Author's Note: Okay guys, this one is kind of long (didn't initially plan it that way but things kind of just kept going and eventually this happened), but I hope it's okay. Yeah it doesn't really follow Pan or Hook for right now but I promise we'll get back to them! Jacob is not an original character (that I know of) from Once Upon a Time and is instead my original character, but so far everyone else in the story has truly been on the show (unless I completely missed something at some point). Let me know what you think and I'll do my best to try and follow suggestions (within reason).
Jacob began revealing his tale to Henry. It was one of sorrow, tragedy, and a not-so-happy ending.
"I'm nine years old, and I have been nine for a while now. I thought I was aging once Pan brought me here, but it turns out that time moves so slow here that it's as though you never grow up at all. At first I thought 'Hey cool! I don't have to grow up! This is awesome!' but as the days went on I kept seeing the older boys become stronger and stronger, developing their muscles so that they become a daunting sight to those weaker than them, and I still felt weak. I've tried every day to grow stronger and develop my muscles, but after a while you realize that your body isn't adapted enough to hold such desired things. I needed more testosterone, which meant I needed puberty. I never thought I would have said it, but I wanted to grow up at that time."
Henry interrupted the young boys' tale. "But why wouldn't you want to grow up? If anything that's all I hear kids back home talking about: growing up and getting away from their parents."
Jacob paused, unsure as to how he wished to go about continuing his tale.
"Yes, and there was a time that that was all I could manage to say. But my family lived in hardship. It was wartime, hell it may still be wartime for all I know, and supplies were scarce. Food, water, clothes, basically anything you could think of was all in rations, and the rations kept growing smaller each day."
Jacob had to pause once more; the pain had been starting to become unbearable in remembering the horrors of his past. He sighed, somehow managing to find strength held within his tiny body to continue his tale to the boy sitting across from him.
"My family was poor; we didn't have much, and we never would. Well, at least while I was with them we would never have much. It was as if Christmas came early if we simply got a small loaf of bread. And if we got butter, well that was basically unheard of. I think the last time I had tasted such a sweet substance was when I was three years old, but then again I can't be sure; that's just what my mother told me when I saw it one day in the market.
'Mother, what's that yellow thing? It looks weird.' 'Well love,' she would say, 'it's a delicious sweet and salty substance which has been in extreme rations for many years now.'. I looked up at her, completely confused as to what she meant. I thought that the only things that were in rations were the things in which we had been able to obtain; I didn't realize that we were on the extreme-poverty end of rations. I didn't understand that there were indeed other things in the world which we did not, and could not, have. I didn't understand that not everyone lived like us, which greatly contributed to my confusion when I saw a man carrying a large package of the yellow substance I had seen just seconds before.
I didn't realize just how worn out my mother looked at that point. I didn't notice the bags beneath her eyes or the wrinkles slowly forming around her face. I didn't notice the small breaths she let out before a warm smile, just to keep my siblings and I from worrying or panicking. I didn't notice the dried tears on her cheeks after we would return from the market or after we would see a happy family on the street. I didn't see the silent hardships that she faced every day but hid so well just to keep her children smiling."
Silence filled the cavern. Henry wasn't sure if Jacob had more to tell or what to say himself. He had always lived a life of privilege, even if he hadn't always necessarily thought it; son of a successful mayor, never worrying where his next meal was coming from, only wishing he could feel more love from his adoptive mother. He had completely forgotten that other places of the world faced turmoil while his biggest worry was making sure Regina didn't find his book of stories. He looked up at the desolate boy in front of him. Jacob appeared to be lost in thought, as if remembering that time of his life was one of the hardest things he could possibly do.
It was true: Jacob was lost in thought, but it wasn't from having the thoughts that flooded his mind be torturous to remember. Instead he simply couldn't believe how clueless he had been as a child. He knew his older sister held worry but he had never understood it. He was never able to grasp what was so hard about life: food was given to everyone and things simply went on. It was life as far as he had been concerned back then. But as he told his story to Henry he was able to see the weariness that grew on his sisters' face each day; he was able to see just how difficult life truly was, especially for a family of four without a father; he was able to see that they had struggled simply to get by and survive the day. Deep grief overwhelmed him, almost bringing to tears. He had been such a horrible son – never thinking of what others' needed or wanted in life. He remembered the times in which he had complained in the streets just because his mother didn't wish to buy him a toy car which could be pulled by a string. His head fell into his hands, his body too weak to hold it up any longer.
