A/N: This chapter gave me a lot of hell. I feel like it's inadequate to what I wanted it to be, but at the same time, I'm not exactly sure what to do to fix it anymore. So… perhaps it's at the best it's going to be. I've ranted and complained about this chapter time and again on Tumblr, but I finally got it done in time. So, please be sure to let me know what you think about it!
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story. Except Michael.
Chapter 11: Trepidation
It was always a nerve wracking procedure to go see Near. No matter how many times Mello had gone through this process and followed the same line of steps, it never really got any easier. For as reserved as the younger genius was, his actions were always blatantly obvious to Mello. He felt as though he was the only one who saw the meaning behind Near's actions and the thought process behind it all. Like he was the only one who could tell when Near was going to go from stoic and in control, to stoic and completely losing that secure grip over all his little pawns.
It wasn't something he'd seen very often. Only a very small number of times in the many years he'd known Near. And yet every single time had scared him more than anything he could think of.
How else was one supposed to react to seeing the world's most secure person losing that grasp on all the carefully placed pieces he'd set into motion? It was an unsettling notion to even think about.
The problem with going to see Near was that Mello could never really tell which of Near's moods he was stepping into until he was already stuck within the crossfire of it all. Both of them were too caught
Tonight was no different, either. It could either be a simple meeting in which Mello once again attempted to get his way and was thrown out once Near discovered this. Or it could turn out to be much more complicated. It could be something full of disagreements and the throwing of spiteful words that were better left unsaid. Which even in itself was a tolling task. Only the two successors knew what to really say to get underneath one another's skin, they knew exactly when to throw what words and when silence was the best way to inflict the most damage.
They really did have the most masochistic of relationships… and yet he had a feeling that both of them found enough enjoyment out of it to be unable to break away.
The blonde shuddered at the thought, shaking it away and bringing himself back to the present, attempting to use reality as a way to focus his mind and keep himself set on what it was he was going to Near's for.
This was for Michael. It was all for Michael. It was always for him…
But the more he thought about it, the more the inkling of doubt slipped into the shadows of his thoughts; bringing him back to that place he was at before all of this happened. Four years ago… before Michael. Before his blow up at Near. Before all of this.
It was hard to rest on the thought with the fact that their situation was so different now. Time always had a tendency to ruin the most perfect… no… the most beautiful and comfortable of situations. It was an inevitable fact of life that Mello had had to come to terms with over and over again. Not that that made it any easier.
He looked to Michael, who was sitting on the floor of the apartment at his feet, playing with a few of the toys Mello'd sent Matt out to get a few days ago. The boy was content in his own little world.. But Mello wasn't. He never was.
He'd been staring at security surveillance of Misa Amane for hours now; ever since he and his son had gotten back from their trip to the park. Staring at the screen. Never really watching it. For all he knew, the girl could have killed a hundred people and he would have never known the difference.
Somehow even the idea of Kira seemed second in priorities to the situation with Michael and Near. He hated to admit such a change in his thoughts, though, considering he knew how much hell Near would give him if he were to ever find out. But perhaps it was the silent, back-of-his-mind knowledge that no matter what he did, no matter how hard he tried, Near would always find a way to get to Kira first.
At least that's what history told him would happen…
Looking up he noticed the dark night sky outside the apartment window. He exhaled a heavy breath and stood up. "I'm going." He said bluntly, stepping around Michael, but feeling both his son and Matt's eyes following him.
"Going to Near's?" Matt asked, looking up from his game.
Mello nodded from the small kitchen that was hardly ever used, grabbing a couple bars of chocolate from the fridge. "Might as well… nothing's happening with Amane. I have better chances of getting information over there."
Matt smirked, "Right. Information." He snickered, looking back down at his game before Mello could glare over at him.
Michael clambered up from the floor and ran over to Mello, his large gray eyes staring up at him with that usual twinkle of innocence and delight. "You're going to see my Mama?" He asked happily, bouncing up and down in place.
"Yeah."
"Don't forget to bring me the toy you promised me!"
Mello chuckled, patting the top of Michael's head of soft yellow hair. "Is that all you care about, Michael, is getting one of Near's toys?"
From the other side of the room Matt suddenly laughed, "You're going to get one of Near's toys for him? Yeah right! Good luck. I'll believe it when I see it, Mels! That's a good one."
The elder blonde glared at his childhood friend, but then turned back as Michael responded, "Well… yeah." He said, nervously looking away to the side wall. "My Mama doesn't want to see me anyway, so… I just want my toy! I will be happy with that for now!"
Mello sighed, reaching down and picking Michael up, holding him in his arms. "Don't think like that, alright? Near's going to freely give one of his toys up just for you. I'll make sure of it." He ignored the laughing that started from Matt again, even when Michael's eyes drifted over to the gamer. He carefully brought the boy's chin back to look at him. "You're not old enough yet to understand how much of an honor that is. But it really means a lot. It'll take a lot for him to do that for you. But only you, Michael. Not me. Near could care less about someone like me."
"Why?" Michael asked curiously, reaching up and pulling a bit at Mello's long blonde hair. Not enough to hurt, but almost reminiscent of the way Near twirled his hair. The resemblance was uncanny.
