CHAPTER 11 I Find Myself In the Care of Gaya

The city is large and I walk more closely to Izark than normal. Not that I'm not used to cities. More like it's because I'm used to large cities. This one hardly counts as a town where I come from, but I'm guessing here it might be relatively bigger than that, what with feet, horses, and wagons being the only transportation. I try to see landmarks, and quickly become displeased with the city planning. I won't be able to complete an internal map for a few months or so and I'll have to do lots of walking around town to learn it well. Roads curve, right-angle, oblique angle, and dead-end all over the place. There are green places, but they are haphazard, looking more like abandoned construction areas. The building structures scream Middle East, with upper connectors that double as passageways, almost. There are plenty of shops on the main road, the same here as for Calco: businesses on the first level, residences above. But I can see towards the hill in the center of the valley are more elaborate homes, and a central government complex. I wonder if there is a religious center there also, or if there might be several smaller denominations, if any at all. I've haven't thought to ask Izark if such things exist here. Nothing stands out, though. Around the outside of the city are the stables for general rental and use, the tanner's, butchers, and other noisome places, as is typical of this level of society and city structure. I can see the usual riffraff skulking in the shadows (the main reason I'm sticking close to Izark), but for the most part the day society is still fairly polite, it seems, though I remember the conversation the night before about the soldiers being somewhat nasty to deal with. I'll try to make sure I don't get in their way.

Even though my head is making this cool analysis of the city, the further into it we go, the more I am trembling. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen to me if Izark leaves. Will I be safe? Will I go into a full-blown anxiety attack and become comatose? (He's never let me get far enough to find out what happens if we pass the anxiety barrier.) Will I be able to live with whomever it is he's leaving me with? I'm trying to trust him on that one, but it isn't easy. I've never been with anyone else for any length of time except the Doctor and inn keeper's wife at Calco, and that was for less than one day each. I don't know yet how to live in this society. Culture, customs, language, foods, expectations - everything is different. Even if he want's me to hide, and I want to hide as well, I may not be able to. The entire neighborhood, at a minimum, will know of me. I will surely stick out like a white daisy among red tulips.

And, what if I need him? Or worse, what if he needs me? I bite my lip. He won't need me. He certainly didn't before. This is his world. I can't help it. That line of thought pushed me too far again. I step forward into him and push my face into his back, trembling, tearing up, trying to control it. I really wish I could get my brain to shut up sometimes. Izark has walked us to the side of the road and stopped. He doesn't move, just waits for me to calm down again. "Are large places, many people new to you?" he asks quietly.

I shake my head. "That's not it." I take a breath, trying to calm down. "My home city is much, much bigger, but all this is new. I'm seeing too much." I don't explain that it's things in my head I'm seeing. He doesn't need to know that. He waits for me to nod into his back that I'm ready again. When I step back, he begins walking again. I go back to looking for landmarks and actively not thinking. "Ah, please let me know when we close. I want to recognize it tomorrow." He nods. He begins to point out landmarks after we have walked for some time. They are new so will need time to settle into my map, but it's a better start than to guess on my part. I focus on breathing. My heart is crying, wanting him to stop talking, because he is only telling it he won't be here tomorrow. My head is sympathetic, but lets it happen. I need to know so I can stay alive and safe for him like I promised.

I frown. "Izark," I tug on him and make him stop. "Look right, do you see them?" He scans the right side of the street, pausing to look a little longer at the people I've seen. "Yes, them."

He looks down at me, pondering. "You can see those kind?"

I nod soberly. "What do I do in this place if they decide I prey?"

He begins us walking again. Stopping our walk is drawing their attention. "Say you're on an errand and late. Run if you need to. If it is that many, don't use your knife. Keep it hidden. They all have them and you will lose."

I nod. "My world, same." He looks at me sadly, but somewhat with camaraderie. I just look back soberly. "And soldiers?" I ask. "They are not in my world. ...Well not where I live." I have to modify it. There are plenty of countries where the military mob rules.

Izark looks troubled. "Hide if you see them." He looks around, then after a bit points out some with a nod of his head. I look closely. Tabard style overcoats belted by sword belts. Not many people have swords, I notice now. Izark is an exception. I guess it was that way in Calco, too. Some of them wear hats, but not many.

"Hats over non-hats?" I ask him.

He nods. "If you're with Gaya, you might be okay to not hide, but if you're alone, always hide."

"Okay." My fingers tighten a little on his jacket.

