A/N:
OH. MY.
darkwryter and LilweenGalatrass I read each of your reviews at least five times before writing this author's note. I am so, so, so grateful to you both. I am flattered and excited and so pumped for the next few chapters!
Minki, I'm excited for you to get to this chapter my dude.
DISCLAIMER: This story will contain mentions of abuse, self harm, and suicide. It will also contain mental health issues involving anxiety, depression, PTSD and other mood disorders. This fic is largely based off of my life experiences and I hope to do justice to what I and so many other people have gone through.
Chapter 11
Consequential Enough
I had been unfocused and jittery all morning while the ticking seconds hand on my wristwatch counted down to the lunch hour. 'Is he going to show up?' There were still more than 15 minutes before the class ended and I had not paid one minute of attention. The English lesson had almost concluded before my attention was drawn by the teacher calling on me to read aloud.
"Nakahara-chan, please read the closing passage for today." Sensei asked and I stood, bewildered.
Had I not been part of the tutoring group for English I would have been extremely unprepared. I supposed I was glad that it was the only subject I really excelled at.
"Yes. The first verse is: 'Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best. Try everything you can, and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away'."
I tried not to rush my words so the proper pronunciation could be heard. Our school was already behind in listening and speaking English and if the class had a difficult time understanding it would just mean more work for me on the three mornings a week I tutored. Our teacher motioned for me to sit back down before launching into the meaning of the words and instruction on our writing homework. I hoped Hajikun was paying attention so I could ask him what she had said later on because I was again watching the clock.
I looked at him then. Hajikun had always left class immediately to join Oikawa and the rest of the team in the cafeteria and I kept eyeing him to guess his intent. If Oikawa still intended on eating lunch with me surely Hajikun would have said something to me. Or perhaps Oikawa hadn't told him.
When the release for lunch was called and I shakily pulled my bento out of my bag and waited for Aoi-chan to come bounding in. My leg began to bounce uncontrollably as I saw that Hajikun was still in the classroom.
"Ma-ri-chan!"
Aoi bounded into the room swinging her lunch back and forth. She loudly pulled a desk closer to me and sat on the table top with her feet on the seat.
"Hey, doesn't broody over there usually eat in the cafe?" She hid her mouth with her hand as she whispered and pointed at Hajikun with her other.
I was about to respond when a large cluster of girls appeared outside the class door.
"Oikawa-kun are you eating in the lunchroom today?"
"Please let us sit with you!"
"I've packed an extra bento for you!"
"Walk me to the cafe Oikawa-kun?"
"Oikawa-san please accept these chocolates!"
My mouth was hanging open so far my tongue was dry. I had never been close enough to his fangirl club to hear all the commotion before and it was disorienting and shocking. Feelings of inadequacy washed over me as I took in their appearances. Many of them were skilled in highlighting their best features and the image of me standing next to them was intimidating. My fingers worried through my hair and then I turned my attention to Oikawa himself and felt so sad.
How must it feel to be valued by appearance and status over true identity? Had any of those girls approached him like a normal human being instead of a shiny trophy? I felt new appreciation for my life as a fly on the wall and new emotions toward Oikawa that made my eyes sting.
"Ladies, your requests are humbling. Of course if I had time I would fulfill them all! Today, I'm afraid I already have lunch plans. Another time, okay?"
His smile was heartbreakingly beautiful and expressed his sincerity to the crowd before him. A consolation prize for the girls he was rejecting. He gave a small wave and turned into the classroom. Our eyes locked immediately and my face exploded red. The memory of the previous day played through my mind.
"Iwa-chan! Let's trade bento's!" His hand fell onto Hajikun's shoulder and was roughly thrown off.
"Like hell, dumbass."
He got up from his desk on the opposite side of the room and joined Aoi-chan and myself, stiffly sitting next to me. Oikawa sauntered over and pushed the desk directly in front of me. The chair bumped into my table and he sat facing me and forcing me to share my desk space with him. Our lunches were inches apart and I feared opening mine and brushing hands with him.
