Friday November 27

Thanksgiving at Ducky's was warm and inviting and it was so nice to be together when it didn't involve a case. But Gibbs could tell, even if Abby was too happy to notice and McGee too unobservant, that a dangerous tension boiled under the surface between Tony and Ziva. They sat across from each other and normally he'd have to break up those darn eye conversations that shut out the rest of the world, but tonight that never happened because Ziva spent half the time steadfastly avoiding Tony's heavy, sad gaze and the other half doing her best to pretend that nothing was wrong. Whatever they were fighting about he hoped they got over it, because a whole day of the silent treatment was more than Gibbs could take.

Unfortunately they didn't get over it. Friday was a paperwork day and Tony found himself with a lot of time to think. Ziva kept busy doing photocopying and filing, admitting evidence, running errands back and forth to the lab and Autopsy and the squadroom - anything so she didn't have to sit at her desk for eight hours and feel her husband's eyes watching and waiting for the right time to strike. The game lasted all day and when they arrived home Ziva moved towards the bathroom, but Tony caught her arm.

"Sit down."

She twisted away. "Tony, I-"

"Ziva," he said loudly, over her objection, "sit down."

Taken aback she sank onto the couch. Tony went into the kitchen and took several minutes to make coffee for himself and tea for her. Bringing the mugs back he handed one to Ziva and took the opposite cushion. After a single swallow he wiped his mouth and leveled a serious gaze at her. "It's time to tell me what's going on."

She fidgeted and looked away, but he waited her out. Finally Ziva leaned back and pulled one knee up. "I don't know what to say."

Tony shook his head. "Not good enough. Try starting with why you've been shutting me out since Sunday, the real reason you didn't come to our basketball game, why you won't let me see what you're drawing or look into my eyes long enough for me to guess what's wrong." He blew out a breath. "And why you get frustrated with me when I won't let us have sex even though you're not ready to go that far and we both know it." He paused and shrugged. "That's the important stuff."

Ziva took a tentative sip of tea and sighed. "I suppose I am...mourning a loss, and it seems as if the world is conspiring to remind me of everything I cannot have." She ran slender fingers through her straightened hair. "And you remind me of it too, because whenever I look at you I see what we have lost. Then there is the children. My heart aches when we are with them, it is proof of what we are missing, and I...do not want to feel the hurt anymore."

Tony closed his eyes. "Oh Ziva."

She got up and walked away, coming back with the sketchpad and tossing it in the space between them. "Look."

He was slow in extending his hand for the book and purposely did not open to the first page, but the second, remembering what she'd said a week ago about wanting his portrait to herself. The following pages were full of fractured images - baby fingers curled around an adult one, tiny crocheted booties, a handful of children's toys scattered in a corner, lips pressed to a sleeping infant's forehead. Tony could easily imagine what she hadn't shown - that it was her finger a baby grasped or her arms that cradled the child.

Then came a family drawn from the back, walking down a familiar street as the sun slowly set in the sky, mother and father each holding a small hand as a toddler took uncertain steps between them. The detail was amazing, it was undeniably them even if features were shaded out, and he'd be astounded at her skill if he couldn't also feel the despair and heartbreak that leapt out of the picture. He stopped there and closed the cover, unable to look any more. He cleared his throat. "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

She shrugged. "I do not plan what to draw. This last week it has been pouring out of my soul and I cannot stop it."

His eyebrows rose. "Are you going to try to avoid kids forever so it doesn't hurt?" That would put a damper on things.

"No," Ziva answered quietly, "not forever. But I just need some space and time away." She traced the rim of her mug. "I know we cannot have sex right now Tony, but that does not stop the longing in my heart to be surrounded in your love that way." Her eyebrows drew together and she looked up. "It hurt, what you said last night about Israel and Somalia, that we cannot be intimate until they are discussed. Did you mean it?"

Tony set the drawing pad on the coffeetable and scooted close enough to hold her hand. "Yes. You never talk about it Zi. You dream about it, you flash back to it, you react to it, but you've barely told me anything." He rubbed his thumb over the spot where her wedding ring belonged. "This has been on my mind all day honey and I think..." he hesitated "...I think we should see someone."

