another spill canvas song...they always seem to fit. enjoy!
Chapter Eleven : all over you
Spencer was supposed to meet Ashley for lunch on Wednesday, with Kyla and Madison and some guy named Brad, but Wednesday was the day after Tuesday, and Tuesday was the day of the morning when she had lost her mind. And because she was prone to losing her mind when Ashley was around, she was pretty sure she was going to skip the lunch and maybe all the lunches afterward and maybe even skip out of this city. She knew that sometimes it was easier to speak with your body and just ignore the words, but it never worked out well. It ended up with Spencer locked in the bathroom, standing under the shower until all her skin was prune-y and she couldn't feel Aiden's hands on her. She had given up on trying to forget Ashley's hands because they were softer and seemed to burn deeper though they stroked so much lighter.
She didn't think she'd ever felt quite that pleasantly filthy.
But when she finally stepped out of the shower she found herself sliding into a skirt and lacy top, snatching her purse from the bed and revving the engine in her mother's new car. Her mind was back in the shower, but when she was in the shower her mind had been back in the car ride home, and when she was in the car ride home her mind had been back in Ashle's bedroom under sweaty sheets; so her mind was still back in Ashley's bedroom and she could still feel those soft sheets. When she pulled up to the resturaunt her mind was still there so when Ashley stepped out of the car in front of her, Spencer felt a blush creeping up her cheeks.
She slid in behind Ashley and took the piece of paper the valet offered, then followed the girl inside.
"Hey, Ashley." She called after her, still feeling that blush, though her mind was coming back to the now and out of the bedroom. She was just a girl falling hopelessly and pointlessly, and probably painfully. When Ashley saw her she smiled and Spencer could see the nervousness in it. The brunette stopped where she was and started back to Spencer like she couldn't help but come nearer.
"Hey Spencer. How are you doing?" There were countless levels to that question, but Spencer just answered the first thing that came to her mind.
"Ok. I'm doing ok. Kind of out of it." She smiled softly. Ashley still relaxed her and made her feel like she could tell her truths, though maybe she should stop letting the other girl in so easily. "What about you?" Ashley, her eyes connecting with Spencer's for the first time, smiled softly. She smiled with her mouth and her eyes and it made Spencer warmer than it should have.
"I'm doing ok, too." That was when the blonde-haired, deeply tan, energized guy came up beside her and wrapped his arm oh-so casually around her shoulders. Something inside Ashley tightened and she mentally took a deep breath because this lunch was going to be painful. "This is Paul."
The introduction wasn't really needed because the second Spencer saw that casual arm she knew who the guy was. He was all smiles and confidence, all fake and salesman, and he looked like he would have bought that rock that Ashley slid onto her finger every morning. The one she had discarded so quickly to the floor the morning before, like it was nothing but a burden. But Spencer tried not to read into actions so instinctive as that. Instead, she plastered one of her Paula smiles onto her face and stretched out her hand.
"Hi Paul, I'm Spencer." She grinned and shook his hand. She felt like she should say something like 'your wife has told me so much about you'; or 'it's so good to finally meet you', but neither of those was anywhere near the truth so Spencer just smiled and shook. "It's nice to meet you." She finally lied, because an awkward silence was bearing down on them.
"You too." Paul returned, and stepped back. "Ashley's told me so much about you." He glanced over at his fiancee and Spencer could see pride and love and other things that Ashley should have echoed; but the girl only looked nervous and tired. Spencer felt wiry arms wrap around her shoulders and a cheek press into her own.
"Hey Spence." Kyla grinned into the blonde's face. They were becoming friends quickly, through phone calls and- though Spencer didn't really know it and Kyla did- the fact that Kyla's sister was infatuated with Spencer.
"Hey Ky." Spencer grinned back, honestly happy to see her, if only because she broke up the awkward tension just she and Ashley could feel.
"I see you've met Paul." Kyla commented, untangling herself from around Spencer and sparing the guy a quick glance. She just wished Ashley would have found someone more interesting to "build a life" with. "Waddup." Kyla said boredly, bumping the guy's fist as she brushed past him, pulling Spencer with her. She didn't have much like for the overly entergetic, stuck up man, but if Ashley was supposedly going to spend the rest of her natural life with him than Kyla had to at least pretend.
She wasn't too good with pretending.
