Chapter 11

2002

A stark white ceiling. No small imperfections in the paint. Where had they gone? And the colour seemed off. Like the sun wasn't really making it in through the window. And then there was this incredible heat right at her side.

The pain struck her out of nowhere, making her gasp. Just don't move that hand, she though. Right… no moving the hand, no getting up. And then the memories started flooding back in, making her want to shut her eyes again, making her wish she'd fall right back into unconsciousness. The flashes of energy bursting in front of her eyes, the sound of her own panting in her ears as she tried to block out the groans coming from the man in her arms. She blinked, but the tears wouldn't come. Just that prickling hotness in her nose. Something moved next to her. A body pressed against her side. Too small to be Evan. What a relief.

Alex turned her head. Two bulging, dark brown eyes set in brown and white fur. A dog?

She swallowed hard and sat up, wincing as she moved her hand. The dog huffed and turned on its back. The paws were far too big for the long spindly legs and the fur looked shaggy. "Poor boy," she muttered, petting the dog's chest. "Did I wake you?"

Looking around she took in her surroundings. Through the window she could see nothing but green leaves, which made it impossible to see what else was out there. The room itself was sparsely furnished. Just a narrow closet, a dresser, a chair with a desk right next to the bed… that was it. The style of the drawings on the wall was instantly recognizable. Hell, she even recognized at least two of them from the time she'd been with him.

The dog yawned again, baring his teeth. He gave Alex one last look, then he jumped off the bed, skidded on the wooden floor and rushed out of the room.

"Well, aren't we awake a bit early today?" she heard Evan say. There was the clear trail of a smile in his voice and it made her stomach lurch.

She took another look at her hand. Maybe it was just the medication wearing off, but she still felt drowsy and a bit sick. She almost wished she could rip off the bandage and put it under ice cold running water. Even if that did make the pain even worse… she reached for the pills on the desk right next to her. When had she put them there?

At least she was glad to be still wearing the clothes she'd worn the night before.

And Evan was here… well, of course he was. This was his home… his house…

Swallowing the pills probably wasn't a good idea on an empty stomach, but with every waking moment, the pulsating pain got worse, so she did it anyway. If she had to throw up, then so be it. She couldn't possibly embarrass herself more than she already had.

Tentatively, she got up and went to the door. She was standing on a sort of balustrade, staring right at the front door. On her left was one door, another one to the right, just in front of a set of stairs. Probably his bedroom and a bathroom.

"Come on, let's go outside." Evan's voice again, and then the scratching and tapping noises as the dog walked towards a door which Alex couldn't see from where she was standing.

"Morning…" she said quietly as she saw him walk through the hall below. He stood still for a moment, just looking up at her. He was wearing a blue jumper and jeans. Not the standard issue clothing she'd gotten used to seeing him in.

"Morning," he said, his voice tense. "Come on downstairs. I have coffee."

She nodded, unable to say anything else. Taking the stairs, she took a look around the entrance. Just two other rooms down here by the looks of it: a kitchen with a table and a fairly big living room overlooking a stretch of garden.

"How's the hand?"

"Hurting," she said truthfully as he came out of the kitchen again, carrying two mugs of coffee.

Evan looked her in the eye and nodded. "The painkillers were in your pocket. Did you find them okay?"

"Yes, thank you. For… for getting me out of the SGC as well."

"Not a problem." He walked past her. All business again, was it? Her stomach did another lurch, but she followed him towards the glass door leading outside. He'd taken a seat on one of the steps leading down into the garden. It was barely spring, but by the looks of it, he'd already prepared the flowerbeds. The sight made he want to just turn around and leave and she didn't even know why.

"You have a nice place here," she said as she sat down next to him. There wasn't a whole lot of room, but if she squeezed against the railing, she could be sure that their bodies wouldn't be touching.

He nodded again. "Yes, thanks…" He cleared his throat. "Alex…" And that was as far as he could go… he tensed up, sighed and took a sip of his coffee.

"I guess I feel I got a gist of what you talked about," she said, cradling her mug against her chest while she watched the dog start digging a hole in the damp grass. "Back when… when Sam died." She swallowed, but the bitter taste in her mouth wouldn't go away. She put the mug down at her feet. At least the pain medication was starting to kick in. "About how weird it is… one moment you're in there, smack in the middle, firing your gun, actually aiming at a person, next second you're… well…" She almost laughed. "Next second you're watching a terrific dog dig up you ex boyfriend's lawn, like it's the most normal thing in the world."

"Well, I wouldn't call any of this normal."

