EDITED: Not much edited here, just took out a line or two from Sloth to fit better with her character and make her part a bit less…narmy. XD (Aug. 19th, 2012)

May 21st, 2012: Happy happy joy joy, YukinoKara hast risen from the dead and edited this chapter. Woo!

The Shortpacked! reference is deliberate, for those who are wondering.

Bleh. I don't like this chapter. I really don't like it. The only part I like is Envy's part at the end. Let me know if anything seems really off, alright?

Oh, news! I'm considering starting another fic alongside this one – however, I'm not sure if I want to do it alone. Anybody interested in an AU collab about a government conspiracy, ten experiments and Envy in the barrio? I've started a bit on the first chapter but don't expect any updates just yet XD

Malady Marksonne Malaprop: Ling's favourite is Twilight Sparkle…and Russell's is Rainbow Dash. Consider the personalities XD Ahh, shipping hopeless pairings… Of course there's still a crossdressing Envy! That's, like, 60% of the plot! I'm afraid Envy won't have any Elton John outfits, though. They're a bit much for him. Remember, he's shy!

Linea Arlis: Unfortunately it was not – I barely even knew who she was back then. And yeah, denial ain't just a river in Egypt. I figured you already knew about Cut Me Off, crazy shipper lady _

What-is-the-color-of-love: Hehehe. Which part?

Part 2: Aoi Tori (Bluebird)

Chapter 11

I'm Just A Sweet Transvestite

"Don't answer the phone or the door, don't leave the house, careful of the windows –"

Envy patted Ed on the head. "I get it, chibi! Go to school already."

"DON'T CALL ME THAT! Where the hell'd you learn that anyway?"

"Ling, of course. I like it. It suits you. Now go! You're going to be late."

Ed set off for school, grumbling to himself. He'd gotten a call that morning from none other than Professor Mustang himself, telling him in no uncertain terms that if he were to skip the Chemistry test that he apparently had that day, he would personally fail him.

"Bastard just wants to keep me in his class." That had been made clear by the husky sound in the teacher's voice when he'd told Ed that not only would he fail, Mustang would personally come over to the Elric house and teach him the value of attending school.

That's definitely not happening any time soon.

"CHIBI-CHAN!" Suddenly Ed was assaulted by some force that sent him toppling to the pavement. "Ohayo gozaimasu, aisoku puchi! Daisuki yo!"

Only the language being spoken prevented Ed from reaching for his pocket. "Jesus Christ, Ling, the hell are you on? And you know I don't understand a word of your babble."

Ling looked up at Ed, smiling as usual. "Baka."

"Oh, just ignore him. I think he had Cadbury Egg cereal for breakfast again." Russell walked up, looking as deliberately rumpled yet classy as usual.

"Ya think? Now get the lump off me. I nearly fucking knifed him, I'm so jumpy."

Russell raised an eyebrow. "Been a while since you even carried it, hasn't it? Have you ever even used it?"

"Not on another person," Ed replied evasively. "Point is, it's probably a good thing he was yelling so loudly in Japanese or I might've thought it was someone else."

Russell squatted down and poked Ling savagely in the side. "Oy, crazybrains. Up."

"But I don't wanna…"

"Stop being a lazy twat and get off of Ed. He's short enough without you crushing his bones."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TINY BEANSPROUT WHO COULD EVEN FIT THROUGH THE HOLES IN A SIEVE?" raged Ed, leaping to his feet the moment Ling rolled his weight off of him.

Russell rolled his eyes. "Getting old."

"What are you talking about, Russell? Edo-chan's complaints only get more and more inventive with each outburst!" Ling fluttered his eyes at Ed, who pushed him away.

"Don't be stupid – no, wait, that's gonna be difficult for you."

"Don't be mean – wait, no, this is you in a good mood!"

Russell shook his head despairingly. "The two of you are ridiculous."

"Yeah, well, you're boring," retorted Ling. He looked away, just missing the slightly hurt look on the English boy's face. Ed, however, saw it, and gave Russell a sympathetic glance.

"So what were you doing all weekend, lazybones?" asked Ling, appearing completely oblivious. "You didn't respond to any of my texts or anything."

"I was busy, alright?"

"With what? You have no life!"

"I was taking extra shifts at work, if you must know."

With a grumble, Ling dug in his pocket and handed the smug Russell a five-dollar bill. Ed started to ask, then shook his head, knowing there was no point.

Then –

"Shit, I'm late!" He hefted his backpack further up onto his shoulders and took off at a dash, leaving Ling and Russell far behind.

Ling blinked rapidly. "Sorry, did he just leave? I'm still getting afterimages."

"He doesn't have a morning spare, remember?"

"Riiight." Ling dropped back to stand next to Russell, then gave an exaggerated cry and fainted on the ground.

