Chapter 11
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
- "How to Save a Life," The Fray
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Kyouya flipped open his phone and put it to his ear. "Ootori Kyouya."
"Hey, senpai."
Had he not been so solid, he would have nearly fallen out of his chair. Lately he hadn't been so sure of himself, but the voice on the other end of the line was even harder to believe than normal. "...Kaoru?"
There was a laugh, shallow and repressed. "Didn't expect to hear from me again, did you?" Without waiting for the obvious answer to the rhetorical question, he continued. "Me neither. But I felt that you should know that I'm still alive, so that when I die you'll know when it happened."
He furrowed his brows. "Are you planning on it happening soon?" He could almost feel Kaoru smiling ironically to himself.
"With cancer, you never know." Biting his lip, he waited patiently for the eventual, detached response.
"What kind?"
"Kidney."
"Both of them?"
"Yeah."
"Has it metastasized?"
"Not yet."
"Then—"
"Don't say it. You know I could never do that to him. Cancer's genetic."
"Not entirely."
"I'm on the donor list," Kaoru insisted without denying the other's point.
Knowing it was useless to repeat it, Kyouya exhaled a long breath. "Still... Just know that I don't approve."
"I didn't think you would. On the other hand, I'd expect that you would understand my reasons, as stupid as you might think they are."
It was a long time before he responded again, scrolling meaninglessly through his latest paper on German history. "In that case, I wish you the best with the treatment as it stands. What are they using?"
"Aldesleukin immunotherapy. The doctors say it has a history of being pretty successful, especially in patients like me who don't have other health problems. It makes me tired a lot of the time, though, and I'm supposed to stay relaxed and away from 'sudden stimulation.'"
"I'd have to agree. Stress would only worsen your condition." He could practically hear Kaoru wrinkle his nose in irritation.
"I know, but it's boring, and it's hard keeping up with class when Börje doesn't let me go if I'm feeling even the least bit sick."
Kyouya had to laugh a little at this; Kaoru seemed to simply attract overprotective companions. "Where are you going to school?" he asked, inferring the nature of this new Börje character from the context.
"Konstfack." He didn't need to list the entire name; Kyouya recognized it as possibly the most prestigious art school in all of Scandinavia. At the same time, he couldn't help but feel relief that Kaoru was willing to reveal – if implicitly so – his current location. "What about you? You'd be in your senior year now, right, Kyouya-senpai?" Kaoru continued before the other end of the line could, realizing that for the first time in the entire conversation he had been the one to pose the query.
"Of course. University of Tokyo. Tamaki's here as well."
"That's good. I'm glad you two are still together." A sound like a door sliding open interrupted his end before Kyouya could comment on the word choice. Kaoru said something in a language that the Ootori did not understand but could only assume to be Swedish before returning with, "Sorry, I have to go."
"Oh? Is Börje there?"
"Yeah. You might be able to talk to him sometime, actually – like most Swedes, he speaks English," he added off-handedly.
"That might be helpful. Am I correct in assuming that the entirety of this conversation is to be kept secret?"
"Yeah." The regretful tone, while indicating that Kaoru realized the implications of his decisions, did nothing for the mood. "Would it be all right if I called you again later?"
"I would recommend it, in fact." They said their "talk-to-you-later"s and hung up the phones. It was only then that Kyouya glanced at the clock and it occurred to him why Kaoru's friend had taken him away – it was only 9:16 AM, and Stockholm was eight hours behind Japan.
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Hikaru was once again left to grope aimlessly at the sheets in search of the figure of his brother that should have been lying next to him. Even half-asleep, his eyes narrowed in irritation as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. After turning on the beside lamp, he gave them a minute to adjust to the change in lighting. A cursory glance around the room confirmed Kaoru's absence. Sliding over to the foot of the bed, he had resigned himself to waiting as patiently as he could for the other's return when, out of the corner of his eye, a flash of plastic buried in Kaoru's open suitcase caught his attention. With a cautious glance at the door as if it could open at any moment, Hikaru reached over and pulled the culprit from beneath its blanket of folded clothes.
