11
The firm knocking on the her door awoke her from her thoughts and she looked down at the glass in her hand.
He will save you.
One last swallow and the wine was gone. She had no more liquid evil to fill herself with, at least until the next time she needed a night to forget. Standing slowly, she felt confident she was steady on her feet. But as she turned towards the door her face flushed a red so deep she could feel it in her core, and she knew it was far from the truth.
Another firm round of knocks to her apartment door and found her feed moving. The whole floor would hear him, she realized.
She paced in a small space in front of the door. She should open it and let him in.
It's just Elliot.
It's just the man that wrecked you.
"Olivia-"
She slid the lock out of place and opened the door wide, letting it come to rest loudly against the door stopper on the opposing wall.
A small smile spread across his features and he took a moment to let his eyes slide down her figure.
He was reading her and she was an open book. Part of her thought it was incredibly sexy, and part of her wanted to smack him for being so obvious about his desire. Or maybe it was his concern.
"Now's not a good time." Olivia's voice was hoarse. Her throat was dry and she the felt warm, deceiving salt water pools forming around her eyes and she shut them tight, silently willing the tears to go away.
It's just Elliot.
With each shaky breath, she sensed the panic leaving her and her shoulders started to relax. It was not a good sign that Olivia's anxiety was creeping it's way back into her life. She needed to get a handle on things again.
She felt him then. Elliot had stepped over the threshold and into her personal circle. He was only inches away from her and she could feel the heat of his breath against her skin. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes and found him staring at her through narrowed slits.
He wasn't smiling anymore.
"You're drunk."
Captain fucking obvious. Olivia pointed a shaking finger in his direction. "And you're an alcoholic. It's not a good time."
She turned on her heels and made her way back into the apartment.
He'll let himself out, she told herself.
He will save you.
Her apartment door shut with a soft click, but she felt his presence in the room. The air was thicker with him around. She put a hand on her forehead and worked small circles in her temple. It was far too late and she was too tired to be thinking this much. She didn't have the energy to do this -whatever he wanted to do tonight, with him.
But Olivia knew, that a part of her was glad he was here.
Let him see you like this.
He brushed passed her and rounded his way into the kitchen like it was his home and she sucked in a breath. Olivia didn't think she would ever see him here again, and he acts like he's never left. He walked back to her with two bottles of water and held one out to her.
With a sigh she took the bottle from him. "What do you want?" Her tone was accusing and she was okay with that.
"We had plans."
Her face flushed and a surge of heat boiled within her. This is a really bad idea, she thought. She knows that when she drinks, she loses her ability to think before speaking. A combination of that, the terrible weekend she's had, and Elliot being here...
This was a bad idea.
"I caught a case," she finally hissed before turning to the living room and collapsing into the couch. She set the bottle down next to the empty wine glass and kicked here feet underneath her,staring straight ahead.
"I know you did." Elliot found his place on the other side of the couch and sat tentatively, his body facing her. "It's all over the news," he added.
She wanted to point at she also texted him, but she held her tongue. She hasn't watched the news lately, and Cragen had handled all of the media inquiries. But it makes sense that a case of this nature would make the news. She wonders how much they released.
Without looking at him she asked him, "Then why are you here?"
"I was worried-"
A frustrated groan fell from Olivia's lips and she jumped up so quickly she started to lose her footing. She reached for the corner of the coffee table in an attempt to steady herself. She straightened up, blinking hard as she waited for her head to stop spinning.
"I had a case," she managed. "It was a shitty fucking case. I'm not sorry for whatever has offended you, but it's my job-"
"Considering your current state Liv, I think I had a right to be concerned."
She pushed herself forward in the direction of the door. Elliot couldn't save her, he was hardly saved himself.
"I'm not you, Elliot. And don't think you can walk back into my life and fix this mess you left me as!" She was yelling at this point, but she didn't care. As long he took the hint and left.
He had stood up at some point and was looking at her from across the room, his hands bunched into fists at his sides. She could read his expression well. He was holding himself back.
She flung the door open and pointed a shaky finger his way. "It's not a good time."
