How to Date a Vulcan, Chapter Ten
There's No Good Way to Move On

Amanda thought she understood suffering. She had lost so much in the past year: her privacy, her father, her job, and even her cat. She had been a tabloid object following her breakup with a sketchy politician, a victim of torture, and a target of political revenge when she'd been terminated from the diplomatic school. Had it not been for Sarek, she might not have held on to her sanity.

And then she walked away from him on the night before they were supposed to elope, and she soon found herself in a dark hole from which she feared she would never escape.

She had done it for him, but a tiny part of it had been for herself too. Nothing would assuage the guilt she felt condemned to feel. Sarek was such a bright diplomat: the few times she'd seen him at his craft, she'd often been spellbound by his oratorical skills and his ability to bring about compromise when none seemed possible. It would have killed her to see him censured on her account; he deserved better.

But he also deserved to share his life with the woman he had bonded with. They had rushed into bonding at her insistence, even after Sarek had warned her about the strength of a Vulcan mating bond. He had taken a great risk in trusting her with such an intimate connection, and she couldn't shake the feeling that she'd betrayed him.

She couldn't see any way to make it right.

She cycled through the same emotions: jealousy, anger, love, guilt, grief, and regret. There was no way to make heads or tails of any of it: it was all just a mess.

The journey home to Earth had been particularly difficult. Her emotions were so raw that she felt like screaming and crying until she passed out, but most of her fellow travellers were Vulcan, and she was desperate to avoid making a scene.

So she had found a quieter compartment on the commercial starship, took a seat in the corner, and buried her nose in it. She had covered her face with her jacket; ostensibly to block out the light and make it easier to sleep, but all she'd managed to do for the fourteen-hour trip home was stay mostly quiet as tears seeped down her face.

In those early days, she'd very often been close to contacting him and trying to find some way to fix it. She hoped against hope that he would, and spent hours checking her PADD for a new message from him. None came.

The weeks dragged on and so did Amanda. She managed to get herself clean and slog herself into work day after day, and her performance didn't seem to suffer enough for Tolek to comment on it, but her officemate Kas noticed her overpowering depression. She often encouraged Amanda to join her for lunch or coffee, and Amanda agreed sometimes as a means of simply feeling alive, but after several months, Kas began to sense it was a hopeless cause and had started to ask less and less.

Her neighbor Vera had tried a little harder and still hadn't given up. Her free-spirited friend was busier than ever with a new job and a new fiancé, but she did her best to find time for Amanda, often by threatening to burn her sweatpants and stuff her into pretty clothing and force her to go to out in public.

She appreciated everything people were trying to do for her, but they were a poor substitute for the void left by Sarek.

As the weeks turned into months, she began to worry. She'd hoped that time would fade the bond they'd formed and give her some perspective, but she found she was beginning to physically wither. She lost weight, she slept the weekends away, and she was developing frequent migraines. She wondered if her mind was beginning to crack, because she'd often wake in the middle of the night feeling like Sarek was there with her, only to find herself alone.

She knew it was made infinitely worse by the fact that she could still feel him. She assumed a mating bond would weaken with distance and disuse, but several times a day she found she was acutely aware of his consciousness. She realized that meant that he could probably sense what she was feeling, and in a way, that made her angry.

If he knew how badly she was hurting, why didn't he say anything? Then she would remember that she was the one who broke things off with him, and knowing Sarek's logical mind, he wouldn't want to subject them both to the indignity of seeking her out when she'd made it plainly clear things were over. Then she often felt sad, wondering how he was getting along.

It was impossible to know. Sarek had feelings, but kept them tucked so far away inside of himself in accordance with Vulcan custom that she had never been able to perceive them very well.

There were really only two times she could recall feeling what Sarek felt. She had once felt his overwhelming fury when she was nearly tortured in front of him aboard the commandeered Romulan ship, and then she'd sensed his intense confusion and sadness on the night she'd left his house on Vulcan. Her record of provoking emotion in Sarek only included pain, and that only made her feel worse.

At the start of the New Year, she found herself at a crossroads. She was sorely in need of some kind of closure, and knew if she didn't move on with her life now, she probably never really would. Her contract work on the universal translator was more than half complete, and she would need to find other employment before May.

In mid-January, she was sitting alone in the basement cafeteria of the embassy complex when she heard a familiar voice over her shoulder.

"Long time, no see."

