the door was shoveled, the door had a little wreath on it, and there was a welcome mat that declared 'Merry Christmas!'
It was very odd for this residence to be Axel Erickson's house. But he didn't live here anymore. Only his mother (and maybe his father) did, now.
Tucking the paper into his back pocket, he took a deep breath. Reaching a gloved hand outward, he touched the doorbell, snapping his hand back almost immediately. He hated to admit that yeah, he was a little scared. The woman would probably assume him to be crazy if he showed up at her doorstep, asking about her junkie son.
He contemplated turning away and sprinting down the street. He contemplated pretending to be a confused 5 year old. He contemplated acting like a boy scout, or a vacuum salesman. All thoughts were erased from his brain when a tall, thin red headed woman opened the door. "Hello!" she said, thin lips pulled up into a smile.
Roxas could hardly believe what he was looking at. She had traits similar to Axel – red hair, same lips – but her eyes were a duller green colour, and there were wrinkles around her eyes. She was pretty, sure, but it was odd to come into contact with someone who probably let her son turn into the person he was today. For a moment, Roxas loathed her.
But he had to snap out of it. "…Erm, I know this seems kind of out of nowhere, but are you Rose Erickson?" he asked, feeling awkward and out of place.
Leaning herself against the doorway, the woman nodded. "Why yes, I am. What are you here for, young man? What's your name?" she inquired, with that constant smile on her face. She was so unlike her son. It was strange to think that Axel came from this woman. She seemed so… stable.
"I'm… Roxas Appledorn. Er, I really need to talk to you about some… stuff," he said, staring down at the welcome mat. It was almost too cheery. "It's about Axel." Rose's face fell, and for a moment, Roxas thought she was going to close the door.
"Come in," she murmured, instead. So, Roxas did, toeing off his shoes only to skitter into the house as Rose rapidly closed the door behind him. It was like she was trying to keep somebody out, really.
The house was even nicer inside. There was a red headed girl in a living room nearby, peering over to the entranceway, where Roxas stood awkwardly, wondering what to do. Rose looked over her shoulder. "Kairi, go upstairs, okay honey?"
The redheaded girl – Kairi – frowned. "Mom, if it's about Axel then I should stay." Rose gave her a harsh look, which the stubborn teenager returned. She must've overheard what Roxas said at the doorway. Either that or she was eavesdropping. "I have a right to know what happens to my brother, okay? Besides, I know more about him than you do now."
Roxas felt like he was stuck between a bit of a power struggle. It was obvious that this Kairi person wasn't pleased with Rose. "Kairi, I need to talk to this boy alone, first. I'll tell you what I feel you need to know later," said the older woman, with a tired expression on her face.
Kairi's eyes glinted with malice, and maybe a little bit of sadness, before she gave a typical teenage combination of a scream and a growl, and stormed off down the hallway. Rose simply shook her head, muttering, "That girl is going to get herself grounded."
Standing there with an awkward expression on his face, Roxas slipped off his coat. It was warm in the house, and a little bit musty. It was probably just the winter heating. A Christmas tree sat in the middle of the previously occupied living room, gifts crammed under the tree wherever they would fit. It was obvious that the Erickson family was well-off. Envy scratched at Roxas's back.
"Come into the kitchen. Here, I'll hang your coat up for you," said Rose, urgency evident in her voice. She wanted to hear what Roxas had to say. Maybe she thinks that Axel's dead or something.
Once his coat was dangling helplessly from a coat hanger inside the closet, Roxas found himself sitting at their quaint, probably mahogany, kitchen table. There was a dining room with a larger one for parties or dinner guests.
Rose brought him some hot chocolate. Well, it was more like lukewarm chocolate now. "You look cold," she said, with a little half-shrug of her right shoulder. Roxas blinked at her – some of her mannerisms were exactly the same as Axel's.
She sat at the opposite end of the table, and crossed her fingers together on her lap. "…So," she said, as if dreading her next words, "What has he gotten into now? Is he okay?"
Roxas sighed. "Not really. He's alive, if that's what you mean," said the youth, wrapping his hands around the mug. It was warm against his fingers. "He lives with me and my family right now."
Rose looked hurt. "So, he won't live with me, but some kid is just fine for him?" she bit out. Almost as quickly, her face softened. "I'm sorry. That's not meant in offense to you." She brought her hand to her forehead, as if trying to scare off a headache. "He just confuses me sometimes. I told him that I was sorry, and that I wanted him to come live with me, but he said that I was a… a 'dumb cunt' who couldn't mind her own business."
