Mindset

White. No matter where I looked I was sure to see nothing but white. The fluorescent light above my head did nothing to help the ringing in my ears. It flickered every so often and always made my eye twitch right along with it. I hated it.

I've been in here for 72 hours now. Sometimes when I wasn't looking at the door, a tray of food would slip by. I think it was Dean who would always bring it to me but I was never paying attention well enough. So far, I was faring better than others before me who had to suffer through this inhumane method.

I had been leaning against the soft wall next to the door for a while now. My hand ached from beating and screaming for God knows how long. My throat burned and I wasn't sure if my voice would even work anymore.

My eyes finally gave in after hours of fighting sleep. I felt myself slip further into unconsciousness. An image of myself falling into a deep, dark pit surfaced in my mind. I landed harshly on a hardwood floor hen sat up slowly while taking in my surroundings.

I rubbed the back of my head where I landed even though I couldn't feel much of anything. I felt as if I knew where I was. The overbearing feeling of familiarity was seeping further into my mind. "What the?-" I said lowly as I stood to my feet. Home. I was home. At least what home used to be. It was my childhood bedroom in Illinois. My twin bed sat in front of me neatly made. Except something was weird. My adolescent self was sitting on top of it with a book in my lap.

"Hey!" I shouted loudly while I waved my arms wildly. This had to be some kind of mind fuck. Or a dream. Did I fall asleep? I couldn't remember.

My younger self never looked up. Instead, he continued to flip through the textbook. I frowned as I watched him, I mean me, deep in thought. I briefly wondered when this day was as I recalled constantly being in this position alone.

Suddenly, a bang sounded throughout the house. "Naomi! Naomi! Get your ass up!" a shout I remembered all too well resonated to my old room. I watched as my younger self rolled his eyes while brushing off the seriousness of what was about to occur.

More screams and yelling came from the living room until who was once Jimmy pushed himself off the bed to see what was going on. Of course, my younger self thought it was like every other time before. She was just sleeping off a high is what I would tell myself.

I followed the younger boy out into the living room and stood next to myself. The man yelled at me before running out of the house. I frowned when my fifteen year old self walked over to my long dead mother and attempted to shake her awake but it was futile. Eventually, I gave up and sat numbly on the dirty couch. I sat down next to myself while I looked down at my mother's body.

I always tried not to think about this day. It was the worst and the best day of my life although I was always sure I was missing a few details from it. It was as if my brain deleted some of the memories. I did recall sitting here for a few hours in silence so I might as well get comfortable.

I leaned back into the couch then tried to place my hand on the younger me's shoulder but my hand fell right off as if I was transparent. Then I reminded myself that none of this was real either way.

"What am I supposed to do now?" a small voice asked out loud next to me. I furrowed my brow and tilted my head towards myself. I didn't remember talking for a while.

"You move on. This is the chance you've been waiting for," a voice said from across the room. That silky smooth voice rang familiarly through my ears.

My head shot up quickly as I looked across the room. Dean sat in a rickety wooden chair with one leg crossed over the other and an arm draped across the back of it casually. Dean?

I stood up immediately. "What the hell have you done to me?! Why are you here?!" I screamed loudly. I could sense the veins on my neck popping out and heat begin to rise to my face.

Dean ignored me if he had even heard me and continued to look curiously at my younger self. How did I not remember any of this? "What is moving on? My mother is dead. She's all I had left," I spoke sadly from the couch.

Dean shook his head. "No. She's what you were. She was holding you back and keeping you from everything," he said.

Younger me shrugged lightly. "I guess you're right. I just don't know where to start," I said in a shaky breath.

Dean rubbed his chin thoughtfully as a smile played on his lips. "Just what are you?! Leave me alone!" I continued to scream as I neared his smug face.

Deans eyes flickered to mine for half a second before landing on the me on the couch. That bastard. I knew he could see me.

"Grab a shovel and bury her in the backyard. No one will come looking for her. No one will care," he instructed carefully.

My younger self nodded along with his plan as a wide smile spread across my lips. I stood up off the couch and looked down at my deceased mother. "Thank you. How do I ever repay you?" myself asked the mysterious man on the chair.

"Don't worry. We'll see each other soon enough," he said with a sly wink before he stood up.

He walked over to Jimmy and tapped him lightly on the forehead with two fingers. "When you awake in the morning, you will no longer remember me. Get the job done," he spoke sternly.

Jimmy nodded as he swallowed down an uncomfortable lump. "But who are you? How did you get in here?" he questioned, still a bit confused.