Far from being concerned, Russell crossed his arms and tapped his foot. "What do you want now?"

"Foooood…"

"Fine, I'll buy you a pastry."

"Yay!" Ling grabbed Russell's arm and pulled himself up, dusting off his all-black ensemble of clothing. "Lead the way, London boy!"

Stoichiometry is the measurement of the amount of reactants needed and amount of product produced blah blah blah god he looks good in red…

Chemistry was so boring.

Chemistry was so fucking boring.

Ed had forgotten how boring it could get without Envy to explain things in some weird poetic way that somehow made complete sense. And today, even Ling and Russell seemed more subdued, avoiding each other's glances and – horror of horrors – paying attention to the lesson. He'd already had to sit through one class and now his best friends were being stupid again.

Finally, the bell rang, freeing the trapped students for lunch. Thank god…He didn't move, though, merely slumping farther into his seat as everybody else left.

The minute the room was empty, Roy Mustang closed the door, walked purposefully over to where Edward sat, grabbed his collar and kissed him fiercely, running his thumb over the smaller boy's cheek.

"Horny bastard," Ed hissed into Roy's ear a moment later when they'd separated, nipping at his ear.

"Why do you think I hate weekends so much?" The teacher's hands travelled from his lover's jaw down to his chest, and then made their way up his shirt.

Ed closed his eyes, sinking into the warmth and the roughness of Roy's touch. He'd dreamt of Professor Mustang for years, and when the line between professor and pupil had finally been crossed, he couldn't have been happier.

He firmly pushed all thoughts of Envy out of his mind and gave in to Roy's touches.

He wasn't thinking about violet eyes.

The same violet eyes were raking over the thrift-shop clothes that Alphonse had bought at lunch and dropped off with the Angevin boys before returning to school.

Envy stood in front of the mirror in a repeat of the day before, but he didn't feel like Marilyn now. He'd discarded his clothes, which were in dire need of a wash but for now lay in a pile in the corner.

He picked up the first item – a short, layered skirt made of some black, taffeta-like material – and held it to his waist. He snorted, and then shook his head helplessly. He'd never worn girl's clothes before…

Okay, that was a lie. But he'd never worn such specifically feminine clothes before.

He pulled on the skirt, having managed to obscure the fact that he was wearing girl's underwear even from himself. The black fabric contrasted well with his moon-pale skin, but his gender was still *ahem* obvious.

I need, like…leggings, or something. Fuck, I have no idea what I'm doing. Martel never wore skirts, especially not ones like this.

Envy rummaged through the pile until he found, much to his relief, a pair of red-and-black striped leggings that seemed at first glance thick enough to conceal what needed to be concealed.

On they go, and…perfect. They might get hot, but Envy figured it was better to sweat a little than get discovered.

"Alright, what's next?" 'Next' was a button-up blouse, black, with a red rose embroidered on the breast pocket.

Breast.

Ugh. I guess I need to figure out that part at some point.

He eyed the blouse, wondering if it would fit. I guess there's only one way to find out. Pulling it on, he started doing up the buttons, feeling a little jolt of shock when he realized that it was actually roomy.

How underweight am I?

Ed's question about his eating habits returned suddenly, and Envy gulped. How bad has it really gotten?

He'd stopped eating properly after the funeral.

"Enough of that," he muttered. "You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're…" Fine.

"Envy!" The cheerful chirp from the door that had somehow opened without him noticing shocked him enough to trip over his own feet and sprawl on the floor, smacking his head painfully on the mirror.

Wrath winced in sympathy, and then smiled sheepishly. "Uh…sorry. I just finished something we could use to pass for girls!"

"That's great." Envy's eyes went to what Wrath was holding. "Where the hell did you get that bra? More importantly, how are you not freaking out?"

The younger teen chuckled nervously. "Uh, who says I'm not a little?"

Envy sighed. "So what did you do?"

"Here, I'll show you." Wrath walked into the room, but Envy scrambled away.

"No way, no way! Get that…thing…away from me!"

"What, afraid of a little underwear?" Wrath raised an eyebrow mockingly, then threw the bra at Envy's head.

"ACK! Gross! Ew ew ew!" He clawed at the offending object, eventually pulling it away from him with two fingers. "I do not want this on my face!"

"How about your torso?" Wrath sat down in front of his older brother, carefully lowering himself down with his one good arm.

"Huh?" Envy looked more carefully at the undergarment. It was heavily padded, with what looked like to be half of a stress-ball nestled in the layers of cotton glued in. "Did you do this?"

"Yeah! I looked it up on the Internet!" Wrath poked Envy's leg. "Come on, come on, try it on."

"Wait, what? Hell no!"

Wrath scowled. "You can't be flat-chested."

"Why not? Better than wearing that…thing!"

