WARNING: If you, gentle readers, are confused by events portrayed in this and the following chapters, the short version of my explanation is, I wanted to write him as someone who has truly been fucked with because of his life experiences. And I was going through a bad time. Thank you for your time, and please, enjoy.

Playlist:
Institutionalized, Suicidal Tendencies

"Up and at 'em, boozer!"

I grunted and curled up tighter, but someone grabbed my collar and dragged me across the floor, and I had to wake up with a loud, unhappy moan. "Nii-saaaaan, you bastard, let me go! Four more minutes!"

"No. Did he leave the goods alone?" nii-san asked of my supposed friend. I yelped as I hit the ground, banging my hip on the trailer hitch. He didn't let go of my collar.

Bunny shrugged. "He snored, but otherwise he behaved well. He also tied my shoes together."

"Not my fault," I muttered, getting to my feet slowly. "Bunny, you traitor, you were supposed to wake me up BEFORE we stopped."

"I decided not to," he drawled, looking everywhere but at me. He's very bad at hiding embarrassment. He's bad at controlling his curiosity, too. "So this is Oriental Town… I've never been here. It doesn't look half as bad as Uncle made it out to be—" he cut himself off and bit the inside of his cheek as a muscle in nii-san's jaw jumped. "Er. I mean…"

I punched his shoulder. "Shut up, rabbit. Maverick is just jealous 'cause we have the lowest crime rate in the state. Make yourself useful and carry my stuff."

"I'm not your personal gopher, you know," he snapped, but accepted the burden. That bag is heavy, though, so it was quite a feat (for him) to not complain. I tried not to grin.

"Maybe not, but you're certainly a burrowing rodent."

"Rabbits aren't rodents."

"Well, vermin, then."

"I'm not vermin!"

"Riiiight, you just keep telling yourself that."

He knew instinctively not to start up our normal kind of argument, but I wished he didn't. I want to fight. I want to clear the nervous energy building up in my system. I'm scared, and I don't want to be.

I opened the door, and the smell of fried rice hit me. Ma's fried rice. I barely noticed Bunny saying "Wow, that smells good," and nii-san replying, "That's oka-san's famous recipe."; I just followed my nose to the kitchen, and peered around the door hopefully.

Unattended. Sizzling. Ripe for the taking.

I looked around, and, seeing no one but Beavis and Butthead at the door, snuck in, keeping low. The stirring spoon lay innocently upon the counter, a single grain balanced on its edge. I picked it up gingerly, raised it, poked it in to the gleaming gold mass, with its rainbow of delicious—

"HALT!"

I yelped and dropped the spoon, stumbling as I turned and putting my hands up automatically.

"I didn't do it!" I shouted, "Mori made me, I swear!"

Kaede did her best impression of a hard-bitten law-enforcer, her replica Blue Rose guns steady and pointed at my head. "Back away from the spoon!"

I edged away from the stove, trying hard to remember how to act like an adult. But all I could think about was how me and nii-san used to play Heroes 'n' Villains. I somehow always ended up as the villain. So I knew how to play along.

"Curses! Caught in the act!" I growled theatrically, calling up my memories of late-night radio and afterschool TV shows. "I'll get you for this, Bobcat!"

"I dare ya!" she retorted, and proceeded to shoot me up. "POW POW POW POW!"

"Arrrggh!" I clutched my chest and staggered and fell to my knees. "I… swear to you… I will… have… my revenge…" I fell on my face with an exaggerated final groan and lay as still as possible. I couldn't help a little grin as I heard her smart marching footsteps come toward me, but wiped the expression off my face quick and made as grotesque a grimace as I could.

She braced one foot on my head. "Ha! And so ends the Fiend, thief of fried rice and devourer of all things cabbage-based!" she proclaimed triumphantly. "Finally, you have been brought to justice!"

"Oh really?" I growled, and brushed her foot off my head, catching her before she fell over and tossing her up a little as I stood. "Ha yourself! You have forgotten, the Fiend has nine lives!" I slung her over my shoulders in a scarf-like fashion and grinned as she half-shrieked, half-laughed. I remember this, not just from my childhood, but hers too; when she was five, we would play this same game. She would wear my mask and run around knocking pictures off the sidetables, screaming her own Wild Roars. She called herself Bobcat. Does she remember?

"You actually came, you actually came! I thought you were lying again!" She tried to hug me, but only managed to hit me in the eye with her elbow. I laughed and let her slide over my shoulder to a less awkward position, and hugged back.