"Hello, Giles."

She smiled weakly without turning to look at him, and he quickly took a seat next to her.

"You're a long way from the Vulcan consulate," she said.

She was surprised by how even mentioning Sarek's workplace could poke at her heart so viciously.

"Yeah, I just turned in my notice today," he said.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's great work, it pays well, but I'm missing out on watching my girls grow up," he explained.

"They must be almost a year old now," she said in amazement.

She hadn't seen them since she'd babysat them with Sarek. She felt another little tug at her heart, and she started to instinctively chew on her cheek.

"Yeah, little weeds they are. Walking and babbling and lots of fun," he grinned.

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I just took a job with a private transport company. There are a lot of prototypes of the universal translator out there and the comprehensive one is almost done, as I'm sure you know, but there's still a real demand for linguists, translators, and interpreters. After all these years out of Starfleet, I'm going back to space."

"So how is that going to help you be with your family?" she questioned with a forced laugh.

"They're coming too," he explained. "Celeste is nervous, but we figure it will be good for the girls to see the quadrant while they're young. The ship is large with lots of families, and if we stay, they'll end up going to school and everything."

"That sounds really interesting," she agreed, wondering what it would have been like to grow up in space.

"Yeah, that's actually why I came down here. I was looking for you. They're looking to fill a lot of positions and asked me if I knew anyone. I know you said you were working on a year-long contract here, and I thought you might be interested."

"Oh, I still have more than four months left," she explained.

"I'm sure they'd let you finish your contract first. I know it's impolite to ask how much you make, but I can tell you that I'll be making almost three times what I did at the Vulcan consulate."

Her jaw almost dropped.

"That almost sounds too good to be true," she said cautiously.

"I thought so too, but an old Starfleet buddy of mine has been doing it for three years and he loves it. All the fun of space travel and seeing new places without any of the hassle of Federation service. It makes sense if you think about it: good linguists who are willing to live in space are hard to come by. Starfleet sharks most of them and a lot of the others would prefer a cushy teaching position at home."

Amanda quickly got lost in thought. Her father had taken longer and longer assignments in space following her parents' divorce, until eventually he practically had lived there. She'd always wanted to travel more, and this seemed like a pretty prime opportunity.

"So can I forward them your contact information?" Giles asked.

"Yeah," she nodded. "That would be great."

They said their goodbyes and she promised to stop by over the weekend and see the girls. For the first time since she'd broken things off with Sarek, she felt almost hopeful and excited. This would be a chance for a fresh start.

She had her first interview with the transport company two weeks later, and took several exams to become a certified translator in Vuhlkansu and the Tellarite language. It took another week for them to process her background investigation, which was followed by a second interview. She was cautiously optimistic, and realized she was looking forward to leaving Earth more than she probably should.

She was at home alone on a Saturday in mid-February when she received a formal job offer at nearly four times her current salary. They were willing to defer her start date to allow her to finish her contract on the project, and they would pay her moving and storage expenses. She would be assigned to a large vessel that frequently travelled between Earth, Andoria, Tellar Prime, the Rigel system, and Vulcan.

The thought of visiting Vulcan again wasn't particularly appealing, but she reasoned she could simply stay aboard when they came to port.

Despite her excitement, she was reluctant to send a message back right away and accept the job. It was difficult to explain even to herself, but she sensed she was facing a decision that would shape the rest of her life.

Later that afternoon, she answered a knock at her door to find Vera, soaking wet, clutching her coat tightly around her body, and shivering against the rain.

"What's up?" Amanda asked.

"Peter was trying to drag me to one of those boring concerts for cultured people tonight, but thankfully, he has to work," her friend explained as she entered Amanda's apartment.

"You came by to tell me that?" Amanda joked weakly.

"No, just because I don't want to be alone, and most of the time, I worry about leaving you by yourself for long periods."

"Really?" Amanda replied, feeling slightly dumbfounded and embarrassed that Vera viewed her as a liability.

"Well, I can tell you're lonely. I've never seen anyone have it this bad over a guy," Vera frowned.

"Yeah, it's pretty stupid, I guess. I'm getting better though, I think," Amanda lied.

"Where's my tea?" Vera joked, looking impatiently at the kitchen. "No one makes it as good as you."

Amanda smiled at her friend's brash and casual attitude. Vera had tamed a lot in the year they'd known each other, but she was still endearingly pushy. It was a quality she hated in her mother, but one that seemed to suit Vera.