"No, you're right."

They were silent again for a moment. "Do you want to tell me what happened back on that planet?"

She shook her head. No, she didn't want to tell him. But she knew she'd do it anyway. "We were always good at talking, huh?"

He bit his lip. "You remember that drive home then." He wouldn't look at her now.

"Yes…"

"I thought you were asleep for a great deal of it."

"No… not with you right there." She rubbed her forehead. "Don't take this the wrong way. I agree with what you said. You're right. Whatever this is, or was, we can't just pick up where we left off."

"Yeah, we left it off at a really bad place."

"Yes, we did." Alex still saw the expression on his face. The hurt. The anger. And the agreement. It had been the wrong decision. Had they kept going just for a little while longer, things could be totally different now… but that wasn't the most important thing right now.

Evan was quiet for a while. Out of the corner of her eyes she saw his hand twitch, as if to take hers, but instead he rubbed the back of his head.

"We were… stuck in this tower."

"I saw it… they showed us the pictures the MALP took before you left. Not an ideal position."

She nodded. "Yes, well, we were on our way back to the Gate when it activated and the two towers were the only place to hide. There must have been at least twenty Jaffa. Maybe more. Six were guarding the Gate, the others went inside the temple. I think there were some priests there as well. It was… a kind of a funeral ceremony…" She closed her eyes. "I believe… I think what we found there was some sort of neutral ground. A place where Goa'uld bury dead hosts and symbiotes if they can't be healed by the sarcophagus anymore…"

"How d'you-"

"There were no markings, no symbols, none of the grandeur they like to show the galaxy… I don't have a lot of proof, nothing except the stuff that's on my camera, but I think, I'm almost sure that's what it was. There were mummies there… human form mummies… and they brought in a procession, carrying a human on a stretcher or something and a massive urn…" She pressed her lips together. "Sorry, I'm babbling."

His hand hit the side of her leg. An encouragement. He used to do that. How could she have forgotten? "That's the idea. Keep going."

"It's… I don't know." Sighing, she watched as the dog came bounding back towards them to throw himself at Evan's feet, completely exhausted from this short bit of exercise. "We were cut off from the Gate… and then the SGC dialled in for a moment and the Jaffa discovered the MALP… two of them ran into the temple to look for us, to get reinforcements… I don't know." She took another deep breath. "Major Pierce ordered us to get to the Gate. He, Miller and Murdoch got the Jaffa guarding the Gate and I started dialling. That's when the other Jaffa came back. I… I can't remember too much… Murdoch was guarding my back. Pierce and Miller were returning fire as we were crouched behind the DHD. They went through and then… Murdoch told me to get a move on. He was shot. Just lying there behind me before I knew it… I grabbed him and started pulling him back towards the Gate. He was hit again. He didn't even speak anymore when we got through…" She broke off. How had she managed talking like this? Telling him?

She flinched, when she felt his arm around her shoulders.

"Sorry," he mumbled, withdrawing his arm straight away.

"No… no it's not that." She shut her eyes closed, fighting against the urge to start crying again. "I… that was fine, I-"

His arm was around her shoulders again and he pulled her in. "You did the right thing… Murdoch would've died then and there if you hadn't. And he was alive when they carried him away on that stretcher."

Nodding was all she could do. There was no question she could ask which he could answer. Nothing he could say to make her feel any better.

"We don't leave our people behind," he added quietly.

"So you said." And she agreed. Wholeheartedly. "And I know it's right… just… don't you ever…" She sighed. "I understand that what we- what you are doing is important. That it's vital to all our survival. But…"

"But how do I- how do we keep our heads on straight? After shooting somebody?" His hand rubbed up and down her arm. For a moment there she thought he'd lean in to kiss her cheek again. "We just keep going. That's all I can tell you. Keep going, go to all the doctor's appointments and hope for the best." There was no smile on his face when she turned to look at him this time. His blue eyes were dead serious. It didn't help at all. She still felt like breaking down there and then. She closed her eyes, leaned against him, hoping she'd forget that image sooner rather than later. Of the flashes of pure energy hitting the ground left and right. The feeling of panic rushing through her as the hot body of Murdoch was heavy in her arms. The feeling of the sudden pressure of the gun against her hand as she fired it and the sight of the Jaffa collapsing to the ground after that bullet hit him right between the eyes. And the heat. The heat as the staff weapon blast brushed past her skin, making her drop the gun, before she managed to get Murdoch through that gate.

She shivered slightly against his chest.

"It's still chilly out here. Come on, let's get you some breakfast."

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