I could see Aoi-chan giving me pointed glances that requested some sort of explanation and all I could do was silently shrug my shoulders. How could I know his reasoning for eating lunch with us?
If there had been a test on the conversation that occurred I would have failed. My eyes could barely take in the radiance in front of me. Oikawa smiled and laughed and poked fun at Hajikun. He talked with Aoi-chan often. He made eye contact with me so constantly that it wiped all memory of anything other than his face. I had to wonder if everyone felt this way when they liked someone. If they did, I had no idea how anyone ever got anything done.
But in the end I survived it and to my surprise Oikawa returned the next day. Then the next. And on and by the second week Aoi was calling him Oikawa-kun and phoning me every night to speculate as to why he was suddenly lunching with us. I had come to terms with his presence and my demeanor changed little by little. There were no more awkward moments between us when I had other people around to buffer my social deficiencies. He hand I hadn't been alone together either which made our continuous lunches all the more comfortable. Joking together, Aoi, Hajikun, Oikawa, and myself felt normal after a time. The possibility of shutting away my deeper feelings for him seemed within reach.
Until Thursday, May 30.
The school was always eerily quiet in the hour before classes started. Thursday was an unusual day for tutoring but the exams in July were looming and more students were signing up for morning sessions. It was a test of my anxiety every time I arrived early from the moment I stepped through the school gates until I arrived in the tutoring room. 'It's normal for it to be quiet. It's normal. Nothing weird is going on.'
I tried to keep my calm as I walked toward classroom five to drop my bag off before heading to tutor. The familiar routine began to ease my anxiety slightly and when I opened the door to education center I breathed a sigh of relief, seeing Matsukawa already there with the few other volunteers who worked with us.
"Mattsun." I greeted him first before saying good morning to the others.
He and I worked together most often because we had the highest scores in English but Matsukawa also helped in other areas as well.
"Hey, Naka." I smiled, hearing that he was using the volleyball club's nickname for me.
"How many people signed up today?"
"About fourteen, but you know other's tend to show up without signing up beforehand."
I sighed. It was true. People would start to become desperate for a little bit of help and with this subject in particular it was difficult to help such a large group. They all tended to be at varying levels, even those in the same grade, and everyone was below average on each of the four sections: speaking, reading, writing, and listening.
As soon as we gathered the lesson plans for each grade the doors opened and students began to file in. I felt myself become tired at the mere image of so many people but I committed to helping them, so I would.
My arms extended above my head and I stretched deeply, bringing my hands back down to rub my temples. There had been four more students who showed up unexpectedly and many were farther behind than I would have thought. It made sense, any assignments taken home would be shirked until the last minute and then filled in using the help of the internet.
"That was intense." I heard the sleepiness in my voice.
Mattsun nodded and shuffled through some papers. He pulled out the lyrics the third years were working on.
"They seem to have a lot of trouble with this."
The first verse was highlighted with notes around the edges.
"It's difficult to get the meaning of the third line. I don't know how to explain it very well either because it really sounds like the writer is saying, 'it's only in your head' and then making the statement, 'you feel left out.' But they're not actually saying that, they're speaking of how that person feels about themselves."
"We have to explain it like he's talking to one specific person and that that person felt this way before the song started."
I thought about that. It was hard for people to separate the ideas of the singer and the ideas of the subject of the song. If we could take each part that spoke about how the subject of the song was feeling and explain those separately it would be easier to explain what the singer was talking about.
"That might work. And then we could focus on the other phrases that the singer uses like, 'don't write yourself off,' because they still don't understand that no one is literally writing themselves off of anything."
Mattsun laughed and wrote down our plan for the next day. We chatted a little more about how the volleyball team was doing and how everyone had been debating on asking me for help. No one seemed brave enough.
"I'm not that scary." I mumbled.