They retired to the kitchen and Amanda began filling the kettle with water.

"So I got a job offer today," Amanda said nonchalantly.

"Oh, with that shipping company?" Vera asked, stuffing her mouth with water crackers.

"Yeah."

"When do you start?"

"Well, I haven't accepted yet. I will. I think. Maybe. I don't know."

Vera looked at her incredulously.

"I thought you wanted this? You need this. You're way past the desperate stage, Amanda. You need an intervention. This job is that intervention."

"Ugh, I know. It's just a big step to take."

"I will haunt your dreams if you turn this down," Vera threatened. "I'll miss you, of course-"

She was interrupted when her PADD rang. Amanda busied herself with making tea, and knew what her friend was saying was true.

"Dammit," Vera snapped, turning her PADD off. "I have to go into to work too. I'm a mathematician. You wouldn't think I would have work emergencies on a Saturday evening. I hate my life."

Amanda walked her to the door, but as she was leaving, she stopped herself.

"Oh, that's part of why I came by. I can transfer those concert tickets to you, if you want."

"Who's playing?"

"Oh, it's some classical guy. Brams?"

"Brahms?" Amanda corrected.

"Yeah, whatever. You want to go?"

Amanda considered it for a moment and smiled. Her father had loved Brahms, and she was getting the feeling she might not have the opportunity to see many live concerts if she ended up taking this job.

"Sure."

"Great, I think it starts at 1930? I'll transfer the tickets when I get to work."

"Oh, I only need one ticket," Amanda pointed out.

"Amanda, no one else I know will go. I can't give these things away. Maybe you'll get lucky, find some hobo on the street, and take him and have a magical evening. No matter what, it can't be worse than that guy I tried to set you up with on New Year's Eve."

Amanda grimaced. His name had been Todd? Ted? Tad? She'd spent most of the evening crying in the bathroom and he'd taken her home well before the ball dropped. In New York City.

"Ok, fine," she agreed.

She said her goodbyes to Vera and flopped down on her sofa and picked up her PADD. She reread the job offer, and just as she hit the reply button and began to type out her acceptance, there was a knock at the door. Assuming Vera must have forgotten something, she quickly opened it, and then nearly fainted.

Sarek was standing on her front porch, soaking wet and shivering slightly. One of his arms was tucked into his heavy overcloak, concealing a large bulge of some kind near his chest.

"Forgive me," he explained, as water dripped down his chin. "I have located your cat."

He extracted Euclid from under his cloak and held the black and white cat out for her to take. She had written off ever seeing either one of them again, and now here they were. She wasn't sure how long she stood there in stunned silence, but she felt almost certain that her heart would beat out of her chest. Tears started to cascade down her cheeks and she wondered if it was possible for a heart to shatter twice.

"I've missed you so much," she briefly allowed herself to think, hoping desperately that he couldn't sense the true depth of her sentiment.

Protocols for Human Courtship, Section Ten
The Human Subscription to Fate

It was difficult to focus with the powerful flood of feelings pouring from her, but he recentered himself quickly.

"Miss Grayson?" he insisted, offering up her feline companion.

"Can you- will you- do you want to come in?" she stammered.

He did not think that would be wise, given the months he'd spent struggling to sever their bond. He had not wanted to come at all, and he had nearly turned this task over to a subordinate, but worried it would have looked too peculiar.

He'd spied Euclid yesterday in the bushes near his living quarters, nursing a wounded paw and shivering in the cold. He instantly recognized him as Amanda's lost pet from the distinctive, black triangular markings on his flanks. He'd coaxed the animal into his quarters, and then had taken him to a nearby veterinarian.

Months of feral life had been hard on Euclid: he was quite thin and missing part of his ear and tail, and seemed to be infested with a number of parasitic insects. Sarek knew his disappearance had been difficult for her to bear, and he wished to reunite them and perhaps give her back some of the happiness she'd lost.

Amanda's loss had been difficult for him to bear. He had hoped their hastily formed bond would dissolve, yet it had not. For months he had felt her grief and confusion, mixed with anger and loneliness, and had spent many hours in meditation attempting to overcome her pain. His success had been modest, at best.

The strength of their bond surprised him: Amanda was not Vulcan. Try though he might to forget her and suppress the flow of her feelings, he could not.

