Hey guys, loved reading your various opinions on our fave, anguish-filled couple. Great that everyone had different views… looks like I'm doing my job!

Oh, and Katjs11 gets a heads-up for this one, for being there to catch me out and overall and doing a fab beta job!

This is a longish one! Enjoy.

Chapter 10

I speak with Edward twice the week that we get back from France. He calls the next morning to check that I've arrived back in one piece and then I call the morning of his big premiere to wish him good luck.

Not that he needs it.

Neither of us talks about France or what happened there or after. I don't get around to apologizing about ending our trip earlier than was planned.

What can I say?

I'm sorry I panicked and I yelled? I felt invaded and wanted to be away from everything that was surrounding me..and I hated everything that being with you meant in that moment?

There doesn't seem to be a right time to say any of those things.

The live coverage of the premiere reveals that the crowds are immense and colorful, filled with screaming women of all ages. Edward lives up to his golden boy reputation, easily captivating the masses. Kate lives up to her professional reputation by getting the press to refrain from asking him any personal questions. I live up to my neglected fiancée reputation by staring forlornly at my phone, day in and day out.

He doesn't call the rest of the week, the one after that, or the next.

I leave him voicemails and he replies once.

I leave him text messages and his responses are short and rushed.

I know he's still alive because he's on TV giving interviews every day.

Sometimes I'm on TV, too. It's normally a raunchy shot of me in my bikini, straddling and throwing my tits in Edwards face like some trashy teen slut. It normally catches me off guard and makes me want to disappear in a hole forever and ever. So I've stopped watching as much TV.

Then there are the copious, impassioned commentators on the internet.

They talk crudely about my body, like its some type of public commodity. They wonder endlessly about the undisclosed details of our relationship, and they comment on my looks in comparison to Edward's. I never win.

I mean, I really don't want to turn into one of those clingy girlfriends that needs constant reassurance. After all, Edward is doing what he was born to do and damn, he isn't taking any half measures. I'm so proud of him, and really, all I want to do is tell him that, but I guess we'd have to actually have a real conversation or something.

I'm not bitter or anything.

A month passes, and then two.

That's when the anger starts to settle in. It burns mercilessly in the pit of my stomach and slowly starts to smother and set a blaze through my entire body.

Why the fuck can't he pick up the damn phone?

I'm his fiancée! The whole fricking world knows now, too, so why the hell am I still not important enough for him to contact?

Selfish, arrogant, jerk.

Is he trying to send me some type of message?

Maybe he's bored of plain, studious Bella. Maybe he's shacked up part-time with a super model that hijacks his phone.

Maybe this, maybe that. The possibilities are endless anguish.

I storm into the Snack Shack on Wednesday evening, substituting my usual light blue checkered work dress for blue jeans and burgundy button down shirt. My friends sit around the booth like they're waiting for me to take their order.

"Rosalie, give me Edward's hotel address," I demand.

I know she went to LA with classmates last week, and there's no way she would have gone without attempting to meet Edward.

Everybody looks up at me.

"Where are you going?" Alice asks.

"One guess," Jasper muses from behind the menu.

"Rose, you met with Edward?" Emmett is curious.

Rosalie looks up from her nails. "We were supposed to meet for a drink when I was in LA, but he couldn't make it in the end." She fiddles with cell phone, searching. "He was hunting for an apartment… here. The Four Seasons, South Deheny Drive. He should still be there unless he's moved into his apartment already."

I turn around.

"Bella!" Alice calls from behind me. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know."

I don't know anything right now.

XXXXX

Three knocks and Edward opens the room of his hotel suite wearing a pink towel around his waist. He blinks and then his face changes into a wide grin. "This is nice," he says, like I'm here for a booty call or something. He wishes.

Ignoring the instantaneous tug in my heart, I brush past him and grab the nearest item on his dresser and fling it across the hotel suite in a wild rage.

"Is this nice?" The aftershave lands with a big clang against the headboard of his bed. "What about this?" I pick up a DVD and throw it across the room like a frisbee and then reach for his shaving foam. It slams against the wall and sprays his bed like a white, frothy curtain.

"What the hell—" Edward starts, walking toward me, having the audacity to look stunned in his pink fucking towel, "—are you doing?"

"You're a liar. A horrible, two-faced, lying, liar!"

"What—"

"You told me you would visit, that it would be like you've never been gone! That you would try… but where the hell are you?" My heart is thrumming so hard in my throat and I think I'm about to pass out from raw emotion.