"I'm sorry, sweety. Thanks for stopping me, I'm starved; I might have eaten the whole thing." I spent a single second just hugging her, closed my eyes and pretended this was ten years ago; my baby girl, still a baby, not angry with me all the time, still happy when I came home every night… I let her push away a little and grinned. "Didja see my present around here anywhere? He made off with my luggage."

It still hurts, that change in her expression; but I hide it much better now. "Really? You got him to come?"

"I blackmailed him. And he wanted to try grandma's cooking." I thought about carrying her, then decided against it, and put her down. She snatched up her toy guns off the floor, clinging to my sleeve for a second to keep her balance, then turned the act into pulling me out of the room.

"Grandma's in the garden. She said to tell her when you got home. Well, she said "if", but it's "when" now, so come on!"

If. Ma said if I come home. I didn't know that returning would be more painful than staying put.

I put on my happy face again and followed willingly, trying to think of what to say. I didn't have to, though; Kaede made her own conversation. She looked so relieved and yet accusing, but her words sounded happy, like I'd come home from a two-week business trip, not years promising and failing and promising again. Oh, god, baby, I'm so sorry.

We arrived to find Bunny speaking with ma already, politely answering her politely phrased questions with a politely pleasant look on his face. The change when he saw me wasn't dramatic, but it was noticeable; from a slightly interested smile and a charming head tilt, he stood up straight and grinned. "So, do you often run away to sample your mother's cooking and leave guests in the caring hands of your older brother?"

Nii-san's eye twitched.

I wrinkled my nose at Bunny. "If you're gonna admit he scares you, why don't you just say it right out? It'll make it easier on all of us."

Kaede backed behind me a little bit, hand on my elbow. I resisted the urge to ruffle her hair. Ma pursed her lips and gave me a disapproving look. "Kotetsu, did you try to sneak some rice?"

"Maybe," I mumbled sullenly, staring at my feet. Kaede hid a snort; I gave a tiny smirk. "I got held up by Bobcat. I have never been more terrified."

"You shoulda seen it, gramma!" Kaede gasped. "It was like a real action movie!"

"I almost got my nose broken," I whined, rubbing it and trying to glower properly. "She's handy with a squirtgun, I'll give her that. Kicked me when I was down, too. The nerve!"

"You probably heard him screaming," Kaede added soberly.

"I couldn't help myself!" I protested, pretending to be embarrassed it was mentioned. "I was caught off guard, and you know I'm no good at pretending to be brave."

Nii-san turned away to hide a smirk, and ma kept a steady look of disapproval trained on me. "Well, it's lucky I hired her, or you would have eaten everything in the cupboards, as well as dinner. And no, you are not allowed to call for pizza afterwards."

"Aww, but maa-aaa!" I whined.

"I want pizza!" Kaede put in with a pout. "Pizza is better than rice!"

"Now, that's just—" I tried to say, but ma interrupted.

"You may think so, but rice is much healthier. You'll be staying for dinner, I trust?" ma asked Bunny courteously. She wasn't very enthusiastic about it, but she's ma, she feels obligated to be a good hostess. Bunny glanced at me, very quickly, asking for permission. I shrugged.

"Ah… No, thank you," he declined. "I'd rather not intrude. If you—"

I stepped forward and put him in a headlock, making him yelp. "Stop being an idiot! It's not intruding, it's mooching off of. An' you're already a parasite. Ma, if I put a muzzle on 'im, can we feed him scraps?"

"Dad!" Kaede cried accusingly.

Ma glared at me. "No, you may NOT muzzle him. Now let go, I might as well make another dish to go with the rice."

"Cordon Bleu?" I asked hopefully. I didn't let go of Bunny.

"No. I don't have the ingredients. Let go of him, he's a guest, not a toy."

"Can we order—"

"No."

I scowled and let go. Bunny stopped cursing under his breath and ran his fingers through his hair while straightening his jacket. His glasses had fallen off. I scooped them up and put them on. "Wow, I forgot how bad your eyesight is…"

He tried to snatch them back, but I elbowed him away. "Excuse me, I need those to see!" he snarled; good, now he's forgotten to be a stiff. I snorted and took them off again.

"Yeah yeah, keep your pants on. It's not my fault you were born blind."

"I'm not blind."

"Your prescription is for lenses two centimeters thick. You're blind, get over it."

It was easy to get him to relax enough to argue with; he gets nervous when he can't insult me, which is silly, but I can handle it. Just like my anger rolls off him like water on a dam, his just hits me and dissipates. I can pretend to be angry back, but sometimes it's hard.