He remained on Vulcan for nearly a month following her departure. He had honored Amanda's final request to preserve his career: he remarried T'Rea, acknowledged her son, and then immediately had the marriage annulled. He saw her only once, and that had been at the wedding.

He had shocked several members of her conservative family by altering the ancient marriage customs and refusing to form a mating bond with her, but they had not questioned his defiance. The ceremony had been private, and they had gotten what they wanted: a woman who was no longer a black mark on their lineage.

He had attempted to resign his post as ambassador to remain on Vulcan indefinitely, but Councilwoman T'Lona had convinced him to return for a year while they searched for a suitable replacement. This favor would be one that would certainly prove difficult to reconcile.

The Vulcan Science Academy had been prepared to grant him a position as a junior professor of astrophysics following the events aboard the Romulan vessel, but he had chosen to informally decline the offer in order to remain on Earth. He would have preferred to retire from diplomacy to follow scientific pursuits, but he had chosen to pursue Amanda as a mate instead. Now that Amanda had refused him and he had settled things with T'Rea's family, there was no reason to not to remain on Vulcan.

Vulcan was his home, and he had been away for too long. He pondered whether his years in the company of alien species, particularly humans, had weakened his mental discipline and resolve. He considered his options, and decided that when his term as ambassador was complete, he would undertake the kolinahr ritual and purge himself of his vestigial emotion.

It was only logical. It was the only obvious means of finding a way to irrevocably break his bond with Amanda, and since he could not foresee taking a new mate prior to the onset of his next pon farr, his options were quite limited.

He had returned to Earth five months earlier and resumed his duties as ambassador with renewed indifference. He worked less, cutting his hours back to only eighty per week. Consequently, he meditated more, spending nearly three hours in solemn contemplation each night in the quiet of his home.

Last month, he had successfully gone two days without thinking of Amanda or sensing her thoughts when his secretary, Giles Marcus, had tendered his resignation. He explained that he was taking a position with a private transport service, and had mentioned in passing that Amanda was also considering employment with the same agency.

Mr. Marcus had never understood the full extent of his relationship with Amanda, but certainly knew she and Sarek were acquainted. It was fascinating that his former secretary's idle comment could undo months of training his mind to forget her.

He was very nearly close to forgetting her for a second time when he had found Euclid the evening before. The cat's physical condition was appalling, and he felt compelled to provide assistance, but understood he was also ethically bound to return the animal to its rightful owner.

He had not wanted to come and be confronted with the remains of his attachment to her, but now here he was. Despite her tears, she was just as beautiful as the image he retained in his mind.

He heard the sound of a teakettle beginning to scream in her kitchen, and she looked warily over her shoulder.

"Please, come in," she begged. "It's so cold out there and I can tell you're freezing."

The kettle continued to whistle loudly, but she didn't move or take her eyes from him. He stepped across the threshold.

"Your cat," he said, offering the animal for a third time.

She smiled painfully and awkwardly retrieved her pet from his arms and held him closely to her chest.

"Thank you," she sniffed, struggling to meet his eyes.

She had said she'd missed him, or rather, she had thought it and he had sensed it within her. He felt wholly aware of just how much he'd longed for her as well, and longing was illogical.

"I should take my leave," he said simply, over the continuing shriek of the teakettle.

"Can you- will you stay?" she said anxiously, taking a few steps backward toward her kitchen.

"I do not believe that would be prudent," he explained, turning toward the door.

"No," she replied quickly. "I just-"

He could see fat tears dripping from her chin onto the cat's fur. The longer he stayed, the more he was becoming attuned to her emotions. They were more powerful and complex than anything he'd ever experienced in her.

"I don't want you to go," she finally said.

He was unsure how to respond. He did not wish to leave either, but he did not wish to stay in the company of a woman who had rejected him, regardless of her motivation for doing so.

"Don't go," she pleaded softly through their bond.

This bold and absolute connection was a shock to his system. Months of working to forget her had been completely fruitless.

"Your teakettle," he replied telepathically.

"I don't care," she thought back.

"It is uncomfortably loud."

She bit her lip and held her ground. He recalled she made tea for him the first time he'd visited her apartment: a white oolong tea that he had greatly enjoyed. She had made tea for him the first time they'd kissed, though that kiss had been shared over a broken teacup and her badly injured hand and foot. It occurred to him that he had not had tea to drink since he'd stayed with her in her cabin.

