Ch.11: Seth May or May Not Win a Battle in this Chapter… and I Will Disprove Creationism… Eventually…

"67." "84." "12." "Why are you calling out numbers?" asked Chase as he emerged from the tent. "We're trying to guess how many Ferrero Rochers Damien can eat in one minute." "Okay. Erm, 7." "And… go!" Damien began stuffing Ferrero Rochers down his throat at a rate that would shame the current champion. He barely chewed, if he did at all.

"Seventeen!" called Jim when the minute ended. "Congratulations, Chase, you win!" "But Paddy said twelve." "Yes," began Damien, who looked fairly sick. "But it's not how close you are numerically, it's how close they are in the dictionary." "Oh…"

"Hey, idiots!" came a call from somewhere to their left. Everyone except Damien turned to see a burly teenager, wearing a t-shirt saying "I {heart} Texas!" He burst out laughing. "You dumbasses! You looked!" Damien stood up and began walking away. "Damien, who the hell is this guy?" asked Paddy. "That's Dan. He's the guy I named my left kidney after." "Why?" "They're both easy to punch and full of shit."

"Well, nerd, looks like I was right. Nerds do flock together." laughed Dan in a Texan accent. "I mean, you got a guy who wears shades in September, a retard, a fossil geek and a ginger!" "Don't call Paddy a retard!" yelled Jim as he removed his shades. "What did you say?" whispered Seth.

"What's the matter, ginger? Your ginger hair blocking your ginger ears? Ginger." At this, Seth lost control. It took the combined efforts of Paddy and Jim to restrain him. Damien restrained Dan as Chase looked on, bemused.

"Lads, lads!" roared Damien, drawing his taser. "Right, we're gonna settle this like men; by making animals beat each other senseless." A gopher appeared and looked at them all in a dramatic fashion. "Okay, seriously, what is that thing? No pokemon that I know of looks even remotely like that." "Let's kill it!"

Seth and Dan stood on opposite ends of a battlefield. "I pick first, ginger. Go, Woodbone!" A six-foot tall troll-like pokemon appeared. "Okay, I choose Growlithe!" A Growlithe appeared, which looked puny compared to the giant troll. This made Dan laugh. "Woodbone, use Rock Smash!" Woodbone smashed a rock, the pieces of which flew into Growlithe. "Growlithe, use Fire Spin!" Dan had failed to realise that the wood in Woodbone was not just a name, it was a description of his type. Dan was stupid not to realise this.

"Man up, Woodbone! Show 'em what you're made of!" You mean wood? "Use Mega Punch!" Had the Mega Punch struck Growlithe, it would have almost definitely squashed him like a very flat, squashed thing. Fortunately, it struck Seth instead, squashing him like a very flat, squashed thing.

"Growlithe, use Ember, and get me a cold compress please. Thank you, doctor." said Seth in a dazed voice. The Ember attack set Woodbone on fire, causing a great deal of damage. "You can't beat me because I'm a Texan!" "Great, we got another racist stereotype." "Go, Gemin!" A small crystalline pokemon appeared. "Gemin, use Rock Throw!" A large boulder hurtled through the air and landed on top of Growlithe. It hurt. Quite a bit.

"Go, Nidorino!" Seth roared. Oh yeah, I rock. Fuck! "Nidorino, Double Kick!" Nidorino struck Gemin right in the face. "Gemin, use Guillotine!" For once, this move actually worked. Nidorino's head fell off. Fortunately, due to plot holes it was surgically replaced by a pair of Caterpie.

"You've lost, ginger!" Dan mocked. Gemin laughed. "I still have one pokemon. Go, Bonsly!" When Bonsly appeared, Gemin and Dan laughed hard enough to pee themselves. Seth picked up Bonsly and threw him with the force of a hamster falling from space.

(I always wanted to use that metaphor.)

Bonsly struck Gemin square between the eyes, bounced off, ricocheted off dozens of trees like a pinball on drugs, hit Chase's trampoline, flew over Jim's head and smacked Dan in the face. Hard.

"Ow, my face!" sobbed Dan. Gemin swayed on the spot for a moment, then collapsed. Bonsly bounced off a few more trees, then came to rest at Seth's feet, utterly unharmed.

"WHAT THE FUCK? HOW THE FUCKING FUcK DID BONSLY FUCKING WIN? BONSLYS NEVER WIN!" Paddy yelled. "Actually, they do." muttered Damien. "Apparently." agreed Jim. "Maybe you should evolve it into a Sudowoodo." recommended Chase.

"No fucking way! Sudowoodo's gay!" argued Seth. "If there was a non-gay evolution of Bonsly, it would be awesome, but there isn't, so it's the most useless pokemon ever. It's worse than Magikarp, for God's sake!" At every word, Bonsly grew more and more depressed. "It smells weird, too." At this last insult, it took a knife and stabbed itself in the brain. "Oh my God, Bonsly killed Bonsly!" Damien roared. "You bastards!" chimed in Jim.

"Oh, it doesn't matter, I've got tons more in my bag." "Hey, dumbasses!" Nobody looked. "You can't beat me, because I'm an American!" "Oh, great, here we go…" "I have the one thing that makes America distinctive among all nations."

"Obesity?" "Racism?" "Those tiny little flags they give out at elections?" "No, I'm talking about-" "Mormons?" "A-bombs?" "The Statue of Liberty?" "No, back up. You said it already."

"The Statue of Liberty?" "No, before that." "Mormons? You have Mormons?" "No, after that." "The Statue of Liberty?" "The A-bomb, you freaking morons!"

Dan whipped the cover off of -

a sign that said "A-bomb- coming Spring 201111111." (one is a typo. Try to guess which one!) "Dammit! Never use I-talian labour." "TASER!" Chase roared. Dan fell to the ground, twitching.

The other four gaped in horror. "Well, that wasn't expected until chapter 23. The continuity sucks." whispered Damien. Jim nodded sternly. "Remember, with great power, comes a hell of a lot of pie." The man with the pipe nodded his agreement.

Woodbone: [grass]: forest troll pokemon: regardless of what I may have written, its bones are not made of wood. They're made of a composition of vine and bone which has a similar consistency to wood.

Gemin: [rock]: crystal pokemon: Now available in a wide variety of colours! Warning. Do Not Eat. It makes them irritable.