"He said that you kicked him out."
"Well, yes, I did," said Rose, guiltily. "I reacted badly. But I hated that Demyx boy, and I couldn't stand to see Axel… that way with him. I don't care that he's gay, and I don't care about what he did. I just wish he was honest about it with me instead of trying to push my buttons like that. I know I was harsh but… but what else was I supposed to do?" She gave him a questioning look.
Roxas sympathized with her. After all, Axel was constantly doing the same thing to him. He took a sip of the hot chocolate and held back a grimace. Too sweet. "I don't like Demyx either. But I'm trying to help Axel. I think he's getting better," said the blonde.
"I've heard so many people say that to me before. I don't believe it," muttered Rose, with a shake of her head. This was news to Roxas, to say the least.
"What do you mean by that? Has he done something like this before? Living with some random person, I mean, who… tried to do the same thing I'm trying to do?" The statement sounded better in Roxas's head, but he didn't know how else to phrase it.
Rose shook her head again. "No. When I sent him to counselors, they told me he was 'figuring himself out' and 'learning about the real him'. He'd be good for about a week, and then I'd catch him getting high. Axel can't be fixed."
Swallowing thickly, Roxas took another small sip of the hot chocolate. Anything to distract his mouth. He wanted to say that Axel didn't need to be 'fixed' – he just needed a little bit of help, a little guidance.
"But he really is getting better. He's going to a psychiatrist and he hasn't gotten high in… a few days," said Roxas, even though he knew it was a blatant lie. He'd left early in the morning because he didn't want to deal with the aftermath, to have to see Axel's reaction to what happened to his arm. A shiver ran down his spine at the thought.
Again, the woman shook her head. She looked like a rag doll, a little more worn down than she had before. Talking about Axel's habits obviously tired her out.
"He'll do that sometimes. Just quit everything. But something will happen, and he'll just go back to it. All Axel can do is take. He's selfish. He doesn't care about anybody but himself."
"That's not true."
Roxas gave her a hard look, which Rose returned. It looked more like acid— Axel's signature look. "I'm his mother. I know more about him than you do."
"You haven't seen him in almost four years! How much can you know?" snapped Roxas. Rose's expression immediately went somber. "I know him right now, and the Axel that I know is willing to change. I think."
Awkward silence hung between them. Roxas was slowly beginning to learn why Axel hated his mother so much. While she wasn't as bad as Axel had said, she had no faith in people whatsoever.
He decided to bite the bullet and get straight to the point. "Where has Axel been living for the past three years? Do you know?"
Rose shook her head. "Of course not. I haven't talked to him in four years, as you said." There was a level of cold anger in her voice, and that was where Axel and her differed. When he got angry, everybody knew about it, while hers was far more understated.
"Do you know anybody who would know?" asked Roxas, frustrated. His fingers tensed around the mug.
Again, Rose shook her head. "I'm sorry. I really can't help you there. Only he can tell you, I suppose." Roxas gave a heavy sigh, letting his hands slide back down into his lap. He was stuck, again. It seemed there would be no end to this ridiculous search.
There was an awkward silence, yet again. Rose didn't have anything more to say, and Roxas didn't know what else to do. The mug clinked against the table as Roxas put it down rather roughly, but Rose didn't even seem to notice.
"…Would it make things any better if I brought him here, just to talk, or whatever?" murmured the blonde, hesitantly. He didn't know what the woman would say in response to this. Maybe she'd be eager to see him.
He got the exact opposite reaction. "No. Don't you dare bring him around here," said Rose, lethargically pulling herself out of her seat. She looked about ready to push Roxas out the door, now. "He'll only ruin things here, and I don't need him influencing Kairi."
Roxas stood as well, giving her a questioning look. "He's your kid; you should at least give him a chance. I'm sure he'd talk to you if he was given the opportunity," said the teen, somewhat defensively.
She led him to the door, yanking at the handle so hard that it might've pulled at the hinges. Cold wind slithered into the house, but Roxas wasn't ready to reach for his jacket and admit defeat.
"I've given him all of the chances I can. I've already made up my mind. I don't want to talk to him. As far as I'm concerned, he's dead. I don't care what happens to him anymore," said Rose, voice quivering somewhat. Her back was facing him. He couldn't tell if she was crying, or just angry. "He's hurt me too much. I don't want to feel guilty about what a bad mother I was. Not anymore."
Roxas did feel sympathy for her. He truly did. But at the same time, all he could think about was his own mother, and how she'd abandoned him. Besides, Axel needed somebody else to help him. Roxas couldn't do it alone.