Her eyes widened. "You want to go to a...professional?"

He rolled his shoulders. "Want might be too strong of a word." Tony put his mug on the floor and took her hand in both of his. "But you won't talk to me about what happened and you need to talk to someone. We both do."

The suggestion was a blow to Ziva and shook her confidence in their relationship. He thought this was something they couldn't handle on their own, which was terrifying. Before the summer they had only ever needed each other and now... She swallowed reflexively. "What will happen if I say no?" But she was really asking if he would leave her should she refuse to get help.

He invaded her space and touched her cheek. "I keep my promises Zi. I love you and I never want to hurt you, but as difficult as the subject is, no isn't an option this time." Tony lifted her hand and pressed his lips to her palm. "It's not a failure to admit we're in over our heads, okay? I just want us to be the best we can be, and for that we need to wade through the tough stuff first."

The weight on Ziva's soul pressed down heavier and she shifted to fit her body against his. Tony's arms came around her, holding her close. With this decision everything was about to change and Ziva had never dreaded anything more. She didn't want to go back. But more than that she wanted to protect Tony. There were so many things a husband should never have to hear.

NCIS

Hours later Tony woke to Ziva's restless movements and sighed. He reached over and touched her shoulder, intending to shake her awake. But the instant his skin made contact with hers Ziva rolled on top of him, straddling his body with her knees, one hand holding his arm down on the bed and the other at his throat. Her expression was fierce, full of hatred and anger, and she pressed down with enough force to constrict his airway.

In the split second he had to think, Tony's mind was racing for a way out. He was strong enough to overpower her, but she'd reacted this way because she already felt threatened and he didn't want to make it worse. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist and eased her grip a bit, but Ziva's eyes flashed and she spat something at him in what Tony guessed was Arabic, her jaw clenched and wild hair framing her face in a way he would've thought attractive is she wasn't currently a threat.

Finally he made a decision and flipped them over as gently as he possibly could. Ziva panicked at being trapped and flailed blindly, trying to fight him off, so he called her name. "Zi. Zi come on, it's me, it's Tony. Wake up," he pleaded, "please wake up."

She blinked and slowly he saw clarity return to her gaze. Immediately he moved away, watching her carefully. Ziva seemed confused and ran her eyes over him. Seeing the red mark on his neck, her mouth fell open and she retreated to the end of the bed. "What did I do?"

Tony wanted to go to her but couldn't tell if she would accept his close proximity. He forced a chuckle and a half-grin. "Your reflexes are pretty good ninja, one touch and you were ready to take me out."

Her hand came up to cover her mouth and tears filled her eyes. "Oh no."

He got a little closer but she nearly fell off the bed and scrambled up, her back against the wall. "Hey, it's okay sweetheart, it was a joke."

Trembling fingers reached towards his neck. "I tried to hurt you."

Tony caught her hand and wouldn't let her take it back. "Not your fault honey, you didn't know who I was."

Ziva pushed shaking hands into her hair, clearly distraught. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

He pulled her into his chest. "It's okay. I'm okay honey. Shh." He rubbed her back gently and finally let go enough to look into her eyes. "I've never seen a reaction that violent. What was the dream about?"

She returned to her place at the wall, staring down at her hands, debating on what she could tell. "I got free once, when they were torturing me. There were only two of them and I thought maybe...but then the other one hit me with his gun. And I paid for my defiance." Ziva rubbed her wrists, lost in a memory he could too clearly see. "That was the last time they used the handcuffs."

Tony brushed back her hair, surprised she'd shared so easily. "I'm sorry."

Ziva swallowed but said nothing. He didn't want to hear that she should never have let herself be taken alive. That she wished she'd died before he ever had to see her this way. And that nothing could be worse than never being able to forget.

They stood apart for a long time before he took her hand and gently tugged her back to bed. Ziva's instinct was to sleep as far from him as possible, maybe even the couch if that would keep her husband safe from the nightmares, but Tony wasn't giving up so easily. He spooned up behind her the moment they lay down, his arms encircling her in a protective gesture. She didn't want him so close, didn't want to worry that he'd suffer for what she might see when she closed her eyes. After the way she'd reacted tonight, Ziva now knew he wasn't safe even when she hid the truth of the summer from him. And that in itself gave the idea of seeing a counselor more credibility, though the dread building in her heart made her wish there could be another option.

