Chapter Ten

The next day there was still no word from Rachel. I was anxious – more anxious than I had been in my life. I wasn't even this worried before barging into Richard's apartment. Every thought centered on Erin and what the demons could possibly be doing to her. It almost made me nauseous.

Please let everything be alright… I begged to whoever would listen.

While Jensen was off with Jim doing who-knows-what, I went outside to where Jared was talking on his phone. There were no cell towers in sight, so I was surprised he could actually get any signal.

"No – that's…. that's not what I'm saying… Gen! Would you please just–…. Look, I'm doing the best I can here, okay?"

I stuffed my hands into my coat's pocket. Fall was approaching faster and faster every day. Leaves sprinkled the ground around me and the grass was turning a dismal brown from lack of sunlight and rain.

"I understand that," he continued on the phone. He glanced and saw me and held a finger up to tell me to wait. "I have a responsibility here, too. You know that. Look I'll – I'll just call you back later." He hung up with a quick "I love you" and that was that.

I had a feeling I shouldn't be listening to him on the phone but the house was stuffy and full of stale air. I needed to get out for a little since I finally could stand for a short time without getting weak.

Jared walked closer to me. "I'm sorry you had to hear that." He gave a half-hearted smile.

I kicked the leaves around me. "I'm sorry as well." He gave me a confused look so I added, "If it weren't for me, you'd still be back home with her and your son."

"Don't be," he sighed. "This is more important than she realizes, I think."

"How much does she know? About demons and Lucifer and all that."

"Mostly all of it. I try to keep her on a need-to-know basis so as to not overwhelm her with worry all the time."

"How are your ribs?" I asked, pointing.

He held a hand to his side as if to check them. "A little pain, but nothing to worry about."

I gulped. I didn't know what to say. Yet another thing that wouldn't have happened if I weren't here with them. I tried to think of the words to say, to convey to him how terribly guilty I felt and how sorry I was that all of this was happening.

"You alright?" he asked, staring intently at my face. "Do you need to sit down?"

I shook my head. "No, I…" I what? I'm sorry didn't feel as though it meant enough, that it didn't hold enough meaning. "Jared, it's all my fault." I could feel my eyes getting wetter and wetter.

"What? What is?"

"Your ribs, fighting with Genevieve, all of it!" I blubbered. "Everything is my fault! If I hadn't gotten in that car accident, none of this would be happening. You would be fine and happy back home with your wife and son, and Jensen wouldn't be so worried and Jim would be playing dress up with his daughter and… and… everyone would be happy! It's my fault, and I hate it."

He wrapped me in a tight hug, despite the pain he must have felt. He didn't say anything, didn't confirm or deny my fears, he just held me. And I liked that. That's what I felt like I needed. To be held. Not to be told everything was going to be all right – that would be guaranteeing a non-guaranteeable future.

"I don't mind any of it," he eventually said. "It's all worth it for you, Andy."

That only made me sob louder. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve him being nice to me. I almost got him killed. Who knows how close we all were getting killed at the hospital? Rachel said it was teeming with demons, but luckily we got out before there was any fuss. I didn't deserve Jensen being as sweet to me, or Jim being as friendly to me. Yet they kept giving and giving to me, and I couldn't give anything back.

"Let's get back inside where it's warmer, okay?" Jared said softly. "I'll make us some hot chocolate."

We let go of each other, but he still kept an arm around me. We walked back inside and I sat in the kitchen, feeling slightly drained from the episode outside.

"Genevieve is lucky," I said while he waited for the water to boil.

He smiled at her name, probably already forgetting about their phone fight. "Yeah?"

I smiled back. "Absolutely. When all of this is somehow said and done, I'd like to spend time with her. And you, of course. And Thomas."

Jared nodded. "I'm sure we would all love that."

"Are you happy? That you know, I mean."

"Know what?"

I waved my hand around. "About this. All of the demons and angels and ghosts and things."

He was quiet for a little, thinking about it. "I don't know. I mean, it helps explain a lot of things in the world, I feel like. But at the same time, it's what nightmares are like. Do I wish I didn't know? Probably. But you can't change the past."

I looked down as I said the next part. "Do you think Jensen would be married if you guys didn't know?"

Jared blinked rapidly. "He told you?"

I nodded slowly and pretended to pick something off the table. "Last night."

He sighed and sat down in a chair next to me. "Are you okay?"

I didn't know how to answer that. Nothing in this world seemed okay, but I didn't want to sound whiney and jealous. "Yeah," I said, "I've just been thinking about how different everything would be if just one thing changed, you know? If she hadn't been mugged, then she wouldn't have been made an angel and you two wouldn't have known everything exists. Or if I had just waited two more minutes to leave work, I wouldn't have gotten into the accident and none of this would happen. I would be alright, Erin would be alright, and we wouldn't be on this crazy chase to keep Lucifer locked up."