They made their way over to their usual table, Spencer and Kyla sliding into one side, Paul and Ashley on the other. Paul across from Spencer, their eyes meeting breifly and awkwardly; Kyla from Ashley, the younger girl studying her half-sister's emotionless face. Brad and Madison would make it there eventually. Their usual waiter, Lochlan or something, sashayed up. He slid a menu before each of them and cocked an arrogant eyebrow their way.
"Drink?" He emphasized. Spencer figured the resturaunt only kept him there to liven up the place, because honestly the guy was hilarious. She grinned into her menu and ordered a water. At least he distracted.
"Water." Ashley echoed. Lochlan- Spencer had decided that was his name -took one look at Kyla and grinned.
"Oooh, daquiri girl. You're getting a daquiri, correct me if I am wrong." Kyla raised her eyebrows and grinnned.
"I am getting a strawberry daquriri, Loch. Never too early for the good stuff."
"Amen hon. And you?" He shot Paul a look.
"Water." Paul answered, face buried in the menu. Lochlan's eyes hesitated on him for moment, but he left a millisecond later. When he was gone, Spencer turned to Kyla and grinned.
"I love him." She laughed. Kyla nodded in agreement, still grinning. Paul looked up from his menu, frowning.
"But he's gay." The man said quietly, dead serious. Spencer frowned back.
"So?" She asked, uncertain as to what he was implying. Paul raised his eyebrows and glanced toward the flamboyant man.
"So, that's not normal." Paul reiterated. A sort of tension seeped across the table, one that even Paul could feel.
"Wait..." Spencer shot her eyes over to Ashley, who just stared down into her menu. Did he not know that Ashley was...well, living on the rainbow side of life in her off hours? A quick hand from Kyla, placed firmly on Spencer's leg, warded her off the subject.
"How was the trip Paul?" Kyla asked, pretending to look through her menu while pretending to actually care. Ashley was the only one- except for maybe Madison and increasingly Spencer- she would pretend for, would lie and fake for. Kyla wasn't really one for deceptions.
"Oh well, we landed in Tokyo at about twelve-no, it was near one actually, we hit a couple storms over..." Paul started one of his infamous travel stories, always filled with unimportant details and always interesting to only him. He got wrapped up in his own tales and tended to block everything else out.
Kyla, hand still firm on Spencer's thigh, leaned closer to the other girl.
"Paul's a major homphobe." She whispered softly in Spencer's ear, one eye on Paul who spoke quickly, hands telling as much as words. "He bascially ignores that Ashley likes girls too. She told him and he acted like he didn't even hear." Spencer looked up and studied Ashley's face, still focused on the menu balanced between her hands. The brunette glanced up, feeling Spencer's curious, worried eyes. She saw Kyla leaning over, Spencer's sympathy, and looked back down. "Paul's a good guy, really. Not really my type-or Ashl- well, he wouldn't hurt her. It's just his family is major religious and so is he."
Kyla pulled back, looking across at her sister. Ashley looked up and sent her a glare.
"What?" Kyla mouthed. Ashley's glare faltered a little, her eyes flicking over to Spencer who was pretending to study the menu.
"Nothing." Ashley said softly. Paul paused his lengthy tale.
"What hon?" He asked, hands paused midair. Ashley looked over and shook her head.
"Nothing. Keep going, what were you saying about that resturaunt?" Paul grinned, eyes off in space and in his memories. There wasn't much room left for Ashley after all those memories and all those people, but he gave all that was left to her. She should be thankful, she thought.
"Well, the hostess..."
IOIOIOI
Kyla was on her third daquiri- because she always drank when Paul was around (it made him more bearable)- and Spencer was starting her first when Madison and Brad showed up. Madison's hair was kind of mussed and Brad's shirt was wrinkled. Kyla smirked knowingly but didn't say anything.
"Hey girls." Madison grinned, even at Spencer because she had really good afterglows after Brad. She slid down next to the blonde and Brad took his spot by Paul, giving the guy a manly head nod. Paul nodded back but Brad was too much like Kyla and Madison- too easy going and easily fed up with bullshit -to make friends with a glorified salesman. In reality, Paul had come out losing to everybody, except, apparently, Ashley and they had all given her shit for it.
She ignored them.
