{There now, steady love}

Rick can't keep his hands off of Kate. They're laying the wrong way on the bed in the bungalow, their pillows at their feet and their heads at the end of the bed. Kate is on her stomach, stretched languidly in front of him like a model posing for a painting. Rick is propped up on his elbow next to her, trailing his hand from her bare shoulder all the way down the curve of her back to her hip and then back up. Her skin is soft and warm. He can't remember what it's like not to be able to touch her anytime he wants.

"It's sweet," she says. She's explaining how she feels to him in one of those rare, completely vulnerable moments when words come easily for her and she says her feelings at the same time she understands them herself. "And I love you for it. I do. But…I can't do it that way."

She turns her head to look at him, resting her temple on top of her folded hands.

"Why not?" he asks. He wants her to talk more, wants to hear her voice.

"Because it's not fair to you. Or me, I guess. I know you like to take care of me, but this isn't supposed to be like that."

He flattens his hand, moves it across the expanse of her back. "But I explained it to you. Back in the classroom."

"Yes."

"And you know I wouldn't just do it for you now."

"Do I?"

He stops watching his hand on her skin and meets her eyes. "If we decide to do this it'll be because we both want it. Not because I want what you want. I promise you that."

She hesitates, opening her mouth to say something but apparently thinking better of it. She presses her lips together.

"Say it," he tells her.

She chews her lip for a while before she does. "How can I know that?"

He moves his hand up to her face, runs his index finger along her lips. "The same way you know that I love you."

She nips at his finger, holding it between her teeth for a second before letting it go. "I love you too."

X-X-X-X-X

She doesn't cry when she says goodbye to Hartley. She almost does, almost, but she manages to keep it together. She doesn't say much to Rick as they wait at the airport, but he doesn't seem to mind. She thinks she catches a hint of a smile on his lips before she falls asleep on his shoulder after the plane takes off, but they didn't get much sleep the night before and her eyelids feel heavy so she doesn't question him.

They land in New York a little after one in the afternoon. And then suddenly, after a cab ride she doesn't remember, she's standing in the loft with her suitcase at her feet. She's frozen for a second, staring at her surroundings like they're foreign. Everything is familiar, but somehow it's changed. She imagines a playpen next to the leather couch, a high chair at the table, matchbox cars littering the floor.

"Welcome home," Rick says in her ear, his arms wrapping around her from behind.

She all but sinks into his arms, closing her eyes. "We should unpack now so we don't have to worry about it later," she says after a moment.

He chuckles against the skin of her neck. "We should, yes. But let's not."

She turns to face him. "Why?"

"I want Alexis to come over."

"Of course. She should. But we can unpack—"

"I want to talk to her about Hartley."

That stops her cold. She stares at him for a second before she answers. "Rick, we just landed. We don't have to do that now."

"I want to." She must look skeptical because he continues. "It's important to me that she approves."

"I know. It's important to me too. We won't do it if she doesn't. But I don't want you to feel like we have to rush this because you're afraid I'm upset about leaving him."

He smiles. "You are. But I'm not doing it because of that."

She moves closer to him, placing her hands on her chest. "Rick."

He smiles. "Kate."

"Let's…let's just breathe, okay? Just for tonight. We'll make dinner, go to bed. First thing tomorrow, we'll reevaluate."

He studies her. "You want to be sure before you talk to Alexis."

She nods, grateful that he speaks her language. "I want to be sure."

X-X-X-X-X

Kate wakes in the middle of the night feeling cold. She rolls over, wanting to burrow into Rick, but she finds the other side of the bed empty. She frowns, her sleep-addled brain trying to connect the dots. She squints at the bedside clock and reads the blaring red numbers. 3:17.

She sits up and looks around. When she wakes up in the middle of the night to find him gone, it's always because he's writing. She knows where to find him. When she throws the covers off and puts her feet on the floor, she shivers; Rick's thin t-shirt is little protection against the cold. Before she heads to his study, she finds a pair of sweatpants and pulls them on.

When she gets out of the bedroom, she realizes the light in his study isn't on. She scans the loft and sees him sitting in front of the window. She moves toward him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and lowering her mouth to his ear.

"Hi," she whispers.

He covers her hands with his. "I couldn't sleep."

"I thought you'd be writing."

He traces his thumb over the back of her hand. "I kept waiting for him to cry and wake us up but he didn't because he's not here."

Kate goes still. She didn't expect that from him. It was hard for her to fall asleep too.

"Does it feel wrong to you?" he continues. "That he's not here with us?"

She swallows. "Yeah."

"Me too. I didn't think it would. I mean I hoped…but I guess I didn't realize how much I…"

He doesn't finish the thought, but he doesn't have to. Another long silence ensues. After a while her back starts to ache so she straightens and tugs on his hand. "Come to bed with me."

"I'm just going to stare at the ceiling."

"Then we can stare at it together."

He likes that. She knows because he kisses her impulsively, pulling her down to him like it's the last time he'll ever get the chance. Then he stands up and follows her to their bedroom, their fingers interlaced. She crawls into bed after him and puts her head on his chest after she slings her leg over his. He traces his hand over her back.