Jared rubbed my arm comfortingly. "I think about it all the time, too. But we can't change it. No matter how hard we wish it, we can't go back and do it over."

He got up to finish making the hot chocolate, while I thought about that. What if things could change? What if I could somehow do it?

I told everyone that I was going to take a nap, and they helped me up the stairs. I had never been so happy to see a bed in my life. The couch I had been sleeping on was saggy and hard. Jensen asked me about three times if he should stay with me, but I told him I would be perfectly fine alone. With a pained look, he eventually left the room, closing the door behind him.

I waited until I could hear the last person step on the creak at the bottom of the stairs before I sat up and whispered, "Rachel, wherever you are, get your ass over here."

It took a few moments, but she eventually materialized in front of me.

"You called?" she asked.

"Is there any news, any at all, on Erin? Please tell me you have something. I'm going crazy over here."

A pained looked crossed her face. "I haven't found her yet," she said. With that one sentence, all hoped drained out of my body. Suddenly, I did feel like I could actually nap. "But there's still a chance. I have a few leads; I just need to follow them. They are a stubborn lot."

"What is it? Maybe we could help?"

She shook her head. "I'm afraid that's not a good idea. The last thing we need is for you guys out and about in public. As of right now, the demons have no idea where the four of you are. They're trying hard but haven't found anything. You're safer here until I find Erin."

"I have to do something," I pleaded, "I'm going insane just sitting here, wondering what they're doing to Erin."

Rachel came over and sat next to me on the bed. I could almost feel her hand on my arm, but there was just coldness there.

"They wouldn't hurt her. Think about it – why would they? She's their only leverage. What use would it be if they killed her?"

The word made me shrink back. I couldn't even fathom it. A world without her… it wouldn't be a true world. I wouldn't want to take part in it.

"Okay," I said, trying to get the image out of my head, "But what if they think she knows something? What if they're… they're torturing her?"

Rachel pursed her lips. "I can't tell you anything definitive right now, Andy. I'm doing the best I can, okay? Just give it time. Everything works out the way it's supposed to."

I nodded and she disappeared from sight, hoping to find the truth about where Erin was. I laid back down on the bed and closed my eyes. I was actually more tired than I had realized and fell asleep.

In my dream, I was running. But at the same time, it really wouldn't qualify as running. It was like I was stuck in some sort of invisible goo, preventing me from getting far. I turned around to glance at who was chasing me. It was Jensen. Why was I running from him? Then I saw it. The black eyes.

Run! I thought, and I quickly turned back around. My legs felt stiff, and I suddenly fell to the ground.

"Stop running," he said, coming up to me. His eyes were their normal shade of green now.

"They're coming," I heard another voice say. Jim appeared next to him. "They are all coming. For you."

Jensen and Jim turned their backs and started walking away. Fear gripped me. I knew exactly who they were talking about – the demons.

"Wait!" I called after them. I tried to stand, but my legs weren't functioning. I couldn't get up. They were gone, fading in the distance, not showing any signs of turning back to me. "Wait…" I said quieter, sobbing to myself. I was alone.

"Come with me," a high-pitched voice called to me. A hand was thrust into my vision. I followed the arm and saw Rachel's face. She was smiling beautifully at me. She was whole, and her body no longer bruised.

I took her hand and suddenly my legs began to work again. I stood up with her help.

"We have to go," I told her, "The demons are coming."

She shook her head slowly. "It's not the demons. It's them." I looked at her confused. My hand still in hers, she began guiding me away. I didn't know where to, but I felt safe. Safer than I have in a while.

"Who is 'them?'" I asked though I didn't particularly care. I felt so content and happy and warm – it didn't matter to me who "they" were, as long as I could feel like this forever.

She was glowing. Rachel looked positively radiant and beautiful. This must have been how she looked before she died. Her skin was ivory, speckled only here and there with a freckle or two. Her eyes shone like she had the universe's stars inside of them. I didn't care where she was guiding me. Jensen and Jared and Jim and demons and Lucifer – none of that was on my mind. All I could see was her beauty and all I could feel was happy.

The room began filling with light. We were still walking, but I couldn't see. The light was bright, but it wasn't blinding. It was a warm, comforting light, enveloping me in a comforting embrace. It reminded me of when my mom used to put my blanket in the dryer just to warm it up for my bed.

A soft, hushed voice said in a whisper-like tone, "Andy…"

It wasn't Rachel. It was too far away to be her. I could still feel her hand in mine, but I couldn't see anything except whiteness. But at the same time, the voice sounded as if it came from everywhere. I couldn't distinguish whether it was someone I knew. It was just an ambiguous voice that said my name.