He walks us straight up to a larger general store. Most stores have already begun closing up for the evening, and this one is also. The woman at the door is large, short - like my height. Izark's stride lengthens and he is looking at her. I drop my hold and hang back a little, coming more slowly, getting another close look at the surroundings so I can recognize this location again later. Izark and Gaya are greeting each other, and he actually lets her hug him.

I can't help but feel just a little jealous, until I see that he is uncomfortable with it. He's just tolerating it, though she is genuinely very happy to see him. He seems to relax just a little with her as well. They've known each other for a long time. She is older, maybe even older than my mother, but it's hard to tell because she is down on the "ugly" side of the bell curve and looks scary. I reach a position as close as I can handle and swallow hard. I don't judge the book by the cover - or at least I'm trying not to. She cares for Izark, so maybe that's enough.

They've been talking, but I haven't been paying attention, really. Gaya turns to me now and looks me up and down. I give her a little bow, not knowing correct greeting customs. It's ubiquitous on Earth, the most popular greeting, with handshake being second, so maybe it will work here. She walks up to me, then smiles. I smile back tentatively. She immediately pats me on both shoulders. "She smiled! A girl is prettiest when she smiles." I look at her in surprise, then grin. She looks at me back in surprise, then grins back. Turning to Izark she says, putting her arm around my shoulder, "Don't worry, Izark. She'll be fine here." Yeah, but will I be? I ask her in my head.

Gaya seems to be the mothering type, though she is obviously single. I say that because she sees immediately to our needs, overly much so, but has no other family running around the house. All too soon it has become evening and we are shuttled into separate rooms. As Gaya is tucking me into bed, so to speak, she turns to me. "Are you feeling lonely?" She's sharp. I nod. No sense hiding it. Izark's told her the story I'm an orphan from an island he's been taking care of and have no home. That story or the true one, the loneliness is the same. "He's in the room next door." I already know that. The other room would have put us too far from each other. Izark insisted. I really don't think he understands the thread that binds us, but I'm not sure why.

"Sheshe," I say quietly.

"This is the first time I've ever seen Izark spend so much time with someone he doesn't know." She says, looking at me, wondering, then closes the door behind her.

I want to throw something in anger. Doesn't know! I fume. Not only have we spent every day of the last three months together, he's seen me naked for two solid days of them. That hasn't particularly embarrassed me, but it is a truth. You can't get more intimate than that, even if it was a nurse-patient relationship. I've yelled at him, been scolded by him, laughed with him, cried so many times he believes I'm a fountain, nearly died with him on at least five occasions, not the least of which was the fall down the cliff. How can we not know each other?

I settle down when I remember that there are things we haven't shared, and he has the secret he won't tell me, that I try to not get angry over. It makes him so afraid that I'm sad that I'm so angry about it. I sigh, then take off my shoes. I've had to wear the local shoes into town and my feet ache. I dig into my bag and pull out the extra fabric from the overdress I'm making myself - the light blue fabric. There is just enough. I quickly cut out a long rectangle, then clip some thread and thread a needle. I hem the rectangle with a small hem all the way around. That takes the longest. Then I fold it into the right size for a bandanna. Trading out the thread for the embroidery threads, I select white. It's one of the basic colors I got to repair his clothes with but I haven't needed much of it.

I pull a pencil out of my pencil case and quickly sketch wings on the front of the bandanna, then remove them. I suddenly had the image of large bushy eyebrows on an anime character. I consider, then make them smaller and raised. That doesn't look right either. I pull out paper from my bag and start sketching. After about a half hour, I finally have a design I like. I transfer it to the bandanna and begin stitching. I'm just doing the outline. Night is nearly half over and it has to be done by morning.

I feel Izark getting up from his bed. I rise from mine, grabbing up the bandanna and my this-world brush and a bit of left over black embroidery thread. I open my door and quietly listen. Gaya is not in the hall. I slip out of my room and over to Izark's. He's standing waiting for me to open the door. Sure enough, when I open the door and slip in he wants to know - by expression - what I'm doing. I waited until I knew he was dressed, though he still needs to put his boots on. I walk up to him, looking into his eyes soberly. "Good morning," I say.

He looks away. "Good morning." I take his sleeve cuff and pull him to sit. It is so hard to find chairs in this world. They are only around eating tables, oddly enough.

