To: Jeff Schafer

From: Byron Pike

Subject: My epiphany this weekend.

Jeff,

There is so much to tell you. And I say things better in writing than I do in person. Words just come out better somehow when I'm writing. So that's why I'm writing to tell you about what happened this weekend. It's not because I'm trying to avoid any kind of confrontation. Because if you want to talk about it, please call me as soon as you're done reading.

When I got in on Thursday, I called Rex. I had to go see him, because he would have been offended if he knew I was in town all weekend and didn't take time to see him. I knew I needed to tell him that I was back together with you. Why hadn't I told him already? Well, mostly because I'd spent the last ten years still smarting from being hurt by you, and it was something I'd talked to Rex about. So I knew he didn't like you and I knew he might be disapproving. So there's one thing I want to mention: that we've been back together for four months and I failed to tell the man who is basically one of my best friends about it.

I knew Rex would take it badly, but I didn't realize how badly. Before I told him about us, he asked me to be with him. He, I don't know...professed his love for me. And what I'm about to tell you is a big admission and mostly the reason why I needed to do this in writing and not in person. I didn't know what to do. I knew I loved you, but I want you to know that I remain terrified of your personal demons. That those demons could haunt our relationship forever, that you might start drinking again, that you might not be through sleeping around. And so, when I had a couple glasses of wine in me and Rex told me that he loved me and he kissed me, I want to admit to you that I didn't push him away. Not right away. I kissed him back. And I felt like I had two voices in my head. One telling me that I love YOU, and the other telling me that you aren't worth it and I could be just as happy with Rex.

Things progressed just a little beyond kissing, when I finally pushed him away. Even though I still didn't know what to do, I wasn't willing to go any further with Rex knowing that I was still with you, and that I'd made a commitment to you and more importantly that you'd made a commitment to me. So I told Rex I'd think about what he said, and I got the hell out of there.

I was rescued by Jordan and Adam. Adam is now officially out of the Peace Corps, is broke and jobless and living at home. Jordan just found out that Corrie's expecting again. So we went out for some much needed triplet bonding time. We went to the Stoney Lounge, where I drank, well I don't know the exact number, but I drank scotch on the rocks and a lot of it. A female bartender was flirting with me. I tried to deflect the flirting to Adam, who thought she was hot, but it didn't work. She said she liked me better because I was drinking scotch.

Anyway, during a long drunken conversation, Jordan found out that I'd never kissed a girl, and that made him a little sad for me for whatever reason. (And yes, I did point out that he'd never kissed a guy). I don't know what I was thinking, but I'm sure you can understand the stupid idiotic things we do when we've been drinking. I kissed the bartender. Even drunk, I didn't really care for kissing a girl. But-as Jordan would much later point out to me- kissing is cheating and so I am confessing that to you here. While I was in Stoneybrook this weekend, I kissed Rex, I let him get as far as putting his hands down my pants and I stupidly kissed a female bartender.

The next day, hungover and regretful, I had yet another long talk with Adam and Jordan, though by now Nicky was in town and joined us. Jordan pointed out that I cheated, Nicky believes in "levels" of cheating and thought I was OK. Nicky gave me some advice and he was, no surprise here, far more helpful than either Adam or Jordan.

Still, I spent the rest of that day and all morning Saturday not knowing what I should do. Something Nicky said really stuck with me. He said that people who make us the happiest also have the potential to hurt us the most. I'd probably be much happier with you, but that it would come with a greater risk of being hurt in the future. With Rex, I could probably be somewhat happy, not as happy as you make me, but I'd always feel safe and secure. So, Nicky pointed out, I had a choice in what I wanted to go for.

When I was at the wedding on Saturday, I was playing this song for Mallory and Ben. It's called Annie's Song and it's by John Denver. They lyrics lean toward the cheesy romantic type, but there were a few lines in there that just really hit me in the gut when I thought about them. Come let me hold you. Let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter. Let me die in your arms. And it hit me. Those are the things I want with YOU. Not with Rex. Not with anyone else, not ever.

I want to be with you. It's so clear to me and it's such an aching clarity that I'm having a hard time believing there was ever really any doubt.

The first line of the song is "You fill up my senses." Jeff, that is exactly what you are to me. When I'm with you, you are sight, sound, taste, smell and feel. You are part of me, and you have been since we were ten years old. These last ten years are forgettable, something I can completely throw away because you weren't there with me. And if I'm throwing away my last ten years, I can damn sure throw away your last ten years.

So that's what I wanted to write to you. I needed to tell you that I kissed two people this weekend. That I'm so sorry that I did it. But that my sight for the future is pristine and it includes me being with you. I hope you forgive me. Because I love you.

Love,

By.

To Byron Pike:

From: Jeff Schafer

Subject: Re: My epiphany this weekend.

By-

I got your email. Thank you for telling me.

Can I take a few days to process all this?

Love,

Jeff

To: Jeff Schafer

From: Byron Pike

Subject: Re: My epiphany this weekend.

Jeff

Take all the time you need.

Love,

Byron.