"You… you aren't a bad mother," said Roxas. He wondered if he could persuade her somehow.
She shook her head, again. "No, I'm not. He's just a bad son."
There wasn't anybody at the bus stop. Roxas sat on the bench, hugging himself to keep from freezing. He was pretty much sure that his ass was frozen to the bench. He tried pulling himself up. Yep, frozen to the bench.
"Fuck," muttered Roxas, now beyond frustrated. He wanted to go home, and he wanted to go hide behind a dumpster and smoke pot, and he wanted to go punch Rose in the face and he wanted to do a lot of things that he just couldn't do. He could never do enough.
But hell, did his ass ever get un-frozen when a sharp little fingernail jabbed him in the back of the head. Roxas spun around, stumbling to his feet to get a better look at his 'attacker'.
"It's you!" he said, and Kairi gave him a look of confusion. "Er, Kairi, right?"
The girl tensed her arms around herself. She was only in a sweater – a rather expensive looking one, but way too thin for this kind of weather – and Roxas wondered why she wasn't wearing a coat.
She probably looked more like her father. Sure, she still had the typical Erickson family red hair, but it was almost a light brown, and her eyes were a murky shade of purple-blue. She wasn't nearly as pale as her mother, or her brother. She was almost as thin as Axel, probably, but still had a little bit of baby fat in her cheeks.
"Yeah, it's Kairi," said the girl, frowning. As she spoke, Roxas could see the familiar glint of metal. Braces, most likely. The creases in her forehead made her appear possibly older than her brother. She'd probably done quite a bit of frowning in her lifetime. "You need to tell me what you said to my mom, because she never tells me anything, and it's really hard for me to get a hold of Axel."
Roxas observed her for a quiet moment. He didn't quite know what to say to her, really. She was just some girl who was the sister of some boy, who he pretended to know. "Axel is… okay."
Kairi snorted, shrugging her shoulders. "That's what he told me, too. 'I'm okay, Kairi, don't worry your stupid little head about it. Just do good in school and make mom happy'. That was all he ever said, and I'm sick of hearing it."
She was still shivering. Roxas had half a mind to take off his coat and hand it to her, but he wasn't sure if she'd take it or not. She seemed the type of girl who'd never touch his Wal-Mart clothes. "What do you want me to tell you, then?"
"Tell me whatever you can."
The skinny little girl shivered. Roxas slipped off his coat and handed it to her. Apparently, she didn't care at this point if it was Wal-Mart sheik.
"Last night he was digging his arm out with a pair of scissors because he was all fucked out on coke, and he's whoring himself out, and he's going to see this therapist guy who looks more like a serial killer, and he took me to a party and I tried to protect him, kind of, but I ended up drunk and puking my guts out, he's still friends with Demyx and Demyx is friends with my little brother, and he baby sits my little sister all of the time, and I think he really misses you, and I'm so fucking stuck, I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to save him."
Kairi blinked at him, looking more like a deer trapped in headlights with that big, poofy jacket draped over her shoulders. She still had that harsh edge to her eyes, but her frown had softened, and she didn't look nearly as inquisitive.
Letting his head hang, Roxas only averted his eyes when he saw the bus puttering down the street in the distance. Kairi didn't give him his jacket back, yet.
"If he's going to a therapist willingly," began Kairi, trying to find the words. Her lips were blue, "then you're helping already. If he's actually trying, kind of, then you've got to be doing something. Even if it's little. I think I have faith in you."
Roxas's lips pulled into a little smile. "You're probably the first person who does."
She handed him his coat, and asked him for a piece of paper. Pulling a worn-down stick of 'Kohlberry' eyeliner out of her back pocket, she scribbled her cellphone number down. "Call me, soon, okay? If anything else happens. And tell Axel to call me, I need to talk to him. It's been months."
"Okay," said Roxas, shoving the paper into his pocket, before turning towards the bus. Kairi offered him a silver-and-pink smile, before darting off back to her house. She had to shimmy up a drainpipe to get inside, anyway. Mother hadn't known she'd run off. Secrets are secrets, after all.
"You have ketchup on your face."
Tidus blinked at him, before pulling his sleeve over his hand and scrubbing furiously at his lips. He didn't stop, either, and his lips were bright red in mere moments. Axel raised one eyebrow, lips curling up in amusement.
"You have a bug on your nose."
Tidus gasped loudly, slapping his hand over his nose harshly. Axel could practically hear the cartilage crunch. The blonde pulled his hand back to look at his fingers, face scrunching up into a frown. "There wasn't a bug there," he muttered.