I kneel behind Izark and begin to brush his hair. It's the first time I've let myself, though I've longed to many times. I'm going to take it as my farewell gift, and give it as well. I start at the ends, then work my way up, detangling the hair as I go. It is fine and silky. When the tangles are out, I give it many good brushes from top to ends. He has been sitting stiffly the whole time. I expected it, so I've been ignoring him, focusing on the hair. If I pay attention to him, I'll get too embarassed to finish.

I brush the hair into one hand, then set the brush down and make sure the thick thread is at hand. Dividing the hair in my hand into three strands, I begin to braid it. He sits up stiffly, and turns his head. I put my free hand on his shoulder to hold him still, then turn his head back again and continue. When I reach the end, I wrap the tie around the end until the ends are the right lengths to tie in my own kind of knot. I pick up the bandanna and stand, keeping a hand on his shoulder to keep him on the floor. If he stands up I can't reach well. Leaning over him, I place the center of the embroidery on the center of his forehead, then wrap the ends around his head and tie them together in the back under the braid.

"Don't destroy it," I say quietly, "unless you are going to come back and get it repaired. At least remember I wanted to be at your back, and am walking with you." I step back and he stands and looks at me, his eyes infinitely sad. I bow, collect his knapsack so I can make sure his water is full and he has everything he needs. When I reach the door, I look back at him. "Sheshe, Izark, for all things." I slip out before he can move, and head for the kitchen.

We've had a quiet breakfast, where he and I didn't look at each other much. Gaya gave him a strange look for having a braid, and he blushed, but didn't say anything and didn't take it out. Gaya gave me a glance, I think, but I wasn't sayin'. She is saying her goodbyes to him now, disappointed he won't stay longer than one night, but she knows him well enough to know that he won't stay long anywhere. He turns to the door. I hand him his knapsack. "Water and herbs are full, as are trail snacks and soaps. Please be kind to your clothing." He nods once without really looking at me and takes the knapsack. As he walks out the door, I bow to him. I feel him pause just outside the door, then he is gone.

I wait to see what happens to me once he is past the range of anxiety. As his presence slowly fades the anxiety grows and I have to hold myself still. Gaya helpfully grabs me about the shoulder and is dragging me back into the house part of the building, telling me it will be okay, and then there is a very slight 'snap' and my heart hurts and there is a cold dark hole where Izark once was. I take a deep breath, trying to relax my heart as I let it out. Gaya looks at me, a bit worried, but hopeful. I bow to her. "Please take care of me," I request. "I have much to learn."

Gaya looks at me shocked. It was the first thing I've really said to her. I think she was expecting my language skills to be at a much lower level. I smile at her and carefully say, "I would first like to understand how to earn my room and food, and little spending money. I sew, and Izark is always tearing up his clothes. If I do not make him five more day's worth by the time he returns, he will have nothing to wear but rags."

"You think he'll come back?"

I feel the hole in my heart. "I am sure of it," I say soberly. "Is there a belief here two people are [fated] or [destined] to be together, even if they do not understand it, or believe it?"

Gaya looks at me soberly. "You mean fate, destiny?"

I shrug. "Maybe? Mind and heart words are hardest to translate."

Gaya nods. "I think those were the words you meant. Yes we do believe in those things." She narrows her eyes at me slightly. "You believe you and Izark are that?"

I pause. "No. I know it." I turn away from her, not able to continue with this conversation at this time. "What can I do to help you today?"

It has been a busy day. I've helped in the store, the work coming easy to me. I'm glad I memorized the numbers early and have experience with the money. Working the negotiation angle from the opposite side took some practice, and Gaya let me watch her today until I was comfortable. She's as strong as an ox so she handled stocking while I handled the counter. As a matter of fact, there is where she is right now, restocking the store after hours. I'm washing the dinner dishes and generally cleaning up for the evening.

I'm also trying to not feel the empty space in my heart, which has ached all day. I was able to mostly ignore it while we were busy, but now it's quiet and there is just me in this room. I've tried humming, but that hurts, too, so I quit. I hear a sound in the back hall. "Aunt Gaya?" I ask. She asked me to call her a diminutive form, but I can't quite do that yet. I'm glad she wants to be kind and offer to be family for me, and told her so. That seemed to make it acceptable that I wouldn't use the other form of the title.

I don't get an answer, so I look up. An intake of breath freezes with me for just a moment. There is a man standing in the hall, holding a knife. I pause just long enough to unfreeze, but my throwing hand is holding the plate ready to use as a frisbee weapon. "That's a dangerous blade to have here," I say. "Is it needed?"

He blinks at me. "Where is Gaya?" he asks suspiciously.

"Stocking the shop. Go look there."

