Ch.11

August 28th, 2017

"Katie, honey put your bowl in the sink," Michaela shouted from the living room.

"Hannah, if you don't stand still I can't tie this tight enough," she explained slightly exasperated as she attempted to tie the hair ribbon at the bottom of the blond braid.

"Sorry," she replied still fidgeting slightly.

"There I'm finished. Now you can move," she said, and Hannah quickly ran to her room to grab her backpack.

While Hannah dashed off to her room, Michaela began searching the living room for the camera that always seemed to be lost.

"Mommy, what are you looking for?" Katie inquired as she watched her mother search through the wooden bookcases.

"The camera. Sweetheart, go get your shoes and bring them here, so I can tie them for you," she returned.

"Okay," Katie replied skipping down the hallway.

Hannah returned and took a seat on the couch to tie her black and white saddle shoes. Michaela soon found the camera behind a picture frame, and turned around quickly spotting Hannah on the couch.

"Oh, Hannah," she said softly as she wiped a tear from her eye.

"Mommy, why are you crying?" she returned genuinely confused.

"Oh, it's just what moms do when their little girls go off to their first day of school," she answered wistfully.

"Mommy, I've been to school before," Hannah replied.

"Yes, but this is all day school. It's a big deal," she said as the tears continued to fall from her eyes.

"Okay…" she answered still not understanding it fully.

"You're just growing up so fast… I still remember when I dropped you off for your first day of preschool…" she explained nostalgically.

"That was a long time ago," Hannah responded.

"Not to me," Michaela answered softly as she looked over at her oldest daughter.

"Come stand over here by the window. I want to take some pictures of you before we have to leave."

"Oh, okay," she answered quickly jumping up from the couch and bouncing over toward the window.

After taking about a dozen pictures, she requested Hannah put her backpack on and proceeded to take several more.

"How many pictures are ya goin' ta take?" he said with a laugh, as he and Katie stepped into the living room.

"I still haven't taken any of Katie yet," she replied.

"Alright, well ya can't take two thousand, or they'll be late for school," he answered teasingly.

"Okay, Katie go stand by your sister," she requested.

After she had taken several pictures of the girls together and then several of just Katie, he gently reminded her again that they needed to leave soon.

"Come here Katie," she said as she pulled her daughter in close.

"Goodbye sweetheart. Have a wonderful first day of school," she said with a tear falling down her face.

"I will," she replied cheerfully.

"I love you sweetie," she returned as she kissed her daughter.

"Don't cry Mommy," she said as she brushed her tiny hand across her mother's cheek.

"Okay, I won't," Michaela answered with a small laugh.

"Not you too, Daddy," Hannah said as she caught her father wiping a few tears from his eyes as well.

"I'm sorry, honey. I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. Ya look so cute in that uniform," he returned affectionately.

"I don't know about that," she said with a shrug.

"No, really. I think you are the prettiest little girl I've ever seen in a uniform," he explained as he pulled her in for a hug.

"What about Mommy? She said she had to wear a uniform to school."

"Yeah, she did. But she looked silly in hers. It was just white and red, and she looked like a peppermint stick," he said with a wink.

"Hey, I did not!" she cried as the girls erupted in laughter.

"Alright if you say so," he retorted.

She simply shook her head gently in his direction as he hugged Hannah goodbye. Then, he turned and pulled Michaela into his arms. He planted a sweet kiss on her lips before saying, "Goodbye sweetheart. Call me if you need to talk at all."

He knew today would be hard for her. Not only was it Hannah's first day of first grade, but it was Katie's first day of preschool. That and the added stress of the baby and the recent news was bound to take a toll on her.

"Okay," she answered softly.

He nodded in her direction before taking Katie's hand and leading the way to the garage with Hannah and Michaela following closely behind.

Hannah ran towards one of the little wooden desks by the window exclaiming, "Mommy, mine is over here!"

Michaela soon joined her, and Hannah began to excitedly jump up and down as she pointed to the desk directly across from the one with 'Hannah Sully' printed in black letters.

"Look Mommy, Madison is sitting right next to me!" she cried in excitement knowing her best friend from Kindergarten would be sitting close by.

Michaela breathed a small sigh of relief knowing Hannah was liable to have a good day with her best friend so close.

"That's wonderful sweetheart. But promise me you won't talk to her when the teacher wants you to be quiet and listen."

"I promise," she answered with a smile as she pulled the top of the wooden desk upward.

"Look we even get the desks with the tops that lift up. Those are the best ones!" she exclaimed as she sat her backpack down in the blue plastic chair.

"They are, huh?" Michaela questioned as Hannah eagerly unzipped her backpack.

"Yeah!" she said excitedly as she began pulling the markers and pencils from her backpack and placing them neatly into her desk.