The door closed shut. Axel found himself looking up at Auron. Auron with a mug of something, and a manila folder under his arm. Any trace of sly enjoyment disappeared from his face. No, he really wasn't looking forward to being here alone. Tidus, however, looked far happier when Auron was in the room. Even with the twitchy little perma-smile on his face (that severely scared Axel, at some points), he looked different.
"So." Auron could make one word seem like an entire, horribly difficult and esoteric sentence that only the most intelligent of professors at Harvard Law could understand.
The word hung in the air for a moment. Auron took that sliver of time to shoo Tidus from the room, and to take a seat opposite the red head. He set the manila folder down onto the side table, and held the mug in one hand. It was tea. Axel frowned. What a pussy.
"So, what?" muttered Axel, tugging his legs up onto the chair. He pressed them up against his chest, creating a sort of physical barrier between himself and Auron. The mental one was already there, at least.
More silence.
Auron sipped his tea. Real fucking manly. "Tell me anything you want. I'm here to listen." He didn't seem like much of a talker. Perfect job for him, really. He didn't even need to say much to get his point across. That was the thing about Auron – he could give you a look that told you an entire story.
Axel sighed. "Look, can we cut this session short? I really don't want to be here, and you look like you'd rather be drinking your pansy tea. I'll suck you off and everything, and it'll be peachy for the both of us. You don't look like you get much action, anyway, old man."
His lips crinkled into a smile. "What do you think Tidus is for?"
Axel's face fell.
"I'm kidding."
The red head snorted, kicking out one leg onto the coffee table. "Fucking retarded old man."
"I use Tidus for his ass. Shuyin gives better head."
"…I think I like you."
Auron shook his head. Well, that tact had gotten him a little bit more brownie points. Axel almost didn't think he was only kidding. Auron was kind of a creepy guy, and with a kid like Tidus running around, well, what exactly could be expected? Axel knew he'd probably take advantage of something like that.
Still, doctor-patient conduct or some kind of other bullshit.
Auron opened his manila folder. What an ugly shade of beige-white. Axel kind of wanted to gag. Pulling out paper after paper, Auron's narrow eyes skimmed the lines. "So, what do you feel like telling me today? Talk about anything. Anyone."
The red head sighed. "I don't know what to say, okay? I haven't done this whole therapy jazz in a long time." Auron didn't say anything for quite some time, and the silence dragged on, the clock snapping hands over Axel's head.
"Okay. I'll… talk about Selphie, then, I guess," said Axel, picking the first thing he could think of. He drew a little pattern on the arm of the leather black chair, little stars, a heart. He scribbled the heart out as a second thought. "She's… I don't know. I have a kid sister, not as young as her, more like Naminé's age, but I think I like Selphie better. Naminé's really weak and I don't like that in most people.
Uh, Selphie can be annoying at times, but most of the time she makes me feel better about stuff because she isn't as judgmental as older people, I guess. I don't feel like I have to impress anybody—"
"Bullshit."
Axel flicked venomous eyes upward. Auron was doodling circles on the outside of his manila folder. He'd already drawn a picture of a bunny with its ears cut off. It was crying. He set his pen down.
"You don't care what people think. You don't want people to accept you. You only tolerate the kid because she can't tell you have a drug habit, and she doesn't bother you about it." Auron offered a know-it-all smile with a hint of cynicism and typical old man creepiness.
Axel blinked.
Shaking his head, Auron picked up his pen again. "You aren't as hard to figure out as you think. I deal with people like you for a living. I know your type."
Axel's face wrinkled in disgust. "My type? You don't know anything about me."
Laughing lightly, Auron sipped his pansy tea. Axel wiggled his toes inside of his shoes in discomfort. He kind of wanted to go out and get high. Dealing with this guy was too much for him to handle.
"Well, not yet," said Auron, lips still in one of those uncomfortable half-smiles, "but I will soon. You'll crack under the pressure sooner or later."
Axel rolled his eyes, kicking both legs onto the floor, only to pull himself to his feet. He paced around the room for a moment, Auron following him with his eyes. He didn't like this kind of scrutiny. Even Roxas didn't put him on the spot like this. He preferred the method the blonde was taking – earning his trust, hell, his friendship before pressing all of these questions on him.
"You obviously don't want to tell me anything. That's fine," murmured Auron, eyes downcast again. He was scribbling something on his papers. "But, eventually, you'll get bored of the silence, and you'll start to talk."