But despite all the thoughts and fears swirling around in her head, Ziva felt she owed Tony something for her behaviour this week and slid her hand under her cheek, trying to relax in his embrace. Soon his low voice could be heard over the things crowding her mind and she recognized the song from one of his movies. Gradually the peaceful melody drowned out her fears and before she knew it sleep was edging in again. Ziva could only hope that this time there would be no dreams.

NCIS

Saturday November 28

Brent sent the frisbee towards Ryan in a nice easy curve and just before he reached out for it, Cody jumped up and snatched the blue disc out of the air, wagging his tail proudly. Ryan propped his hands on his hips. "Cody!" he scolded. "That was my turn." The dog sat and did his best to smile with the frisbee in his teeth and Ryan rubbed his head, giving up on being bothered. "Good catch boy."

Walking over, Brent took the frisbee from his dog. "This isn't always about you pal." Cody barked and dragged a paw down his master's jeans. Brent rolled his eyes. "You think you're so lovable."

Ryan scratched behind the dog's ears. "Cody's my second favourite pet," he announced.

"Oh yeah?" Brent asked, eyebrows rising. "Who's the first?"

"Gram and Grampa's dog Sergeant." Ryan shrugged. "But he's old and he doesn't play like Cody. He just wants to lay and be petted."

"Well, Cody loves all the extra attention, trust me."

Ryan found a stick on the ground and waved it to see if Cody was interested. The dog was on his feet in an instant and ready to go. Pulling his arm back, the boy flung the stick and watched his furry friend race after it. "Do all the kids get to come on Saturdays?" he asked when Cody came back and dropped the stick at his feet.

Brent stuck his hands in his pockets. "Nope."

Ryan looked at him in surprise. "Really?"

He ruffled Ryan's sandy blond hair. "Really. You and your mom are pretty special buddy."

His eyes lit up. "Wow."

Brent touched his shoulder. "But we should probably keep Saturdays just between us. I wouldn't want the others to feel left out."

Ryan nodded solemnly. "Okay. When's Cody coming to practice again?"

Brent smiled. "Maybe next week. We'll have to see."

They headed back to the bench and CJ looked up from her book. "Having fun boys?" For reasons she wasn't ready to explore, she was glad to give Ryan and Brent the chance to bond.

Ryan dropped beside her. "Coach said we're the only ones who get to come to the park. Isn't that cool?"

She smiled indulgently. "Very cool monkey." Glancing down, she saw Cody sitting by her feet. "Don't look at me furball, I can't throw." CJ nudged her son. "I think your buddy still wants to play."

The little boy jumped up. "Come on Cody, I'll race you." The word 'race' was all the golden retriever needed to hear and they took off towards the treeline fifty feet away.

Brent sank into his spot on the other side of the bench. "Maybe they'll wear each other out."

CJ chuckled. "Not likely. Kids and dogs somehow have unlimited energy that does not extend to the adults responsible for them."

He leaned back. "Well, at least they're having fun." He glanced down at the novel on her lap. "Good book?"

A smile claimed her lips. "Yes. She's one of my favourite authors." She tilted her head. "Do you read? For fun I mean."

Brent rested his ankle over his knee. "Usually I'm reading school papers or sports and health stuff for my class. But I've been known to enjoy a good mystery now and then."

"Ryan loves books," CJ shared. "I've been reading to him since he was born. It's nice to see him in social situations now. I'm all for reading, but kids need friends too."

"The basketball group is great for that. Often the kids stay for a couple years. I've seen friendships form there that last them into high school. It's pretty neat to watch."

She fiddled with her ponytail. "I'm glad it's not only the kids making new friends."

Brent stretched his arm out on the back of the bench, not quite close enough to touch her. "Yeah," he shared quietly, watching boy and dog tear back and forth across the grass, "me too."