Understanding dawns on his features as I pick up a shiny shoe from the floor and it lands with a large smack against the wall opposite and skims to the floor.

"Bella –," he grabs the headphones that I'm about to throw.

"You think its okay to ignore me? No phone calls, no communication? Just because I'm not with you, doesn't mean I don't exist!" I flail around trying to grab something, anything.

"Hey, stop!" He grabs my arms, trying to placate me before I break more of his precious possessions.

I can't seem to stop. "A phone call! One call. That's all I've gotten in 2 months!" I hiss into his bewildered face, trying to shake out of his grasp.

Edward doesn't let go.

He shakes me lightly. "Will you stop it? You're acting like a damned child."

I'm reeling from light headedness and fury, but I bite my lip trying to gain some sense of reason.

Breathe.

Bella, breathe.

I know my rational mind is forgotten somewhere in this chaos and hurt. I know somehow I should control myself, but all I feel is a need to lash out. I've been holding this in for so long. I want to make him understand.

I take a deep breath. "It's been two months since France. In a few more months, it'll be a year since you've come to Los Angeles. Do you even understand what it feels like, wondering when you'll call or visit? And you just don't."

"Listen –"

"No, Edward, you listen to me. Above all else we've always been friends, and now I don't even know where my friend is, much less my fiancée! Do you know how idiotic I feel when my friends ask me what you're up to, or when I'll see you next, and I have no clue? God… I'm not sure if you've even tried to see it from my point of view. I'm not even sure if you're able to anymore—"

Edwards eyes flare with annoyance at my diatribe.

"Your point of view, huh? Really Bella? Why don't you stop with the high and mighty and see it from mine? When I'm not on location, I have non-stop interviews, publicity, covers to deal with."

I glare at him, the heat in my belly returning at full force.

He just doesn't get it. He's not even trying.

" I don't care."

I can't listen to his excuses anymore.

I try to struggle out of his grasp. My voice sounds like it's far away in comparison to the rush of heated blood in my ears.

"I'm done with being the patient, forgiving girlfriend on the side! Of being humiliated by you and your stupid PR prerequisites! …And let me go. "

"Of course you don't," he spits. "You don't give a shit that I can barely breathe without someone wanting air-time. Even my god-damn food breaks are scheduled in! So take a step back, princess!"

He suddenly lets me go without warning and I stumble backward in shock at his outburst.

At my outburst.

At everything.

The room is filled with desolate silence. I wrap my arms around myself.

I close my eyes tight.

When did things get this bad? We've had our fair share of arguments, but it's never been this hysterical… I've never felt this much anger toward him. Or this alone.

My voice breaks and I don't sound like myself when I speak. "I never thought it would be this difficult. I never knew … I've always wanted this for you, but not for me, Edward. Not me. I'm on TV and on the internet and I look at magazine stands and there I am, with you touching me and I hate it so much … I…they were meant to be our moments, only between us, but they're not anymore." I hiccough. Somehow, without permission, the whole world has seen what I only wanted to share with Edward.

Something like concern crosses his face. He slowly walks forward, like his annoyance is forgotten.

" I didn't want you to be dragged into this, either. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I can't undo France. I'm sorry I can't."

He's got his arms around me and I'm breathing the soapy smell of his neck. Suddenly, I feel so bad for for acting like I did, because it's just not the way our relationship is, and because he's holding me tightly, and I've missed it, I mumble, "It's not your fault…you didn't know. I shouldn't have let it effect me so much."

He presses a gentle kiss on my temple. "I wish I could protect you from all of this."

I close my eyes, realizing I've started to settle into him. So easy. So right.

"And as for time… I wish there was more of it…"

I open my eyes.

No.

I will not let him con me into believing everything is okay once again.

Lure me into thisfalse contentment when we're together, and then ignore me rest of the time while I wait and hope that I might hear from him.

I will not be that girl.

I move back, gently undoing his arms from around me.

His eyes narrow and he says through clenched teeth. "Seriously?"

"Edward –"

"Be reasonable."

"I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking you this. I know already that your career, your new life is demanding a lot from you, but I need some of your time, too, or else-"

"Or what?" he cuts me off defiantly.

"Or it's over."

I clamp my mouth shut, but not before it slips out.

Oh. Where did that come from?

That wasn't planned.

