Don't look at me.
Crouds have never been a safe place for me.
Don't look at me.
Too many faces, to many eyes.
Don't look at me.
I can feel them, their stares drilling into the back of my mind. They're digging, watching for the right moment to claw into the deepest parts of my soul, to tear me apart.
Don't look at me.
I can't move, their bodies moving closer to trap me in their gaze. I can't fight, I can't run.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME" I scream, bolting upright in bed and cracking head on Lukas's bunk above me. Cradling my head in my hands, I shrink farther and farther into the shadows in the corner of my bunk, rocking forward and back in an attempt to slow my heartbeat. When did I fall asleep? When did I get in bed? Did I get another pill from Nina?
"Mattie?" Franny's voice is soft and barely over a whisper, coming from beside my bunk. I resist the urge to look up, to see him looking at me, pitying me.
"Mattie? Are you alright?" His voice is closer now, I can feel his breath on my forehead and I can't stop from shaking.
"Don't look at me...Don't look at me" I mumble over and over, pressing the heels of my palms to my eyes to stop the flow of tears that threaten to bubble over.
"Mattie, I'm not looking at you. Tell me whats wrong" I feel the bed shift and the creak of the wall tells me he sat next to me. His arm cautiously runs over my shoulders and I lean a bit towards him to tell him I'm alright so he can wrap me in a hug.
It took me a few minutes to calm down eough to pull away from the corner, putting my head against Francis's knees and curling in on myself to stop shaking. Franny stroked my hair, looking strait ahead at the bunks across the rooms.
"What was it Mattie? I've never seen you so worked up before" his voice was sad and I could tell he was struggling not to look down at me, his fingers in my hair being to only proof I'm still here. He's been a lot more protective and clingy to me since Al and Iggy were gone, I can tell it's killing him that I'm all he has left. He doesn't really realise that he's all I have left to.
"Just a nightmare" I breathe, my voice surprisingly calm and non-shakey.
"It's more than that Mattie, tell me what happened." I curl in tighter so my knees are pressed against my throat and my heels are flat against my ass, wrapping my arms around my legs to keep them in place.
"I was in a croud of people, I think I was going somewhere with them, but everyone stopped all the sudden and started moving inwards, trapping me so I couldn't move around. They all turned to me, thousands of eyes staring at me all at once, and I could hear them whispering" I take as deep a breath as I can and hold it for a second.
"Whispering? What were they saying?" His hand stops just above my ear for a split second, leaving behind a ringing.
"I don't know, thats what scares me." His hand comes down and presses against my forehead, a habit he's done my whole life when I get overly stressed. Al used to say it was because of Iggy getting sick all the time, that he'd spike a fever if he got to riled up. My heart breaks for my brother, having to raise us when he himself was so young, only to have two of us torn away from him and another slipping slowly into insanity (namely myself). He found the wounds on my arms and nearly broke down, thinking I was hurting myself. If it wasn't for Antonio, I don't think I would have ever gotten him to calm down and listen to me.
Those two are made for each other.
/line break/
Francis stayed up with me the entire night, never speaking a word or looking down at me until the sun came up. It was comforting to have him there, leaning against him to watch him draw in my sketchbook under a small booklight. I haven't seen him draw in almost two years, and his hands working against the page reminded me of the old movies Lilly would put on in the watchroom. The movies where people would set up large ballrooms so people in fancy silks and cotton suits could come and dance to simple music. Everyone moving to the same beat, the same motion swirling across the dancefloor, that's what his hands were doing. They were dancing. By the time the sun had illuminated the room so the booklight was no longer needed, Franny had created a beautiful scene of a woman cradling a baby in the middle of a large garden of roses, a tall fountain spraying water behind her in the shape of two turtles streaching up towards the sky. Everything blended so well, almost like a black and white painting, and when he was done he handed me the picture and leaned his cheek against the top of my head while I studied it.
"She's beautiful" I whispered, lightly moving my hand along the diffrent parts of the picture, careful not to let my fingers smudge anything.
"Thats what father used to say all the time" he chuckled, "Mom would go outside with Al while Iggy was resting and father would stand by the back doors watching for a few minutes. I would come up and tug on his pant leg and he would look down at me and say 'she's beautiful' just like that. Of course, at that time I thought that was silly." We both laughed.
