Chapter 10

Louise sat at the table across from Kid and downed her second glass of water in just ten minutes. Being here alone with Kid was more than daunting, and even though she silently chastised herself for behaving like a silly teenager, she just could not avoid feeling this nervous. It was absurd.

"Thirsty, uh?" the Southerner remarked causally when she left the second glass empty. Lou smiled uncomfortably, feeling her cheeks flamed. "Want some more?" he offered, reaching for the water jug.

"No, thanks," Louise replied, moving her palm to and fro at the same time.

The waiter came with their order, and the pair quickly started to eat. Both of them focused their attention on the food as a way to avoid facing each other. Lou noticed that Kid kept stealing glances in her direction, which made Lou more nervous than she already was. The situation reminded her of better times when his intense look across the bunkhouse table made her heart flutter. She loved the feeling, and back then just by looking in his eyes, she could always read what he was saying without uttering the actual words. Lou had always felt there was a constant declaration of love in his gaze, and everything seemed so simple in those days.

Too much time had passed since then, and everything was so different now. His eyes looked as blue as always, but she sadly realized that she was not sure what she might find in them. Selfishly or not, she really wanted to have Kid silently love her like always. She longed to believe that his eyes expressed the same adoration, the same passion for her. It was a beautiful illusion that she could not afford to believe.

Louise turned her eyes to Kid. His countenance was serious, but he smiled as he noticed her gaze in his direction. "This is a nice place," Kid remarked.

"Yes, and quiet," Lou added. Almost the whole town was at the social, and only a couple of the tables were not empty. This was one of the new restaurants that had opened in Rock Creek in the last year, and it was obviously better than the single one existing in town years ago.

"It's kind of romantic too, ain't it?"

Lou smiled sheepishly, and felt a tug in her stomach. It was a strange sensation, and she did not know if it was something good. What she realized, though, was that lifting her mask and getting rid of her iron façade had not been so difficult, and she even felt good with herself. Rachel and Emma had been right. Getting out of her shell was what she had needed all along. Maybe she had not ruined everything as she had believed, and there was still some hope she might redeem herself.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" Lou finally asked with a smile.

His smile, though, vanished as soon as he said, "Us."

"Uh… us? What about us?" Lou stammered, not expecting he would be so direct in whatever he had to tell her.

Kid breathed in, put his fork down, and wiped his mouth with a napkin before he spoke up. "About our situation," Kid muttered, keeping his eyes low while his thumb scratched an imaginary stain on the tablecloth. "It… it's pointless to have a paper saying we're married when that ain't a real fact. Maybe… we should set things right, and… and get a divorce."

Lou's expression froze, and the fork almost slipped out of her fingers when she heard him. Her face paled, and a shiver coursed all over her body, but Kid never noticed any of this since he could hardly look at her. "A… a divorce?" she managed to croak.

"It's the right thing to do. We haven't lived as husband and wife for too long, and it doesn't make sense to keep this fake marriage going."

"I guess you're right," Lou muttered. Of course he was right, and she shouldn't be surprised. In fact, she had even considered the option a few times over the years, but she had always backed off, thinking that she would have to contact Kid. Now that he put the option on the table, she felt strangely disappointed and sad, and she could even feel that the mask she had disposed of that very day started to cover her face again.

"The lawyer here in town, Lance Gordon, would receive us tomorrow. I went to see him today."

"You seem to have things very clear," Louise remarked, her voice coated with a tinge of irritation.

Kid shrugged his shoulders. His right hand picked up his fork again, and started to toy with the food in his plate. "I've had too long to think everything through."

His words sounded like a recrimination to her ears even though he had not intended them to come out that way. All of a sudden, her defense mechanism kicked in, and her whole body hardened, ready to fight a new battle. "Do you have a kept woman at home?" she asked dryly.

"Wh… what?" exclaimed Kid, taken aback by her question so much that his eyes finally lifted to face hers.

"Kid, there's no need to be ashamed," she continued in a patronizing way "Life goes on for everybody, even for you and me. There's a special person in my life too. We're very much in love, and people in Seneca even think we're actually married."

Kid stared at her. His eyes had lost their previous softness, and shone with coldness. "Then as soon as you're free, you can marry and join him forever," he said sarcastically between gritted teeth.

"I can't wait," Lou replied, letting out a fake peal of laughter. "And I know he'll never leave me… never ever. He's a man of his word."

It was almost physical the pain that Kid felt as he received Lou's direct kick. There was no doubt about the intention in her comment, and Kid felt the urge to rise to his feet and leave. Yet, he remained there, stoically enduring the idea that another man had taken his place, and what was worse, had managed to gain Lou's love when he had failed. "Good for you then," he replied, unable to keep the bitterness from echoing in his voice.