"Who are you?"

I blink at him, then hold up the plate. "Dish washer." He stares at me, then can't hold back a bark of a laugh.

"Banadam?" Gaya has appeared behind the man.

"Ah, Gaya," he jumps a little. I frown. He seems very nervous for someone who supposedly knows Gaya and vice versa.

"What do you need?" Gaya asks him, frowning, "and what do you need that for in my house?" She is looking at the knife.

"Ah, sorry," he slips it back in its sheath. "You are a Grey Bird, like me, and I was hoping we could stay here for the night, but...," he looks back at me, "...we are running."

Gaya glances at me, then sets down the two fifty pound sacks of grains she was holding on her shoulder. ...Like I said, she's an ox. That would smash me to the floor. "I'm taking care of her. You've brought trouble on my house from the rebellion if you're here."

"No! The rebellion is a lie to oust my employer, the Grand Duke." Banadam says vehemently. I turn back to my dishwashing but listen to their conversation.

"I believe you, Banadam. Duke Jeida would never foment a rebellion. What do you need?"

"A place he can hide for the night. Can we stay here?" There is a pause, and I feel Gaya's eyes on my back again. It's her's to decide. I let her by continuing my chore. "Go get them," she finally says. I sigh to myself. Izark won't be happy if I get messed up in politics. I hope she knows what she is doing.

I've just finished cleaning the kitchen and now I'm making it messy again. The distinguished gentleman, in his robes meant to disguise him as a commoner, looks tired and hungry, so I've put together food and drink for him and the three young men who came in at Gaya's welcome. I'm not sure I like being looked at with that much interest by three at a time, but soon enough they are complaining about the reason they're here. I'm thinking the Grand Duke should have at least covered his head. His bearing is too noble. He was surely noticed coming here. I sigh to myself again. I'll be sure to pack my bag tonight just in case we have to run.

I can't quite follow all the politics. There are too many words Izark and I didn't bother to discuss in that field. I'll have to ask Gaya to go over them for me when there's time later. As I put away the serving tray and extra food they didn't need, Grand Duke Jeida says slowly, making it easy for me to understand, "There are so many strange things happening in our world right now. War word people have risen to power in all countries, while those who want peace are removed. At the same time, the seers are saying the Awakening has arrived in the Sea of Trees." I freeze, my hands on the counter holding me up. I want to hear what he says next very badly.

"They say it will awaken the Sky Word," the word I want to know, "who has terrible powers. What does it all mean? Is this a fate," it was Gaya's word from before, "we can't avoid? Fortunately, no one seems to have found the Awakening yet, but it can't remain hidden forever. Everyone is looking for it. Something must happen eventually. ...But, even knowing this, I can't do anything about it." He sounded sadly frustrated. I feel bad for him. He seems to be one of those who wants peace but is blocked from being useful. I understand that. My home country is struggling with the same issue.

I take a breath. So the Sky 'something' is supposed to have terrible powers. I purse my lips. That's not much more information than I had before. Just one clue. Izark does have great power, but I don't know if their lore has the same definition as what I've seen. He is the only one to have them, though, that I've seen so far. Not that my sampling is very large yet. I trace my finger through some spilled water on the counter, randomly doodling in it. I - assuming I'm the Awakening - haven't been found yet, but I've been left in a big city where it will be easier to find me than left out in the countryside where it would be harder. I sigh. Even Izark, though he wants me to be with someone, not alone, doesn't seem to understand.

"Are you okay?" I jump. Banadam has come into the kitchen. He is carrying plates in. "Thank you," I say taking them from him and putting them to the side of the sink so I can wash them. "Ah...yes, I'm fine, thank you." I don't look at him. He's another one with long-ish curly hair I want to dig my fingers through, and he's on the good-looking side of the scale, but I don't need to lead on another one that I'm not really interested in. Sigh. He's already interested, though. He stays to chat, asking about me. I stay quiet, just barely polite, hoping he'll get the idea and go away. He's finally called away. Gaya is taking them to their rooms. When he is gone, I go out to the table to make sure everything is cleaned up.

I'm laying next to Gaya this night. She's had to divide up the men in the other two bedrooms. I suspect she wants to properly protect me for Izark's sake as well, and I'm not complaining. "Aunt Gaya, can I ask for words?"

"Sure," she answers. I go through the words I remember hearing throughout the day, the same as I would for Izark. I'm leaning over my pillow and writing on paper on the floor, getting them all down. I don't remember all the political ones so I just ask for the ones I do remember. As part of it I include the words Duke Jeida (including Grand Duke, the title) said. I tremble inside as I wait for the definition of the word I most want.