NCIS

The commotion of a full house and a crowded dinner table Saturday night was a good distraction for Ziva's restless thoughts. "Pass the mashed potatoes please." "Hey Swish, you're hogging the dressing." "Mom, do I have to have turnip?" "Ew, Alec! You got cranberry drips on my peas!" and many other exchanges marked the beginning of the meal.

Then Adrian made an announcement. "I'm not having salad."

Cassie, having just gotten her kids settled, sighed. "Adrian, the salad is mandatory. I don't care if the only time you ever see it is when you're here, but you will eat healthy in my house."

"But-but," he spluttered, "it's green." She cut her eyes to Alec and McKenna, now paying too much attention to the adult conversation. Tony kicked his old roommate under the table and he coughed. "Oh, uh, right. I mean, green food, yay. Love it." But the face he made when Mark deposited a small pile of salad on his plate made a liar out of his words.

"More gravy down here when you have a minute," Darien requested from the other end near Cassie.

Jordan eyed his plate skeptically. "Your poor turkey is already drowning. Where are you going to put more?"

Darien dug a hole in the pile of mashed potatoes and grinned. "Need lava for my volcano."

Mark laughed out loud. "What are you, six?"

He shrugged and across the table Allie smiled. "Thank you so much for having all of us Cassie." It was the first year the whole group had been present for the Thanksgiving get-together.

"It's my pleasure. Honestly, we love having you guys here." She chuckled. "And it's a lot less work for me when everyone brings part of the meal."

Brent glanced over at Ziva. "These rolls are amazing. How did you make them so light?"

The corners of her lips curved up. "It is an old family recipe." She arched one eyebrow. "I am impressed by your cranberry sauce."

"What?" he joked. "You don't think guys can cook?"

Ziva shrugged and Tony threw on a grin. "What she means is that my cooking has often left her with the impression that guys can't be trusted in the kitchen." He tugged her hair. "I'm only allowed in there with supervision." His attempt at lightheartedness was bought by the rest of them, but the shadow in his wife's eyes suggested he wasn't making anything better as far as they were concerned. He knew bringing up counseling would be a challenge and he was paying for it today. Sitting beside him at the table was as close as they'd been all day. If she kept it up, Mark would get wind that something was wrong. And Cassie had already sent Ziva a couple of looks that hinted at a conversation she wanted to have. They'd picked a really bad day to not be getting along.

"I have to say Allie, I was never a huge fan of turnip," Adrian commented. "But yours makes me think twice about it."

The blonde coloured a bit and leaned into her fiancé. "Jordan did all the hard work."

He rolled his eyes. "We shared turnip duty, but the way it tastes is all her."

"Compliments on the turkey Cass," Tony put in. "I'm not sure I've ever had it so moist before."

"Yes, you did great," Mark grinned at his wife.

She accepted the praise with only a smile and pointed her fork around the group. "Now for the homework assignment. At the end of the meal everyone gets to say one thing they're thankful for and why, so keep that in mind because we will be asking."

Brent looked at the people lining both sides of the table. "That shouldn't be hard. I can think of ten reasons right here in this room."

Cassie's eyes softened. "Just for that, you get an extra piece of pie."

"Strawberry-rhubarb, right?" he asked hopefully. Pumpkin had never been one of his favourites.

Conversation drifted after that as everyone enjoyed the meal and the company. As soon as Alec and McKenna had nothing on their plates they got antsy, so the 'I'm Thankful For...' list was started early. Answers ranged from friends and jobs, to significant others and a place to call home. The kids, of course, added things like favourite dolls and baseball cards, before they were dismissed to go hang out with Cody, who'd been exiled to the basement with his own treats so he wouldn't beg at the table. Slowly the group finished up and clearing the table, washing and drying dishes, and packing away leftovers in their respective containers became a combined effort. Then they all retired to the family room and got comfortable on couches and chairs and the floor, when there was no room left anywhere else.

Somewhere along the line Ziva had sensed Cassie's desire to speak with her privately, so she made a point to avoid being alone with her and giving the other woman an opening to ask. Instead she looked around the room and took a seat by Brent. "There is a rumour floating around that you met someone. Is this true?"

Brent seemed to be trying hard not to grin. "Uh...yeah, it's true."

She gathered her hair to one side. "When?"