Ma made some baked potatoes, and for dessert we had Dessert; pear halves with mayo in the hollows and cottage cheese as a fluffy bunny tail. There were ears made of celery pieces, with raisins for eyes and nose, and they were just as delicious as I remembered. Nii-san and I scarfed our rice to get to them. Kaede was hesitant, but seemed to enjoy it after a few bites. Bunny looked at the one I shoved at him and gave a queasy smile. "No, thank you. I'm not big on cannibalism."

Nii-san snorted a little in his pear. "Huh. So you don't mind being called a rodent?"

"Rabbits aren't rodents," Bunny reiterated coldly.

"Yeah, they're vermin. Get it right, Mori." I kicked nii-san under the table and he kicked me back. Bunny loaded some rice on his fork and flicked it at me.

"Children," ma admonished in a warning tone, skimming the latest edition of the evening paper.

I almost felt bad for bringing an awkward little kid for a visit, but I got sucked into at least three different conversations, and everyone else was conversing with multiple persons, and it was one of those big webs of speech that are impossible to follow if you aren't part of it. Kaede kept her eyes down and only shot nervous, awed little glances at Bunny when he was looking the opposite direction. His face got redder and redder as the meal progressed, and I almost suspected that he wasn't used to sharing a table with a fan.

"Kotetsu, would you please take care of the dishes?" ma asked when it was clear we were all finished. I made a face, but stood without argument; I'm visiting home, I have to do my chores. Kaede opened her mouth to say something, I didn't know what, but I ruffled her hair as I passed and she didn't. I'd rather not hear anyone talk, anyone at all. Bunny's conversation lagged for a minute, but he picked up the thread quickly enough. What, he doesn't want me to do normal chores, just because he's scared of my family? Well… it is partly my fault.

I remembered the train station and felt something inside harden. No. He doesn't get to be the pampered posterboy here. He can spend time in close quarters with people that make him nervous and like it. It's good practice.

I was so wrapped in my own thoughts, I barely noticed when Bunny appeared beside me and started drying the plates (ma refuses to install a dishwasher). And I didn't really wonder why it was him, instead of nii-san, I just handed him the next piece of silverware and kept on. I heard murmurs behind me, and I saw his expression tighten uncomfortably out of the corner of my eye, but there was a grain of rice stuck to the pan that wouldn't come off, so I was focusing on that.

The screech of wood on tile; "Here, rabbit, I'll take over. You're a guest, y'know, there are rules."

Bunny tried to smile, but I could feel that he didn't want to leave. It kind of felt like a rubberband; he was scared to go too far because it might snap, and then he wouldn't have anything to direct him. I nudged him with my elbow.

"Go on, varmint, get. Ma is probably dying to interrogate you."

He reluctantly gave up his spot to nii-san, and Kaede suddenly dodged in to whisk the cleaned and dry dishes back to their cupboards. Ma laughed behind me at the table, and I tried not to grin. Ha. Take THAT, antisocial bastard.

We finished clean-up, ma managed to somehow placate the rabbit so he was normal instead of wound-up and unable to find a proper niche in our chaotic mess of a family, and we retired to the living-room for the evening. Somehow, we convinced Bunny to stay over (or, ma did; she's determined to suck him in to our clan), and at seven, Kaede went to bed and we adults stayed up. Ma retired for the night at nine. Nii-san claimed he needed to close shop, because he has an assistant now and he extended hours, so it was just me and Bunny.

He looked at me and I looked at him. "…Do you want guestbed or couch?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Which do you prefer?"

"Well, usually I take the bed, which is a shikibuton by the way, but if you're gonna complain of stiff muscles because you were out here—"

"No, no, it's fine," he cut me off hastily. "I can take the couch."

There was another second of silence.

Do you believe in guardian angels?

I snagged my bag, stood, and stretched my arms above my head. "Nng—ow, I'm getting old. Okay, I claim bed. If you have nightmares, just come and tell me, alright?"