"We fight a lot." Mello said, taking Michael's hand from his hair and lightly kissing the boy's finger tips. A silent way of telling his son how much he was beginning to love seeing all of Near's qualities in him.
"About what?"
"Oh you know, about who loves you more." He said with a grin, letting Michael's small fingers find his hair again.
"You're lying! I know you are!" Michael accused.
"Never!" Mello told him, setting the boy down on the floor again, kneeling down in front of him.
"Be good for Matt, alright? Don't make him too crazy by cheating in his games. And go to bed when he says to. Otherwise I won't let you have the toy Near gives me for you. You have to be good to get it. Understood?" He explained.
Michael nodded, "Yeah…" He said, pursing his lips. "Are you sure I can't go with you, Daddy? Like a surprise?"
Mello could feel his heart clench in his chest and break in half for his son. For a split moment he considered again the idea of just bringing Michael with him without telling Near and seeing what happened. He knew where Near would be. He knew Near trusted him enough to not have security surveillance on the place. He knew he could get away with it…
But a part of him was just too worried about what the reaction from Near would be; he didn't want to risk putting Michael through that. His consideration for Michael greatly outweighed his need to have their son finally meet Near. Not to mention the fact that he didn't want to burn down the bridge of trust between himself and Near.
"Yeah… I'm sure. But, hey, remember what I told you today at the park? It's you and me against everyone else, Michael. We're a team, and we're all we need. If this keeps up, we don't need Near." He offered out his hand to Michael. "Right? You trust me?"
The younger blonde looked between Mello and his hand for a moment before nodding and reaching out to let Mello shake their hands; a large smile spread across the boy's face before he moved forward and hugged Mello around the neck. "Thank you, Daddy." He told him, then pulled back, looking directly in those blue eyes. "Don't fight with my Mama, alright?"
Mello offered a half smile, "I'll try, Michael. But no promises!"
With that he stood up, moving to the door and putting the chocolate bars he'd grabbed before into the pocket of his coat before throwing it on. "I'll be back later tonight." He called to both residents.
"No you won't." Matt called back, earning a glare from Mello as he left out of the apartment into the hallway, exhaling heavily and pushing all his personal feelings to the back of his mind before being able to walk towards the exit of the building. The only way to confront Near was to push everything away and attempt to take everything on based on fact, not feeling. Feelings got in the way and complicated everything…
But it was so much harder when everything was all so closely tied to his heart.
-:-
Getting from the front door up to Near's living quarters was always the worst part. It was those few moments when every second-guessing thought made their way to the forefront of Mello's mind and made him wonder why he was even here.
It was surprise enough to know that Near had actually agreed to this and left the building unlocked for him. In the back of his mind he knew it meant the younger had something on his mind -something driving him to let Mello come back here. It was actions like that which riled his nerves over having no idea what the younger was thinking, or what Near had planned. Especially when he had little to no real plan of action for himself.
He exhaled, closing his eyes a moment as the elevator took him higher and higher in the building, and trying not to let himself get too ahead of himself -trying not to over plan, or over think about what Near might say. Trying not to let his desires get in the way.
The elevator dinged. The doors slid open.
Mello's eyes slid open, meeting the dark and all too familiar hallway. But he couldn't move. He was frozen in place, unable to bring himself to step forward out of the elevator -as if that one single action was simply too definite to make any sort of move. Not with how unsure he was at the moment.
What was he to do? What was he to say? How did he even attempt to try and begin divulging unto Near the things that were suffocating his heart, his mind, and his every breath? Would Near even have the ears to hear him? Of course he would… but would he actually listen to him instead of filing it away as something he could use against the blonde later?
That was a completely different story all together.
As the metal doors began to slide closed once more he reached out and stopped them, forcing them open again and finally taking the step out of the confining space. 'I'm here for Michael… This is for Michael…' was the only way he could drive himself forward without thinking himself a fool for even daring to show his face in this place again.
He knew what was going to happen. He knew what the result was going to be. But he was a masochist at heart, and was always willing to take the risk. As such he allowed himself to push open the door to Near's living quarters.
The area was exactly the way it always had been. Dark. Sterile. Unchanged. Near sat in the exact place he always was... the center of the floor, able to review over everything within the domain; always in complete and total control at all times. Even when all the world was falling apart around them. Mello could hardly breathe… the tension was suffocating.
"Mello."
"Near."
Like clockwork. Like a perfectly synchronized dance, each with their own imperative part. Like a switch -wired to an automatic connection neither of them had any control over.
Mello forced himself to step forward, not wanting to show any sign of intimidation, any wary or trepidation in regard for the situation. 'This is for Michael. Everything is for Michael.' He told himself again -the one thing above all else he could be absolutely sure about, no matter what.
"Why is it you've decided to come here tonight?" Near prompted.
Mello exhaled, letting all his nerves fall away that kept him held back, resigning to stick to that one thing he was sure about and perhaps actually get somewhere with Near this time. Anywhere. He stepped further in the room, moving around and sitting on the edge of the couch, noticing for the first time the carefully constructed tower of cards made up as a wall around Near's entire crouched body.
"You know why." He said simply.
