Tsarmina was calmy sleeping in her massive ass king sized bed, cuddling a doll as she snoozed happily. The door creaked open and Brogg pooked his head in, whispering,
"Yer majesty!" No answer. The cat simply turned away from the weasel. "Yer majeesty!" Still no answer.
"Oh f(bleep) this- WAKE UP CAT!" The wild cat queen shot up into the ceiling with a yell, shaking madly.
"GOD DAMMIT BROGG WHAT?" A loud explosion and the sound of rocks tumbling down their walls answered her question, followed by the horrified screams of ferrets and stoats.
"Were... uh, under seige miss."
Outside the castle...
"So... lemme get this straight, you trekked all the way from here to Salamandastron?" Amber asked Martin, who had just arrived with a full ship of woodlanders and then with a stroke of luck met his old friend who for some reason knew how to make a catapult. "And then you found a ship full of slaves?"
"Yeah huh." Bella came running up to Martin, and upon roughly grabbing him by the collar of his armor she yelled,
"WHERE THE F(bleep)S MY FATHER THEN?"
"Uuuh... yeah, about that-"
Exactly two hours earlier...
Boar the fighter slashed and hacked away at rats left and right, cutting most of them into peices, and then grabbed Ripfang.
"Ripfang! How it been my ole buddy ole pal?" The badger said cheerily, slicing more rat into peices.
"Ar-"
"GIVE ME A HUG YOU FUZZY THING YOU!"
CCRRRUUUUUUUUNNNCH!
"Oh dammit I brokeded it." Then he was swarmed over by rats.
"Yeeeeeeeaaah thats what kind a happened." Martin finished, and Bella dropped him, completely speechless. Martin squeaked and rolled into a ball as the massive badger started to convulse with rage and theeen... did nothing. She simply walked away.
"Well," Gonff said, kicking a overly attached and friendly Logalog off of him. "That went better than expected."
Later Martin found himself walking up to his friend Timballisto, who watched smiling as yet another boulder smashed into the castle, several rats tumbling off the walls.
"So, you just so happen to know how to biuld a catapult?" In an instant the mouse had Martin pinned to a tree, screaming,
"ITS A GOD DAMN BALLISTA YOU STUPID SH(bleep)!" Tossing Martin to the ground the mouse stomped away, and before he could get up Logalog punches him in the face, screaming,
"SHUT UP! YOU DON'T CONTROL MY LIFE!" Then the shrew ran off crying into the forest, and Gonff couldn't help himself and fell over laughing.
"OH! That is a treat!" The mouse giggled. "TWO bipolars now!"
Skipper watched as they castle continued to be bombarded, and pretty soon he watched as weasel and rats started jumping out of the crumbling structure, swimming for their lives.
"Alright guys! Lets fish em out!" The otters started to leap into the lake and snatch vermin, and Skipper yelled one last thing before he laughed and swam in, "Save one for me! I've always wanted a pet ferret!"
Meanwhile, in the dying fortress,
"Tsarmina, we have to go!" The weasel tugged and pulled at the wild cats tail, but she refused to leave. Their plumbing has finally died, and every where the toilets were flooding.
"NO! Theres F(bleep)ing POO WATER EVERYWHERE!" The weasel face palmed and groaned.
"God dammit were gonna get-" A massive boulder smashed into the weasel with a sickening crunch, and the wildcat ripped a door of its hinges and leapt into the lake, screaming,
"OKAAAY! I'M GOING! GOD BROGG YA DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT TO GET ME TO GO! ... Brogg?"
Later...
"Ok, Ok, Ok," The freaked out wildcat said to herself as her door floated down the Rivermoss, "All I have to do is reach land and rally the troops and then-"
"Ha!" It was skippers very distant voice as he addressed the vermin prisoners, "Those soldiers weren't a problems at all, and now we've defeated them!" Tsarmina heard the distant cheers of the Redw- I mean Woodlanders.
"Well thats out." She said grimly, leaping onto the stream bank. And then she came face to face with Martin The Warrior(tm).
"Oh goody!" She clapped her paws happily, rubbing them together, "More mice to slaughter and ea- I mean bury. Yes, that what I meant. Bury them and desicrate their graves. Hehehe. Ya know, cuz were not animals..."
The mouse whipped a shiny knew sword. The cat gasped in surprise, and the mouse charged, but she called out,
"WAIT!" The mouse stopped inches from attacking her, and then stabbed his sword into the ground, tapping his footpaw. The cat pulled out a large stack of papers title "Mossflower" and paged through it.
"Ah ha! It says here that I broke your sword in chapter two!" The mouse laughed at the cat.
"I had boar make me this one off screen!"
"Oh well thats just- RRRRAAAA!" The cat lunged and slashed the mouse chain mail, making a horrific gash in his side. The mouse retorted by stabbing her paw, making the queen roar in rage and leap back.
The mouse held up his sword in a defensive posture and said one thing,
"Come at me bro." The cat roared and leapt again, this time she dodged the mouse's sword, which slashed inches from her face slicing a whisker, and grabbed him by the throat.
"Gotcha bitch!" And then she pounded the mouse against the ground and tossed him into the river, laughing madly. "Ah ha ha ha! This is the funnest and most action packed thing I've done in the whole damn series!"
Walking into the shallow water with a boastful, cocky swagger. Grinning she knelt down and grabbed the mouse by the collar of his armor, and pulled back her paw for a slash.
"Ha!" The wildcat looked behind her shoulder to see a grinning mouse. "Knock knock?"
"Whos there?" The confused cat said, and the mouse answered,
"Going in the river!"
"Going in the river? Who?" Then the wildcat gasped as the mouse's legs shot up and Martins hands hooked under her arm pits, and then he launched her into the river with a loud battle cry. Gonff watched as the cat sunk into the river with a gurgle.
"YOU!" Tsarmina felt herself sink into a swirling world of darkness, and she ponder if she'd would ever over come her fear of the Cold And Dark. ... Probably not. Cuz she's dead. Yep.
And so are three-
"WHAT ABOUT ME! I'LL KILL YOU!" Logalog screamed at nothing, while skipper groaned. Not another one like Gonff.
And so are four brave heros saved Mossflower, Kotir became Redwall, Bella died in one of the books, Lady Amber is never mentioned again I think, and Skipper Warthorn is still an awesome otter.
"GGGOOOOOOONFF!" Columbine slammed into Gonff, who scrambled to get free but couldn't, no one can escape a stalker's grip! The mouse Columbine stared into his eyes lustfully and pulled out a bottle of maple syrup, licking her lips, and the mouse thief gulped nervously.
And so you guys, I got sick of doing Mossflower and just finished it. Well, next Imma gonna do Redwall, which I know all you guys are gonna be dying for! And don't worry, I'll follow the story better in the next book.