Eager to distract his troubled mind, Kid lowered his eyes and forced himself to eat even though he had lost his appetite completely. His most dreaded fears in these years had finally got confirmed. He had never dared to ask Rachel or Teaspoon, fearing what they might tell him, and it was Lou who finally broke the news to him. Of course it was natural. Lou was a great, beautiful woman, and it was long ago she did not need to be faithful to him. He should feel happy for her, but what he felt was deep grief and desolation. He just couldn't share her happiness, he just couldn't.

Lou kept quiet, and almost mimicked her still husband. Casting her eyes down, she simply stared blankly at her uneaten food. Once again she had resurfaced among her ashes, and came back to life. Kid would not hurt her again, not him, or any other man for the matter. If she had to lie or deceive, she would, but nobody would harm her. What a fool she had been! Here thinking she could smooth things with him, and all he wanted was a damned divorce! Now he would be able to frolic around with that woman he hid somewhere. Why else would he want a divorce? If he thought he could flaunt his righteousness and bliss in her very nose, and get away with it, then he had another thing coming. Of course she had hit back as strongly as she could. And she had beaten him… yes, she had won over him, Lou kept repeating over and over again in her mind. But then, she mused, why on earth did she feel like a loser?

After leaving the restaurant, Kid had insisted on walking Lou safely home. She had declined at first, but when he had reiterated his offering, she did not have the energy to refuse again, and had granted him permission with a shrug.

The anger she had felt during their dinner in the restaurant had gradually vanished, and had given way to overwhelming misery. The tears strongly fought to escape their confines, but Louise made an almost superhuman effort to choke them back. Her situation was so pitiful and contemptible.

As she thought about what she had just done, she felt more and more miserable and ashamed. Why the hell did she have to make up that stupid story about that imaginary man in her life? That said so little of her, or maybe too much of the person she actually was. Why did she have to resort to these childish tricks? What was more, what she had managed with her stupid antics was to lower herself even more. What if Kid had a mistress at home? That was beside the point, but she had stomped over her own dignity and pride. It had been her own big mouth, nobody else. That showed how little of a lady she was. No wonder she had always feared people would think she wasn't one, but she had proved tonight that was a fact. She was no lady, and had shown herself to Kid as an adulterous witch. Now he had more reasons to think the worst of her.

They started walking in silence along the main street. Lou did not try to say anything because in her current mood she did not trust herself. Her big mouth had done too much tonight. Besides she was too sensitive and hurt, and her voice would betray her for sure.

"Lou…" Kid called after a while. Louise looked at him, and he did not rush to speak, and when he did, he struggled to get the words out of his mouth. "Lou, I… I wanted to tell you I'm really sorry for what happened to Jeremiah."

Louise was surprised to hear the sincerity in his voice after the way they had ended up at the restaurant. "Thanks," she whispered, the unshed tears shining in her eyes. Even though a year had passed since then, she still got very upset about her brother's death, and tonight she was especially sensitive.

"I deeply regretted his death when I heard. He was a good boy."

Louise sighed. "It's been a horrible year. I still can't believe he's gone. His death wasn't fair. My brother shouldn't have died."

"I considered coming down to Seneca for his funeral," Kid admitted softly, "but then I decided against it. I knew you'd be shattered, and I…"

"I was devastated," Louise cut him off, daring to lift her shining eyes to him. "You should have come. I felt so hurt and lonely, and I'd have welcomed to have you there by my side."

Her words took Kid by total surprise, and he stopped dead in his tracks. Daring to place a hand on her arm and stop her, he exclaimed, "Lou, what are you saying?"

"I… I don't know." She was not sure why she had said that. Maybe she was more upset than she was ready to admit, and now she did not care if she had let her guard down and tore her stupid mask into shreds. It was the first true thing she had said tonight. The day of Jeremiah's funeral she had secretly been hoping Kid would turn up, and she would have welcomed him with open arms. On those days or maybe weeks the need for him was so huge that when he did not show up and she did not even get a letter from him, she even felt more empty and miserable.

"Lou, you didn't even cross a word with me a couple of hours ago. How could you say you wanted me there with you? I had every reason to believe you wouldn't want to see me."

"I know, but I hoped…"

"Hoped? Lou, I never heard from you at all in years," Kid cut her off, rising his voice, which just showed how totally flabbergasted he was.

"Because I was angry and hurt! Not because I didn't care!" Lou retorted. "I suffered so much… so, so much during the war. I thought you were dead for too long."

"Don't you think I didn't suffer too?"