He nodded, and his face went red as a fire hydrant. I don't usually bring up his nightmares, but I don't want him waking my entire family with screams like he's dying. I patted his head like a favorite pet rabbit and went to bed.

~~~\0/~~~

I woke up around one because someone was shaking my shoulder. They were also squeezing said shoulder rather hard. I tried to mutter something, but it came out at a mess of syllables with no clear form, so I just turned over a little and glared blearily up at Bunny. There were tears on his face.

"Oy… Bunny, what…"

"Can I sleep here?" he blurted, almost cringing. "I'm… I don't think I…"

I rubbed my eyes to unstick them and propped myself up on my elbow. "What nightmare was it this time?"

"Fire. Just… the one with the fire." He was trembling, and his face was ashamed, but terrified. "C-can I…?"

"Fine, fine," I grumbled, un-rumpling my blankets. "You are such a little kid."

I haven't shared a bed with anyone in years. Bunny curled up tight as a… well, tight as a rabbit, and wormed his way in my arms to squish himself against my chest, shoving his head under my chin. I rolled my eyes, but let him. I like having a giant personal heater, even if it's weird and uncomfortable. And anyway, I don't like it when my friends cry.

~~~\0/~~~

As usual, I woke up at an ungodly hour on my back and snoring. Not as usual, there was a thing pressed up against my side with its arm across my chest and its head propped on my shoulder. Also not as usual, the blanket was completely wrapped around the thing, with none left over for me.

"Blanket hogger," I muttered, and tugged a corner free to cover my middle.

I woke up again only with the blanket-covered thing lying across me, at a perfect ninety-degree angle. The blanket was more evenly spread, but I couldn't breathe, so I rolled it off my stomach so it lay on my legs instead. It made a little grumbling noise and rustled, but soon fell still.

After a third rude awakening via my foot falling asleep, I sat up and squinted at it. The thing appeared to be a blond burrito, and reluctantly pulled one edge down a little to glare back at me.

"You do know that you weigh over one hundred pounds, right?" I said finally.

The burrito let the corner obscure its pond-scum eyes and burrowed deeper. From within its depths, a voice grumbled, "Yes, and you stink."

"You had your face in my armpit, idiot. Get off." I managed to rescue my foot, but the burrito struggled valiantly and made its caterpillar-like way up from my feet to flop unceremoniously beside me. Blond fuzz poked out of the end nearest me. I had the urge to fix that fuzz so that it lay flat; I was combing out the knots with my fingers before I could remember who was wrapped in this burrito. My hand jumped back like it'd been shot through with lightning. This is Bunny, I can't be seen acting like he's my younger brother. He is, though, he's my ward, my otōto, my friend.

Wiping my hand on my boxers, I got up and nudged the burrito with my foot. "Alright, fine. Go ahead and be a lazy Mexican foodstuff, but I need breakfast, so you're on your own for—ow!"

He did the caterpillar squirm over to me and pressed against my side again. "I'm cold," he mumbled. "You're warm."

I scowled at him and rolled away so I could sit up and rub my ankle. "Bullshit! You're just being clingy. Why'd you have to grab me?"

He didn't answer, but I could almost hear him trying to think of one. I waited for a few seconds, then stood again, keeping out of reach. "Y'know what? Just… go ahead and laze about for a few more hours. I'm not going any further than the kitchen, so if you absolutely have to—"

"Kotetsu, are you awake?"

I spun too fast and almost fell over. "Er… yeah, I just got up."

The door remained shut, but I could still hear ma sigh. "If you deign to tell me where that Barnaby boy has gone off to at some point, I would greatly appreciate it."

Something in her tone made me flinch. She knows. She knows he's here, and she probably thinks the worst…

No, no, mustn't think that. Why am I being so paranoid? "Okay, ma."

Her footsteps leaving. I turned back and glared at Bunny, who had finally uncovered his eyes again. I didn't know how to tell him off, though; this behavioral pattern was new to me, and even if I could have interpreted it, I didn't really want to. He stared out at me for a total of six seconds, then pulled back into his cocoon.

I stomped over and unrolled him. He let me, but didn't stand up, he just huddled there, back to me. This was extremely annoying. I felt my eye twitch.

"God, Bunny, do you EVER change your clothes?" I muttered, digging through my bag for real clothes of my own. Jane's jar was intact. I hid it under some other stuff and dragged out said garments. "Do you even have any extra socks? Or is your bag full of coffee and vitamins?"

He didn't answer me, yet again.

"What, are you giving me the silent treatment?"

Not even a grunt.

I thought about kicking him, but instead I went over and knelt behind him, put my hands in front, and bent over til my head braced on the floor and I could look him in the eye. His expression was uncomfortable and unhappy, and he avoided my eyes.

"Hey. Bunny. Look at me."

He did, reluctantly.

"You don't have to stay. After breakfast, you can go. I won't tie you to a chair." I grinned and he smiled back wanly. "You're my friend, and I won't press you. I only wanted to make Kaede happy, and if that makes YOU unhappy, well, I take full responsibility. Now come eat breakfast with us."