He raised a hand, but paused and instead crossed both arms across his chest before letting out a low, soft laugh.
They stayed like this, eyes watching each other from across the room, for what seemed like forever. Olivia shuffled her weight between her feet, one hand on the door while the other crossed over her abdomen. She felt naked and she was sure Elliot could see right through her confidence.
"I don't think it ever will be," she told him with a hard look.
"That's bullshit, Liv!" He lowered his eyes and Olivia waited by her open door. "Why are you doing this? Since when did you start drinking yourself into a state of stupidity every time you caught a bad case?"
"You le-" but she paused mid sentence. She was drunk and she has no filter and that's not what she meant to say. And even from across the room she could see his blue eyes darken before her.
She could sense the wheels turning and was surprised to see him holding his tongue. He was one to say exactly what was on his mind and apologize later. So many things have changed, she realized.
What were they thinking?
"Don't blame me for this," he finally snapped, dropping his hand. "I didn't-"he stopped and moved towards her and Olivia narrowed her eyes.
She pointed out the door but when Elliot reached her, he closed it and stepped right beside her toes.
"What are you doing?"
"You're crying," Elliot whispered. His hands were on her cheeks and it was then that she realized her floodgates had opened and the tears she held back were falling at a steady rate.
But Elliot was in her space and she could smell the faint scene of his cologne coming off of his collar. She focused on the the vain in his neck that seemed to bulge whenever his blood pressure was up.
Breathe, Olivia.
Was that Elliot speaking, or her inner self? She didn't know anymore. She could hardly form complete thoughts when his warms hands continued their assault on her cheeks. Her entire being was flushed and she felt her face stinging with the crimson heat of his touch. She wasn't sure when her hands had made their way to his hips but she sagged against the back wall, appreciating the support.
"I can't-" she sucked in her lower lip and rested her head back against the wall. "I can't think when you're near me like this."
Instead of backing away, he moved ever closer to her before cupping her jaw and lifting her chin.
"Look at me," he told her softly.
She did exactly that.
Time seemed to stand still. His eyes were shining but instead of the anger she expected in his expression, she found a hint of amusement.
"You can't kiss me, I'm drunk."
He laughed and she felt his warm breath on her cheek. He stayed there, hands on her face, body brushing against hers, for what seemed like eternity before he took a step back.
Breathe.
It was well into the morning hours when Olivia woke up. She sat up quickly, reaching over to grab her phone and a surge of panic rose within her when she noticed the time, 09:02. It wasn't until the threw the covers of of her and stepped onto the chilly floor of her apartment that she remembered she had the day off. And then she remembered last night.
Elliot.
She vaguely remembered dismissing him before falling into her bed last night, exhausted and ridden with the guilt of her late night, inappropriate drinking session. It was a comfort she found early on in her years as a cop, wine drinking. But after a while she found the connection between that and her mother, and she realized she had to find a better, healthier way of dealing with her life stresses. Soon after she found SVU, and she was able to push on without needing to forget.
But every so often she was overcome by a weakness, and that weakness made her believe that she could be consumed by the wine without succumbing to the same addiction that her mother did. Each morning she would wake up and remember all of the reasons she didn't let herself be that way.
And her next thought was, what exactly happened to Elliot last night?
She disappeared into the restroom to wash her face. In the mirror she was met with dark bags under her eyes and what was remaining of her eye liner. She's not sure what Elliot saw in her last night, is all he saw was what she was looking at right now.
You can't kiss me, I'm drunk.
What on earth was she saying?
Exactly what was on my mind.
Olivia wasn't sure what was happening with she and her former partner. She really needed to call Casey.
Olivia changed into a pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt before making her way to the kitchen. As she started her pot of coffee, she noticed a small note written next to the pot.
Had to head into work. I'll call you tonight. El.
The note told her two things. One, that Elliot stayed over last night. And two, that Elliot had a job? That was news to her. She wondered what kind of work he could do -and enjoy, now that he wasn't a cop anymore.
Olivia settled into a chair with her coffee in one hand and her phone in the other. She dialed a number most familiar to her and waited.
The first thing she needed to do on her day off was catch up with Casey.