"I don't think that's the reason they're afraid."
"What are you talking about?"
He opened his mouth to respond but the first bell rang. He smiled and left after giving me a small wave. 'Well, I'm glad it's not something I'm going to obsess over for hours.' I rolled my eyes sarcastically for no audience other than myself.
I exited the classroom and found my way to the restroom before going to class. It was unsurprisingly empty; most of the girls would use the facilities nearer to the front of the school. When I closed the door of the stall I heard bathroom door open once again. My ears picked up no other movement. 'Did they change their mind?' For some reason I smiled at what could have suddenly been more pressing than going to the bathroom.
When leaving the stall I looked around and confirmed that no one else had entered before steeling myself and turning on the water to wash my hands. The faucet had an option for hot water but all the students knew that it would come out freezing no matter how long it was left open. I took my time drying my hands to get rid of the cold and turned around to see someone waiting.
My stomach lurched and I had to fight back my breakfast. The reaction was visceral. I was again alone with a stranger who stood between myself and the door.
No, not one stranger, a group. Three girls, members of the crowd I had seen ambushing Oikawa weeks ago, blocked my escape. Blood was pumping loud in my ears and I had to concentrate hard to hear what they were saying. Flashbacks interrupted my thoughts and I tried not to hyperventilate. They had no idea how effective their surprise attack was.
"I've asked around about you. To figure out why Oikawa-kun would want to pay so much attention to you."
The shortest one was speaking but my eyes flickered to the light switch and my brain was calculating the distance from my spot by the sink to the door.
"Do you want to know what I learned?"
My attention was brought back to her. 'She couldn't have found out about…' My eyes began to sting and I blinked rapidly, trying my best to stay aware of what was going on while my body wanted to run and cower at the same time.
"I learned you're the most pathetic fan of his yet. Joining the custodial crew just for a glimpse of him. I've heard the other players talking about you too. About how they have your number just 'in case'. One guess to figure out what that means." The three of them laughed cruelly.
"Oikawa-kun knows that you're the volleyball clubs play thing and is just interested in some easy action, even if it's as used up as you. If you stop this pretend 'friendship' you're playing at then we'll keep your dirty deeds a secret."
She took a step closer and I flinched back against the wall. She smiled again, proud to intimidate. Proud to be in control.
"If you don't then we'll make sure the whole school knows the long list of athletes you've had in your bed." She let her final words sink in before leaving in triumph, not sparing a backward glance at the shivering heap they left on the floor.
'What is happening? This isn't real. This can't be real.'
I was nobody. Those girls barely knew my name, I was sure, so why did they hate me so passionately? Was it really because I was having lunch with Oikawa? A sob broke through my lips and I bit down hard on the bottom to stifle any more. I was nobody. Why couldn't I just stay nobody? My face was surprisingly dry, tear free, but my eyes felt like they were about to burst. I tasted blood and released my lip.
'What am I going to do? They think I'm opening my legs for anyone who asks. They think I'm-' I couldn't think about anything else. The memory of the man who stole my virginity loomed above me. He turned me into this. Even if I wasn't sleeping with the whole volleyball club I was still impure. I was still exactly what they thought I was.
My stomach spasmed again and I scrambled on the floor to the nearest toilet, releasing the meager breakfast I'd had. I was shaking, my body in a kind of shock and I was unsure if it was due to the suddenness in which I vomited or the entire ordeal.
The words played over and over of their own volition. Like a haunted radio inside my head I had to listen to. If there was an off switch I was unable to find it.
Would I let them force me into refusing to eat lunch with Oikawa again? If I did that Aoi and Hajikun would immediately know something was wrong. I would have to lie to them and they would know I was. But if I didn't… my whole abdomen heaved over the toilet again but nothing came out.
Wave after wave hit me, my organs trying to push the poison out. But the poison was in my mind and all my dry heaving could not get rid of it. I choked on phantom vomit and sucked in air wildly. My breathing was shallow and my whole body was still shaking. It was all I could do to remain upright.
