Letting Go

The girls were asleep. She used the time to get some laundry done. With this mission accomplished, she went downstairs to find John. He was sitting on the sofa reading a medical journal as soothing sounds emanated softly from a music channel on cable TV. She quietly sat down next to him and pulled her legs up so her bare feet rested on the sofa cushion. She wrapped her arms around her knees. Noticing her presence, he looked up. Now that she had his attention, she asked "Are you okay?"

"What?" he asked, surprised by the question.

"You seemed off all day today, distracted. Are we too much? Do you need us to go to a hotel?" Deb concernedly asked.

"No. No, it's not you." John replied.

Deb bit her lip. "What's wrong?" she asked, apprehensive of her friend's mood.

He spoke with great difficulty. He wanted to talk with her about it, but getting the words out, were another matter. "I got a letter today…from Kem."

"How is she?" Deb asked with a fair amount of trepidation.

"She's um… she's pregnant." He smacked his lips together, "and now our divorce is final… so she's getting married…to this guy…Michel." He hung his head low.

"Who's that?"

He drew a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "She told me they were old friends, but I knew they seemed like more than that. She was seeing him when I went back to Paris. Even though we got married" he shook his head, "she never really stopped. I think he's the real reason she never came back to Africa." The hurt he felt was clearly evident in his voice.

"And now he'll be having the family with her that you wanted." Deb tenderly stated.

He nodded his head slowly, "Pretty much."

She made a face as she carefully considered what to say and do next. Releasing her arms from around her knees she scooted up close to him, putting her arm around the back of his neck and resting her hand on his shoulder. She leaned her face close to his ear. "I know it hurts like hell" she whispered. "You love her and wanted to make her happy by giving her those things."

His nod barely registered, but the pain was evident in his eyes as he winced.

"And you wanted her to make you happy by giving you those same things in return" Deb continued in a soft, low voice. Again he nodded, his face expressing his anguish. "The thing about love is that you should want to make her happy however you can…and John… you did make her happy."

He responded with great sorrow, "I made her miserable. Every time she looked at me, it reminded her of Joshua. Every time she looked at me, she relived that loss."

"But you also freed her from that. You let her go and now she's able to love and be a wife and a mother… That's a gift you've given her. That letter wasn't meant to hurt you John. That letter is a thank you."

He turned and looked at his friend, his comforter, taking a moment to process her words. "I hadn't thought about it like that." Exhaling, he leaned his head back, resting it on the top edge of the sofa, and stared up at the ceiling. "Do you think it's still possible?" he asked in a slight change of subject.

"Do I think what's still possible?"

"I'm 39…and…" he tried to express his fear, but the words wouldn't surface out his mouth.

Despite the unspoken nature of his concern, Deb knew what he was getting at. She'd been there herself. "Yeah, you've got to focus on the good things and not let that drive you crazy." She tried her best to be helpful.

He sat up and faced her, "That's what you do."

She nodded. "Getting pretty good at it now, it only took years."

"Okay Voice of Experience, how do I do this?"

She smiled sweetly. "First of all, no need to be so formal, you can call me Deb" she teased. A small smile registered on his face and he gave her a little bump with his shoulder. Turning serious again, she continued "and know that a lot of what you want, you already have… right here in this house."

She took his hand and played with it as she spoke. "Look, I know it's not the same thing, but you made it possible for me to be a mother and that has made me very happy."

"Deb" he sighed, signaling his agreement that it wasn't the same thing.

"Let me finish… It's not the traditional way of having a family, but in some ways its similar and you should try and find fulfillment in those things. Yeah, it wasn't a decision we made together, but we each made the same decision. I mean, at one point you decided to donate your sperm to me. At another point, I decided to use it… Those girls upstairs are here because we made that decision. Even though we're not together in a way that most people would understand, those girls are as much yours as they are mine. They're happy to have you as a father and will be thrilled to let you in on as much of their lives as you want to be involved in… and I will do my best to make that happen, for them, and for you… It's why we're here now."

He looked at her as he pondered her words. He did enjoy the girls and he loved having them in Chicago. He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it lightly. She gave his a shy smile. He reminded her, "But we do live in different countries, and they are half a world apart."

"Skype, it's the next best thing to being there… and while you may think Chicago and Tianjin are a half a world apart, I happen to know they're just 3 connecting flights apart."

"But it's not the same thing as actually being together" he insisted.

"Focus on what's right, John. Put the rest of it out of your mind, don't think about it."

He nodded his head. "No guarantees."

She agreed. "I still struggle with it sometimes myself. It takes time and discipline. It can be a real challenge at times." Hesitantly, she went somewhere quite personal, a dark place that exposed her lonely world. "Two days a year, I let the wrong things get to me. I spend a night crying into my pillow and the next day, I pick up the pieces and get on with my life… such as it is."

Somehow, he found it comforting to know that she was already walking the same road he was on. Just like when they were med students together, she was there to share the tips and tricks she had already learned. Just as when he was med student, he appreciated the information she was willing to share with him. He knew it wasn't something she would do for just anybody.

A small smile arose on his lips. "I missed you. I missed this." He leaned his head on her shoulder. "Did you see this?" he asked as he held up the page he was reading. "An environment of pure oxygen at three-and-a-half times normal air pressure adds significantly to the effectiveness of a natural compound already shown to kill cancerous cells."

"Wow, no, I didn't" she replied tilting the page for a better look.

Head still resting on her shoulder, he read the article's highlights to her. The conversation turned to a medical nature as the friends moved forward with their unconventional, non-traditional lives.