"About a month and a half ago. Her son is-" He cut himself off and his gaze darted away. "I mean..."

Ziva ducked her head, attempting to catch his eyes. "Is something wrong?"

Brent sighed. "I haven't really given details yet."

Her eyes widened hopefully. "I am very good at secrets."

He groaned at the expression she was wearing. "You're just as bad as my dog." Giving up, he crossed his arms. "Her name's CJ. Her son comes to my basketball practice."

"She is a single mom?" Funny that was what Tony had suggested many weeks ago now.

He shrugged. "That's the impression I get. We don't know each other well enough yet to get into all the details, but...I'm hoping."

Ziva lay her hand on his arm. "You are a kind and generous man Brent. A woman would be very lucky to be chosen by you."

"Thanks." Ready for the focus to be off him, he turned the tables on her.

Ziva managed to side step any direct questions about she and Tony by sharing a recent anecdote at work and then suddenly having to move on when Darien was free. Dropping gracefully into the free chair next to him, she leaned over. "I have heard many things about my husband and his friends in college. But tell me, what is your favourite story?"

Pleased to have been singled out, since being a quieter sort he usually faded more into the background, Darien grinned and enthusiastically recounted an incident from their first year when he and Tony, of course, had snuck into each room at the end of the hall and plastic wrapped the other guys to their beds. They were ready when alarms went off with polaroid cameras and gleeful grins. He laughed. "That set off the great prank war of '92. It lasted for almost a month, until the RA put a stop to it because he was afraid someone was going to get hurt." Darien shook his head. "I think that was one of the things that really bonded us. Revenge was fun, but the friendships cemented because of the war were worth so much more."

After that Ziva drifted over to talk to Adrian, who was regaling a few of them with a story about doing a photoshoot at a senior citizen's center. He laughed when it was over. "I think I now have like, fifty new grandmas. They all thought I was 'so cute' and I must've heard, 'isn't he an adorable boy?' about twenty times." Adrian rolled his eyes. "It was fun though."

Tony hooked an arm around his neck and rubbed his knuckles over Adrian's head. "They were right about one thing Zip, you are adorable." That spawned an impromptu wrestling match until Cassie threatened to hand out chores as punishment for fighting, and they all calmed down a bit. Ziva found a cozy couch corner beside the lovebirds and asked as many questions as she could think of about their wedding and how the plans were coming. But even as she managed to integrate herself everywhere else, she was careful not to spend time close to her husband, or in a place she could be cornered by Cassie or Mark, who'd begun to watch her a little more carefully when she joined her third group without so much as a glance at the husband who was fruitlessly saving a place for her at his side.

Once supper settled, Alec and McKenna had enough of being indoors and came running upstairs with Cody, begging to be allowed to go outside. Cassie supervised the donning of enough layers to combat the cold, including scarves, hats, and mitts, and then let her kids loose in their large backyard. Since the windows in the family room looked out on the yard, she could easily keep an eye on them and still spend time with her friends. More than once a member of the group drifted over to the windows to watch Alec toss a ball for Cody or see McKenna being exuberantly licked after he'd found her during a round of hide and seek. Over an hour passed before they dragged back in, worn out but smiling like they'd had the best day ever.

A tradition on Thanksgiving was to watch a heartwarming, family friendly movie, and this year the guys had voted on A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, mostly because the kids would probably enjoy it more than anything else they had in mind. Couples all began gravitating together when the opening music played, the three bachelors stretched out on the floor with bean bag chairs and body pillows and Alec in the middle, and though Ziva had successfully kept her contact with the children at a minimum all afternoon, McKenna climbed up on the couch and cuddled against her.

At a loss for what to do, Ziva didn't move for several seconds and Tony looked over her shoulder, wondering how she'd handle this development. Then the girl looked up and whispered, "I love you Aunt Ziva. I'm so glad we're all here together," and she had no choice. She put an arm around McKenna's shoulders and rested the other on her knee, surrounding the girl in a warm, comforting embrace.

Across the room on the loveseat Cassie watched the moment and hesitated, wondering if she should bring McKenna over to sit with them. Aware of what she thought was going on, Mark pulled her close and put his mouth by her ear. "Ziva's got to work this out for herself Cass, don't give her an easy out." Still unsure, Cassie settled back to rest on her husband's broad chest and tried to enjoy the movie, but her attention was split the entire time.