Paul was someone she understood- she could predict him and what he would do -and he made her feel comfortable. They had gone to high school together, albeit running in completley different circles, so when he popped back in L.A., ordering a drink at a bar she was sitting at, she had smiled and nodded. Smiles and nods had led to dates and beds, which shifted into a relationship and, eventually, gave way to a ring. Ashley had affection, if not love; and understanding, if not adoration. She could see a future for them, a ten year future with cars and houses and business trips and fancy parties. Besides, the farthest she ever looked was ten years and only when forced, so the fact that Paul could make her do that must have meant something.
Though it could have meant she was just getting desperate.
Just getting bored and tired and exhausted with her bad girl image (though her actions with Spencer were proving that it was much more than just an image), and she was desperate for some relaxation, some secure promises, and Paul was throwing them at her like he had hundreds. So she took them, and the man they came with, and had become resigned to marrying him and enjoying some of that comfortable safety, if only for a few years. She hadn't set out looking to do it, but somehow in a twirl of confusing, selfish actions, she had ended up here, in this resturaunt with her best friends, her finacee, an ex-boyfriend, and a lover.
It was all a bit much.
She was being selfish and she knew it. She was breaking two hearts- not even counting her's- and she knew it.
She was fucking everything up again.
She knew it.
"What took you so long?" Kyla smirked in Madison's direction, a teasing eyebrow cocked. Across the table, Brad sipped his water and smirked as well, pretending to ignore the conversation.
"Car troubles." MAdison lied blantantly, and only because she knew everyone knew the truth. She grinned coyly and glanced over at Brad. She did love attention. "You know how Brad's Mercedes breaks down all the time." Brad nodded in agreement, drawing his brows together in faked aggravation.
"They should make better cars, those Mercedes people. It's pathetic, really." He said. Kyla rolled her eyes and smiled, sipping at her daquiri. She glanced over at Ashley, who was staring off into space, running a finger over the top of her water glass.
"Why so quiet Ash?" Madison beat her to it, looking over at the brunette who seemed wrapped in thoughts. Ashley glanced over quickly, meeting the Latina's eyes and shaking her head, as if that would free her from contradicting thoughts.
"Nothing." She smiled quickly, a little dazed by daydreams, and tried not to look into Spencer's blue eyes- that were currently trained on her face. "Just a little tired."
"Yeah, me too." Paul said quietly and smirked suggestively into his glass. Silence reined over the table. Kyla and Brad were a little unsure of how to react to that; Spencer and Madison were two kinds of jealous- one from experience and one from want- and Ashley felt only shame. Lochlan appeared at their table again, having noticed the arrival of Brad and Madison.
"So, what would you like to eat?" Lochlan asked, arms crossed. Spencer stood suddenly, placing her napkin on the table and turning to Madison.
"Could I get out please?" Spencer asked, and Madison quickly stood to let the blonde go- anywhere away from Ashley. "Um, I'll have a Ceasar salad please." Spencer told Lochlan, smiling shortly. "I'll be right back." She muttered to the table, and went the way of the bathroom. Ashley was quick to follow.
"I've got to go to the car." Ashley said, waiting for Paul and Brad to move and let her out. She slid out of the booth and headed the opposite direction of Spencer. Once the two were gone, Paul was left with Madison, Kyla, and Brad, which was scary for anyone but kind of terrifying in his case.
"So, Paul, what were you saying about last night?" Brad asked, sitting back down and crossing his arms, head turned toward Paul. Paul could almost feel his eyes boring into his skull.
"Uh.."
IOIOIOI
Spencer locked the bathroom door behind her and hoped that no one really needed to go. She placed her hands on the counter and hung her head. She should have listened to the sane part of her brain- as small as it was -and not have come today. It was kind of surprising how angry she got at seeing Paul and Ashley together. How her vision turned a crazy mix of red and green and she just wanted to shoot the guy. But at the same time she blamed Ashley. And herself. And hell, while she was at it, she might as well blame her mom for making her go to that stupid party and Christine for leaving them in the resturaunt by themselves that day, and anyone else who happened to cross paths with the two girls.
She sighed.
Her phone buzzed angrily in her pocket and she opened without looking at the caller ID. She had heard Ashley get out behind her and for a moment had feared the girl would try to follow her into the bathroom and god knows where that would lead. Well, Spencer knew, but she tried to tell herself that it wasn't something she wanted to happen.