The reluctance faded a little, and I started to get up again, mission accomplished—

"Mmph!"

Morning breath tastes nasty. I thought that, dimly, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, but most of me was focused on trying not to scream bloody murder.

After a few seconds, he let me go—mostly. Well, he stopped kissing me, at least, and nuzzled my throat. I tried not to move. How the hell am I supposed to react to THAT? And he still had his fingers buried in my hair, keeping me down at his level. Every part of me was screaming, but my brain was trying to unscramble all those messages, even though they all boiled down to one thing:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.

I was on my feet before I knew it and dragged on some clothes, ignoring his little yip of surprise (yes, it was a yip, and it sounded uncomfortably disappointed) and leaving the room hurriedly. I can't. I can't, I can't, I can't. If I have to stay in that room for five seconds more I'm going to yell. Bunny, why would you DO that?

I tried to smile when I entered the kitchen, but I was still shaky. "What's there for food?"

After two heaping helpings of scrambled eggs (with ketchup and mayonnaise) and five pancakes (drowning in maple syrup), I felt much better. Also, I was trying to cover for Bunny's escape from the couch (meaning I shrugged when he came up and said I slept the whole night through, so I didn't know). Talking and eating helped calm me down, so I didn't feel like shouting when he finally snuck in, looking sheepish and tired and combing his fingers through his hair. He avoided looking any of us in the eye.

"I'm sorry I slept in so late," he nearly mumbled. I had the urge to drag him to the table and stuff him full of food until he spoke properly, but ma beat me to it. We both have the Take-Care-Of-Everyone-No-Matter-How-Pissy-They-Are gene, but she knows how to handle hers.

"It's alright, we all woke up late," she soothed graciously, steering him to a seat and piling a plate full of eggs, bacon, pancakes, and sausage. Both Kaede and me watched her set it down like dogs begging under the table. We only got three slices of bacon each, but Bunny received six. Ma glared at us and we looked down at our semi-empty plates, pretending obedience. Bunny started nibbling, and when ma turned away, he gave Kaede four slices and me one. I made sure not to let our fingers get any closer than two inches. I felt like we were all little kids again. Ma turned back and Kaede hid her extras under her pancake leftovers; all three of us smiled innocently at ma, who raised an eyebrow but only took my (licked completely clean) plate and used silverware to dump in the sink with the other dirty dishes.

Since Kaede was on break, she stayed home for the day. Bunny seemed occupied and kept fidgeting. Ma put us to work in the garden, and she and Kaede went to bake cookies. Nii-san stopped by to "oversee" us, a.k.a. jeer and distract, as siblings will do. I was glad to never be alone with Bunny for more than three seconds.

However, after cookies and lunch, ma took Kaede to the store (specifically telling me that Kaede needed some time out of the house and away from me and Bunny), Muramasa disappeared unexpectedly, and Bunny and I were left on our own again.

I sat on the deck and looked over the garden, trying to think of something, ANYTHING, to do that would get me away from him. Unfortunately, it's a small house, he's never been here before, and… well.

"I… I'm sorry about this morning."

I didn't turn to look up at him. "Yeah, well, it doesn't matter," I muttered gruffly. "Don't do it again and I won't slaughter you."

"But… I-I don't know if…"

I did turn, this time, to glare at him. "Don't know if WHAT? It's simple, no buts about it, just don't DO that. Is that somehow a foreign concept all of a sudden?"

"N-no, it's just—"

"'Just' nothing. Forget about it." I went back to glowering at the cabbages. "Sit, you idiot, you look awkward as a pelican in Raybands."

That got him to laugh. He sat, tentatively, a foot and a half away from me. I felt myself relax a bit. If he stays away from me, but close enough to talk to, I am okay with him being around. God, why am I so scared of him?

No, it's not HIM I'm scared of. I'm scared of being… well, whatever he thinks I am. Attractive, I guess, if he really DID want to kiss me instead of it being a half-asleep kind of thing. I cried when he said I had pretty eyes, I yelled when Nathan said I was cute, I cringe just being too close to females who didn't hate me and show it… I don't want people to think of me like that, to any degree. I want them to admit that I'm doing something good, something needed, not laugh at me and insult me and need to get out of the house because I've been around for six hours…

"In answer to your question on the train," Bunny suddenly blurted, "Yes. I do believe in real-life guardian angels. I, ah. I'm sitting next to one right now."