Henry reached over to Jacob as soon as he saw his shoulder's shake. He wasn't sure what Jacob's take on comfort was, but one thing that Henry had figured out growing up was that everyone needed some love and physical comfort sometimes, and he figured that the boy who rescued him from the burning forest needed that comfort in that instant.
At Henry's touch the weak one shuddered. He was not used to that kind of touch from really anyone…at least since he had to leave his sister. It wasn't a touch of pity or hatred, but instead one of genuine care. It was soft and gentle; it was as if all of Henry's positivity in life could have flown through that embrace and helped completely change Jacob's life for the better. It was as if the only thing that existed in the world was caring and nurture instead of the lies, scorn, and hatred that flooded everyday life.
"I-I'm sorry…" the whimpering that escaped Jacob's mouth made Henry feel as if he were one of the most conceited people on the planet. He had never begun to think about others and what they may have gone through in life; he only ever thought about himself and how life had seemed so unfair to him his entire life.
"It's okay, just let it out. I know it can be hard." Henry hoped that those words would work some magic in helping ease the boys' pain. He had never been put in that situation before and so was extremely unsure as to if he were doing the right thing in comforting him. Jacob wiped tears from his eyes before he shakily continued with the story of his childhood.
"Thanks…I don't know if I've ever even told anyone about my past since I got here." Henry nodded in understanding; when he was trapped in the camp with the Lost Boys he had never been asked about his own life, instead left to fend for himself…with the help of Pan, that is.
"My father was out of the picture, so we didn't have a steady income or a solid foundation for us to base our lifestyle off of. Without a man in the house, well, a grown man, my mother struggled. She struggled more than I could see since…well…I was young. I didn't understand why my mom and older sister argued so much. Instead I would simply play outside with my younger sister, Isabella, when voices began to get raised. Looking back I can see that they both were simply looking out for the best of me and my younger sister but that they both had different ideas of what "the best" was. Back then I just thought that they were yelling again and that it was just a way of life. I was such a ridiculously ignorant child…" Jacob began shaking his head; Henry wasn't sure if it was due to laughter from realizing his ignorance or from sadness that he had lived his childhood so unknowingly.
So one night I talked with my older sister, Mariana. She held me close as she tried to explain what was happening; I was seven years old at that time so I was only able to understand so much. She told me about the hardships that we were facing, reminding me of the man that I saw carrying the package of butter in the market the other day. She said that some people were still able to afford luxuries such as butter and that we were on a losing end of poverty. I didn't know what 'poverty' was, so she simply explained it as being a state of life where it is extremely difficult to live and surviving the day is a great miracle. At the time I thought she was exaggerating – after all, we had been able to survive up that point, hadn't we?
I remember her shaking her head solemnly at my ignorant laughter, realizing that I had still not fully understood the extent of our situation. She then explained that without a male dominance in the household things were even harder for us. Our father had left us shortly after I was born, so I never knew him. I still don't know why he left exactly, but from an argument I was once overheard between my mother and Mariana it was because my younger sister, who was then just a fetus, and I had become too much of a burden and he was unable to support us and that he 'needed to think about his own survival'."
Henry shook his head; he truly had no words to say. He had not known his father for a long time but he hadn't been left with the memories of him running off or leaving Emma to give birth in jail. He was told that his father was a great hero, a story that always made him proud of who he was. Henry just couldn't imagine growing up knowing that his father just abandoned him.
The cavern the two boys found themselves in became silent as death when Jacob stopped speaking. When that silence overtook the air Henry deeply wished for Jacob to begin speaking again shortly even though the tale was becoming more and more difficult to hear and think about, especially compared to his own life. However the eeriness that seeped into every surrounding crevice when silence took hold had slowly started becoming too much for Henry so he desperately wished for any type of escape from the stillness.
"Eventually I guess the burden got to be too much on my mother as well. She left in the middle of the night, or so I was told by Mariana. Holy crap was she pissed in the morning! Honestly I was kind of scared for my life at that point. I mean, I knew that Mariana would never do anything to hurt me or Isabella but I had never seen her fuming to the point that she was. I think it took all her strength not to throw everything in sight and break down crying.