"Shut up. You don't know that I'll do that," grumbled Axel. He leaned against the wall, letting his head thunk against the wall rather loudly. "You're just assuming, because that's what you old fuckers always do."
The psychiatrist cocked his head, still keeping that eerie smirk plastered across his face. Axel tried not to think about it too much. He flicked his eyes away, instead concentrating on the pattern on the floor. Ugly floor. It stayed that way for long, tiring minutes, until Axel stormed over to the door. "I don't have to put up with your psychological bullshit," he snarled, slamming the door as he left the room.
Auron watched the clock.
The door closed quietly, and Axel (slightly red in the face), glowered down at the older man. "…Tidus wouldn't stop talking," he mumbled, taking his seat once again. Predictable. "That's why I'm back. Don't you fucking think it's because I want to be here."
Shaking his head, Auron smiled. "Sure."
Axel kept pulling his sleeves down. Tia didn't really take it to mind at first, but it did pique her interest when Selphie latched onto his arm, and he immediately winced. She was going to start asking questions, but Roxas had apparently gained the ability to have horribly bad timing, and the blonde rushed into the house, out of the cold.
"Welcome back. Where in the world have you been all day, anyway?"
Shrugging out of his jacket, Roxas gave his mother a look of confusion. "Um, Hayner's. I thought I told you this morning," he lied, raising a hand to brush through his damp hair. Tia rolled her eyes. Typical boys, forgetting to inform their worried mothers as to where they'd puttered off to for an entire day.
Axel wobbled into view, pulling himself off of a kitchen chair. He hadn't really been feeling well since that afternoon, but he didn't really feel like talking about it – especially not to Tia.
Once Roxas was in the kitchen, he quickly took hold of the older boy. "Hey, come upstairs with me," he insisted, sparing a second to give Selphie a hug, and to wave to Naminé out of habit. Before Axel even had a chance to ask why he was being dragged up the stairs, and pulled into the blonde's room. Roxas all but cornered the red head, planting both of his hands on the taller boy's shoulders.
"Kiss me."
Axel gave him the most incredulous expression he could surmise. "Are you high?" He went to pluck the smaller boy's hands off, but Roxas wouldn't budge. "Come on, Roxas, stop fucking with me."
"I'm not fucking with you. Seriously," insisted the blonde, leaning forward, resting his forehead in the crook of Axel's neck. "I'm just trying to… to figure something out."
"And what's that, if you're fit for a mental ward? I'm not being some fucking guinea pig," said Axel, brashly. He snagged his hand in Roxas's hair, pulling the boy back to face him. "I hate head games, Roxas. If you're playing with me, I'll—"
"Do you have any idea how worried I was about you, all day? It scares me how much I think about you." Roxas's hands tensed, ever so slightly. He wasn't used to talking about this kind of thing. Feelings were for faggots. He wasn't a faggot. Well, he wasn't sure, at least.
Jaw clenched, Roxas was scared. He honestly wasn't sure what to do. He didn't know how he felt about Axel, or if he really liked other guys, or if it was just this guy in particular. He didn't even like Axel. He didn't feel necessarily attracted. He just had this overwhelming urge to protect him, to help him, in some way. He couldn't trust Axel, but Roxas felt like he could tell him anything.
"I really don't know what the hell to do. I want to make you better."
Axel sighed, again, trying to pull Roxas's hands off of his shoulders. He managed this time, and the blonde's arms fell limply at his sides. "If this is some kind of love confession…"
"I don't love you," said Roxas, sharply, "I barely like you. I… I really don't know what I'm thinking, but I want something from you." At this, Axel raised an eyebrow, and stepped further away.
"If you want sex, get in the fucking line and pay up-front."
Roxas gritted his teeth. "I don't want to fuck you, either." Not right now, at least. Oh fuck, I am so going to hell for this. "I just… I want to be friends. Maybe… maybe more than friends. I want you to have something to give a fuck about, other than your own goddamn drug habit."
Axel's hands twitched.
"I want to… fuck, I want to care about you, okay? I do care about you, and that's why I let you do the shit you do, and that's why I let you invade my house, my family, my own goddamn bed, and that's why I let you take up all of my time, and that's why I don't have a girlfriend anymore and… fuck, I forgot the point of what I was trying to say."
"Are you telling me that you want to be my boyfriend, or something?" asked Axel, voice somewhere between curiosity and total horror.
Roxas gave him the most wide-eyed, mousy expression that Axel had ever seen. "…I think so," he said, more of a squeak than a statement. The red head almost laughed, instead back-stepping and landing on the bed.
