He remembered the last time he had seen his grandfather. Han Solo had snuck away the night before to go on some stupid adventure again, and Leia stopped by with Luke at his academy to see where her husband was. When Luke told her that Han hadn't come by, Leia stormed back to her ship, yelling, only stopping briefly to complain that Ben's no good nerf-herding filth-smuggling father had disappeared in the middle of the night again, to say that she loved her son, to kiss him on the forehead.
Ben tried as hard as he could to peacefully meditate that night, but he was distracted by the surge of anger he felt when he thought about his father running away from his responsibilities and family. He was so angry thinking about his mother—his brave, determined mother—waking up to find her husband gone again, not knowing where he was. And when Ben had opened his eyes, Vader stood before him.
It was the respirator that gave him away. Leia always said that the sound of his breathing haunted her nightmares for years, and Luke told his younglings that there was no sound like his father's pained breathing.
Vader's face was corrupted, overrun by machinery and metal. He stood before Ben, cloaked in an inky black incredibly close to the darkness of space, and Ben felt wonder, not fear, as he looked up at his grandfather.
That was the night he became Kylo Ren. Darth Vader filled his head with promises of power and strength, told him to give in to Snoke's whispering voice, convinced him to betray Luke.
That was a decade ago, maybe more.
"We weren't at our best when we last saw each other," Anakin said, allowing his face to shift back to that of a man. Ben still stood before him, cold lightsaber at his feet, atop the pooled up blanket he dropped in surprise. Anakin sat casually, looking as if this was a common meeting.
"You filled my head with lies," Ben said. "You told me to give in to the Darkness." Anakin showed no reaction. None.
"I can't control my inner balance of Dark and Light, Ben," Anakin said. "I appeared to you as Vader because of what you were feeling."
"Sounds like a half-assed excuse," Ben said, and Anakin smiled. This filled Ben with the overwhelming urge to punch a ghost.
"You really take after your mother," Anakin said. "She said the same thing to me before I tried explaining my imbalance with the Force."
Never in his life could Ben remember Leia speaking to her father. She would speak of him, always with a tone of disgust, anger, bitterness. During the days of Jedi training, Ben remembered his uncle mentioning stories of Jedi past that he learned from his father's ghost. Feeling that this was going to turn into a very long conversation, Ben took a chair opposite Anakin.
"Then explain, and I don't have the patience to sit here all day, grandfather," Ben said.
"You have nowhere to go, and without my help, you'll never find Luke and Rey," Anakin said, and Ben's blood froze in his veins.
Anakin knew where they were. His grandfather could get him there. Anakin was smirking now, evidently aware of Ben's revelation.
Rey and Luke were just within reach. He wouldn't have to hunt the galaxy while hiding form the First Order or live out his years as a hermit. All Anakin had to do was tell him where they were, and he could be there within a few hours.
Anger shot through Ben.
"Where were you when I begged for you to help me when I was on Naboo? I pleaded every night for you to appear to me and guide me, and I was met with silence. I was lost and afraid and you didn't do so much as appear. Where was your help when I needed it most?" Ben spat.
"Allow me to explain myself, and then I will help you. Just know that the time you most needed my help was not then, and it is not now either," Anakin said, and Ben felt that overwhelming urge to fight a ghost rise inside of him again.
Leia didn't speak to Anakin—at least, when Ben was younger, she didn't—and he couldn't blame her. His grandfather's voice held no emotion when he spoke, his face always seemed careless and boyish, he seemed to disregard whomever he spoke to. Ben found this irritating, which made him assume that Leia found it infuriating.
"Explain. I don't want to waste time," Ben growled, and Anakin rolled his eyes.
"You have plenty of time. They aren't going anywhere, and besides, they're a bit busy at the moment," Anakin said.
"How do you know, are you omnipotent?" Ben snarked.
"No, I'm just aware of how hard Jedi training is when you take it seriously," Anakin said, and Ben opened his mouth to protest the jab, but Anakin continued to speak.
"Understand, Ben, that I am not a Jedi. Luke calls me a Jedi, I was trained as a Jedi, and I died a Jedi, but the fact remains that I was born into the Dark side, and that nothing I ever did could pull me back from it.
"I did… awful things in my life. I slaughtered villages, murdered children, brought the galaxy to its knees, and I tortured and harmed my own children," Anakin said.
"But I also did some good deeds. I loved your grandmother; I served as a Jedi for many years, fighting for the Light side of the Force; I sacrificed my life to kill Emperor Palpatine and save my son, which helped bring balance to the Force. Or, at least, I thought it did.
"I live off of the energy that flows through every living being, if the energy is more Dark than Light, it can change who I am. The Skywalker family, the only people I appear to, walks completely on the Light side, but in you were so frightened and angry and wrapped in the Dark side that you inherited from me that I changed and appeared to you as Darth Vader," Anakin said. Ben's head was spinning.