"Yes, you mentioned that on the phone earlier, but you were hardly what I'd call specific about what it was your exact intentions were."
"Do I have to be?"
"Assumptions are never the most reliable things to go off of, Mello, you know that." Near's demeaning tone grinded down Mello's nerves, but he knew that was the point behind it -to get him down to break his resolve and get a flat out answer about his intentions and reasons. "I have a good idea what it is your after. With you it can only be one of two things. After all, what should be your number one priority has slipped down in the ranking."
Blue eyes narrowed on Near's back. "I have my priorities in line."
"Obviously not, Mello. Kira should be number one. You know that."
"No, Near, Michael should come first. He's our son…" The words almost hurt to say. The acknowledgment to his rival that they had actually conceived Michael together. the result of something that should have never really been in the first place. The acknowledgment of the hellish situation they were in, on all levels.
He watched the way Near froze all action, the card held between his fingers coming to a sudden halt; it was an interesting response. "You really don't ever listen, do you, dear Mello?" And thus the beginning of their jabs at one another…
Mello's breath caught and almost instantaneously left his body. Such a romanticism hit him where it hurt -bringing with it every memory from before. Everything they had. Everything that was. Everything that could have been. Everything that wasn't. Everything lost. He couldn't let Near get such a rise out of him, but it was easier said than actually done.
"Neither do you, Near." He stood up from his spot, going around and sitting right in front of Near -gray eyes following him down and never faltering a second. The successors were on equal ground and practically equal terms. Separated only by a low wall of carefully constructed cards.
Near's head cocked to the side, "Enlighten me."
"Michael needs both of us."
"If that's what you came here for then you can leave." Those gray eyes that mirrored Michael's moved back down to the wall, beginning to fortify it again. "I don't want to have this same dull conversation again. Furthermore," He continued, "You said before, back at Wammy's, that we could never work together, Mello. Why should Michael be any different of a scenario? Do you honestly think we could ever really work together just for his sake?" There was that demeaning tone again, but the blonde did everything in his practiced power to not let it get to him. Even so, it was difficult to not lash out.
"He's our blood…" Mello explained. "Does it not occur to you that we somehow made him? I'm not so much proposing we work together as I'm asking you not to just abandon him like he's nothing."
"Kira is first priority."
"That's not good enough, Near!" Mello practically shouted.
"What kind of life will Michael have if Kira isn't taken down, Mello? What do you think would happen to him if Kira won and then found out who Michael was?" Near's eyes bore straight into Mello's soul. "He'd kill him, Mello. That's the kind of existence you're letting him have. That's what you're bringing about by letting your emotions cloud your better judgment."
Mello's fists clenched on his leg. "It doesn't have to be like that, Near." His anger was rising from Near's inability to hear what he was really saying. He was beginning to think it was impossible for Near to see anything past his own ideas.
"I already told you, Mello I don't want-"
"You don't even know him!"
"It doesn't-"
"He doesn't know what to think. About anything!"
"Well, if you stopped-"
"You have given nothing, Near! You have no emotional investment in this! And you just expect the rest of the world to be able to do the same thing!"
Everything went deathly silent after that. Blue eyes met empty gray. Near's head ticked to the side a moment, reading deep into Mello's stone solid face -unwavering in the demands he had for Michael. "I haven't given anything?" Near asked, slow and calm, never breaking eye contact.
Mello glared at him, unfazed. "No, Near. You haven't."
Near watched the elder for another long, drawn out moment before looking down to his wall once more. "Right. Well, be that as it may. I've said it before. I don't want to have this discussion anymore. I don't want to talk about him."
Mello smirked a moment, letting out the breath he didn't know he was holding, he rested on his hand and let the tension of the moment seep away from him and diffuse into the room, "Too bad, because I told Michael I'd bring him back one of your toys for him."
All movement in Near came to a screeching halt again, and Mello could have swore he saw Near's eyes widen for a fraction of a second. "Why would you make such an ignorant promise that you knew you could never live up to?"
"There's nothing saying I can't."
"Well obviously I'm implying it, but perhaps it was a bit too understated for you, dear Mello."
"Near you have this entire complex full of toys. Why can't you spare just one for your son? Are you really going to let him down like that?" Mello questioned.
"It's not me letting him down, Mello. You're the one who made the ridiculous promise to him."
The blonde sighed. "Either you give me one, or I steal one before I leave. Your choice. Besides, why don't you get your damn pawns to buy you another just like it, if it really means that much to you?"
"Why don't you just buy him one if it matters that much?" Near retorted.
"I'm not the one with L's entire fortune behind me."
"Then you should have considered that before you made a promise you couldn't fulfill."
"Near…" Mello sighed. "You're being unreasonable."
"And you're being too emotionally invested again. Some things just can't be helped." Near shot back, never looking at Mello and holding firm to his decision.
"How about this," Mello pushed, earning a small annoyed sigh from Near. "If you give me a toy for our son, I'll stop bringing him up to you." He offered, leaning back with both hands on the floor now.
"I don't think that's possible for you, Mello."
"Well you'll just have to find out, now won't you?"