"Yes, but…"

"And I came back!" Kid continued in the same tone. "I came back to you, Lou! I called at your door, longing to see you, hug you, kiss you, but you slammed that damned door in my very nose."

"I… I just wanted you to suffer like I did, feel what I did!" Lou answered back, hot tears springing to her eyes. "It was never my intention to delete you from my life. I only wanted to punish you… a little."

Kid shook his head in disbelief. What he was learning tonight turned his whole world upside down, and he was not even sure how to take all this. "Lou, I kept knocking at that closed door for three whole weeks, hoping you opened it a crack, just a crack. Three whole weeks, and you didn't even give me the chance to talk to you! I never noticed a small spark of hope because all I saw was that damned closed door. I left because it was obvious you didn't want me!"

"I would've come round in the end! You would have knocked down my resistance because I was actually willing… I just needed a little more time."

"Oh Lou!" Kid exclaimed, throwing his arms to the starred sky above them. "How can you tell me this now? You can't imagine what this does to me!" He paused and asked, "Why… why then did you never contact me in all these years?"

"Because I was proud… proud and stupid!" Louise replied, and the tears that had shyly appeared on her eyes finally flowed down her eyes. She did not want to cry and appear like a poor, needy woman to his eyes, but she couldn't hold them back. So as she swirled around from him, those tears turned into racking sobs.

"Lou…" Kid breathed. As he heard the pain behind her tears, his anger had turned into tenderness and even compassion. He dared to come closer, and placed a hand on her shoulder."

"I'm so sorry," she bawled and buried her face in her right hand. "My life's a mess, a total mess. I've ruined everything. Nothing I touch remains intact. Everything turns into rubble, everything!"

"Lou, that ain't true!" Kid exclaimed softly, stroking her tense shoulder from behind her. "You're a very capable woman… like always. From what I've heard, you're a terrific businesswoman, and your store is doing so well thanks to your efforts, and…" Kid paused and swallowed. What he meant to say next was not easy, but Lou needed to be reminded of all the blessings she had in her life. "And well… There… there's somebody… a very lucky fella who adores you and must be missing and thinking of you right at this moment."

His words went straight into her much wounded heart, and something triggered within her. Whirling around, she fixed her red, puffy eyes into his blue one. "That's a lie!" she cried, and at Kid's confused frown, she repeated, "It's a lie! There's nobody… no man in my life. I… I just wanted to get even with you, and made all that up! I didn't want you to think I'm just a pathetic, little woman, but I don't care anymore. That's what I am, and that's all you can see."

"Lou, don't say that! You ain't pathetic, and I've never thought you were," Kid replied, his heavy heart feeling much lighter as he learned there wasn't somebody else for her. Taking a step closer, he rested his hands on her shoulders. "And, Lou, get even with me? Where did that idea come from? I never said I had a woman. How can I? I'm still married to you, and in all these years no other woman has made my heart beat as fast you always did."

Silent tears kept cascading from her eyes, and Kid dared to softly wipe them with his thumbs. Lou held her breath. His touch still managed to send shivers all through her body, and that increased her awareness of what she had lost. Lou knew she could not ask for his comprehension or support after the way she had treated him, but even risking to be refused, she blindly threw herself against Kid and hugged him. "I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. Will you ever forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive, Lou," Kid softly replied, also hugging her. "I also made too many mistakes with you."

"I know I have no right to ask anything from you," Lou said, lifting her eyes form his chest to look at him. "But could… could we start afresh? Could we some day … be at least friends again?"

Kid did not say anything, just looked at her with his intense eyes. Then he answered her questions by framing her head between his hands, and ever so slowly his face towards hers. His lips touched hers in a brief, soft kiss, but so powerfully that her body shivered from head to toe and her heart pounded in her chest like never before. Her big eyes met his and this time she was absolutely sure what she saw in them. Unable to resist her desire any longer, she found his lips once again with such passion and yearning that surprised both of them, but that did not stop them. It had been so long since she had had that sweet mouth of his adoring her that her hunger for him was incontrollable. She needed to feel him as much and close as possible. Her lips fully demanded that attention and Kid followed her lead, kissing her ravenously and eager as if there was no tomorrow. Her fingers intertwined in his hair, bringing him closer to her while his hands stroked her body from her shoulders to her back and arms… everything and everywhere he could reach.

Some sounds nearby made them stop abruptly, and they realized for the first time they were in the middle of the street where anybody could see them. Panting after their intense and ardent kiss, they kept staring adoringly into each other's eyes, and when Kid managed to get his breath back, he said, "Come on, Lou. Let's go someplace more private."