I stared at him for a second. No, that smile was genuine, if nervous. He wasn't making fun of me. "…Was that supposed to be a compliment, or am I supposed to stomp away and never speak to you again?"

His smile faded and a brief look flashed across his face, like a kicked puppy. "N-no, I didn't mean it like that, I meant, you, well, you're my friend, and—"

"No. Shut up."

He did, reluctantly. The kicked puppy look didn't leave his face.

I rubbed my nose on my wrist and tried not to be angry. It was too easy; instead of anger, everything just sank, and hit this black, sticky, hot pool of wretchedness in my stomach. I didn't remember it being there, but it was, and I almost screamed, just for something to do, something to alleviate the backsplash that was crawling up my throat. I'm going to be sick. I'm going to throw up and black tar will pour out and I'll drown in it and everything bad will just go away. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hid behind them, crossing my arms over them and blocking everything out. What the hell is this and why is it happening NOW? It's not him, it's not anyone here, why do I suddenly feel… wrong?

"…Kotetsu…?"

Kotetsu. Huh… it doesn't feel like my name right now. It feels apart… empty. I'm detached from everything that defines who I am. Which means I'm undefined. Which means I'm nothing.

Go away, go away, go away…

"Kotetsu, I didn't mean to…"

"Maybe you should leave now."

Everything seemed very quiet for a moment. Nii-san. Where'd he come from? I refused to lift my head. I could feel Bunny tense.

"Maybe you shouldn't tell me what to do," he replied coldly, "Seeing as I have authority of the law and you don't." I wanted so much to hit him, just slam my fist into his face and wipe that I'm Better Than You smirk right off his goddamn pretty-boy face. But I couldn't lift my head to aim. My fingers twitched; where's a blade when you need one?

"There IS a law stating that, as co-owner of this house, I have the right to dispel you at any time," I heard nii-san sneer. "One of the great liberties of this fine country of ours. Funny, even immigrants from the other side of the world understand the legal system better than a supposed enforcer of law."

"You're not an immigrant," I mumbled. "Ma is. We're officially American-born citizens."

"Yes, except that you were two months from being born when we arrived, and they only labeled me as American-born because oto-san convinced 'em I was from his ex-wife. So, I have the upperhand here. Now then, Mr. Brooks, would you be ever so kind as to pack your things and leave my brother alone?"

I suddenly sprang up, without knowing how I managed, because the black sludge was rising in my throat—"If this is just because you think I can't take care of myself, you bastard, I'll—"

"I don't THINK so, I KNOW so," nii-san snarled, cutting me off. "Oh, I understand, you're an adult, you can do whatever stupid shit you want, I know you can protect yourself; but apparently not from HIM." He pointed at Bunny, who tried to make an angry noise, but I kicked him and he didn't.

"What the hell does THAT mean?" It's trying to get into my voice, spray out like oil, make me choke on my anger.

"It means seeing you go all gooey on Tomoe was one thing, but having this—this—CHILD pester you so much you reach for a knife is another." I hate it when he pulls out the Past Experience card. "Antonio is right, you know; this is a bad situation and you need to get out of it."

The blackness is so thick I can feel it on the back of my tongue. "What the FUCK are you talking about?! You're starting to sound like ma's marriage counselor!" Go, go away, both of you, just leave now, it's going to make me hurt you.

"Well, we can go see her if you want, but I don't think you need a professional to confirm the fact that you seem to be in an abusive friendship. You've started fighting again, you drink more, you're turning into a violent upriser instead of a hero… something's gone wrong, and the only factor anyone can see is HIM!"

Well… that's true. I hesitated, and that was my undoing, because the blackness suddenly filled my mouth and I said, "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have wanted to be a hero in the first place."

The blackness infected him, too. His mouth tightened, his shoulders tensed, his hands clenched, and the black just kept filling me like bile, and I flung it out like poison.

"Did you ever think there was a reason I wanted to get away from here? You used to beg ma to get rid of me, you blamed me for everything, you let the other kids at me because I didn't dare fight back. Did you ever wonder why I was scared of myself, of what I could do? I had to deal with THEM, and then I had to deal with YOU."

"I've said sorry! How many times do you want me to apologize?!"

"Apologies don't matter! Apologies won't make it alright again!" My stomach was hurting, so badly, so badly. "Why should it surprise you when I can't forgive someone?!"

"Because you hold grudges the way a drunk guzzles scotch. Oh, wait, you are a drunk."

"YOU are a dull, lazy, vicious—!"

"BOYS!"