"What was mom like?" I whispered, laying the sketch down ontop of both our knees.
"She was a lot like you, never liked to go anywhere and got real skiddish when people would look at her for too long. She had quite a rebellious side though, sometimes she'd wait till father got home from work and then pelt him with water balloons" he let out a hearty laugh, "I really wish you could have met her Mattie, I can imagine the kind of trouble you guys would have gotten into."
"What about dad?" I asked, smiling down at mother's face and imaging pelting Franny with water balloons. Francis was quiet for a while, his brows furrowed like he was contimplating his answer.
"Father worked a lot, and when he was home he and mom wouldn't get along very well sometimes. He was a very humble man though, never asked for any more than what he absolutely needed, and even then he would only ask for a little. He tried to be a dad to all of us, I really think he did, but he made...To many bad choices." I opened my mouth to ask him how, but the look on his face made me second guess it.
"You guys really are close aren't you?" Lukas asked, hanging upsidedown to look at us, his hair flopping like a curtain. Oh yea, he has insomnia to...Just how much did he hear?
"Yea, I guess you could say that" I smiled straitening up and scooting to hop down from my bunk, streaching out my now-numb legs. He twisted so he was looking at me still, dropping down so he hung by his knees, and my skin began to crawl uncomfortably.
"So how come your so afraid of people staring Matt?" I strained not to hit him square in the jaw.
"Aww come on Lukas, leave birdy alone" Gil's voice startled me and I spun around to meet his sleepy gaze, one hand rubbing his eye groggily. He smiled at me and streached with a yawn, his T-shirt riding up above his belly button. Before he drops his arms, I tackle him in a bear hug, nearly knocking us both over in a fit of laughter.
"Awww you guys are so cute~" Feli squeels from his bunk, leaning his chin on his hands and kicking his feet idly in the air. Romano mutters something from beside him and Francis laughs, Feli looking at him like he'd kicked a puppy.
"Just ignore them birdy" Gil whispered in my ear, squeesing me tighter against him, "how'd you sleep? Or rather, did you sleep?"
I laughed without humor, "Yea, I slept for a little while. I ended up waking up after a while though."
"Why?" He pressed his forhead against mine and I resist the urge to kiss him.
"No reason, I just woke up" I fibbed, forcing my expression to stay calm, "How'd you sleep?"
"Like a freaking baby, I don't think I've ever had a good night sleep like that. I feel so relaxed." I giggled despite myself and we both sat on the floor, me in between his legs with my back against his chest.
"Que faisons que nous avons planifié pour aujourd'hui? (What do we have planned for today?)" Feli yawned, turning over so he was hanging like Lukas.
"Rien d'aujourd'hui, que c'est samedi (Nothing today, it's Saturday)" Me and Franny said almost in unison, making us both burst into a fit of laughter.
"Yep, definatly close" Lukas mumbled, giving a natural-yet-not smile. I sigh and slump back against Gil, runing my fingers through his and trying to ignore the all-too-firmilliar lump under he sleave of gauze. I let my mind wander to what Francis said about our parents, something just doesn't sit right with the way he talked about them, almost as if he's trying to hide something.
"Yo! Earth to Mattie!" I look up, snapped from my thoughts, to see Antonio curled up with Franny by the windowsill, Eva twisting her fingers around her shirt as Francis braids her hair to one side.
"Sorry, I kinda zoned out. What did you say?" And how long was I in my own little world?
"That's what I was saying, I was wondering if you were alright. You seemed kinda blank for a while, I thought you'd had some sort of stroke or something" he chuckled.
"Oh, sorry. I guess I'm just out of it today is all, I think I'm gonna go outside for some fresh air" I stood as I spoke, Gil following close behind as I walked out of the room and out the back door. I didn't stop at the garden, nor the trees, nor the fence. I hopped over and kept walking untill we were in the middle of the forest, sitting ontop of the cliff side overlooking the valley.
"Mattie? Are you alright, your acting strange and-" I climbed over to him, pressing out lips together and wrapping my arms around his neck. His whole body went stiff against me for a few seconds before he responded, tightening his arms around my waist to pull me closer. I wanted to drown in him, to forget everything, but he pulled back.
"Birdy, talk to me. You've always been here for me, now it's my turn to be here for you." He pressed our forheads together, his breath tickling my face.