Seers is new and it's an ah-ha moment. I ask if they really can see the future. She considers it, then tells me her sister is one in the next country over. I raise an eyebrow. She starts to go into the philosophy, then stops. I tell her to continue. I'm interested. She laughs and says her sister would be the better one to tell it, but gives me a brief summary. I don't quite get it, there are enough new words, but it's a start. Then we move to the other word.

Gaya frowns sadly. "That is a creature of destruction, who has great power to do marvelous things humans cannot do. The Sky word is said to be the most destructive of them all. That he will be awakened by the Awakening and will bring destruction upon the whole face of the earth."

I ponder an appropriate defining word. "Are there many of them on the planet? Others you can say?" She considers it then gives me two other examples. I rack my brain. Oriental mythology is very complex, but all of them of similar mein are called "oni" or "demons". The definition of a "demon" in western mythology is different, but I think the oriental definition fits the closest to Gaya's. So...technically it's probably the "Sky Demon", but I still like "Sky Dragon" better, or even just "Dragon". But I've only seen the eyes, so who knows what it is. I sigh and put my chin on my fist. "Thank you, Aunt Gaya." I put the pen down and cap the ink, then stuff them in my bag. She'd put it together anyway to give my room to the men. I keep it close by me. If we're found out, I'll definitely need to run and hide. I don't want anyone being able to get to Izark through me. I'll keep protecting him.

As I try to fall asleep, I wonder if he left because he didn't want to be awakened any more than he already was. It seems likely, if he believes that story. He's too kind to want to be destructive, unless he's protecting the innocent or those who can't protect themselves. Sadly...he's still going to come back. He won't be able to deal with the hole in his heart that I share. He doesn't know what it is, I guess, but it will call him back to me, regardless. I wonder what I'm supposed to do about it. I want him back, too. I tuck my head into my elbow, trying to shove the fears away. I wonder...if there's a way I can prevent him from becoming destructive. He already isn't, after all. It would be nice to understand the entire lore, not just the common beliefs of those who hear it as rumors... and propaganda. When there are corrupt people in power, they will use fear mongering tactics to keep people in line. This could be just that sort of thing.

"Aunt Gaya?" It's been a while...she answers, though. Maybe she's worried about what might happen tonight with her guests. "What do seers say about Sky Demon? Not people in power, not paid seers. Ones who really see, and say what they really see?"

She looks at me with a piercing look. "You understand politics."

"A little," I grimace. "I know just because a thing is said all over, doesn't mean it's truth."

She gives me a wry grin. "That's the truth." She rolls to her back and looks up at the ceiling. "I don't know what the real ones say, what the full truth is, but I do know that they can't see either the Awakening or the Sky Demon in their scrying. Not a single one. The images are jumbled."

I frown. "What does that usually mean?"

She looks at me. "I'm not sure, but I think my sister said it means the destiny isn't set, or is unknown, not readable."

I ponder that. "It seems to me, it says it's not true the Sky Demon is destructive. It hasn't been chosen yet if it will be bad or good. Is that what it means?"

She really thought about that. "It is possible. It really is possible." She is nodding, looking like I gave her a bit of hope. Well, that would be nice. I nod back sleepily. If it isn't chosen yet, then he and I have hope.

We are woken by a crash in the store front part of the building and men's voices. My heart races, and I'm up immediately. I've been well trained by now, really. Rabbit through and through. I quickly stuff my blanket into my bag. Gaya is nearly as fast as I am and she is grabbing my hand. She drags me into the main sitting room, flings up a carpet, then a trap door. "Hide in here until it's done. Get to Izark. If he had been here, he would have helped us. Tell him I'm sorry I couldn't properly protect you." The door is dropped shut and I hear the rug being replaced. I'm grateful, but she should have put the Duke in here also. I move over so if she does he doesn't land on me. I was fortunate and didn't land on anything wrong and there are other soft things down here in the dark with me.

As the noises go on overhead - yelling, swords clanging, bodies falling, etc. - I try to put myself back on the raft in the cave, feeling the peace of the darkness and the water slipping by. Izark, I cry into the hole in my heart, Izark. Come get me. I'm alone again. I bury my head in my arms, slipping back into uneasy sleep, hoping they don't find the trap door, and burying myself under the other bags in this space when I think that thought. Then I really do sleep, my heart still calling for Izark.