I stopped shouting and we whipped around to see ma standing in the doorway, a paper grocery sack in one hand and her patented Angry Mother glare trained on us. I don't know why, but it always makes me cringe, at least on the inside. Nii-san can withstand it, but it takes a lot. He's got seven more years of experience. The black goo was still choking me, oozing up my throat, even though I knew it didn't exist. It felt so real. I suddenly wanted to sit down and cry, because that was the easiest way to get rid of it.

Ma pointed back inside. I trudged past her, expecting the usual stinging slap to the back of my head or thump on my shoulder—but it didn't come. I expected nii-san to start hissing at me again when we entered the house, but he didn't. I expected my eyes to just suddenly overflow with watery blackness, but they didn't. I expected remorse. I couldn't. I couldn't honestly say I was remorseful for the things I said.

I wish I wasn't a NEXT.

Kaede was standing in the kitchen, putting food away. I almost went to help, but nii-san suddenly grabbed my ear and hauled me into the living room; I know how this works, so I didn't wince. We sat at either end of the couch, not looking at each other. Now ma will come in and lecture us…

"Muramasa. Kotetsu."

We looked up.

Ma stood in front of us, arms folded, disappointed now instead of angry. I know why. I promised I wouldn't cause trouble. I promised I'd be good. I lied. I looked down again so she couldn't see that the black was coming out and trying to make me cry.

"What was that about?"

I rubbed my nose on my sleeve. Nii-san picked at his nails. There was silence, like there was when we were kids.

Suddenly nii-san sighed. "I'm sorry."

I stared at him. "Huh?"

"I'm sorry. For shouting." For a minute, he really did look sorry. Then he didn't. "I'm sorry that I had to be loud to drown out YOUR yelling."

I wanted to dive across the couch and punch him in the face. But no, the black tar stuck my mouth shut and I suddenly felt very helpless. I can't tell him he's wrong. I can't explain to ma that he started it. I can't tell her that Bunny knocked me completely off kilter and that's why I got angry. I can't I can't I can't. I don't think they'll believe me. And I don't have the slightest clue why.

I tried to stand up to leave, but ma got in my way and pushed me down again. I almost wanted to push back and just get away—

"Barnaby is packing," she informed me. I stared up at her.

"Wha?"

"I told him it would be best if he found somewhere else to stay, if he would like to continue visiting, or go back to Sternbild proper. Family drama and all that." She smiled, and I almost believed she'd forgiven me. But no, of course she hasn't. I've done wrong, haven't I?

I waited, but she didn't tell me off. Nii-san didn't try to make snide comments, or even demand I apologize for bringing all that up. It's in the past, we're supposed to forget it. But I can't. It's stuck, it's engrained, I need to…

I suddenly thought of red. Red on white. Red liquid on white sink. Silver blade.

"…Well?" I demanded, when nothing happened. I tried not to sound nervous. "Aren't you going to yell at us?"

"At US? How about at YOU?" nii-san growled. "You started it."

The black filled my mouth. "Huh. I started it? I forgot. See, I thought YOU were the one who told him that you think I can't look after myself."

"I said I think you can't look out for yourself against HIM. He's a terrible influence."

"And WHY do you care?"

I didn't mean for it to sound so bitter and accusatory, but I want to know. Why? You didn't care before. What, is it because he finally came inside this house, invaded your space, became a center of attention where there used to be a web? He's no good at being a background character. Get over it.

"Um…"

Me, nii-san, and ma all looked up at the same time. Bunny almost flinched. "Er… I need to go home. Our—my boss isn't very patient." He glanced at me as he said this, but I ignored it. Go, go, get away before I explode and my tar-coated innards leap out to splatter everything.

"Bullshit excuse," I mumbled to myself, and almost choked on the black goo.

Nobody heard me. I couldn't even look him in the eye… I was too full of wrongness. If I look, he'll see that my eyes are black.

You have pretty eyes.

Do you believe in guardian angels?

But no.

"Thank you for dropping by," ma said sweetly. "Muramasa, will you drive him to the station?"

"No, that's—" Bunny tried to say.

"I can—" I started.

"Sure thing," nii-san agreed smoothly, overriding both of us and practically bouncing to his feet. "C'mon, rodent, you'll miss the 6:05 train."

I wanted to be the one who said he wasn't a rodent, but at the moment there was too much inside me, and it didn't want to say yes or no to anything anyone said. It didn't want to react. I don't want to react. I don't want to feel.