"You can't be a woman without breasts."

The blond crossed his arms indignantly, dropping the piece of clothing on the floor between them petulantly. "But breasts are weird." He quickly started backpedalling when Wrath began to snigger. "Wait, no! Not what I mean! I mean – they're nice on other people! Just – not me! GODDAMMIT, SHUT UP, YOU BRAT!"

"Hahaha, Envy thinks breasts are weird~"

"You are so immature."

Wrath only stuck out his tongue in reply.

"Fine! FINE, you conniving little horror. I'll put it on." Envy slipped out one button from its nook, and then gave Wrath a glance.

He quickly turned around, giving his brother a thumbs up. Envy snorted, trying to hide his gratitude.

"Okay…so it goes on like this…" Then he ran into another problem.

"How does the damn thing FASTEN?"

About twenty minutes of struggling later, both Wrath and Envy were in female clothes, Envy in the stockings, skirt and blouse he'd picked up (now with a distinctive swell on his chest) and Wrath in a white, pink-sleeved polo shirt and knee-length pleated pink skirt. He hadn't made a second one of the false chests yet, so he was still without boobs.

They stared at each other wordlessly, neither willing to break the awkward silence. A couple times, one or the other would open their mouths, but then change their minds, their faces scarlet.

Finally, Wrath broke the streak. "So…this is weird."

"Correction. This is really. Fucking. Weird."

Wrath immediately clapped his good hand over his ear. "LALALALA! You're not supposed to swear in front of me!"

With a roll of his eyes, Envy smacked Wrath's hand away. "Don't be stupid, you have a filthier mouth then me. So how does it feel to be a girl?"

"I…er…I dunno. I was expecting it to feel weirder." Wrath looked Envy up and down. "The messed-up part is seeing you in a skirt."

"Ditto. Plus pink. You're not supposed to look good in pink. I'm pretty sure that violates a law of the universe."

Wrath brightened up into a smile, completely ignoring the last part. "Really? You really think so? I thought it was my colour…"

"Oy vey." Envy smacked his palm against his face. "So you think we're convincing?"

"You are. Although you still look like…you."

"Are you saying I look like a girl normally?" he flared up, only to be deflated by Wrath's blunt 'Yes'.

With a groan, he began to play idly with his hair. "Alright, go off and…do something. We can show Ed and Al when they get home."

"Okay!" Wrath hopped up and left the room, leaving his brother alone again. Envy turned towards the mirror, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

Heh. I do look like a girl. He brought his knees up to his chest, trying not to stare at the new additions to his slim form. Congratulations, you're now officially a transvestite.

Ed pulled his keys from his pocket, fiddling unsuccessfully with them until they fell from his grasp. "Fuck…" It had been a long day.

Russell and Ling were fighting again – over what, he didn't know. He hadn't had time to ask them between them stonily ignoring each other and the heated argument they'd gotten into just after school ended. He'd walked away still hearing them yelling at each other.

After a moment, he managed to unlock the door. "Hey, Al! Wrath! Envy! I'm home!"

"Al's not back yet." Ed looked up at the staircase, where Envy was crouched and looking back at him through the bars.

"Ah, figured. How was your day?"

"Boring."

"Really? Because Al said he was going to drop off some clothing for you two."

Envy's face went crimson, much to Ed's merriment. "Oh fuck you."

"You've got a foul mouth for someone so shy."

"I direct you to my previous statement."

"Come on, show me." Ed couldn't keep the shit-eating grin off of his face – it had been painfully obvious from Envy's reaction that not only had Al brought the clothing, but Envy had put it on.

"I don't want to," Envy pouted, and Ed's heart gave a sudden thu-thump.

"Please?"

With a sigh, Envy straightened up and started walking down the stairs, unconsciously giving his hips the slightest sway and placing his feet one in front of the other to create the illusion not of a man in woman's clothing, but simply, a woman.

That was the day, the hour, the moment that Ed would point to as the moment he started getting very confused about the definition of 'gay'.

"So, uh, is it convincing?"

Ed shrugged. "Don't ask me. I'm not attracted to women."

Envy growled, and Ed held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "Joking, joking! Except it's true. But no, you look great! One problem – you're still you."

"That's what Wrath said. So what do I do?"

"Cut your hair and dye it."

"I'm not cutting my hair! I spent years on this!"

"Fine. But you'll have to dye it, and wear it differently."

Envy nodded. "That I can do." He thought for a moment. "Can I dye it green?"

"Green? Why?"

Envy bared his sharp teeth in a wicked smile. "Green with envy, get it?"

"You're terrible. But yeah, I'll get some green dye tonight." Ed checked his watch. "I have to go into work at eight thirty, and I won't be back in til about three, so I'm gonna see if I can catch some sleep."