"Hello?" She asked.
"Hey." Ashley answered, and Spencer could hear the rumble of cars in the parking lot.
"Hey." Spencer answered tiredly. "You know, you could have told me that he was-"
"-I didn't think you'd be coming and I didn't-"
"-well maybe you should have asked-"
"-are you ok with everything that- no that's a stupid question, of course you're not ok- unless you are, and then-"
"-Ashley, I'm not ok, I'm really not, not after him and you-"
"-I'm not either Spencer, I don't want...I don't want this." There was a pause and Spencer pushed open one of the stalls and sat down on a close toilet. She closed her eyes, but the tears sparked in them anyway and she wasn't sure why she was crying over a girl she had known for a week.
"Us? You don't want us? 'Cos there's not really an us, Ash." Spencer said tiredly. She was tired of telling herself that and now she had to remind Ashley?
"No, not us. I don't want...him. I haven't ever really, but now there's something.." Ashley trailed off again.
"What's the something?" Spencer asked softly, daring Ashley to admit what was running through both of their minds. Daring her to speak words that Spencer didn't deserve in the least bit.
"I just...meet me tonight?" Ashley asked weakly.
"To do what Ashley? Fuck each other until we forget everything that's sitting over at that table right now? I can't do that. I'm not..." Spencer trailed off, because apparently she was that person. She was doing those things. And it wasn't her place to yell at Ashley for speaking exactly what she had been thinking, no matter how wrong it felt when uttered aloud. "I'm sorry, I'm just...tired." Spencer sighed, rubbing her forehead with her free hand.
"Yeah." Ashley agreed quietly.
"The park? At three?" Spencer asked.
"Ok." Ashley said. Spencer clicked the phone shut. She placed it on the floor and then put her head in her hands. She tried not to cry or break down or do whatever her body was telling her it wanted to, because she knew it wouldn't be pretty. She knew the signs of it would linger on her face. And it hurt too much to admit that hurt to anyone else, whether with words or her body or red eyes.
After hiding out for a few minutes, she finally recovered the nerve to return to the table. She tucked her phone into her skirt again and stepped out of the bathroom. Across the resturaunt, Brad and Madison were staring down Paul, and Kyla was watching, amusement on her face. Spencer walked over and slid in beside Madison without a word.
She still beat Ashley.
When the brunette appeared a few minutes later, she had the signs that Spencer had tried so hard to avoid. The kind of red eyes and the slightly smeared mascara; the pain in her eyes. Ashley sat down next to Brad and Paul passed her her drink, which she downed quickly. Spencer studied the older girl, her heart hurting because Ashley was, her mind disregarding her own hurt, because Ashley had been crying, and there in that crowded resturaunt, Spencer had to accept that she was falling in love.
IOIOIOI
Madison hadn't expected this at all.
When she walked into that crowded resturaunt, realizing somewhere between the valet and the hostess that she had left her panties in Brad's Mercedes, she had expected sexual tension you could cut with a knife. She had expected lingering gazes she would have to interrupt and slight touches she might comment on. She expected all the signs of a growing illict romance, the signs that everyone but Paul would clearly see.
She hadn't expected the morning after awkwardness.
If she knew these things- and man, did she know these illict affairs -it took more than a week to get them on their feet, especially for people as seemingly monogamous as Ashley and Spencer. But here they were, not speaking or touching, and all that sexual tension had apparently been...resolved. It threw Madison more than she cared to admit, becuase if they had dove so readily in then maybe Ashley wasn't the girl Madison had thought she was. But, maybe there was something deeper going on and Madison was gonna be pissed if the latter proved true.
They were sitting across from each other now, both sipping hurridly at their drinks, which Madison thought wasn't a very good idea considering the information she had just decided. Secretive and drunk never really worked out, she knew from experience.
"So, uh, how's that wedding going?" Madison interrupted the heavy silence that had smothered the table since the girls' return. Ashley just took another sip.
"Great, it's going really well. Only two more weeks." Paul grinned from his end. He was a rather clueless guy and this lunch was just making Madison despise him more, if that was possible. She wanted Ashley to talk about it, because Madsion was insensitive and nosy like that and she wanted Ashley to feel what she was doing with Spencer. Especially since she wasn't doing it with Madison.