Then I knew who – or what – it was.

Angels.

With a start, I sat up in bed. I was awake now. Everything was dark. The light was gone, along with Rachel's hand and the quiet voice.

It felt so real, I thought to myself, clutching my stomach at the sharp pain I brought on when I sat up. I glanced at my hand then, still feeling Rachel's palm in mine.

For the rest of the day, I kept looking at my hand. Sheri never touched me, even as she looked as though she became whole. When Rachel held my hand, it didn't shock me in the dream. But it was so soft and warm – nothing like Jensen's or anyone's here. They were rough and callused. I missed it. I missed Rachel's hand, even if it was just in a dream.

"You alright?" Jensen asked as he set a plate in front of me. Sandwich. Again.

I dropped my hand into my lap. "Yeah. Another sandwich? Really? Can we please have a little more variety around here?"

He chuckled and Jared and Jim joined us at the table.

"That was one heck of a nap earlier," Jim commented, taking a bite of his sandwich.

Jared chuckled and added, "Yeah, I think the demons heard you snoring."

That probably shouldn't have been funny given the situation we were in, but I cracked a smile and laughed with them. It felt good to smile. I couldn't remember the last time I did. Thinking back, all I could remember was darkness and pain since the convention however long ago. It seemed like ages. Years. But it could have only been a few months. I didn't even know the date anymore, just that the leaves were falling as well as the temperature.

The next day, coincidentally, flurries of snow started falling from the sky. It couldn't have been more than October but it was already cold enough to snow. Throughout the day the flurries got bigger and bigger and began to stick to the dry, dead ground littered with leaves. As the sun was setting, we all went outside in the warmest gear we had and started gathering it in our hands, throwing soft, mushy snowballs at each other. I threw more than I got hit with, probably only because I was still pretty wounded.

In that moment, nothing seemed to matter anymore. For a split second, I got to forget about demons and Lucifer and Erin missing. I got to enjoy myself, possibly for the last time. We were laughing. Actually laughing. Loud, stomach-pinching laughter.

At one point, unspoken teams formed. Jensen and I gathered together and started pounding Jared and Jim with the snow. The "fight" became so heated at one point that we didn't even have time to gather the snow and form them into balls, so we just picked up whatever we could and threw it in their direction.

When we were all thoroughly soaked, cold to the bone, and tired, we decided to retire back inside.

"Andy, wait," Jensen said, grabbing my hand just before we stepped onto the porch. Jared and Jim were already inside.

"What's up?" I asked, turning to him.

He shook his head. "Does something have to be up to get a moment with you?" He half-smiled. He hadn't let go of my hand and I didn't want him to.

A split second later he pulled me closer and wrapped me in his arms and pressed his lips to mine fiercely. When had we last kissed? Not in a while. His lips reminded me of Rachel's hand. Soft. Warm. Inviting. I couldn't get enough of it. We were consuming each other. I could feel the snow falling on our faces as we lingered, pressed to each other. As they melted they felt like tears. Or maybe they were actual tears. The moment was so beautiful and perfect, it broke my heart. Who knows when we could get the chance again to be like this again? Together, no cares, actually enjoying ourselves? I wanted it to last forever and I think he did, too.

His hand came up to cup my face and he felt the water. He pulled away and I realized they were, in fact, tears.

"Are you crying?" he asked softly.

I tried to smile but it wavered on my lips. "I'm going to miss this." I sniffled and put my hand on his on my cheek.

"What do you mean?" His face was still so close to mine.

I closed my eyes. "At any moment, everything can change," I said. "I just… want to remember this."

I opened my eyes in time to see him smile slightly. "I do, too."

I put my hand behind his neck and pulled him forward into another kiss. And another. And a thousand more. I didn't care if Jared or Jim saw us. It was almost the end of the world, and it would be if we didn't find an alternate way to save myself from the demons. And if Rachel found Erin and we were too late… well, I don't know what would become of me. I could promise, though, that this happiness would never come again. It would be my fault, no matter what anyone said to me.

When we finally walked back into the house, Jim had started a fire in the fireplace. Jensen and I peeled off our wet coats and boots and joined him and Jared on the couch. I don't know how late we all stayed up talking. They told me so many stories from the set and how to play their card game they had created. There were so many rules involved I had to keep asking what I was allowed to put down and pick up. We were all happy. Finally.

Jared helped Jim pull out the battery-operated space heaters from a closet for the night. We all slept better than we had in months. Jensen held me through the night, occasionally moving my hair to behind my ear so he could kiss my neck, or squeeze my hand. I was more comfortable than I had been in a long time. I told myself I could die right then and there and be totally happy. Screw the rest of the world – I finally got my happy piece of forever.