"I knew you'd turn out gay," said Axel, snidely. Truth be told, he was trying to cover up his own quiet excitement. He'd never really been asked to be somebody's boyfriend before. It had always just simply happened, with a quick fuck, or a drunken kiss – and poof; insta-relationship. Of course, his relationships only really included mass consumption of anything illegal they could find, and shameless fucking anywhere they saw fit. He felt like a damn twelve-year old girl.
Blushing, Roxas took up a seat on the bed beside him. "Shut up. It's… it's just really weird, all of this," he muttered, shaking his head. "Two months ago I didn't know who you were, and I would've never thought I could… agh."
Crossing his legs, Axel leaned back against the headboard. "Yeah, well, that's how it usually goes. The homophobic ones always turn out gay."
Frowning, Roxas planted his hands on his thighs. "Quit calling me gay. I'm not gay. I don't know what it is about you, but… I guess you're an exception." The red head let a tiny smile crawl across his face.
"That's not the first time I've heard something like that," he murmured, edging ever so closer to Roxas. Their knees brushed, and Roxas felt a shiver run up his spine.
The blonde swallowed. "So… um, how's your arm?" Axel blinked for a moment, before lethargically raising said appendage. He peeled back the long-sleeve, where his forearm was covered in a thin bandage.
"I haven't really looked," he muttered, fingers dancing at the gauze. Roxas's fingers joined Axel's, and he peeled back the bandage ever so slightly. "It's not that bad. I took some stuff earlier because it was hurting a bit and I had one motherfucker of a headache, but other than that, I haven't really noticed."
Roxas sighed, looking at the now uncovered wound. Patchy bruising and dozens of small incisions coupled with larger gouges. It could've been worse, probably, but it still didn't look healthy at all.
"It isn't nearly as bad as the other times," said Axel. "This shit is soft core compared to that."
Roxas looked up into Axel's acidic green eyes. "You mean you've done this before?" He damn near winced when the red head nodded manically.
"Yeah, you wanna see?"
The blonde felt like he was going to puke as Axel rolled up his pant legs. Skinny, twig-like legs were revealed, one calve with a large scarred patch. It looked like it was probably deep enough to touch the bone, at one point. "I got a skin graft on this one. I think it was like, my second time snorting when I did this. Apparently, I almost OD'd. And then I opened it again later by accident, and tore it open again with some nail scissors or somethin'. Can't remember."
"That's fucking wrong," mumbled Roxas, biting at the inside of his cheek. He really didn't understand how anybody could do that to themselves, and then continue to keep doing it to themselves even though they knew what could happen.
Again, Axel nodded. "There's another one on my thigh, but it isn't as bad as that one." He offered Roxas an earnest smile, but the blonde's eyes were still fixated on his arm.
"I should clean that again. And… wrap it back up," he murmured. He moved to get up again, but Axel's good hand grasped his arm.
The red head shrugged. "You don't have to do it right now. It doesn't hurt or anything, and it isn't bleeding. Just stay here, or whatever, and we'll talk." Roxas sat down again, and found himself blinking at Axel, wondering what to say.
"So what do we do now?"
Axel shrugged. "Look, I don't really know all that much about you. I kind of do, you know, like who you live with and the general stuff, but if you want to date or whatever, I gotta know more about you," said the red head.
The blonde nodded, leaning back on his arm. He sighed, deciding that letting the older boy know more about him would probably be for the best. He didn't often unveil his past, or even what he liked. He didn't like letting people get to know him.
"So let's play twenty questions," said Axel, picking at a piece of lint on the blanket. His arm was still in plain sight, looking angry and bruised, but he didn't bother to do anything about it. If Tia walked in, it would probably be a big problem.
"But doesn't that involve me asking you questions, too?" asked Roxas, a slightly confused expression on his face.
Axel shrugged. "Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I want to. I'm not in the mood to give you my entire fucking life story, and I don't trust you enough yet."
The blonde was a little bit insulted. Shouldn't he be totally and utterly trusted by now? Then again, he'd gone off to see the guy's mom without letting him know. Oops. If Axel ever found out, he'd probably be skinned. The red head had made it rather clear that he didn't want to talk to his mother.
"Fine, then. Who asks first?" grumbled Roxas, tone somewhat irritated. He crossed his arms across his chest, and gave Axel the evilest look he could manage, however, he still came out looking like a two year old who had his favorite stuffed bunny taken away.
"You ask. I'll answer. Then the other way around. Oh, and no asking the same questions as the person before you, okay? That's such a fucking cop-out."