Near looked up at Mello, meeting his smirking expression, every line in his expression laced with confidence -borderline arrogance, almost. "I'm not making any promises, Mello. Unlike you, I don't make promises I can't live up to. Besides, if you were to promise something like that, then what excuse would you have to come pester me?"
"I don't need an excuse." He leaned forward, feeling himself slipping back into the same mentality he'd had before Michael.
Near looked back at him, their locked gaze saying more than their words ever could. There was just something in their relationship, or something in their long history that made words unneeded and often more cumbersome than anything. They'd spent years memorizing one another's actions, their movements, learning what each action meant underneath it all. And in the end, it was that knowledge that spoke louder and with more power than anything. It was this knowledge of each other that made any progress between them possible.
Near twirled a lock of hair, never breaking eye contact. "I knew that was your real reason." He said, moving their conversation on from Michael to the new topic which always seemed to be underlying everything.
"And?"
"There is no 'and'. You're too lost in your fantasies to be able to distinguish between that and reality. You're playing a dangerous game with yourself, Mello."
"And yet you left the front door of this place open. What does that say about you, Near?"
Near gave a small smirk, "that it proves you're unable to see the reality in any situation."
"You see reality too much."
"There's no such thing."
"Yes there is, and you know it. Reality is such a cruel thing. That's why you leave the door open for me. We both have too much of the thing the other needs most."
"Don't flatter yourself, Mello." Near said, looking down again and continuing to twirl the lock of his snow white hair.
Without a word, Mello leaned forward and touched Near's delicate wall of cards -causing the whole thing to topple over in a heap around the younger genius, who glared over to Mello. A simple action, but the symbolism was blatantly there. Near was always on guard, but for the right people, his guard was nothing more than a simple wall of cards -just waiting for the right movement to bring it down.
"Well?" Mello pushed. "Do we have a deal?" He inched closer to Near.
"No, we never had a deal to begin with because of your inability to follow through with it." Near explained, watching the other carefully while not making any move against him. He exhaled heavily. "This is a dangerous move, dear Mello. You know that." He repeated again.
"Everything is dangerous in some way, Near." Mello said, moving close enough to disrupt the ring of cards around Near -effectively intruding upon the younger's space.
"Not this dangerous." As Mello placed a hand on Near's cool cheek, the younger still made no move against him, or to push him away; their gaze remained locked together. "This is what got us into this position in the first place, Mello."
"Do you trust me?" Mello asked, his tone quiet, as if it would somehow disturb the atmosphere of the room if spoken any louder.
"Must I?"
"Who else would you?"
"Perhaps someone who wasn't the head of the mafia?"
Mello gave him a look, "I'm the truest person you have, Near." He paused, "I'll ask you again." He let the silence suffocate them as he watched Near close his eyes, knowing what was coming. "Do you trust me, Nate?" The words were almost deathly silent, as if speaking too loud would reveal the deadly secret to the rest of the world.
Near gave a small sigh but said nothing in return, silently giving in and in his own way granting Mello his access just by the slightest of action, an action that only Mello could read in him from enough times of experience.
The blonde leaned forward, placing his lips against the skin of Near's cool, immaculate neck. There was a feeling in the back of his mind that said he was unworthy of touching the younger genius -that he was just too perfect for someone like Mello to deserve. And yet here they were. The blonde could hardly believe Near was allowing him to do such a thing again, after all they'd been through. A part of him couldn't help but wonder what the mentality was behind it all, but he decided not to question it. At least not at this second.
He kissed up Near's neck, tracing his jaw line in kisses, letting himself be drifted away by all the converging feelings at once. Near's voice broke through the mist of his smoldering emotions, "Mello… we need to consider the risks behind this." He repeated.
Mello sighed against Near's skin, "Don't kill this for me, Near." He placed another kiss on exposed flesh. "I told you, just trust me. I know what I'm doing." He told him, completely and utterly confident in that moment. There was nothing he knew more about in this world than Near. Nothing he had studied more than his rival's every move, every thought and every reason behind the internal madness. He knew him better than he knew himself -what made him tick, what made him squirm, all the little things that made him worry, all the things that made him feel human.
The small exhale from Near, as well as the turn of his head to give Mello more room was all he needed to tell him that Near was agreeing to give him his trust. It seemed as though no matter what Mello did for or against him, Near was always willing to give the blonde his trust. He couldn't even begin to fathom why that might be as he continued to spread light kisses across the younger's body, deepening this situation into territories they hadn't found themselves in a long time.
It was all new again, but at the same time it was familiar and safe. Mello felt that addicted feeling in his center welling up. Near was his drug, and he couldn't tear himself away no matter how much he may have wanted to. He couldn't help musing to himself that here he was, kissing the neck of arguably the only person he was able to find any solace in for the first time in over four years. It was refreshing, and it wasn't until right at that moment that he recognized just how much he had missed this. No one else felt, or made him feel, the way Near did, and he doubted anyone ever could.
Perhaps, he mused, this was what 'love' felt like, if it actually existed -the ability to find such a feeling of alleviation from the stresses of the rest of the world in one single person. The ability to leave everything else behind just by being in the presence of that other person. The ability to argue, to yell, to positively despise that one person so much that it charred your very soul. But despite it all finding yourself seeking them out time and time again, because it was the only way to feel as though you were with your other half, and completed.