For a moment, Envy seemed disappointed, but the expression soon disappeared, erased with a shrug. "Alright. You don't look too good, so that seems fair."

Ed began to make his way up the stairs, but a feathery, cold touch on his arm made him stop and look back.

Purple eyes gazed up at him. "Could I…" He gulped. "Could I visit Lust? Let her know what's happening?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"I have to let her know. I can't let her think something terrible's happened."

Ed nodded. "Just make sure Greed isn't there, alright? I won't always be around to get your skinny ass out of trouble."

Envy's Notebook – Entry #31

Greed's car wasn't in the driveway, and neither were either of my parents' cars. It was probably the only chance I was going to get to see Lust – and Sloth, too, hopefully.

I just wish I'd had time to change before I'd gone.

I figured it was better to be safe than sorry, though. My room has a window big enough and low enough to climb through, so I figured that was the best thing to do.

Unfortunately, I hadn't ever tried it in a skirt. It caught on something or other, and I plummeted quite painfully to the pale floor. (Look at that, alliteration!)

"What was that?" The door swung open before I had time to straighten up – which means, now that I think about it, that Sloth's first sight of me for almost two days was my wonderfully-stockinged legs sticking straight up from behind the bed.

I sat up, and waved hello. She, understandably, freaked a little.

Her yells of 'what the hell, Envy?' and 'you look like a prostitute' were interrupted by Lust wheeling her way around the corner, then barrelling into the room to hit me with her wheelchair, pull me into her lap and smother me with kisses.

"I hate it when you disappear like that, cutie!"

"Lust…stop it…"

"What are you wearing, anyway? Were you playing weird depraved sex games with sexy blondie?"

I'm afraid to say I winced a little at that. It was just a bit too close to the truth. Lust, being the amazing big sister she is, noticed immediately and forced me to sit on the bed.

"Sloth, close the door," she said quietly. Sloth did so, perching carefully on my office chair and giving me a querying look.

"What's going on, Envy? Why didn't you come home yesterday? Greed said you left in the morning and didn't come back."

I wanted to tell her, you know. But wanting something and doing it are about as far apart as you can get when it comes to things like this.

"I did," I said drily. "Then I left again."

Lust sighed, shaking her head. I could tell she was frustrated. "What's been going on recently? First you start not coming home at night, then you get your ears pierced and now you're wearing girl's clothes and disappearing for long stretches…" She gave me a searching gaze. "Is there something you need to tell me?"

Oh god, she thought I was gay.

"I'm not gay!"

Smooth, Envy. REAL FUCKING SMOOTH.

"But…" I gulped. "Wrath and I…um…we aren't coming back home."

"Wrath is with you?" It took a moment for my statement to impact. "Wait, what? But…you can't! What are you talking about?"

I didn't tell her everything. But I told her about the knife, and the bruises, and Ed's plan to keep us safe.

And, to my horror, I saw a black look in Sloth's eyes.

After I'd finished, Lust leant back in her chair and sighed, the haggardness of her face thrown into sharp relief by her serious expression.

"I don't know about this, Envy. I mean, I know Greed can be a bit of a bastard when he's had too much to drink, but –"

"A bit of a bastard?" The outburst came from Sloth, who was gripping the edges of her chair with white knuckles. "How blind do you have to be, Lust?"

I'd never seen Lust look so shocked, and I suppose the look on my face at that moment wasn't too fetching, either. Sloth's the quiet one – even more than me – and always has been. That's how it worked. Lust was the lover, Greed the fighter, I was the poet, Wrath the scientist and Sloth was just…the dreamer. The whistler. The sleeper.

After a moment, Lust smiled sadly. "Come here, love." She opened her arms, and I fell into them, holding her close.

"Just…will you…will you promise me one thing, Envy?"

"Yeah?"

She didn't say anything, but I understood. "I'll be there. No matter what, I'll be there. I promise, Lust. I promise." Fuck, I was about to cry. I may be comfortable crying in front of Ed, but not in front of my sisters. That's a whole new low.

I kind of wanted to leave after that, but I couldn't quite. I mean…Sloth. We aren't the closest of siblings. I think it's how close in age we are. She's fourteen going-on-fifteen, I'm seventeen, just a little too close for comfort.

But I have the strange kind of feeling she has more in common with me than I thought. Or, even scarier a thought, with Wrath.

We ended up sharing an awkward kind of hug, her pointedly trying to ignore that I had breasts and me trying to ignore that I was realizing the same thing. About her. It's amazing what you notice about other people when you walk around with the damn things attached to you.

They gave me some things to take with me as I left – pieces of advice, and old clothes, and folded paper bills, and other odds and ends.

I took everything with me that I would ever need to feel at home.

Goodbye, Angevin Mansion.

Hello, Julia Vasquez.