"Got a dress yet Ashley?" Madison asked, studying the girl's face for a reaction. Ashely's mind went to the perfect, gorgeous dress hanging in her attic at home and the kiss that had happened in it and she looked up into Madison's eyes and tried to keep those dress feelings hidden behind her words.
"Yeah. I picked one out with Spencer a few days ago." She said, refraining from meeting Spencer's eyes. The blonde- the only one at the table save Paul, which was weird, but maybe Ashley just had a thing for blondes and as soon as that thought appeared Spencer shoved it into the farthest corner of her mind because it seemed crude somehow -put her napkin in her lap and smiled softly. The smile came from true memories and not the barely remembered ones about dress picking she was about to talk about.
"Yeah, its really pretty." She added. Kyla watched the two girls shift the subject tenderly between each other, neither speaking in great detail or excitement, and she wondered if there had been more to the dress choosing or if Spencer and Ashley were just getting too close to jumping each other that everything became slightly taboo.
"Where'd you get it?" Kyla asked. Paul watched the four girls talk about the dress- the most important part of Ashley's appearance and supposedly one of the bride's favorite things -and wondered why none of them seemed overly excited or curious. He wondered at the way Spencer and Ashley had their eyes glued to the table, only moving to sip their drinks. He wondered at a lot of things, but mostly he wondered why Ashley's eyes were red and hurt after the two girls with their eyes on the table had disappeared at the same time.
Before he could say anything in that sudden, impulsive manner of his that usually led to uncomfortableness, Lochlan- the waiter -slid in from the side and tossed a few plates toward their respective diners. A roasted duck landed before him and he was momentarily distracted, and Kyla changed the subject to Ashley's bridesmaids.
"How many do you have?" Kyla asked, picking up her knife to cut up her chicken. She looked up to study Ashley's face.
"Just you and Madison." Ashley was grateful for the subject change, considering the dress drama.
"Hey, why don't you make Spencer one?" Madison suggested. It was kind of presumptuous, but Ashley had been thinking of doing it...before. She looked up to meet Spencer's eyes.
"You want to?" She tilted her adorably and smiled, the red fading from her eyes as well the hopelessness that came with it. Spencer smiled, and it wasn't forced because whenever Ashley looked at her like that she couldn't help but smile right back.
"Yeah sure." She agreed, letting herself get wrapped in Ashley's warm brown.
"Settled then." Kyla said. "There's a dress fitting Friday, we'll come pick you up." Kyla said, but in her mind she was already coming up with ways to get the truth out of Spencer about her and Ashley. She would have her for hours- she would be able to break her.
"Cool." Spencer smiled Kyla's way, then turned her eyes to Ashley. The locked gaze for a second, then glanced down before anyone could notice.
It was gonna be a long lunch.
IOIOIOI
When Ashley finally appeared, she was seven minutes late and she was kind of out of breath. Her hair was pulled up and she didn't have any makeup on, but that didn't matter because she was gorgeous no matter what. And maybe that was just Spencer's point of view, but right now that was the only view that mattered to her. They met on the same bench they had the day before and when Ashley jogged up, Spencer stood up to meet her. They looked at each for a second and then Spencer leaned forward and kissed her, softer than maybe she should have. Ashley wrapped her hands around Spencer's neck and walked her back and Spencer sat down and Ashley climbed onto the bench on top of her.
They just kept kissing, even though they knew they shouldn't, because they weren't really sure they could do anything else.
"Is this what you meant by 'fuck each other until we forget everything'?" Ashley muttered, as Spencer's mouth explored her collar bone.
"Mmhmm." Spencer agreed into Ashley' skin, her hands on Ashley's sweatpants covered thighs. She could feel Ashley's leg muscles flex beneath her fingertips as the girl moved closer to her mouth and her hot center pressed into Spencer's stomach.
"You know we shouldn't." Ashley muttered, hands tangled in Spencer's hair, feeling Spencer's warm body beneath her's. Spencer was breathing fast against Ashley's bare neck, her slender fingers tugging at the hem of Ashley's t-shirt.
"So they say." Spencer agreed, pulling away a little to drag Ashley's shirt over the brunette's head. She dropped it behind them.