A moment later, his brow twisted at the two prescription bottles in his grasp. Then, having not recognized the names of the drugs contained within, he quickly whipped out a laptop from his own bag and booted it up. As soon as he was technologically able, Hikaru performed a Internet search for the mysterious items in question.
The first was ultimately confusing, if not particularly worrisome. Usually one heard of medicine being prescribed for high blood pressure, not low, but – as Hikaru thought – perhaps the climate in Stockholm to which they were not acclimated might play a role in rendering such intervention necessary.
The second, however, brought Hikaru's knuckles to turn white, clamped around the bottle and the edge of his computer. Again and again the word antidepressant floated off the web page. Over and over half of his mind tried desperately to assure himself that Kaoru couldn't be depressed – had no reason to be, did not appear to be – while the other half incessantly reminded himself of his mother's own suggestion of the same of him and his own vehement denial thereof.
Approaching footsteps halted any further, immediate contemplation on the subject, forcing Hikaru to quickly shove the items he had removed back into their respective places and adopt the best pitiful pose he could manage. When Kaoru opened the door, he was greeted with the sullen face of his twin as he perched on the edge of the bed.
"Oh, did I wake you?" the younger asked innocently. "I'm sorry, Hikaru – I didn't mean to."
"Then don't leave," the older returned. When Kaoru didn't reply, he concluded it must've come out icier than he meant it to. "Where did you go this time?"
"Just up to the roof deck with Kyouya." After sliding off his sweater, he shoved it back in his suitcase and closed the lid. Fortunately for Hikaru, he appeared not to have noticed anything awry. Climbing back into bed, he gently dragged a reluctant Hikaru along with him under the covers. "Nothing's wrong. I just needed some fresh air."
"And you needed to go with Kyouya?"
Kaoru shrugged. "He was still awake. I didn't want to wake you."
"Well, I'll wake up anyway if you're not there, so next time wake me up first."
"All right." Once he brought forth the small smile Hikaru had been hoping for, its image became reflected in the mirror as well. On the other hand, the two did not drift simultaneously off to sleep. Instead, Hikaru waited until Kaoru's eyes closed and his breathing steadied before gently, cautiously pushing back the sleeves of his twin's pajama top. With one glance at the smooth skin, pale yet unmarred by horizontal scars, he breathed a sigh of great relief. Once again the smile returned to his face as he pulled back the cloth. Now, he could sleep peacefully.
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"Are you cold?" was the first question Kyouya asked him the next time he called before the other could even get a word in.
Kaoru laughed and replied, "Of course not – it's the middle of the day, now. In fact, it's a very nice day out. Stockholm's a beautiful place in the summer; you should come see it some time."
"I wish I could."
"Eh? Has our lord become that possessive so that he won't even let you out of the house?" Most of him wanted to convince himself that Kyouya had to be joking, but there was something else in that tone... something regretful.
He chuckled wryly. "It's gotten to the point where I hardly ever let myself out of the house."
Kaoru froze at this point. Okay, there had to be something wrong. "What do you mean by that?"
A brief pause seemed to take forever. "I'm going blind." And yet the tone was matter-of-fact as usual. The line went silent for quite a while, and even then choking sobs came before more voices.
"I-I'm sorry, Kyouya-senpai... Why didn't you mention it earlier?"
He would've smiled comfortingly if he could. "I'll manage. Besides, you should be taking care of yourself right now, not worrying about others."
"H-How?"
"How are you to take care of yourself, or how I am going blind?"
"Both."
"A rare case of retinitis pigmentosa, for the latter. However"—He chuckled dryly.—"I can't answer the first question myself."
"I'm sure the Lord does the best that he can, whether or not he's always helpful."
"Indeed, but I can't rely on him forever."
At first, Kaoru's mouth opened and closed with no words emerging therefrom, concerned for the plausible implications of the other's statement. After a moment, he tried once more to placate the issue. "I know you don't want to, but I'm sure he doesn't mind," he would offer over and over again. Unfortunately, their debates only got deeper from there on out.