After McKenna claimed the spot beside her, Ziva's ability to focus on the movie evaporated. She spent the entire time watching the little girl more than anything else, smiling when she laughed, breathing in the scent of fresh air that clung to her hair and clothes, holding her and allowing herself to imagine just for an hour what it would be like to love and be loved this way. Near the end she gently brushed back a few flyaway curls and rested her cheek on McKenna's hair, feeling as if her heart was breaking when the child curled up and leaned into her chest, the same way any little one would do with their mother. For Cassie that moment stuck and it told her everything she needed to know about the change in Ziva's behaviour since Halloween, and gave a glimpse into what was going on in her head.

The evening ended with a lot of hugs and promises of meeting at the community center at two the following afternoon, since that was the earliest spot they'd been able to reserve. Mark and Cassie stood at the door watching everyone leave and couldn't help but notice the space between Tony and Ziva as they walked to the car. Mark closed the door and looked back at her. "Did things seemed strained with them tonight?"

Cassie nodded. "Ziva couldn't seem to settle. She wouldn't let me get close enough to ask, and Tony watched her the whole time like he was missing his favourite person. You need to talk to him tomorrow."

"I will." Mark took any signs of things being wrong with his friends very seriously, knowing what they were facing. "And Ziva?"

Cassie stared out the window. "No matter how it goes down, tomorrow I'm getting to the bottom of this."

NCIS

Sunday November 29

Tony strolled into the gym at five minutes to two and Cassie pounced on him. "Where's Ziva?"

He immediately looked guarded. "At home. Studying."

Cassie crossed her arms. "So she's avoiding us now?"

Tony snorted. "You just saw her last night."

Her eyes narrowed. "What I saw was her doing her best to stay away anyone who might confront her about why she was so Adrian-like and unable to hold still, or why she barely looked at her husband the entire night. Care to share?"

He rubbed the back of his neck. "This is usually Mark's job Cass."

"For you," she corrected. "It's my turn to be the same for Ziva."

Tony hesitated. "She's really private. That might not be a good idea."

"You and I both know someone's got to do it, and you've been shouldering most of the load since all this started. Please Dante, let me help."

He winced. "Who told you my middle name?"

She chuckled and lifted an eyebrow. "Married to your best friend from college. We have no secrets."

Tony huffed. "That was...he swore he wouldn't tell!"

Cassie frowned. "Why is it so embarrassing?"

He scuffed his shoe on the ground. "It just is."

"Mark tried up and down to convince me that the 'D' really stood for Dynamo, because that's what you were on the court, but I wouldn't buy it. Do you know what it means?"

Tony shook his head. "Used to have this card from my mom that explained it, but that got lost a long time ago."

Cassie put her hand on his chest. "Firm, resolute. It tells of a man who will endure and persevere. I think you got exactly the name you needed Anthony DiNozzo."

He took in the information and nodded slowly. "Maybe." Sighing, Tony gave in. "Go if you want to Cass, but don't expect a warm welcome. She won't appreciate being interrogated."

"I've learned a lot about her in the last couple months. Trust me."

"Yeah, well...I'd rather it be you than anyone else." Without another word he joined the guys and Cassie only stopped long enough to leave Allie in charge of her children, who were busy reading and colouring respectively while they waited for the game to start. She caught Mark's eyes on the way out and he nodded, aware of her plans.

During the fifteen minute drive to Tony and Ziva's house with her Mark-dictated directions taped to the dashboard, Cassie carefully planned what she wanted to say, and prayed that Ziva would be able to hear her instead of just shutting her out. She parked in the driveway, made her way up the walk, and knocked on the door. A puzzled looking Ziva answered the door a couple minutes later and Cassie wondered vaguely how long she'd stood there before deciding to let her in. "Cassie? Is something wrong?"

She nodded slowly. "May I come in?"

Ziva stood aside and indicated that she could enter, then stood rather awkwardly, as if unsure where to go from here. After awhile she bit her lip. "Can I get you something to drink? We have coffee, tea, and hot chocolate."