Perhaps this was his actual fantasy all along… Perhaps this is what he really wanted and needed, above all else.
-:-
Words couldn't begin to describe how awkward Near was constantly feeling. It was difficult for him to try and maintain the same sort of authoritative status over his SPK team while knowing in the back of his mind the situation he was fighting behind it all.
He could barely even let himself think on it for too long before getting sick to his stomach and having to fix his thoughts on something else. The thought of how he could have possibly let something like this happen plagued him constantly. He had been careless, and foolish and as a result, now he was put in this precarious situation.
It'd been about a month since he'd gotten the positive results back; confirming that he was indeed pregnant. That his parents sick homebrew experiment had somehow actually been a true success.
'They would be so proud…' he couldn't help thinking sarcastically to himself as he and Rester walked through the large SPK building, towards the room devoted specifically for this issue. He could feel that sick churning sensation swelling up in his mid-section again just thinking about it all.
Everything was still up in the air, and he hated having it that way. Whether or not this was even going to hold for a full forty weeks. What he was going to do about the other SPK members, or whether he even was going to tell them anything. Was he going to tell Mello? Was he even going to try and go through with it?
He'd already told Rester the situation. Well… the bare minimum of the situation. He'd had no other choice, he needed a connection to the outside world, to orchestrate the commands Near gave him. His second in command was confused, as anyone rightfully would be. But Near hadn't given him the opportunity to ask questions, and wasn't about to start. Rester was to follow orders and get him who and what he needed. That was all. The only one Near deemed worthy of knowing any other detail regarding this situation was the specialist he'd had flown in.
He suddenly felt Rester's eyes trailing down to him as they walked. "Yes, commander Rester?" He asked without looking to meet his gaze.
The older man fumbled a bit, "Uh… well… sir. I can't help but wondering what's going to happen now." It was a smart question to pose, considering the spectrum of things that were otherwise off limits to him. Even Near could hear how he was trying to get as many answers as he possibly could without pushing too far.
Near gave a small shrug, "It's hard to say. There are a lot of variables right now." They stopped in front of the door to the office that'd been set up for this specific purpose. "When I know anything, you'll be the first to know, of course. But right now that's all I can tell you." He said, in his own way ordering him to stay here while he went and tried to get this sorted out.
Rester merely nodded in response.
Near exhaled a heavy breath and entered into the large room. It'd been set up with a large wood desk at the side, which was currently scattered with papers from an open file, and an examining table with all the necessary equipment needed hooked up on a side wall. Near swallowed, looking around at it all for the first time. All of it was a hard hit to bringing it into reality for him. There was no denying it… the only thing left was to get his questions answered.
Seated at the desk at the side was the doctor Near had instructed to be brought in to handle this situation -his name was Dr. Smith, and he was supposedly one of the best obstetricians in the country. Dark brown eyes looked up from behind a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, taking notice of Near before standing.
"Near, I presume. It's good to finally meet." He said, his voice calm, but dripping with an irresistible urge to get down to business and inspect him -the scientific side of him wanting all the answers he could get from examining Near.
Near nodded, twirling a lock of white hair, "Likewise. I'm sure you've been briefed on the situation based on the file that I've compiled for you, there." He motioned to the open papers on the desk. "So we can get straight down to business. I have a few questions I would like answered, if you don't mind."
The doctor nodded, walking around the desk and leaning on edge of it, crossing his arms. "Yes, thank you." He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, but kept his eyes locked on Near. "Then shall we begin?"
Again Near nodded, feeling his nerves beginning to rise to the surface.
"If you could, please remove your shirt for me." Dr. Smith instructed, going to get one of the necessary machines to begin. This was just supposed to be a check. Just to check to determine what the situation was within Near and where they were going from there. Regardless, Near couldn't help feeling completely on end about it all.
But he did as instructed, swallowing down all his pride and unbuttoning his shirt -trying to convince himself that this wasn't to check the status of a living being inside him. He tried telling himself that this instead was just a wellness check, like the ones they did every year at the orphanage. Just another standard protocol…
Without a word, and without looking down at the small swell he knew was already present in his belly, he went over to the table, laying down on his back, staring straight at the ceiling.
"Do you have any idea how far along you are?" The doctor asked, suddenly next to him, his pressing eyes scanning over Near's body.
"Considering the abnormality of the situation, it's nearly impossible to be completely sure. My rough estimate would be anywhere from eight to ten weeks. No, it's probably closer to ten. But, I'm only about twenty percent sure." He could tell he was rambling as a side effect of nerves, but he attempted to hold it down and remain objective.
"Right… well… we'll try to get a look and see what we can see. That'll give us a pretty good indication for sure." The doctor explained, turning on his machine and spreading around a cool gel onto Near's stomach.
The genius swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to will himself away from this situation. He forced his thoughts to take him elsewhere; bringing him to the only other thing that mattered right now. Kira. He began going over suspects in his head, looking at motives, playing out the previous murders, and reviewing over what little evidence was left from the original L's investigation into the case.