"I shall stay, if you prefer," he finally said aloud.

She nodded quickly, set the cat down, and disappeared to the kitchen to remove the boiling water from the stove.

"Do you want some?" she asked nervously.

He considered his answer for a moment, uncertain what would be implied by accepting her hospitality. Then he heard her scream and felt a twinge of pain, followed by the almost immediate sound of splashing water. He instinctively raced to her tiny kitchen to find it was engulfed in steam, and she was sitting on the floor, cradling her left arm.

The skin of her left forearm and hand was already turning an angry shade of red and she was blinking furiously and gasping for air. He saw the teakettle lying on its side and hot water dripping from the counter into a large pool on the floor. New tears formed at the corners of Amanda's eyes, and he instinctively knelt to help her.

She began to cry hysterically, and he tenderly took her arm to examine the damage. She held it tightly and defensively to her chest, but leaned her head forward onto his shoulder and continued to weep. He slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her patiently, failing in his efforts to subdue his emotional connection to her.

They had done this once before: Amanda, injured and crying on the kitchen floor and him, bewildered and feeling powerless to console her. The free effusion of her emotion was beginning to overwhelm him, and he fought harder to keep his own emotions in check.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

"Illogical. You have burned yourself. You have nothing for which to apologize," he replied reflexively through their bond.

She cried intermittently for twenty more minutes, and she started to drift off to sleep in his arms. He looked at the burn on her arm and knew she needed treatment.

He began to gently push her back into a sitting position in order to retrieve her medical kit, but she refused to move.

"I'm so sorry I left," she whispered through their bond. "Please don't leave me now."

He knew then that he never would.

Author's Note: So, it seems I pissed a lot of people off with that last chapter. I didn't do it just because I'm a sadist (ok, maybe a little): there really was a purpose to it.

I think T'Rea is an interesting character. She isn't actually named in canon, but it's known that Sarek had a wife before Amanda, given the Vulcan custom of bonding children at age seven, the nature of pon farr, and the existence of Sybok.

So it turns out, some of you really hate T'Rea, and I guess that shouldn't be surprising, given you're so heavily invested in Sarek and Amanda finding happiness at this point. She's done Sarek wrong, definitely, but a part of me feels sympathetic toward her.

If you liked Tristan and Isolde, surely you can find it in your heart to at least consider her situation. I see her as a woman who was engaged to marry someone she barely knew when she was seven years old: it's not her fault that she didn't love him, and it's not her fault she fell in love with someone else.

Granted, she had other options available to her besides marrying Sarek and later having an affair, but social and family pressures are amazingly powerful. I don't think we always get to choose who we fall in love with, and I certainly understand that the circumstances behind falling in love are often inconvenient and fraught with complications. I think T'Rea was just unlucky and made some unfortunate choices.

When I write her, I see her as a woman trying to move past her mistakes, move on with her life, and do the best she can for her son. Unfortunately, she's stuck in a culture that has a lot of antiquated social rules and a long memory for even slight transgressions, and so she's forced to find a way to get along within that society.

I don't imagine it made her feel particularly good to ruin Sarek's chances with Amanda: she didn't even know he had come back to Vulcan to take a new wife. It also must have wounded her pride to ask him for such an enormous favor when she was almost certain he would refuse, but she did it because she knew it was the only way her son would have a future, and she had to at least try.

Sure, she should have thought of that before she even had a son, but to me, there's no point in judging. Sybok didn't ask to be born, and now that he has been, he deserves a fair chance just like anyone else.

So many fanfics completely ignore T'Rea and Sybok, but I think they deserve a place in my story. Their presence probably feels annoying and inconvenient, but I think they're necessary. To me, Sarek and Amanda's romance has many themes that deal with compromise, merging two worlds, and finding a way to construct a family despite the odds or what other people think.

So many modern families are blended in some way. In fact, very few families fit the classic image of a man and a woman with two perfect children, a dog, and a white picket fence. Families are messy, complicated, beautiful, and unique in their own way.

Amanda and Sarek were never destined for a picture-perfect fairytale, but that doesn't mean they can't find a way to be happy. I'm sure it will also make many of you glad to know that she won't really be featured very heavily again, but I felt like I was missing an opportunity by pretending that she simply didn't exist.

Thank you all so much for continuing to read this series, and thank you especially for the reviews.