But as soon as I've said it, I know it's somehow true, concrete, and suddenly my anger turns into something else. Something that wounds deep inside, and is making it harder to breathe.

Am I really ready to leave him over this? End all that we have, all that we've built over the years?

Except… I'm not even sure what we have anymore.

One phone call a month isn't a relationship.

He raises his eyebrows like he doesn't quite believe me. Or that what I've said is too ridiculous to believe.

"Don't be stupid."

"I just…I can't do this." My voice breaks as the pain in my chest increases.

I just can't.

I can't wait around for him anymore.

He looks at me and I look straight back with a question in my eyes. Now is time for truth. The ball is in his court, and I'm terrified at what his answer might be… what it might mean.

He runs his hand through his hair again and again, in classic Edward style, throwing it into chaos. He's out of his comfort zone. He finally speaks.

"You're right."

I blink.

"This can't go on… we can't go on like this. You're right," he says simply.

Oh.

I search his face, not quite sure where he's going with this.

"I'll come with you, Bella," he says firmly. "My schedule is less busy in a couple of days time. I'll cancel the odd engagements spend some time with you, and with Nan, and the others… God knows, I need it too." It's as if he's finally realizing.

I let out a long, shaky breath. I'm not sure if it's from relief, or from the unease that comes from hoping, that this is the truth.

I've waited for this for so long, it feels too good to be true.

I watch him silently, scared that if I make the tiniest move he might change his mind.

He moves toward me and cups my face in his warm, large hands. "Look, I promise I'll make it better. We'll go home. Until then stay here with me. Two days, just us, alone, hanging out. Fixing things."

"I have stuff…classes, shifts, teaching…" I say, but it's not much of a fight.

"Please," he looks down at me, much too long eye lashes and pleading forest eyes."Stay."

I nod briefly and move forward once more, clinging tightly to his warm skin, because I'm suddenly afraid, much too aware of the vast space between us. I don't want to let go.

So I stay.

XXXXX

That night we go out for dinner in some grotto-like, secluded restaurant. It's perfect.

On Thursday Edward takes me to breakfast in Beverly Hills and he gets a phone call.

I spend the afternoon by myself, watching TV and thinking of Edward.

I go shopping wearing huge sun-shades and pretending to be a rich German aristocrat and I think of Edward.

I stand alone in the best shower I have ever stood in and I think of Edward.

I lay in bed that night and re-read his rushed messages and justifications. I feel empty.

I think of Edward when I toss and turn all night. When he finally makes it back at some ungodly hour and lays his hand on my back, I pretend to be asleep, like I haven't thought of him at all.

On Friday I get up, see an explanation note on his side of the bed, and repeat.

The evening of lonely day two in Hollywood I call Alice.

"Bella, are you okay?" she asks as soon as she answers.

"Not really."

"Oh. Do you want me to send Jasper to pick you up?"

"No, I'm waiting for Edward," I reply quietly.

"That's new," she says sardonically.

There's silence as I twirl a strand of hair around my finger.

"I 'm scared."

"Oh sweetie, tell me."

"I don't know if Edward truly feels the same way about me anymore."

Surely if he did, he wouldn't leave me so… alone.

He wouldn't make promises that he had no intention of keeping.

"I haven't seen him since Thursday morning when he practically yelled at the waiter who accidentally brought him the wrong drink."

"Really?"

"Yeah, then he tried compensating by giving him a huge tip."

"That's... nice."

"No Alice, its not. He didn't even apologize. It's not like him."

"So where is he?"

"I don't know. We had this huge argument on Wednesday, but then I stayed because we were supposed to talk, solve stuff and hang. We haven't done any of that, but I'm still here. Why am I still here?"

I ask it like Alice has the answers. I need them, yet there don't seem to be any.

"Gawd," Alice says. "Men are jerks. Edwards a jerk. What a jerk, seriously."

"And every time I'm on the verge of leaving or breaking down, he'll text or call me just in time. It's like he knows when I'm about to lose it completely… I feel like I'm on this constant back and forth yo-yo of wondering, waiting, and anticipation."

And I promised myself I wouldn't let him do this.

Yet here I am all over again.

Jesus, what's my problem?

"I can't believe he's still pulling that shit when you're there!" Alice groans sadly. "This is the guy that used to drive all the way to the other side of town and wait for hours to pick you up from those abusive kids you teach."

"Yeah," I say dimly, somehow all of that seems so long ago. "He was supposed to be back two hours ago so we could go out, but I have no idea where he is."