But then everything fell away when the sound of a rhythmic, continuous whirling sound met his ears. His mind was left completely blank and utterly silent to everything else. In that moment there was nothing that could tear him away from that sound.
The baby's heartbeat.
In that moment there was the definitive proof. The living evidence behind everything -the success of his parent's experiment, the proof of everything he and Mello had done, the reality of how careless he had been. The reality that it was now on his shoulders to play God for this living being.
Everything collided within him at once. A single tear slid from his shut eyes down into his hair. He took a deep breath as the sound continued to reverberate over and over in his ears.
Near had been forced to deal with a lot in his life already, but the weight of all of this suddenly seemed too much for him to handle. He suddenly felt as though the world was crushing him down underneath the pressure. What was he supposed to do? For the first time in a long time, he was left with no answers in his reachable sight, and no one to turn to. For the first time, he felt utterly alone in the world.
"It seems you were right." The doctor's voice cut through. "The baby only seems to be at about ten weeks along." There was a brief pause, "Do you want to see?"
"No."
Another pause, and Near could feel the doctor's eyes on him, evaluating his reaction.
"I only need the bare necessities. Nothing more than that." He couldn't let himself get attached. Not to this child. Not to anything. There were too many factors and too many variables to even begin to think that a connection was in any way a good idea.
"Well honestly, there's nothing more we can really do right now." Dr. Smith told him, taking the Doppler machine away from his stomach and leaving the room in a familiar silence that Near was thankful for. He sat up, taking offered napkins from the elder man and wiping the gel off his mid-section, avoiding all eye contact. "You'll have to continue to come back, though, Near. At least once a week. Just to make sure everything is going well and the child is developing okay."
Near grabbed his shirt, beginning to put it on. "In your honest opinion," He began, "What's the likelihood that this will be successful?" He questioned.
Dr. Smith watched him closely, pushing his glasses up once more as he pondered the question. "Well, it's hard to tell. We don't really know what it looks like in there, what your body is capable of doing and what is hooked up to where. Because I have none of that information, I can't really definitively say." He answered honestly. "But if we're to take the fact that you actually are pregnant as any indication, I would say you have a very high chance."
"And what's the possibility of terminating this situation?"
The doctor hesitated to answer, locking his gaze on Near. "Well… again it's difficult to say. It could honestly be detrimental to your health to try. But it could also be detrimental to deliver the child regardless of how long you carry."
"And I suppose asking whether or not you'd be able to reverse all of the transplants done in me would result in the same answer."
He nodded, "Yes. Even that could be detrimental. Your body has had a long time to get used to all the changes, and trying to do something so radical with absolutely nothing telling us what's where and how it's all working could be worse than just leaving everything the way it is now."
"So what you're saying is you don't know anything at all." Near spat, annoyed, as he looked over at him, finishing up his shirt buttons.
He watched the man's jaw lock, "I can only know as much as what the machine tells me. Again, this isn't exactly under normal circumstances." He explained. "But… I will tell you, we can either terminate this pregnancy or you can attempt to carry to term. It's your choice either way. But you'll need to decide fast, because I can only perform an abortion up to thirteen weeks along."
"Understood." Near said, getting up and moving to exit from the room. "I'll give you my decision by that time."
Rester was still waiting by the door when he walked out. "Well, sir?" He asked, "How did it go?"
"I need to make a phone call."
An hour later, the late afternoon sky was slowly starting to turn into evening -casting the sky in different hues of deep blues, reds and oranges. While perhaps there was an artist out there capturing the beautiful color in some medium of art, deep within the SPK building, Near was unable to see past the glass walls he was confined behind.
The earlier meeting with his doctor had rattled him from the inside out in a way he'd never felt before. His whole world felt utterly and completely upside down and backwards all at the same time. He was lost within the maelstrom of conflicting uncertainties of his life.
Even now, despite it all, he could feel the presence of their mistake within him. No matter how much he tried to push it away, he could unconsciously feel it there, a sensation of something constantly moving within him. Just the thought made him sick, and he tried to pull himself from it.
The turning of the door handle behind him was what drew him out of his thoughts. Instinctively it pushed all of that out of the forefront of his thoughts. He had a façade to maintain, after all.
"Mello."
"Near."
That familiar voice cut through the tense air, causing Near to let a small smile pass as he twirled a lock of hair. He hadn't seen Mello in a month. Ever since he found out about this situation, he'd refused to let the blonde visit. It was just better that way. Honestly, though, he could barely put his finger on what it was that had driven him to have Mello over now. Whether it was to have a sense of familiarity again, or if it was needing to be forced into a situation of deciding what exactly he was going to do about Mello's involvement in the situation.
It was imperative for him to decide what he was going to do. Was he going to tell Mello? Was he going to bring him into this and explain everything that was happening and why it was happening? Was it right to involve him? The normal social convention dictated that of course it was right to involve him… but this was Mello he was dealing with, and there was no way Mello would ever be able to see anything from his side.
But maybe it wasn't the blonde's opinion he was after by calling him here… Perhaps it was just the simplicity of needing that familiarity of a rivalry, or whatever it was they had now, to help him decide all of this.