"Kiss me" I breathed, "One more time. Please." I was practically begging, I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes, threatening to spill over, but I don't know why. All of my emotions seemed to be battling for dominance over each other, making it harder to breathe.
Gil did as I asked, capturing my lips again. I opened my mouth to him, drown in him..Drown in him.. When he pulled back again, my head was clearer and the throbbing in my head became a dull ringing in my ears.
"Gill" I whispered, "I think I'm loosing it."
His body stiffened again, "What do you mean?"
"I can't figure anything out anymore. Al and Iggy used to tell me about our parents all the time and so did Francis, but I could tell they were hiding something from me. I hate it, them always sheltering me like some china doll that might break if you so much as look at it wrong. My whole life has been this way, people constantly pushing me aside and locking me up to shelter me from everything. Everyone's always staring at me like their staring into me soul for a way to keep me in one peice when they don't realise their tearing me apart. I hate being in the shadows all the time, I hate being treated like some special kid who needs someone to wipe their ass for them. I hate it!" I practically screamed, clutching his shirt like he'd run away at any second. Like he'd run away and find someone else to help me, like he'd pity me.
"Mattie" he whispered, "Matt, your not alone. I know how it is to be treated like a glass doll, when me and Ludi were taken from our dad everyone acted that way towards us. Your strong, Mattie, stronger than most people give you credit for. Maybe you should talk to Franny about this, of course I don't kow if yelling will help of not" he chuckled, making me do the same, "but maybe if you tell him how much you want to know all the gorey details, he'll see just how much he's been babying you and keeping from you and he'll give in. Just, promise me something?"
I nodded, looking up at him again, drinking in the sight of him. Pale skin, red eyes, cotton white hair.
"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to" he presses me into another warm hug, his breath warm and tickling against my neck and ear.
"I promise"
/line break/
Dinner was silent and stressful, although I couldn't quite pinpoint why. Everyone seemed so ridgid, so afraid.
"What's going on?" I whispered to Lukas, stone faced and trying not to make it obvious.
"You mean you don't know? I'm sure Gilbert would of told you of all people.." he mumbled, taking in a large spoonful of gruel.
"What do you mean? What happened?" I had to force my voice to stay low, my heart making uneven thuds in my chest. What would Gilbert be hiding from me?
"I'm surprised you didn't already notice it-" another spoonful, "Nina called a doctor in earlier to look at him along with all the other ones, but when the doctor tried to pull away his bandages, he punched him square in the jaw and knocked him out. Everyone's afraid of him." He just gave a little shrug and kept eating, mumbling something along the lines of "must be nice.."
Why would Gilbert do such a thing? He's never been so openly violent, at least not that I've seen. Something must have triggered it, maybe the doctor accidentally did something wrong...
I couldn't help but let my gaze wander to Gil's seat, but when our eyes met he turned away, whispering something to Ludwig and then excusing himself from the table. My heart broke in half and followed him, why is he being so secretive towards me? He seemed fine earlier, but then again Gill has a way of acting the opposite of what he's feeling.
I excused myself from the table as well, heading directly to Gil's room. He wasn't there, so I checked my room, the main bathroom, the library and finally the garden. Nothing. I nearly gave up, slaming my fist into the wall, probably hard enough to sprain it. I ended up going back to the main bath and standing under one of the shower heads, letting cold water hit me. I didn't even bother to undress, my body feeling uncomfortably warm, almost feverish. I doubt he would have hopped the fence so early in the day, he's not stupid. Where could he have gone?
I curled in on myself, curling even my toes to try and fold into a smaller and smaller being. Maybe if I tried hard enough, I could become so small that no one would notice me anymore, no one could see me and I could just wait for someone to step on me. The cold water didn't help, and a fierce itching invaded my body. I scratched and scratched,digging into my arms and pulling off my shirt to get at my chest and neck.
I hate my emotions, they always seem to bring everything way out of proportion. Maybe I'm just obsessed with Gil, he's the only one whos ever came close to making me comfortable in my own skin. When I'm around him, I feel like I can actually feel. Maybe he was keeping it from him about his outburst so I wouldn't be afraid of him, or maybe he just didn't want me to know, period. It makes me wonder, though, just how much he doesn't tell me and why.
I've always told him I'd be there for him, and he's opened up quite a bit, so why is he pulling away so much now?