Moments passed in what felt like slow motion and, at last, my heaving stopped. I clumsily swiped at my face with my hand to clear any stray stomach contents and it came away bloody. I sagged against the toilet, unable and unwilling to think about the origin of the red on my palm. I just wanted to sleep.
I shot up from the ground, disoriented. 'Did I really fall asleep?' I checked my wrists uselessly for a watch and found nothing. My phone was in my bag back in the classroom. 'Oh no. The classroom.' The thought of entering after so much time had passed was embarrassing. I flushed away my sick and peaked out of the door.
It looked to be deserted and I quickly stepped to the sink and shovelled cold water into my mouth. I rinsed over and over again but could still taste the bitterness on my tongue. My eyes were drawn to the mirror and the image of my brokenness reflected in it.
At some point I had started crying. The tracks of my tears were dried onto my face. My eyes were red and as swollen as my bottom lip. There was a gash on one side where I had bitten down too hard and I saw that my frequent rinsing and split it open once again
I touched it and winced just as the door slammed open. On instinct my back pressed against the wall and my and my arms flew in front of my chest, palms turned toward the intruder. I had let out a small yell in surprise and tried to control my shaking.
My body stayed cemented where I stood and recognition of the three people in front of me dawned. I saw everything that happened next in slow motion. Oikawa pushed his way into the bathroom before the others could make a move but he stopped just feet away.
Aoi and Hajikun ran past him with worry stricken faces and in seconds I felt their hands on me. They touched my shoulders, my hair, my hands, fingers brushed against my lip.
Hajikun's hands grabbed my shoulders tightly.
"What happened to you?"
I blinked in confusion.
"What are you talking about?"
I didn't want to realize what he was referring to. I want strong enough to confront it with people surrounding me. There was no plan to go off of but to feign ignorance.
"Mari, you've been missing for hours! Iwa-kun saw your bag in class but when you didn't show up he texted us. The last person to see you was Matsukawa this morning."
I took in what she said and guilt settled in my empty stomach.
"Oh. I'm sorry to have worried you."
They stared at each before turning back to me.
"Mari, God, don't apologize, you're bleeding! Just please tell us what happened."
She grabbed a paper towel and ran it under the water before pressing it to my lip. I took it from her and went around her to sit on the counter risking a look at Oikawa in the process. He looked strained, almost in pain. I wondered if it was because of his knee.
I sat and looked up at all of them.
"I tripped and bit my lip when I fell, that's all."
The looks on each of their faces told me they didn't believe me and I was secretly grateful. Oikawa moved for the first time since entering and walked to my spot in the counter. He took the two from my hand and rinsed the pink away before bringing it up again. So, so gently he brushed the dampness across my skin and I saw that the napkin was red when it was removed. The blood must have smeared onto my face somehow. I hadn't taken a very good look at myself.
"You don't think we'll buy that, do you?" His voice was so low. I'd always liked how it got deeper when he was serious but it was his eyes that pushed me over the edge of my control. They were so expressive, so full of concern that the tears stinging my eyes fell over the brim.
My vision blurred and I fell forward his chest. My hands reached blindly in front of me and held tight onto the soft fabric of his vest in an attempt to anchor myself to reality as my emotional floodgates opened. My sobs were quiet but with no other sound they filled the room.
Almost immediately I felt fingers in my hair working smoothly from the scalp to the ends and returning to repeat the motion. The touch acted like a numbing agent sending tingles through my skin and into my brain to slowly calm the current of emotion that overtook me. Nimbly they combed through until the sobs turned into quite shivers and then to steady, even breaths.
My eyes were closed and my face rested on him in the space between my hands. I didn't want to open them and have to explain my behavior, I wanted to exist in this soothing silence with Oikawa's hands, now still, resting on my head.
A/N:
Sorry, it couldn't stay happy forever