"What's been going on, Near?" Mello asked, the clicking of his shoes against the slick floor indicating that he was coming closer. "It's been a while."
"Yes, it has…" He answered. "Some things have come up, so it was hard to find time to accommodate you." It was as close as he could get to telling him the truth, and at the same time feeling his natural way of behaving returning. At that moment he felt completely justified in bringing Mello here. Even if it was just to use him as a way of letting his own frustrations out.
He could practically see Mello's fists clenching. "You could have at least told me that, Near."
"I was sure that it went without saying when I didn't answer your phone calls." He retorted easily.
"Did you just bring me here to make a damn fool out of me?" His voice was tense and strained, holding all his frustration and anger back. Near had to admit, the blonde was doing better at maintaining his temperament. Unfortunately, the younger could feel his natural urge to push Mello and find out just how far Mello's ability to deal with him really went.
However, giving his current situation, he decided against it.
"No, of course not, Mello."
"Then why?"
A silence fell over the room, Mello waiting for his answer and Near unable to give him one. Even he wasn't positive why he had brought him here. Part of him wanted to tell the blonde what was happening, another part just wanted some normalcy in his life again, while still yet another just wanted to have someone around for a while that wasn't expecting the world of him.
Mello stepped forward in front of him and sat down, blocking Near's view of the outside scenery of the city slowly descending into night, the blonde's crystal eyes locked on the younger's gray ones, searching him for the unspoken answer.
Then, as if Near had been yelling it with just his look all along, the blonde heard it and his features contorted into confusion. "What?" He asked, genuinely concerned. "What is it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." He bluffed.
"The hell you do. Tell me what's going on." Mello was staring straight through Near, and in all honesty, the new L felt he should have known Mello would. He may have only been second best at Wammy's, but he wasn't inobservant by any sense of the word. In the end, they each knew each other better than that. Even someone as stone-faced as Near couldn't hide much from his rival.
Or perhaps it was just that he didn't want to hide it from him anymore…
"There's no-"
"Near." Mello's voice cut through his lie, and he inched forward, staring straight into empty gray eyes, "What's going on?"
Those empty orbs stared back at him, watching the way Mello was genuinely trying to see past the front he was putting up to block it all out. He exhaled slowly, calmly, desperate to maintain his bravado. 'What am I going to do, Mello?' He asked mentally. 'What am I supposed to do?'
"Tell me!"
'What am I supposed to do!' He screamed inside his head as if the increased volume would somehow translate over to Mello without him having to put it into words. 'What's the right thing to do? What would you have me do?'
He watched Mello swallow back all his frustration, close his eyes for a moment to calm himself, then retry. "You can't lie to me. I know you better than that. I see straight through you. Tell me what's going on. You can trust me." His voice was quieter, somber and genuinely sincere.
Near inhaled a moment, seeing all the passion behind Mello's crystal eyes. He remembered the way they used to look when they were kids, back before the competition for L meant anything to either of them; when they were allowed to just be kids. He remembered the way Mello used to run around, happy and without a care. He remembered how hard Mello chased after his innocence, even after they were deemed old enough to start chasing after the title of L. From those moments on they were constantly in a race against each other. Who would get there first? And yet somehow unconsciously supporting one another at the same time.
The perfect team…
As he stared straight into Mello's concerned eyes, he decided. 'I'll do this…' He told himself definitely. 'I'll keep this mistake. That's what you'd want, Mello. You'd want this to happen, no matter what. You'd want this to have a shot, despite how reckless it is. You'd want to break our cycle. So, perhaps for you alone…' His thoughts suddenly changed. 'No. Not just for you. This could work. For the sake of the world. We destroyed any opportunity to be the perfect team under the title of L. But… maybe this mistake could prove to be what Wammy's wanted us to be. We could finally be everything everyone wanted us to be.'
Near exhaled, feeling a sense of relief wash over him, even if it was for only a moment -the reality of having to carry around the proof of his recklessness seeping back into his mind. He then shook his head. "It's nothing that concerns you, Mello. Kira is a difficult criminal to pinpoint exactly." He covered.
The answer was acceptable to the blonde, as his look of concern dropped. "Well, of course he is." He said, "don't bother, though. I'll have him found in a matter of days!"
Near couldn't help the small smirk, "right… of course you will."
-:-
Gray eyes slid open, meeting the dawn of morning outside the large windows of the SPK building. He exhaled, letting that memory slowly slide back into the recesses of his mind. He tried not to dwell on thoughts from that time any longer than he had to, but it was difficult to when Mello was constantly throwing it in his face with reckless abandon.
Though, Near knew he couldn't completely blame Mello for his ignorance. It was in his nature to throw around things he didn't completely understand.
He looked beside him, to the other side of his bed, finding Mello still sleeping there. He knew he'd have to wake him up soon so he could leave before any of the SPK members arrived for their day of work. He didn't even want to begin to think of what he might say if any of them ran into the blonde mafia boss.
Near turned to him for a moment, observing how peaceful his face was when he slept. He couldn't help wondering if Mello always looked that at ease when he slept, or if it was just something saved especially for when he was here. It was quite the vain thought, but Mello had hardly given him reason to think otherwise.