Then it hit me, the one place I didn't check. I ran out of the bathroom and back into my room, slipping on a fresh pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, tossing the wet clothing in my hamper. I had dug wounds into my chest and arms, some bleeding and others just raised and angry looking. I had to take a few deep breaths so i wouldn't bang my head into the wall. I really need to stop doing things like that.
I treaded barefooted into the branch of halls that led to supply closets and finally stopped in front of the basement door. Sure enough, the lock was already popped, the door barely closed so that you couldn't see the lights on below. I was cautious on the stairs as to not get splinters and I barely heared the murmer "who's there?"
Gotcha.
When I got the the bottom of the stairs, I saw a crack in one of the large metal doors.
"Gil? It's me" I whispered, cautiously reaching out to open the door a bit more. He hates small, dark places, he told me so. Why would he put himself in one then?
I would hide in there when my dad would get really bad.
He feels safe.
I cracked the door open just enough to slip in and then closed it again, never looking at Gil until I was in. It was pitch black, but I could just make out his form hunched over across from me.
"Gil, why didn't you tell me?" I whispered and he gave a small whimper like a kicked dog.
"I didn't want you afriad of me, I'm turning into my father."
"You are not your father, Gil. I'm not afraid of you, I've never have been." I wanted to reach out to him, but even in the dark I could tell he was a complete mess.
"You don't understan what it's like, Mattie. The other night, I woke up in the middle of our room-" he choked, "I had my hands wrapped around one of our room mate's throat. I punched that doctor, but I had no idea that I had done it untill later. I black out, I don't want to hurt anyone."
"Gilbert" I said and he visibly flinched, "you really are an idiot." I crawled over and without hesitation wrapped my arms around him.
"You sit there and listen to my problems, you smile everytime Ludwig or I are near, you hide everything inside yourself in hopes that we won't hate or fear you. You never let yourslef cry, and you hate yourself for every mistake you make." I bit down to keep my voice from shaking, "You hurt yourself in a desperation to find some relief, you idiot. I told you I would be here for you and I meant it. No, I don't know what it's like. I've never delt with abuse from parents, but I know what it's like to wish you could dissapear so everyone around you could live easier, but it's never that easy. Do you think Ludi would want to live if you didn't? He tries to be strong for you too, Gil, so you don't have to all the time. If it wasn't for Francis, I probably wouldn't have survived much of my childhood and if he wanted to die-" I took a breath and sqeesed tighter, " you don't have to hold the world alone, Gil, let me help you."
I was begging, grasping at the air for every and any words that would keep him with me. His whole body was shaking and it took me a moment to realise he was laughing. A soft, sad chuckle that slowly built up into a half-sob, half-histerical giggle.
He lifterd his head and his hands came forward, grabbing my cheek bones and cradling my head.
"You know Mattie" he mumbled, "sometimes, I just don't understand you. One moment, you barely have the courage to tell someone your name, then the next your giving a speech about life. Sometimes I can't help but have to reach for you to make sure your really there." he pressed his forhead aginst mine, he was sweaty and his skin was cold like ice.
"I love you Matthew, it took me a while, but I finally realised it. Not a crus, not a lust, I love you." Before I could respond, his lips were on mine, his arms snaking from beneath me to around me, pressing me closer to him. His tounge slipped inside my mouth and I found my self utterly intoxicated by him.
Funny how things happen, my day starts out shitty, I end up ranting for an hour to him, then I end up yelling at him about wanting to dissapear (like I have any room to talk).
I guess thats just how teenage love ends up, two people who are still figuring out what their lives really mean, holding onto each other in a desperate attempt to find some sort of sanity.
And I love him.
I love him.
And he loves me.
/line break/
Ok, so sorry this was kind abrupt, and that everything kinda escalated quickly. Basically, I was trying to go for typical one ties to be strong for everyone he loves but is slowly falling apart. I wanted to show the sorta kicked-puppy side of Gil and show that he isn't how he seems.
Basically because I got some shiz coming up woot!
Oh! And I'm probably going to post an alternate version of this story as well, telling it from Gilbert's point of view, if anyone's interested. It will have a lot of background and other stuff not seen so much in this version ^^
Alright, enough of my rambling, I need to get some sleep (I hate insomnia, but it's where my stories come from so it's not all bad XD)
Please R&R my lovely birdies! Feedback is my life and my motivation to keep posting!
~Yulie