But maybe we slept so well because somewhere, in the back of our minds, we knew the worst was coming.

The next day, we finally heard back from Rachel. It was midday when she arrived, and I was talking to Jared about the dream I had during my nap, with Rachel holding my hand and the voice of the angel.

"I mean, you don't think it's real, do you?" I asked him.

He was silent for a while. Jensen and Jim were outside gathering firewood for the winter. Jared looked genuinely concerned about the dream.

"I wouldn't put any stock into it yet, but just in case – if it happens again try to wake up," he said.

I furrowed my brows. "How do I make myself wake up? I don't know it's a dream while it's happening. It all seemed so real and normal until I woke up."

"I don't know," he answered truthfully, "But I read somewhere once that there are ways to make yourself realize that you are in a dream. Something like looking at a clock and if the numbers are all jumbled up, then you know it's just a dream and not real."

I groaned. "But what if it is real, Jared? What if the angels are trying to contact me? I have no solid reason to say no to them, except that Jensen will be angry. But really, what's the bigger problem here – Jensen being angry or saving the fate of the world?"

He pursed his lips. "Did they try and contact you last night? Dream or otherwise?" I shook my head. "Then don't you think if they wanted to, they would have?"

He had a point. I was pretty important to this whole Lucifer thing. If they really wanted me, wouldn't they try their hardest to get in contact with me as often as possible to try and persuade me to them?

Before I could even think of something to respond back with, I saw a figure form out of the corner of my eye.

"Rachel!" I exclaimed, standing up immediately. From the look of urgency on her face, I knew what she was here for.

"I have news," came her high-pitched voice, "about Erin."

I looked quickly at Jared and told him, "Quick – go get the other guys."

He nodded and ran out of the kitchen as fast as he could in search of them. Really, it could be a while before he found them. The woods in the back of the house were pretty extensive.

"Did you find her? Is she alright?" I half wanted to know, and half didn't.

The look on Rachel's face made me want the latter all the more.

"Should we wait until they come back?" she asked. I knew how much she hated them, so her asking this made me want to pass out. There was only one reason she would want them around when she spilled the news.

"Is she…?" I couldn't say it. If she was, I didn't want to believe it. I could already feel my body going cold at the thought. I sat down so I wouldn't pass out and stared at the floor as I put my hands on my head.

Breathe, I told myself.

"No," Rachel said eventually. "She's alive."

I let out a huge breath of relief. I looked up at her with a feeling of betrayal. "You should have started with that!" I wanted to hit her but knew it'd be useless. "God, don't scare me like that."

The look on her face, though, wasn't very assuring. Whatever she was about to say, it wasn't good. But Erin wasn't dead. I could handle whatever Rachel was about to throw at us, so long as Erin was alive.

Jared stormed into the house was the two others trailing behind him. Jensen immediately came to my side and asked me, "What is it?"

I shrugged. "She hasn't told me yet. She wanted to wait until all four of us were together." I looked up at her with a face full of question.

"Okay," she began, "so I spent forever trying to find a demon nest that seemed to have anything to do with this kidnapping. All of them are informed on your bounty, Andy, and looking for all of you. But I finally found one where I overheard one talking to another about a girl taken from her home that may have an idea where you are. I thought, 'This has to be Erin.' So I spent a day or two around him, hoping he'd lead me to the main nest, or whatever, where Erin was. Luckily, he did. Turns out he was the leader of the smaller nest where I found him. The main one is where all the leaders of the smaller ones meet, I guess. But she's there. She's batted up a bit, but she's alive."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I relayed the entire message to the guys and Jensen asked, "Where is she?"

"They're keeping her in a warehouse," she said, "in Gurnee."

"Is it safe to go?" I asked her after telling the guys the location.

She paused for a moment. "That's the tricky part. There's a ton of them there, at all times. At least fifty, from what I saw. I really don't know how you all can get in, let alone to Erin and out safely."

I swallowed and told the guys everything.

"We'll go in first," offered Jim. "Fifty is nothing. We've ganked more than that before. Andy, you stay in the car until we say all is clear. Rachel can let you know whether or not we've succeeded, or if there's someone coming for you." He nodded to the area where her figure was.

"That's insane!" I fought back. "It's suicide!"

Jensen grabbed my hand. "Jim is right. We've fought off more than fifty before. This should be a no-brainer. Demons don't use weapons, only magic. But really – what's faster, a bullet or a hand?" He squeezed my fingers.

I looked at the three of them and could already tell they were all in with Jensen. My eyes began to fill as I mumbled out, my voice cracking, "I don't want to lose any of you."

Jared touched my arm. "You won't lose any of us, promise."

My lips trembled but I knew I had to hold it together. By the end of the night, God willing, Erin would be in this house with the four of us. And then I'd have a long story to tell her…