He reached out, carefully twirling a lock of Mello's silky blonde hair between his fingers, relishing in the feeling of it for just a moment before letting it fall back into place -not wanting to wake the elder successor before absolutely necessary.
'Perhaps I give him too much leeway…' Near couldn't help thinking to himself. 'His emotions cloud over the true perspective of our situation. I hardly doubt he has any distinction between what's in his head and what's actually happening. Though… perhaps it's better for him that way.' As he got out of bed and dressed himself, he had to admit that he couldn't imagine Mello any other way than lost in his feelings and emotions.
He exited the bedroom, back out into the empty living space, feeling a chill run over him at how dead the whole space felt. Not that it was unwarranted. The only time he ever used the space anymore was when he was waiting for Mello to arrive.
That being said, the same wasn't true during the few months that he was locked in these rooms -completely separated from his investigation, separated from all his SPK members, utterly away from everything and everyone. The months where he showed too much while pregnant with Michael, all the way up till after he had delivered him.
Those terribly secluded months where it was only him and his unborn child trapped in a single area. It had been a constant and nearly impossible task for him to keep on track with the investigation and at the same time try to be unaffected by the feeling of Michael moving inside of him, and keeping himself from getting attached to the child. It was something that even to this day he had an internal battle over whether or not he had actually succeeded at his goal.
He couldn't help but sigh, looking out onto the city that was just starting to wake up and come alive. 'What kind of life is Michael living in, now?' He shook the thought out of his head almost as quickly as it appeared. 'He was better off at Wammy's.' But as he looked back at the door to the bedroom, he couldn't help wonder if he could really blame Mello for taking him out of there. Sure, the place was the only realistic place to raise him so he had any shot of being his successor, but even Near knew what that kind of pressure put on someone.
'How is his childhood different now, though, with Mello?' His thoughts wondered again. He instantly shook them off with a sigh, practically hating himself for letting it slip into his thoughts. But even so, it felt like an impossible task that he couldn't help brooding over. And even if it wasn't about Michael specifically, it was over where their child was at. What did he have to do? What did he spend his time doing? Did Mello take him out? The thoughts were clouding his judgment. At least at Wammy's Near could be sure he was safe, taken care of properly and constantly mentally stimulated in preparation for a future he was destined to do.
Mello obviously could only do so much for Michael, given his limited ability to move or gain access to the necessary things to help their son. He grit his teeth, unsatisfied with the situation but deciding it was his duty to fix Mello's mistake. He couldn't help wishing that was the first time he'd had thought.
He went over to a side closet, opening the door and revealing all the toys he'd stashed there from the time when he lived here nearly twenty-four seven. There was everything from dice, to robots, to toy rockets and boxes of models he'd yet to put together. Each one had their own memory associated with them, which made this task even harder.
'What am I doing? This isn't my responsibility. Mello brought this on himself, he should be the one to fix it.' He wondered as he looked around the closet, getting an empty box from the side and putting it in front of him. He swallowed, 'I'm simply stimulating his imagination. Every good detective needs a good sense of imagination and creativity.' He justified to himself.
'But with what? Well… what does he see all day? What does he do all day?' He looked around, finally spotting something that might work. 'He sees cars all day, I'm sure. This is New York, after all.' He grabbed a toy car from the shelf, putting it gently in the box. 'But this is New York. One car is an unrealistic notion.' He began placing a few more of the cars into the box. 'But where will the cars drive? Driving anywhere is just total anarchy.' He put in a set of toy tracks. 'But it's not just cars he sees… there are buildings! And people!'
An hour later, a groggy and shirtless Mello stepped out of the bedroom, stretching out his tired limbs above his head. "What time is it?" He asked, looking over to Near who was messing with a robot in the center of the room.
"About seven in the morning. You should go before my taskforce finds you here. I'm sure you know how to get out the back." He explained without looking at the blonde.
"Yeah… I've been here enough times." He said, sighing and beginning to slip his vest on again, wondering to himself, for what had to be the hundredth time, if this was the last time Near would want him to come over.
"Don't forget your box."
"Hm? What box?" But just as he asked it, Mello's sharp eyes caught the sight of a box sitting by the front door, filled past the rim with toys of all different shapes, sizes, and designs. He couldn't help a small smile, "you know, Near, there may be hope for you yet." He commented.
And although Near refused to answer him, his pride too high to admit what he'd done for the son he said he didn't care for, Mello knew he had seen past it. He had somehow inadvertently reached a sort of turning point with the new L in regard to their son. It would certainly be interesting to see what would happen between them from here.
A/N: Well… that was interesting. I'm really interested to hear what you have to say about this. I went through a range of emotions while writing this. From loving, to hating, to awkwardness, to pure rage. So, leave me your thoughts, whatever they are! I tried to keep everything as in character as possible, but maybe a bit of OOC slipped in. I'm not sure anymore. Also, don't expect chapters to be this length from now on! I started writing the flashback, and when I realized I wanted the last part of this chapter, I knew I couldn't separate it into two chapters or it wouldn't sound right. Hence extra super long chapter. But, yeah… Even I will be interested to see where all of this goes in the next chapter!
Please review
-Forbiddensoul562