"Oh. Where are you going?"

"Some bar. It's a co-stars birthday." I'm not even bothering to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"Is it-,"

"No, not Meredith."

Alice sighs.

"He loves you."

I sit up straighter and stare at my newly colored toes. Bright red.

"Why are you defending him? You're supposed to hate him."

"I know. I know but it's the one thing about him that's true."

"Yet you think he's going to hurt me." It comes out almost like a sob.

There's a moment of silence and for a second I think she's gone.

"Oh, sweet-heart, he's doing that already. I just wish I could make the hurting go away. "

I close my eyes tight. I wish she could too.

Alice clears her throat. "But you know Edward. He's probably getting carried away with the popularity, trying too hard to please everyone. I've always said he's too well-liked for his own good. Do you remember how he used to charm all his teachers at school? Then he charmed you, and now he's charming the world. What's next?"

"You?" I joke half-heartedly.

"No, no. I'm the only one that can see through that charm. He can't charm me." She says with conviction.

"Right."

"Maybe he needs some tough love," she says, suddenly all resolute." I'll call him and talk some sense into him. You know, maybe threaten -"

"I don't think that's a god idea," I interrupt quickly.

I can hear Jasper snort distantly from somewhere down the line. "Alice, if you call him up to harass him anymore, he'll file a restraining order."

"No, he won't. I'll kick his ass."

"Am I on speaker phone?" I ask horrified, wondering who else is witness to my heartfelt, inane ramblings about Edward.

"I've wanted to kick Edward's ass for a long time," Alice goes on like she's hasn't heard me. "Since he missed all our meet-ups, and decided to do France without us," she says, the latter part much too pointed for it to be directed at just Edward. "Then he had the nerve to bail on my possible would-be-meeting with Meredith. I mean what the hell! …and yes you're on speaker. "

"Alice –"

"It's only me and Jasper."

"Oh, okay."

"We're in the kitchen making lasagna."

Jaspers coughs loudly and she rephrases. "Jaspers making lasagna, and I'm supervising."

"Right – what's that? "

"Oh that's Mario, my hunky dry cleaning guy. Give me two secs, B. Talk to Jasper."

"Hey, Jasper."

"Hi, Bella. How is the Hollywood high life treating ya?"

I snort. "Blah. I miss home. Hotels okay, though. The showers amazing . I've had the longest showers in the history of the world. I've spent too much time at the pool, and watching trash TV. Contemplated my relationship with my absent boyfriend. Then used his credit card to shop for expensive stuff like a true kept woman. And you know what? It's not my thing."

Jasper chuckles. "So our boy's still AWOL, huh?"

"I can't seem to make him stay." I laugh sourly and try not to concentrate on the way every part of my body is simply exhausted. "You want to know the weird thing? Despite everything, I still love him. I can't stop loving him. I …none of this makes any sense."

"Hmm."

"I feel like such a bitch just… bitching to you guys. Especially when you're all loved-up making lasagna in the kitchen."

"Hmm."

I laugh. "You're a good listener, Jasper."

"I'm dating Alice. I've gotta be. Listen, I'm going to say something, and you better keep your mouth closed." He threatens.

"You have my word." I smile. "I won't tell Alice a thing."

" When things are really shitty with Alice and I, like last week for example,…. and she's fucking doing my head in by disagreeing and being emotional about every single thing, from the socks I wear to those big things like whether I should cut my hair or let it grow out. And I know it's my fault that I was crazy enough to fall in love with this over-emotional, bossy woman, but admittedly, even I wonder if this thing called love… is it enough? It's a choice you gotta make repeatedly."

I bite my lip. "I guess."

"But hey, what the hell do, I know?" He laughs lightly. "Most of the time, I close my eyes and hope for the best….By the way did I tell you I managed to get Tyler's Yank Tank for a bargain like you wouldn't believe. Alice think it looks like someone threw up on it…"

I'm only half listening to the rest of it, because suddenly I'm so tired.

"...Bella?"

"Hey, yeah, im here… listen I gotta go, Jasper. I'll call you guys later."

"Sure. See ya. Say hi to Edward when he decides to check in."

I hang up and fall back onto the bedsheets, closing my eyes. Why does it feel like some big revelation, even though Jasper simply said what I've known all along?

Edward is making his own choices, and I have to make mine.

XXXX

Ahhh… so sad: so is good Jasper right? Love… is it enough?