Relief filled Cassie, it was a start. "I'd love a cup of tea, thank you Ziva."

The other woman filled the kettle and turned it on, then got out mugs, spoons, tea bags, sugar, and milk. Cassie took the time to look around carefully. This was her first time to their house and she wished it was under different circumstances. She heard the click of the kettle shutting off and then water being poured and turned. "You have a lovely place Ziva."

She glanced over. "Thank you. We have...worked very hard to make it home."

Something about the word seemed significant and Cassie looked a little closer. "Is this the first one you've had?"

Ziva hadn't expected the insight. She stirred her tea slowly. "I had a home until my mother died, then it was never the same. As an adult, yes, this is the first."

"And the only I hope," Cassie put in.

"Yes." There was wistfulness in Ziva's tone, something she hoped to address.

Ziva pushed the purple mug towards her and Cassie added milk and sugar until it was just right. "Can we sit?"

The couch was gestured to and both women got comfortable. Ziva stared hard into her mug and finally met Cassie's eyes. "Why are you here?"

"Because I saw the way you held my daughter last night, and I need to know if that has anything to do with why you're not with Tony at the gym today, and why you didn't come last week either."

Ziva set her mug down with a bang on the coffee table, causing hot liquid to slosh onto the newspaper underneath. "I have to study. The test is very important."

Cassie watched her. "This is important too Ziva, or you wouldn't be angry that I'm asking. Please, if I can help in any way...even just listening-"

Ziva stood up abruptly and moved away. "You cannot. And I do not want to talk."

"Maybe you need to."

Shock briefly entered the other woman's eyes, as if she'd never expected someone to have the audacity to confront her. "Why does everyone always want me to talk? You, Ducky, Tony, my aunt. It will not fix anything!"

Cassie sighed. "No, but when you share a burden with someone who cares, you no longer have to carry it all alone." She sipped her tea to give them both a moment of time. "Is this related to what you told me a few weeks ago, about you and Tony?"

Ziva remembered a shattering plate and an hour alone with Moses absorbing her tears. She turned to face the wall, her back to Cassie. "I do not...want to talk about it." The next thing she knew Cassie's hand was on her back and she grew rigid, working so hard to keep it all in.

"Ziva, locking yourself away will not make it hurt any less. I've seen you with my children, the way you look at them and interact with them, and I can imagine what it is like to-"

She whirled around. "No! You cannot!" came her vehement retort. "You have two beautiful children Cassie. You cannot possibly imagine what it is like to long for something so bad that you cannot have! My husband would be a wonderful father. Have you watched him with your children? I know what he wants, and nothing hurts more than not being able to give that to him."

"Oh Ziva." Cassie closed her eyes and took a breath, focusing. "Have you never seen the way Tony looks at you? You're his whole world. He loves you in a tender, beautiful way. You're his heart, his home, his best friend. His whole world is wrapped up in you and his joy is in being with you. Even if he wants something neither of you can have, that doesn't change the way he feels about you."

Tears leaked down Ziva's cheeks and she scrubbed them away. "But it was my choice. And it cannot be undone."

Cassie put her arms around Ziva even though she knew the woman would find no comfort in the gesture. "What do you mean it was your choice?"

Ziva shook her head and weighed how much to share. She did not want them to know her past. "I grew up in a war zone. I served in the army. I was not expected to live this long, never supposed to grow old enough to want a family. So that option was taken away. I never foresaw a day when I would regret that decision, but now I would give anything to change it."

Sensing that there was more to the story, Cassie nonetheless accepted the explanation. "You were fine with the kids before. What changed?"

Tired of standing, Ziva returned to the couch and wiped her mug with a kleenex before drinking some tea. "A woman can lose her period because of starvation, but Tony did not know that. He brought it up last week when he realized it had not come since I have been home." She passed a hand over her eyes, knowing how much she was about to give away. "He was afraid...that my captors might have-"

That was enough and Cassie covered her mouth. "Oh no. Ziva-"

The other woman held up one hand. "Please do not." She swallowed. "I got very angry, because we do our best to never bring up the topic. It hurts too much. That was Saturday night, and I could not bear to be around the children with everything so close. Then this week there was a case at work involving a young girl..." She lifted her hands and let them drop. "I cannot get away from it no matter what I do."