Dean shook his head as a gentle smile graced his face. "I'm a friend," he replied before turning his back to Jimmy and walking out of the house.

"Dean! Hey!" I found myself screaming as I ran after him. I pushed the half broken front door open and stopped in my tracks. It was Illinois but it wasn't. A black mass swirled around my front yard and showed no sign of my old neighborhood. It was like my house was floating somewhere in the universe.

I stood in the open doorway with my mouth hanging open. Dean was gone. I had nowhere else to go but back inside the house. It was as if I was a prisoner. But maybe I was just in my own head.

It's ironic, isn't it? I'm a psychologist but yet this man has made me a prisoner in my own mind. I walked back into the house to see that Jimmy was no longer around. But my mother's body was now on the couch. I looked closer and could see how her chest moved up and down with each breath. She was alive!

"How the-" I started to ask until she began moving. I watched with wide eyes as she popped open a pill bottle and shoved most of them into her mouth.

"Mom!" I called out but she couldn't hear me. No one could hear me.

When I realized there was nothing else for me to do, I tore my eyes away from my dying mother and walked into my old bedroom. There I was. Like before. Sitting on my bed and studying the same damn book.

Everything that happened next felt like a blur. It was all too fast for me to process but I still knew what was happening. The man screaming in the living room, my cold stance as I looked down at my deceased mother, the man running out, me sitting down, Dean telling me what to do then finally dragging my mother out the back door.

Then it happened again before I could even think about it. Mom swallowing pills, me studying, a man screaming, indifference towards her death, a savior telling me what to do, taking her away. It happened again and again and again.

I was feeling nauseated. Here was nothing left for me to do but watch on as my nightmare played over and over again. "Stop!" I screamed as loudly as I could while my hands gripped my hair. "Make it stop!" I cried.

Then everything stopped. I looked at the scene before me. Jimmy was sitting on the couch with eyes downcast. Dean sat directly across from my younger self with a satisfied smirk plastered across his face. It was as if they were all frozen. No movement. Only silence.

I fell to my knees and gasped out loud when I saw Dean in a different light. He was brighter now than he was before. He seemed to have a hero complexity about him. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him and thank him over again.

"You saved me," I whispered to him.

Suddenly, his head turned towards me as a smile overtook his face. He stood up and walked at a menacing pace towards me but I didn't feel fear. In fact, it felt comforting to have him come closer.

"I did," he spoke evenly.

"I don't know where I would be if you didn't tell me what to do. Maybe I'd be- I'd be dead," I said with unbelievably wide eyes as every realization hit me like a freight train.

"Maybe," Dean replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He stopped in front of me and held out a hand for me to take.

I looked at it then back up him until he nodded firmly at me. I tightened my lips into a straight line then took his offering hand. He easily pulled me up to my feet then placed a calloused hand on my cheek.

"Remember this. I am the one who saved you from yourself. I protected you from this bad world. You need me now. I'm the only one who can protect you," he said while staring into my eyes.

I nodded along as he spoke. Yes. He's my savior. I owe him my life now. I knew in that moment that I would do anything for this man. It was my turn to protect him and God help anyone who tried to take him away from me.

Dean leaned in closer until I could feel his hot breath on my lips. I closed my eyes when I thought he would kiss me. Instead his mouth moved past my lips and stopped near my ear. "Time to wake up now," he whispered.

I gasped loudly as I sat up quickly. Damn it was bright. Too bright. I held my hand up to the light in an attempt to block it out. White. Everything was white. Still.

"Dean!" I cried out as my fists banged in a futile effort against the wall. Tears were streaming down my face as I realized how alone I was. I just wanted Dean. No. I needed Dean.

"Why are you crying, angel?" a sweet, sultry voice asked from behind me.

My mouth dropped with excitement the instant I recognized that melodic voice. I whipped my head around quickly to see Dean sitting cross legged on the other side of the compacted room.

I crawled to him as fast as I could and threw my arms around him in relief. "You're here. You're really here," I cried with joy. I wasn't alone anymore. Dean was here and he always will be.

"Of course I'm here. Now you see the truth," he purred while a hand rubbed up and down my back.

"I do. I realize everything now. Please don't leave me," I begged into his chest as my tears soaked into his shirt.

"I would never," he promised firmly. He took my shoulders in his hands and pried me off of him gently. Still holding onto my shoulders, he gazed into my eyes to make sure I was paying attention.

"Cas, are you listening?" he asked slowly.

I nodded even though my mind was still feeling a bit hazy. I didn't question how he was here or how he was in my home all those years ago. I only knew that he was my savior and I'd follow him anywhere.

"I need you to do something for me."