What the fuck am I thinking? I pinched the inside of my elbow, hard. I'm such a fucking liar. I don't want to not exist. I'm scared. I only feel it on the surface, I swear, deep down I'm normal—no, not "normal", I'm regular, Average Joe regular. What's the point in lying to myself? I am NOT depressed.

I want to see blood. Maybe the red will wipe out the black.

Bunny tried to hesitate, but nii-san gripped his shoulder and started pushing him down the hall. I didn't say anything. I stared at my knees and tried not to think about how much of an asshole I am. God I need a drink.

Then I thought of something.

"Ma, can I go get a six-pack?" I asked. I hadn't meant to, but it was out, and it was what I needed. My head felt light.

She stared at me for a minute. I never expected her to be surprised; I've been drinking since I was sixteen, and I never truly quit, even with Tomoe. Sure, I went months on end without more than one glass of scotch, but that was still alcohol. Why is she always surprised to see me trying to get a bottle to hold still so I can get the last dregs from it?

"Why?" she asked. She seemed… genuinely clueless. She doesn't know. I've explained it so many times, to EVERYONE, but no one seems to get it. Not even Tony, and HE'S been drinking since he was FOURTEEN. Then again, he hasn't spent all of his money on beer instead of bills, child support instead of insurance.

I didn't say any of that out loud. "You know how some people pop pills like candy? Well, that's how it is with me and Budweiser. It's a love-hate thing."

I'll give her this much; she understands metaphors. "Kaburagi T. Kotetsu, are you saying you self-medicate with ALCOHOL?!"

"Well, that's kind of what alcoholism is," I snapped back. This is a very bad time to be snarky, but I don't give a fuck. "How is that still a surprise? You KNOW I drink too much, so why do you act like it's news to you?"

There was a silence. I have never seen that look on my own mother's face. Ma's eyes get very sad, and very tired, and I have never been able to figure out how, but her shoulders slump and her wrinkles deepen and she gets so, so old and tired. And today, she had the kind of look a person gets when they realize someone they love has lost… something. I used to think it was innocence, but I know better now. It's when we become disenchanted that our families feel the most pain.

"…Alright," she sighed, voice low. "Don't bring any in the house. The bars are open, I think."

I wanted to spring up and run, but I made myself stand and hug her instead. Ah… there's the bit of steel in her spine, making her stiffen a little. She doesn't want me to try and "make it all okay". I let go and stepped back and repressed the urge to kiss her cheek.

"Thanks, ma." I walked away.

~~~\0/~~~

I only just managed not to get hammered, and had lunch at the pub, and reconnected with one or two (or three, or five) old friends. I think any of my coworkers would've cried, hearing and seeing me with this rowdy clump of ex-cons. They asked what I did for a living nowadays and I deflected their attentions to the quality of the fermented piss that the bartender (a kid I used to tease constantly and keep the other, more violent bullies away from) served as ale. Said bartender had a scar on his cheek and a broken nose, but he'd gained muscles and he only grinned at my jeering. One of my closest mates brought his old lady, who did not seem old at all, and she looked very uncomfortable, squished between all these bulky, tattooed bastards. I yelled at them and they, laughing, rearranged so she and her guy were at a more open spot with better chance of escape. I forgot that I can be chivalrous.

I came home for dinner stinking like piss, beer, and peanuts, and immediately headed for the shower. I'd quit after the sixth round, except for two high-ballers, and I'd walked, so I'd worked some of it off; but I was still swervy, and no one had noticed my entrance. I just stood in the hot spray for a bit and waited for it to get too much. My skin turned as red as it can get, and started stinging. I didn't bring my own shampoo and soap and all, but there was some dandruff stuff, and a clean bar of Dial that I lathered on a washcloth until it was white with suds.

There's a very strict time limit, in this house, and I'd already used most of it up on pre-rinse. Somehow I managed to dry off quickly enough that, when the knock finally came, I could throw on some clean clothes (I wasn't so drunk I didn't remember basic modesty) and emerged with some wisps of steam.

Kaede stared at me. "Where were you?" she asked, and I WAS drunk enough to not be careful.

"Eh." I shrugged. "Slamming drinks with the boys. Don't worry, I'm not that far gone. I can walk in a slate—straight line," I corrected. "Just don't let me drive."

I didn't notice the fear on her face until I was safely flopped on my bed and drifting off to my post-binge nap. She's scared? I told her though, didn't I? Don't be scared, I'm just an idiot, a violent drunken brawling pitiful moronic idiot. There's nothing for her to fear, right?