I was scared but I realized that I wasn't as scared as Mariana was. I had started to grow more attentive at that point in my life so I began seeing all the struggles and pressures that she and my mother had been under. I could see in that moment that everything hit her; she was fully responsible for two other children, without any support from anyone else in the entire world. When her anger began to subside and her sadness began to set in she almost crumpled to the floor next to the wall. I went over to her, helping to seat her upright against the wall, then proceeding to embrace her in one of the biggest and longest hugs I have ever had in my life. I think it was because she didn't want to let go because then the reality of the situation would set in; I think I was her anchor at that point. She started shaking and slowly I could feel my shoulder become wetter. I had never seen Mariana cry, and up until that point I almost thought that she could handle anything and would never break. I quickly realized that she had only put on that strong exterior so that Isabella and I wouldn't worry while she was dealing with somehow managing to help us through another day. Even with mother around I now realize that Mariana took on so much more responsibility than a twelve year-old would ever need to. Honestly, she is the reason why I'm still alive today. She helped get us through some of the hardest times of life, all the while managing to keep a calm and serene exterior while she was slowly breaking inside. It was in that instant that everything made sense: all the fights with mother, the incredibly aged face of Mariana, the wrinkles and deep breaths from mother, the joyousness around Isabella and I even when both mother and Mariana knew the depth of our situation, the secretive and pitiful looks between mother and Mariana, everything."
Jacob took another deep breath before continuing. Not only had talking about his past made him weary and saddened, but it had also helped him feel free. He had been carrying the burden of that story on him for many years and didn't know the relief that could come from simply opening up to share the pain with another human being.
"It wasn't long before Mariana collapsed from the stress of taking care of three individuals without any knowledge or basis as to how. She had been out looking for more work every single day and would rarely eat. Her clothes started to become even looser than they already had been, which to me seemed hard to do since there wasn't all that much of Mariana already. Her silky brown, shoulder-length hair started to appear more brittle as the days wore on and she constantly had to stop after standing up so that the dizziness would leave her vision. She was starving and pushing herself to the edge just so that Isabella and I wouldn't have to. She was destroying herself in unimaginable ways to protect us from the cruelty and stress of the outside world. She truly was an angel."
Another pause. Jacob stared at the caverns walls that time, becoming lost in thought. He truly loved his sister and didn't know where he would be without her. He missed her dearly and all he wanted to do was see her smiling face once more while he was still alive. Remembering his sister made him remember all the fun he and his siblings had had as children, before the rations and war.
"Mariana was ten when she started taking care of us. She shouldn't have needed to do that, ever. She deserved a full childhood with lots of games and playing; not work and stress. I greatly hope she's still alive so I can see her once I get out of this god-forsaken place." As 'god-forsaken place' left Jacob's lips a tone that Henry had not heard the entire story appeared. It was as if Jacob scoffed at the words, not even able to give enough dignity to the island they were on by calling it by its name: Neverland. But there was also a deep, subtle hatred that emitted from the boys' mouth as well. Henry had heard it before, but generally it was when Regina was talking about Emma – a rivalry Henry knew well and only slightly understood.
"After her collapse I told her I was going to go to an orphanage. She didn't need the stress of me as well as Isabella and I figured that Isabella would have had a more challenging time adapting to new surroundings than I would. Mariana tried to get me to stay, she wept and wept, pleading for me not to go, but I had to. I couldn't bear to see her in that much pain, which I guess had the option of being taken away if I had stayed, but I firmly feel that my sister's chances of survival would have been extremely diminished if I had not gone. I explained to her that Isabella needed her more than I did in terms of survival. Since I was a boy I would have an easier time finding work, but still it would only have been able to help me survive on my own, and I knew that if I stayed I would give all my earnings to my two sisters, which would slowly torture Mariana. Don't get me wrong, I'm almost positive she would have been extremely grateful for the extra earnings, but she wouldn't have wanted to see me slave away to the business of others simply to earn almost nothing. I knew my sister, probably better than she realized. Somehow I got through to her because she solemnly let me go. I didn't want her or Isabella to come with because I knew I wouldn't have been able to let them go.