"So, it looks like you are going to have fun in this class," Michaela stated as she helped Hannah place the remaining supplies safely inside her desk.

"I think you're right," Hannah replied cheerfully.

"Can I have a kiss goodbye?" she prompted bending down to Hannah's level.

"Bye Mommy, I love you," she returned as she wrapped her arms tightly around her mother's neck.

"I love you, too sweetie. Do you know where you're going after school?"

"Yeah. I'm supposed to make sure the teacher knows that I go to daycare across the street. Then, you or Daddy will pick Katie and me up after work," she answered confidently.

"That's right," she responded placing a kiss on her daughter's cheek.

"Bye Mommy," she said again as she kissed her mother and then pulled back slightly.

"Bye honey," she said softly as she looked down into her daughter's blue eyes.

In that very moment, she saw so much of Sully in her daughter's sparkling eyes. Many people said Hannah resembled Michaela, but she always saw so much of her husband present in her little girl's appearance and spirit. She winked at Hannah one more time before walking towards the door of the classroom. As she stepped into the hallway, she turned around to see Hannah still watching her. She waved confidently to her mother, and Michaela returned the gesture with a smile.

As she continued down the hall, she felt the strong tears welling behind her eyes. She had promised herself she wouldn't cry, but it was simply too hard. Her little girl, who had been so very small what seemed like only days ago, was now in first grade. She could still vividly remember the day they had brought her home from the hospital. Nothing about that memory seemed to belong six and a half years in the past. She gently wiped away her tears as she continued down the hall and out the door, passing many parents with similar tears of sadness in their eyes.

She wondered how Sully was doing dropping off Katie. She didn't think he would have many problems considering this wasn't the first time Katie had been away from her mother and father for the day. She had been going to daycare for years now, so preschool shouldn't be overwhelming for her. When she had dropped Hannah off at preschool for the very first time, Hannah was one of the few children that didn't cry as she was separated from her mother. She hoped for Sully's sake that Katie reacted the same way.

As she pulled her car door shut and started the car, she couldn't help but glance up once again at the large stone building. Her mind quickly flashed to the day Katie would be entering that school as a first grader. As soon as her mind was filled with thoughts of both of her daughters attending such a prestigious private school, she snapped her eyes shut tight as she knew her mind was about to enter that dark cave again. The dark cave she tried to keep herself from entering every waking moment. He will never walk into school confidently the way Hannah had…. He may never even attend this school… If he has a severe mental handicap, he very likely won't… He won't go to school with his sisters, ever… or read a book… or learn to write…or even play on the playground.

The thoughts of her son's broken future hurt so deeply she could barely stand the pain. She tried to push those thoughts away, but they were so very good at gripping onto her very tightly and refusing to let go. She picked up the phone to call Sully but decided against it. There was a good chance he was still across the street dropping Katie off, or better yet on his way to work. He rarely answered his phone while driving, and besides she wasn't going to do that to him. There was no reason to bring him down with her. For all she knew he had found a way to have a positive day, and she couldn't take that away from him. Just because she was miserable didn't mean he had to be as well.

"How could you let this happen?" she cried in anguish her gaze turned above.

"Was it simply too hard? Too hard to let me have him safe and healthy? That's all we wanted. That's all we asked for," she said as the tears spilled from her eyes.

"Is this punishment for wanting another child? Should I have just been happy with two? I guess you tried to tell me that with Katie, but I wouldn't listen. I guess I should have considered myself lucky to have Katie alive and healthy, but I couldn't just be happy with my life the way it was. Is that what this is about?" she said in despair pausing only to steady her rapid breathing.

"I don't know how to accept this… I truly don't. And I don't know how to accept the fact that you allowed this to happen. Why didn't you protect him? Why? I did everything I could…" she sobbed as she buried her head in her hands.

"Maybe this was just too good to be true… It was simply too easy to conceive him. I should have known something was around the bend… I should have known… No one gets what they want this easily… No one…" she cried as her body began shaking from the overwhelming agony.

Her mind began to flash back to those days three years ago… Those painful days in which she had thought she would never have another child. That time she had experienced the pain up front. This time there had been no pain, so now it was time to pay the price…

February 17th, 2013

As the silence in the room rang through both of their ears, they knew the inevitable pain was around the corner. In a matter of moments they would be told once again that it wasn't happening. That stick would deliver painful news yet again, and each would be faced with the true meaning behind it. It would mean another month of waiting, anticipating, praying, hoping, and pleading. Another month of wishing for something they had come to realize they had very little control over. She turned her gaze to the blinking clock then back to his blue eyes.

"Do ya want me ta look at it this time?" he questioned gently.