Biting at the inside of his cheek, Roxas thought up his first question. He didn't want it to be something stupid, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed to ask a question like 'Were you sexually molested as a child, and is that why you are the sick fuck you are now?' It was best to start small. "What was your favorite subject, when you went to school?"
"Easy question. Science. I liked to blow shit up." Axel had a kind of spacey expression on his face, with an idiosyncratic little smile on his face. It didn't look like his usual, snarky little 'told-you-fucking-so' smile, and it wasn't the cracked-out smile he wore when he was high.
"Okay. Now you ask me a question, right?" said Roxas, fidgeting in anticipation. He was incredibly frustrated at this entire thing.
However, Axel didn't notice, or he didn't say anything. "Yep. Hm… I got one. Were you ever raped? Is that why you're such an offish, mean bastard now?"
Roxas felt like hitting his head against the wall. "I don't have to answer that!"
"So, you were raped, huh?"
"No, I wasn't fucking raped!"
"Keep your goddamn voice down."
Taking a deep, deep breath, Roxas clenched his eyes shut. A little voice in his head told him to stay calm. He needed to learn as much as he could, considering the circumstances. "I wasn't raped. I've never been raped, and why the hell do you get to ask a question like that? I'm not allowed to ask you about your 'life story'."
"Yeah, well, you never set up any boundaries for me. I'm allowed to ask whatever the hell I want, and you have to answer it." Axel's expression changed to that of utter mischievousness, and he resembled Selphie when she'd done something horribly devious.
Roxas sighed. "…Okay. My turn now," he murmured, pulling himself further onto the bed. "So, uh… how did you know that you were gay?" He kept his eyes down while asking, though he felt the subtle burn on his cheeks. He wondered if it was too personal, yet.
"I never really got an opportunity to try being straight. I was fucking, what, twelve? Yeah, I was almost thirteen when Demyx decided to haul me along to his parties. He was the first guy I was with, and then, I really didn't care about girls. They were just kind of… there. I think they're attractive and all that, but after all this shit has happened, I don't really think any girl would want to date me," said Axel, shaking his head.
Well, that was certainly a long enough answer, but Roxas still didn't really know what to do. He felt uncomfortable asking the question, and even worse hearing the answer. How was he supposed to know if he was gay, or not? He wondered if he should start seeing Auron as well. "…Your question."
"When did you lose your virginity? And to who?"
"Agh, that's a personal question!"
"…So?"
Roxas huffed, glaring at the red head. "Okay, fine. It was to my gir—ex-girlfriend. We were both fifteen."
"Details. After the fuck-load of answer I gave you, you should tell me a little about it," insisted Axel, tilting his head. "Don't be so defensive all of the time. It's not like I'm going to tell anybody else about this. I'll keep your secrets if you keep mine."
He tasted blood. Roxas knew that he'd probably bit through an entire layer of skin inside of his cheek. It hurt a little bit, but he didn't really think about it. "Um… I don't really know what to say."
"Where. How. Was it good, or bad? How big were her tits, was her cunt tight as fuck, or was she loose. Was she a virgin, too? That kind of thing."
"Of course she was a goddamn virgin! Are you calling her a slut?" spat Roxas, genuinely offended by these kind of questions. He could feel the hair on the back of his neck prickling.
Axel rolled his eyes. "I'm just asking, okay? Fuck, let's get to my next question. Why are you so defensive, so fucking mean to anybody who asks you anything about yourself."
The blonde had gotten to his feet, and stood with his back to Axel, fists clenched at his sides. "I'm not telling you my goddamn life story if you don't tell me yours. I don't trust you enough, yet."
"Fine, you know what? What do you want to hear?"
"Why don't you quit. Why do you hate your mother so much? Why are you a fucking slut? Why do you sleep in my bed? Why do you keep going back to Marluxia? Why did I pick you over my girlfriend? Why the hell do I want a whore like you, anyway?"
Axel shrugged. "I don't know."
Flopping back down on the bed, Roxas flung his arm over his face. His eyes were a little bit damp. He ignored it, though. "Exactly."
"So, answer my question."
The tension was thick enough to taste. For a moment, Roxas just lay there, legs dangling off the end of the bed. He didn't move, and he didn't breathe.
And then, he simply spoke.
"My real mom. Her name was Jennifer. When I was a little kid, my dad called her Jenny. She didn't let anybody else call her that," mumbled the blonde, slowly sliding his hand off of his face. His eyelashes stuck together. "And when he stopped calling her Jenny, she got upset. She said that I ruined her marriage. I was only six years old, so how the fuck could I ruin her fucking marriage?