Like both mother and father, I left in the middle of the night. I wasn't sure if I would actually go to the orphanage since it was two towns over, but I decided to try and at least make it out of my hometown. I made it to the next residential area over, which, let me tell you, holy shit it was fancy. When I was wandering the streets a man stopped me, telling me to come shine his shoes. I didn't know what to do but I went over, nervously shaking, because I was scared of what would have happened if I didn't listen to him. He was a man of class, clearly not affected by the war or the rationing, and so I felt almost positive that he was a man of power and importance. I honestly couldn't tell you if he was, or even who he was, because even though he so generously took me into his home that night as long as I would agree to work for him, I was taken that same night.
Pan's shadow came to my window and grabbed me. I didn't know what was happening; all I knew was that I was scared stiff…literally. I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I was surprised I was even able to breathe. I was soon brought to Neverland, hoarded up with the other Lost Boys. I was shaking and scared and Felix didn't help either of those things. He stood so tall and strong – it was clear to see that he was of great importance amongst the boys. But I wasn't sure why I was brought here. I'm honestly still not sure why I was brought here; Pan never told me, and neither did Felix. Granted, I'm pretty sure Felix didn't even know who I was until I asked to go with him on his mission a few days ago."
At that Henry perked up. 'A mission? What would Felix be needing to do that required anyone other than Pan?' His confusion must have shown in his eyes for Jacob quickly said, "Oh it was nothing, just an errand or something. I'm really not too sure what it was. I lost Felix a few times in the forest because fuck can that boy run!"
Henry accepted the answer but was still confused on something. "But why don't you want to grow up? Why do you want to leave Neverland so badly, and hate Pan so much?"
Jacob nodded, knowing that he had needed to get to that point at some time.
"I want to leave Neverland because I want to find Mariana. Yes, I had already left when I was taken, but that doesn't mean that I didn't ever wish to return home. Once I gained shelter from the man on the street I kept thinking that I could save up enough money to go back to Mariana and Isabella and help them through whatever difficulties they were having at that point. That was one of the main reasons why I left: I had been feeling extremely useless and as though I were a mere burden, not helping contribute anything to our trio, so I wanted to go out and help as best I could. Originally I thought it was simply by leaving to help give the other two a better chance but then the random man came along and a dozen new thoughts flooded my mind. Pan took my chances of ever helping my sisters when his shadow took me from that room, and with it took my chances of ever hoping to see my sisters again, since once one is in Neverland, one does not simply leave Neverland on a whim."
"Okay that all makes sense but it doesn't answer my question of why you don't want to grow up. That still seems as though it's an extremely contradictory statement, especially if you want to leave Neverland so badly." Henry's confusion was mixed with slight annoyance at how Jacob kept avoiding the question to which Henry desperately wanted an answer to; an annoyance that was clearly noticed by Jacob.
"Chill man, I'm getting there." Henry was slightly unnerved by a boy younger than him telling him to "chill", but he accepted it and waited for Jacob to continue his tale.
"Growing up means more responsibilities and more hardships – well, generally. However, Mariana had already basically grown up, without fully growing up. I want to go back to help her enjoy a childhood. I want her to feel carefree and innocent without the weight of the world bearing down upon her shoulders. I want her to have the happiness she so desperately deserves, and I don't feel as though I would be able to do that as an adult. That would mean that she's even older than me, if she's even still alive, and that it would be extremely likely that she simply had to grow up even more through the years, eventually having the burden and pain seep into her temperament, not allowing her to see the light or happiness that life can hold. Yes, I am absolutely horrified of the ordeals of the future and of being a grown up, which is another reason why I wish to not grow up because responsibility is a scary thing and many children underestimate how burdensome it can be, but if I don't grow up I'm hoping Mariana won't either, leaving at least some potential for happiness and childhood still in her life."
Henry was stunned. He had never heard a nine year-old speak so eloquently; he wondered how old "nine" was to this boy, because clearly he had learned many lessons that Henry himself didn't even know. He nodded, slowly accepting all of the information that he had just been told, deciding what his next move should be. After a few moments Henry had made up his mind and broke the silence.
"Alright then, let's get you home and off of Neverland."