"C'mere." Ashley pulled back and stood up, tugging Spencer with her and led her backwards behind the bench, to the soft grass growing there. She pulled Spencer down to the ground with her and rolled on top, going back to exploring her mouth, Spencer moving beneath her on the grass. Ashley slid a leg between Spencer's and felt the girl push up against it, a moan moving through her body in a pleasant hum. Ashley smiled and moved down Spencer's neck, nipping at the skin of her jaw.
"Hey!" A sudden light was flashed over them and blaring words blasted toward them. Ashley looked up, squinting in the bright glare, out of breath and missing a shirt. Body begging for release. The light shook a little. "Uh..." The man was at a loss for words. Ashley quickly stood up off Spencer and helped the girl up, moving out of the flashlight.
"Sorry." Ashley smiled quickly, searching for her shirt, hand still wrapped around Spencer. Neither were sure what was going to happen.
"Here." The security guard, in his late forties, eyes wide, held Ashley's t-shirt out to her, but he was obviously still a little distracted. Ashley slid it over her head hurridly.
"Thanks." She smiled, then pulled Spencer away with her. They hurried down the cement path, hoping he wouldn't follow or indict or anything. They reached the bathrooms and Spencer pulled Ashley behind them.
"Oh my god." She stifled a laugh, leaning her head into Ashley's shoulder. Ashley laughed, wrapping her arms arounf Spencer's waist. They laughed for a full three minutes, at the guy's face and Ashley's search for her shirt.
"Well.." Ashley trailed off, wiping a tear from her eye. Spencer smirked.
"Well." She pulled the brunette closer and kissed her again.
"Well." Ashley muttered into her mouth.
IOIOIOI
They were at Starbucks at five in the morning, sipping hot coffee and munching on a shared blueberry muffin. The sun hadn't come out yet, skies still grey and light blue, and the coffee shop was deserted except for Spencer and Ashley and an old guy with a full beard who had served them their coffee. They were acting like a couple, feeding each other bits of blueberry, because they could, here in the anoymity of a new morning. Huddled on a soft leather couch, legs intwined and hands on faces, they crossed numerous lines and didn't bother to distinguish what they were.
To see them, you wouldn't think they would be talking about Ashley's marriage to another man.
"So where's the honeymoon?" Spencer asked, though the words sliced into an open wound that she and Ashley just kept prodding. It was painful, so damn painful, but neither could stop discussing everything that was holding them at an arm's length. Or, not, considering their current entwined position.
"Cancun." Ashley answered. Spencer smirked.
"Cliche much?" She teased and Ashley smiled back and leaned over to kiss her.
"You taste like coffee." Spencer whispered into the inch of space between them.
"You taste like blueberries." Ashley pulled back another inch. "And yeah, cliche. But warm!" Spencer laughed and tore off another piece of blueberry muffin, sticking it in her mouth.
"You'll get an amazing tan." She said. Ashley's phone buzzed from her pocket and she shifted a bit, reaching for it.
"Sorry." She sent Spencer an apolegetic look. "Hello?" She asked, pulling the phone up to her ear.
"Ashley. Where are you?" Paul's voice, gravelly with sleep, rumbled through the phone, sounding lost and curious.
"Uh, jog." Ashley lied quickly. "Why are you up so early?" She started to pull her legs out from between Spencer's. The blonde girl shifted as well, finishing off the blueberry muffin and downing the last of coffee. "I'll be home in ten minutes." She promised.
"Alright. Just wondering. Love you."
"You too." Ashley said, clicking the phone shut and pushing it back into her pocket. "Paul." She spoke the name though it wasn't needed. "I have to go." Spencer nodded as they stood up.
"I should probably to go bed anyway." She smiled tiredly. Ashley smiled back, moving forward to wrap her arms around Spencer's waist, becuase the blonde looked adorable when she smiled like that, like everything was perfectly ok. She leaned forward and kissed the taste of blueberries out of Spencer's mouth.
"I'll see you tomorrow at dinner? So you can tell me how Kyla interrogated you." Ashley smiled, kissing Spencer again, slow and lazy and warm.
"Yep." Spencer leaned in once more to kiss Ashley. Then, the brunette pulled back and, with a last smile, warm and inviting and pefectly ok, she turned and left the shop. And Spencer, not for the first time nor for the last she knew without a doubt, was left with just her thoughts.