"That is why I didn't appear to you on Naboo. You were filled with such anger and fear that I feared my appearance would cause a shift into Vader once more, and that would have done much more harm than good," Anakin said. Ben squeezed his hands into fists as he recalled the night he destroyed his grandfather's helmet, his screams echoing off the stone walls as he destroyed everything in his chambers. His anger, his fear, his inner conflict tearing him apart.
"Why is this relevant to my finding Luke and Rey?" Ben asked, and Anakin looked away, out of the cockpit's viewing port at Tatooine. Ben couldn't imagine what he felt for the planet— was it hatred, nostalgia, connection, revulsion? Perhaps what Anakin felt for Tatooine was similar to what Ben felt for the Falcon—a sense of home with disgust mingled in.
"You must know, Ben, that I made worse mistakes than you did. I might not have killed my father, but I did kill my wife, my best friend, and dozens of children. I didn't reveal the existence of a new generation of Jedi, but I was instrumental in the plan to ensure there would be no Jedi. I tortured my daughter and disfigured my son. I killed countless people. I am by every definition, a monster.
"And yet, I died a Jedi. I made my choice, and though I was born to be part of the Dark side—because no matter what I did or what I say, I belong there—I walk as close to the Light as I can. And that means you are entirely capable of doing the same," Anakin said, leaning forward. Ben struggled to meet his grandfather's gaze and instead looked at a point on the wall just above his shoulder.
"And what if I'm not meant to walk the Light? What if I'm so far gone that there is no Light left in me?" Ben said, feeling his voice shake. What he had done—everything he had done- was disgusting, heinous, evil.
How could he ever be forgiven?
"There is Light in you, otherwise you wouldn't be able to see in color," Anakin said. "You have a soulmate, Ben, and if you were as far gone in the Dark as you thought, you wouldn't have her. That should tell you enough. And you do need to find her and Luke."
"Then tell me where they are," Ben said, pleading tone returning to his voice. Anakin looked troubled for a second. And that was the face that solidified every story Luke told. That was the face of a Jedi Knight who destroyed ships, fought in the Clone Wars, and nearly became one of the youngest to sit on the Jedi Council had he not pledged his allegiance to the Sith. That was the face of a legend.
"I need… I need to keep my children safe, Ben. I need to keep the galaxy's last hope safe. I believe that you aren't part of the First Order, but I need you to prove to me that you are looking for Luke without any intention from the Dark side," Anakin said. "Just tell me something, anything, to make me believe that you aren't running off to kill your uncle and soulmate, which you begged me to help with so many times. I want to believe you, so make me."
Ben fought to not let anger roll off of him in waves. Was his flight not enough? Was the fact that his grandfather didn't appear as Darth Vader not enough? All of the breakdowns, tantrums, sleepless nights, were they not enough? Everything he had done since escaping Starkiller Base had to do with his being so Light that he saw in color. Because of Rey.
Rey.
"I decided to leave because I felt something happen to Rey," Ben said. "All of the color left my vision, and I thought she was dead, grandfather. I thought I had lost my soulmate, and it felt like everything had collapsed around me, and I couldn't even think anything aside from the fact that she could have been dead, and I decided to leave the moment the colors returned.
"I need to find her. I can't fight it anymore: she is my soulmate, and I need to be with her. I need to know that she is safe. Grandfather, please. Tell me how to find her," Ben said, outright begging. Anakin looked at him, his eyes cool and cutting. Leia's eyes shone the same way, giving the impression that she was always thinking five steps ahead of you.
"They're on Ahch-To," Anakin said. "When you come close to orbit, you'll know where they are on the planet if you search the Force. I will let Leia know that we spoke, but I will not say anything to Luke until after you've arrived."
"Thank you," Ben said, and then added, "Please don't say anything about my having a soulmate."
"Embarrassed?"
"I still need to figure out what to do with myself, and I do not need any other people telling me what to do or feel," Ben said. He couldn't bear to imagine Leia sending him a comm to tell him how great it was that he could see in color, or Luke sitting him down for a man-to-man chat, or even Chewbacca lecturing him on what to do about a soulmate.
Worse, he couldn't even think of Rey finding out. Of everything turning further on its head than it already was. No, he didn't need to have the whole galaxy know that Rey was his soulmate. He told Anakin—and that was enough.
"Suit yourself," Anakin said, shrugging. His voice had fallen flat again. "But as your grandfather, I advise you to tell her in spite of every risk." Ben rolled his eyes at the thought.
"Let me focus on proving to her that I'm not out to kill her, and then I'll worry about the soulmate bond," Ben said. Anakin nodded and looked out onto Tatooine again. Ben studied his profile for a moment, thinking of how this ghost before him was that of the galaxy's hero and villain. Anakin Skywalker knew what it meant to be torn apart from within, and for the first time in over a decade, Ben felt a connection to his family.
"Now, go find those two, and get away from Tatooine. I do truly hate this planet—its people and wastelands and sand. Terrible, terrible place," Anakin said. He smiled at his grandson and allowed himself to fade into the wall until there was no trace of him left.