Chapter Ten

I was both overjoyed and yet terrified by those words. I would be free to do my duties again but unless Titanic was stopped there would be a massive loss of life and a worldwide tragedy.

As hard as I tried I could not will myself to sleep that night. Each time I tried to sleep I found myself waking up and looking out my small view to the world. I had expected to hear cries, see people running back and forth, even someone cursing my name. What greeted me each time was silence and the ocean trying to lull me to sleep.

In the past I had always enjoyed the ocean. The noise and sometimes even mild waves were calming to me. The waves that threatened to take my life, however, I could've done without. The ocean had tried to drown me enough times in the past.

I found myself by my little view to the world and stared up at the sky. I could see and identify the constellations with ease. I had wondered if I could have seen the North Star but had no luck. Perhaps it was due to the angle I was at or it was right in front of me and I couldn't see it.

It was funny how things could be right in front of us and we're not able to see them.

I blinked once as I began to wonder if I was in fact speaking of myself? Was it me who could not see what was in front of me? Was it the world?

Was I the one who was wrong or was it the world?

Certain things sometimes had to happen. Could this be one of them?

Could I be going against God's plan by trying to keep Titanic from sinking?

What would happen if Titanic didn't sink? What if it sank at a later date and there was an even greater loss of life?

What would be the consequences of saving the ship and everyone on board?

I did wish I could see and speak to that stranger I saw on the Carpathia. Surely he had to know any consequences to my attempts at saving the ship! Angel or demon he knew something that I didn't!

I blinked again.

Was I losing my resolve or was I actually starting to think things through? Beforehand I had been over eager to try to stop the ship from sinking. Now I was beginning to wonder what the right thing to do was. Was there even a right thing to do?

That, at least, was easy for me to answer. The right thing to do was to save as many people as possible! Even if I was forced to lay down my own life my job was to help protect the passengers.

Why did I feel like I was mentally on the road to ruin with all this mental torture?

Was the mental road to ruin the only way for me to go?

I sighed and went back to my bed. I flopped down onto it with my face planted firmly in the pillow. I groaned when I realized I needed air to breathe.

Grunting I rolled over onto my back and once again looked at the ceiling.

Eventually, somehow, I became too tired to stay awake and fell into an uneven sleep.

The next morning I was awoken by James shaking my leg.

"Good, you're awake," he said when I opened my eyes.

"Yes, but I'm tired," I grumbled.

"You are not a morning person."

"I never was."

James nodded a little. "Shall I do something to help wake you up?"

"What?" I asked.

Grinning James walked to my door and shouted, "Run for your lives! Angry Welshman on the loose!" With that he ran away and disappeared from view.

"Children," I mumbled to myself and sat up.

I reached the door when I saw Miss O'Brian on the other side. In her arms she was holding some cloths and had a confused look on her face.

"I missed somethin', didn't I?" She asked.

"Sometimes I wonder if Mister Moody is an adult or a six-year-old trapped in a grown man's body," I said.

"Then the two of ye are two pees in a pod!"

I didn't have an answer for that.