"Maybe we'll get used to it," she whispers into the darkness. "Maybe we need a couple of nights and then we'll go back to the way things were."

"I'm not sure I want to."

She picks her head up to look at him. Their eyes hold.

"We could paint Mother's old room," he says. "Turn it into a nursery. When he gets older we'll have to repaint, though. Something manly. Like football. Or steak."

She can't help it. She laughs. He smiles.

"Alexis will have a wardrobe picked out in a matter of days. Lanie will want to throw a baby shower, I'm sure. You'll have to tell the boys they're going to be uncles. And you have to let me do the potty training. I'm very good at it."

"Are you?" Kate says, caught somewhere between amused and stunned at the suddenness of it all.

"Oh yes. But you have to handle the shoe tying. Alexis wore Velcro until she was five and then finally learned how to tie her shoes in kindergarten. We can do public school if you want, but I wouldn't mind paying for private school. We'll have to talk about spanking versus time outs. How to deal with the press. And—"

"Rick."

He stops. She bites her lip and raises her eyebrows. He knows what she's asking.

"I'm not being rash," he answers. "I can picture it. You and me and him. I know you can too. So why waste more time pretending we need to think about it when we don't?"

She mulls it over for a while, her thoughts moving in time to his hand on her back.

"What if something happens to me?"

She's afraid to say it, but she can't say yes, can't let him say yes, until she does. It's a thought that's been in the back of her mind since her days at the academy. She knows what it's like to lose a parent. What it's like to walk around with a hole in your heart that reminds you you're empty at the worst possible times. She doesn't want to pass that feeling on to someone else.

"That's not fair," he answers.

"Doesn't make it any less of a possibility."

"What if we don't adopt him? And what if something happens to you then? Where does that leave me?"

She feels a sharp pang of hurt and frowns. "What are you–"

"What if you get hit by a bus? What if I die in a plane crash? Or a fire? What if something happens to both of us? What if something happens to him?"

"Stop it," she demands, pushing away from him. She sits up, puts her back to him and pulls her knees to her chest. She runs a hand through her hair. Silence fills the room until she feels like her ears are ringing. She feels the bed move, and he trails a finger down the curve of her shoulder.

"You can ask what ifs until you drown in them, Kate. But they won't do you a damn bit of good."

She doesn't answer. She isn't sure what to say. He's right. But if she could only have the tiniest bit of proof that she wouldn't break Hartley's heart someday, then she'd be fine.

"You want guarantees?" he asks.

"No. I know there aren't any. I just don't want to break him."

"You won't." She looks over her shoulder at him. "Que sera, sera, Kate. Stop trying to read the last page first."

X-X-X-X-X

Alexis can't stop smiling. Her dad and Kate are sitting across the table from her looking anything but normal. He's on the edge of his chair, his arm draped over the back of Kate's chair.

"And, you know, we sort of fell in love with him," he says. He's stuttering, maybe because he can see the smile on her face. Kate doesn't make an attempt to speak for him, which is what she usually does when he stutters. Alexis wonders if the detective is more nervous than she seems.

"We still have a lot to talk about," he continues. He glances at Kate, and she smiles softly. "But we wanted to see what you thought about us adopting him."

He finally looks at Alexis, and she feels like she's literally vibrating from the excitement. "I think it's the best idea you've ever had."

Kate turns her attention to Alexis, an eyebrow arched. "You do?" she asks, speaking for the first time.

"I definitely do," Alexis answers. "The only better idea would be a wedding." She looks at her dad pointedly, and then laughs when they both flush bright crimson.

"Alexis," he says in warning.

She's not a teenager anymore so she doesn't apologize. She shrugs instead. "I'm just saying." She looks at Kate. "You're sure you want this?"

Kate tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this wasn't one of his runaway schemes that snowballed and swept you away before you could say no, was it? That's really what the orphanage started as."

Alexis notices her dad shift in his chair. Kate cuts him a glance, and then looks back to Alexis. "Actually I, um…I'm the one who was scheming this time."

"I want it too."

Alexis gets the feeling he's saying it for Kate's benefit and not hers, even though he's looking at her.

"Well I'm all in," Alexis says. "I think it's great. I think you guys will be great parents. And he doesn't have any parents, so….it's great. All of it's great. You're giving him a better life."

Her dad and Kate look at each other and Alexis smiles. They're adorable. They've been adorable since she was fifteen, back when Kate was still Detective Beckett, her dad's muse-slash-work-partner and nothing more. It was always more, Alexis knows that, but she doesn't think they do.

"What's his name?" she asks.

This time it's Kate who answers. "Hartley."

"Hartley," Alexis repeats with a grin. She looks at her father. "Dad used to read me 'Frost at Midnight' when I was little."

Kate lifts her eyebrows. "Really."

"Really," Alexis laughs. "It's great," she says, shaking her head. "Everything is great. Do it. I want to meet him."