"You're right," Cassie said finally, "I can't imagine what that hurt is like. But kids aren't going to go away and you can't just avoid them because the subject it too painful. I am sorry for what you and Tony are missing out on, but Ziva, Alec and McKenna love you. In such a short time they've added you to the people they consider family without reservation. Please don't take away from them the aunt they're only just getting to know."

Sorrow etched itself onto Ziva's features. "I am not...I did not mean..." She shook her head. "Everything is a mess."

"You and Tony?" she asked gently.

One shoulder lifted and dropped. "We are in a disagreement."

That wasn't enough information to explain the change in both of them. "May I ask what it's about?"

She curled her body into the corner of the couch. "Tony wants to go to see a therapist together. I would rather not."

"Maybe it would help," Cassie suggested.

Ziva sat straight up, eyes flashing. "It would only bring up bad memories that need to stay buried."

"From when you were away?"

Her posture slumped. "Did Tony tell you that I was going to leave him?"

Cassie's mouth fell open. "No. What happened?"

She looked away, focusing on a picture on the wall. "May was very bad for us last year and I wanted to get away, wanted space from him and everything I thought was going on. I thought Tony had betrayed me, but I was wrong. By the time I realized that it was too late, I was captured and I thought I was going to die without ever telling him I was sorry, or saying 'I love you' one more time." She rubbed her forehead. "I said some very hurtful things when I was angry Cassie, Tony did not deserve them. So you see, there is more than just my captivity keeping us apart."

"Do you want it to get better?" Her soft voice caught Ziva's attention and sad brown eyes met caring blue ones.

"Yes," she whispered, "more than anything."

"Then you know what you need to do."

"I can't!" Ziva pleaded with her to understand. "I did not have to say very much and you already know some of what they did. But it is much, much worse. Tony has guessed that part already, I want to protect him from the rest. He should not have to hear what I suffered. He already blames himself, thinking that if I had come home with him I would have been safe. He believes it is his fault, and I do not want to make the guilt worse."

Cassie leaned forward and rested her palm on Ziva's knee. "Husbands are built to protect, to rescue, to solve problems. Shutting him out is not going to let him do any of that." She searched for the right words. "You are keeping so many secrets Ziva, weighing yourself down with all these burdens, but you're not just you anymore, it's two become one and you're in this together. The things you are hiding are dark and painful and I'm sure some of it makes you feel ashamed, but the only way for any of it to ease it to share it. Share it with Tony, share it with someone who can help you work through everything that's piling up because you don't talk about it. But please Ziva, don't lose him over this. You know what you need to do, even if it's the hardest thing you've ever done. Say yes," she whispered, "take the first step and say yes."

She'd heard the same advice a hundred different ways in the last two months, but something about this particular time finally got through, and the walls she'd been desperately building high enough to protect all her secrets slowly began crumbling away. When Tony got home two hours later, she looked straight into his eyes and told him she was willing to try.

Replies:

RD - Thanks :) Me too, but they will work through it just like they have everything else. The doctor's visit was a formality to make T feel better, Ducky's been keeping close enough tabs on Z to know what her state of health is. haha...the last line of your review made me laugh. Thanks for reviewing! :)

Sarah - you're welcome :) Yeah, me neither. haha...I know, right? How does that make sense? Get us hooked and then complain about the fuss we're making when they mess with everything they spent years building our loyalty to. Tactless is a good word. I just really hope what we're doing makes a difference. Thanks :) I'm glad you enjoyed it. More of B&CJ to come, they feature quite heavily into Ch 12. Well, I forgot until I started writing the episode that Z would have to shoot a gun and she hadn't even held one in months. So hence the practice. But it does make her feel better for herself. Really? You know how to shoot? I've always wanted to try but my aim with a bow and arrow isn't all that accurate, so probably no one should be giving me a gun :P At the moment the kids thing is festering but when it's had time to settle and they've worked through some of their more serious issues, the subject will come up again. At this point we're a couple months away from them more seriously talking about what their other options are. Thanks for reviewing Sarah!