Anyway, she made me sit on my hands while she hit me. Since she wasn't really all that big, she only gave me fat lips, black eyes. No serious damage. I knew it wasn't her fault though. She had a lot of antidepressants she was on, but as soon as they actually started to work, she'd quit using them. She'd tell me that she loved me, and that she was 'fixed'. All better.
My dad came back, one day. He was kind of a deadbeat. But when he did come back, Jen forgot about me. She didn't hit me, but she didn't feed me, and when you're six, you can't really do much to help yourself out of that situation."
Roxas was apparently lost in his story. He didn't even notice that Axel was holding his hand. Roxas was digging his fingernails in, but Axel didn't care. "So how did Tia come in?"
"Actually, Jen dropped me off at school for once. Only, it was Sunday, and it was pouring rain. She didn't give me time to even put my shoes on, so I was standing out there in bare-feet with no jacket or anything.
Tia was there for one of those… parent councils, or whatever. I don't really remember a lot of that afternoon, because it was all one big blur, but she had this big black umbrella and she let me stand under it while she called Jen.
Of course, Jen was really drunk when she picked up the phone. She'd gone to some bar, and ended up with a guy she didn't know, because my dad had left her again. They still don't know where he went. I still don't really know what happened, but a few days later I wound up a foster kid at Tia's house."
Axel, laying on his side, had his body curled against Roxas's limp form. His feet were hitting the floor as well, and he had both of his hands holding one of Roxas's quivering ones, their fingers close to his face. "So that's it, huh? It's not so bad, now, though. What happened to your mom?"
"She was never my mother. But Tia told me she killed herself after I got taken away. She said she loved me on her suicide note. Bullshit," mumbled Roxas, voice cracking. Axel kissed his fingers, murmuring quiet consoling words as if he were comforting a small child.
Roxas turned to face the older boy, gently pulling his hand away. "…Why are you acting so weird?"
Another one of those weird, normal smiles. "I'm playing boyfriend. Gotta comfort you or something like that, right? I used to do this kind of thing for Demyx when he would whine about his parents. It calmed him right down. Then again, he's a lot more immature than you are."
"Can we not talk about Demyx?" sighed Roxas, laying down on his back once more. Axel slid one arm across his waist, but he didn't push it away. It was kind of comforting.
He could feel Axel's warm breath against his neck. "What do you want to talk about then?"
"Ask me a question."
"You really want to kiss me? Even though you know the only thing these lips have been around in the last small eternity are dozens of hairy fat guys' dicks? I don't know any of their names or anything. I'm a prostitute, Roxas," whispered Axel, bluntly. His dry, cracked lips brushed against Roxas's ear with each word he spoke. "You're okay, knowing that I'll be sleeping with other guys? I'll never be yours completely."
"It's okay." Roxas let his eyes fall shut. He concentrated on every sensation, every little jittery movement of Axel's fingers against his side. Every warm, sliding sensation of his breathing, the press of his thin abdomen against his own body.
It wasn't really that strange. It didn't feel any different.
Roxas sat up, pulling Axel with him, sliding the both of them over to the headboard again. Leaning back, he let Axel straddle him, leaning over him with the blonde's hands resting on his skinny hips. "You really want this?" asked Axel. The question wasn't asked with its usual snide tone; rather, it was more genuine curiosity.
"Yeah, I think I do."
Axel leaned down, felt Roxas's hands tense on his sharp hipbones, but he didn't stop. Their lips met gently, awkwardly, noses bumping. Roxas was a little bit terrified. This was their first real kiss, where the both of them were sober, where it was consensual.
It didn't feel that different than kissing a girl. Then again, he didn't really have much to compare it to. Olette was the only girl he'd ever been with. Roxas wondered how many people Axel had kissed. Probably a lot more than he had.
Axel's fingers brushed his jaw, and Roxas pressed his tongue against the older boy's lower lip. Instinctively, Axel parted his lips, letting the other boy slip his tongue into his mouth.
It wasn't intense. It wasn't like one kiss was going to change his entire outlook on life. When Axel gave one last playful nip to his lower lip before pulling away, Roxas didn't feel like anything was different. His fingers picked at the hem of Axel's shirt. He could feel skin, but hell, he was in no way ready to do anything more than kiss. Axel was probably raring to go.
"What now?" asked the red head, thumb still stroking Roxas's jaw-line. "Ask me another question."
"What's your favorite colour?"
Axel stared down into Roxas's ocean eyes.
"Blue."
disclaimer: i don't own anything.