She merely shook her head in response, as it required far too much strength to respond verbally. She slowly stood and walked toward the bathroom door, though it took every ounce of strength inside of her to put one foot in front of the other.

As soon as she stepped back into the room and lifted her head only slightly to gaze into his eyes, he knew exactly what it had said. The same thing it had said the last eight months every time they had looked. He jumped to his feet, and quickly pulled her into his arms knowing the utter devastation was bound to hit her at any moment.

"Oh, I'm so sorry sweetheart," he responded as he held her close.

"No, I'm sorry. I know you want this as badly as I do…" she whispered as the tears fell from her eyes. "Besides it's probably my fault anyway…"

"Don't say that. We don't know that. At this point we have no idea why it's still not workin'. The fact that they still chalk it up ta not a problem is the most frustrating part. How many more months do we have ta put up with this pain for it to be considered a problem?" he expressed in frustration.

"Three," she replied glumly knowing exactly how doctors felt regarding this issue.

"Do you wanna give up?" he responded sadly with tears now falling from his eyes.

"Of course not! How can you even say that?" she questioned clearly upset.

"I'm sorry. You're right, but this is just so hard. And it never gets any easier… It only gets worse," he cried as his heart ached with lost dreams.

"Don't you still want another child?" she questioned through tear-stained eyes.

"Of course I do. I just don't know how much more of this I can take," he answered clearly feeling defeated.

"We can't give up. Not if this is what we really want. We have to keep praying Sully. One of these days it will happen," she responded with a slight smile.

"You're right," he said nodding his head softly as he ran his hands gently up and down her arms.

"It's just endurin' this pain three more times before we can even discuss other options just seems like an awful sentence," he explained as he brought his hand up to gently wipe away the tears from her eyes.

"I know, but maybe it won't happen that way. Maybe we'll get our wish next month," she replied wistfully.

"I guess it's possible," he responded with a shrug.

"Pray Sully. Believe that it will work out," she said softly as she lay her head down on his chest.

"I have been, honey. I have been," he said as the sorrow flooded his heart.

As he held his crying sweetheart in his arms, he willed himself not to loose all hope or faith. Clearly she had yet to abandon all heart, so he couldn't either. He took a deep, steadying breath telling himself that although things seemed grim and he felt defeated, things could always be worse. He had a healthy wife and daughter, and for that he was grateful even if their wish for another child was not in the cards yet.

June 17th, 2013

No, there's no way… It can't possibly say that, she thought as her mind began spinning. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again sure that she would see a different result. But it was still there staring her in the face. After repeatedly shaking the stick back and forth, it still read that one magical word. "Oh my God," she mouthed as she pulled another box out from underneath the cabinet. This simply couldn't be right. With her hands shaking as she ripped open the box, excitement flooded through every bone in her body. If this one displayed the same one word answer she had been longing to see for over a year now, she truly wouldn't know what to do with the over flooding joy.

"Barbie, I'm NOT eating green beans again tonight! I mean it! Don't put them in the basket!" Sully cried as he shook the Ken doll back and forth.

Hannah giggled to pieces as she made the blond plastic doll place the small can of green beans into the pink plastic cart.

"No! I HATE green beans, and I'm not eatin' them!" Sully shouted as the plastic Ken doll in his hand ran down the next aisle in the tiny grocery store playset.

Hannah only erupted in more laughter as the Barbie in her hand proceeded to add another can of green beans to the cart. Sully's Ken doll soon arrived back at the pink basket dropping in two plastic cartons of chocolate ice cream.

"Well you can eat all the green beans ya want to Barbie. I'm eatin' ice cream for dinner," Sully replied triumphantly holding his Ken upright in protest.

In response, Hannah burst out in a fit of laughter so intense tears were streaming down her face. Sully soon joined in on the contagious laughter as his daughter's sweet giggle filled the room.

"What are you laughin' at? Huh?" he questioned as he tickled his sweet little girl eliciting even more laughter.

He turned his eyes towards the doorway, as Michaela bounced in her face lit up in a way he had never seen before.

"Come here," she requested with a large grin as she playfully motioned for him to join her with her index finger.

He released Hannah from his playful hold and pushed off from the ground, appearing at her side very eager to learn what had her this ecstatic.

"What?" he said in question as she grinned back at him.

"I have something I want to share with you," she said softly.

"Okay…." he replied as he laced his hands into hers affectionately.

"I'm pregnant!" she exclaimed in a rush of emotion.

"Oh my God!" he screamed, as he picked her up off the ground.

As he spun her around in his arms, Hannah quickly bounced over to his side eager to join in on the excitement. He gently placed Michaela back down on the ground and bent down to pick up Hannah. She jumped up and down in excitement and wrapped her arms around his neck as he held her tightly with one arm. Then, he wrapped the other around Michaela pulling her in close.

"I can't believe this!" he cried in happiness.

"Neither can I! I even ran another test to make sure," she explained her eyes sparkling with pure elation.

"But I thought the doctors said we needed ta try those fertility drugs?" he questioned.

"They did say that, but I guess we got lucky. It worked without them," she responded.

"I think it was all that prayin'," he said with a smile.

"I think you're right. But you do know that we will have to discuss all of this again next time? If there is a next time…" she trailed off softly.

"Why wouldn't there be a next time? If you still want more children ya know I will always be on board. I told ya that a long time ago."

"Even after all of this anxiety, worry, and stress?"

"Of course! Next time we'll be prepared for the waitin'. We'll know it's down the road, and be ready to explore all the different treatment options. And it will be a relief not ta have to wait a year to try them either," he answered confidently.

"I know!" she cheerfully responded.

By this time Hannah had grown tired of being held and began to wiggle in Sully's arms. After placing a kiss on her forehead, he placed her back on the ground. Then, after wrapping both arms around Michaela, they both simply stood in silence relishing in the comfort of being in one another's embrace.

"Sully," she whispered softly.

"Yeah?" he returned.

"I think there's another reason it worked this time."

"And why's that?" he inquired.

"You realize that the night this well… happened…" she said blushing slightly.

"What?" he said nudging her slightly urging her to continue.

"The night we… well created this baby... was our anniversary…" she explained with a shy smile.

A grin erupted across his features as his mind flashed back to that night. Daniel and Jennifer had offered to babysit Hannah for the evening, and they had decided to have a romantic dinner alone at home to celebrate. Their evening had quickly spiraled into one of passionate enthusiasm as they had decided to take a month off from attempting to conceive. Both had been caught up in the moment rather than worried about the end result. It had been one of the best nights they had ever had together. He knew memories of that night were the cause of the blush that crept across her cheeks.

"That makes it all the more special," he said affectionately as he placed a gentle kiss onto her lips.

"That it does," she replied as they both turned their gaze toward little Hannah playing with her grocery store playset.

Both had the same smile across their face as thoughts of their new little one playing on the floor with Hannah one day danced through their heads.

August 28th, 2017

She brushed the tears from her eyes for the thousandth time since leaving Hannah at school. That joy…happiness…relief… that had come from those positive test results had been one of the best feelings of her life. She had endured over a year of pain, begging and pleading with God to give her another child. This time, however, she hadn't experienced that year of pain. She hadn't begged for another child. As she had said before this child had fallen into her lap, just as Hannah had.

But unlike Hannah her son wasn't going to be born healthy, and there was absolutely nothing she could do to change that. Her son had spina bifida… No matter what she said or did… what she hoped, wished, begged, or pleaded for nothing would change that dreaded fact. Nothing. Come on Michaela pull it together here, she commanded.

After another few moments of sitting in the silence of the car, she knew she needed to open the door. Frankly, she shouldn't even be here at all. She should be at work and she knew she would pay for that, but she honestly didn't care. It took too much strength to overcome this pain day after day. It was a strength she didn't believe she still possessed.

It had been exactly a week since they had heard the dreaded news. A week since her world came crashing down around her. Everything had been wonderful before that horrendous news... She could feel her heart racing as the breathless feeling overwhelmed her. She would give anything to go back to those weeks of happiness. Those weeks when she was able to feel the joy that every other expectant mother felt instead of this pain and heartache. It's not fair... Why did this happen to us? Why couldn't he just be healthy? Why can't I just be happy at the thought of him inside of me like every other mother? The painful thoughts swirled through her head to such a degree she soon felt lightheaded. She knew she had to focus on calming herself down quickly.

After she took a few deep breaths, she soon realized that maybe it wasn't such a bad decision to stay home for the day. She had almost thrown herself into a full-blown panic attack, which wasn't good for her or the baby. Although sleeping wasn't a permanent solution, it would work for the time being as it had for the last week. She knew if she spent the afternoon in bed, these awful thoughts of reality wouldn't torture her. So, after a few more deep breaths, she opened her car door and walked into the house.

After sending Sully a text message asking him to pick up the girls after work, she turned the ringer off on her phone and tossed it onto the dresser. If there were a real emergency someone would call the house phone. Then, she tossed her black heels into the closet, and slipped into a t-shirt and sweatpants. When Sully came home with the girls, he would simply assume she'd been able to get off work slightly early and took a nap before they arrived home. It was better if he didn't know she skipped out on work today. He would worry himself sick over it, and in all honesty sleep wouldn't hurt her son or her one bit. For now sleeping would take away the pain, and enable her to make it through another day. And that was all that really mattered.