Chapter 11 Notes: This chapter is a direct continuation of Chapter 10. Jess reflects on his trip to California and discusses it with Luke. Thank you as always to the lovely readers who have taken the time to leave me reviews.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own obsession with Gilmore Girls
Luke kept to his word. He didn't pressure Jess. Not about school or his future. Not for details about what happened in California, or how he had ended up homeless. He threw himself into taking the best care of his nephew that he could. He cooked him healthy meals, a mix of his favorites along with lots of nourishing soups. He got him started on a multivitamin. He washed the dirty clothes he had brought back from his trip. He took him to a doctor to get an antibiotic for his cough. He made sure he drank bottle after bottle of water and Gatorade after the doctor pronounced him badly dehydrated. He encouraged him to relax and rest as much as he needed until he felt better. He told him how much he loved him and how glad he was that he was home. He held in all his questions. He didn't bring up that it was almost August and that if they wanted Jess to enroll in the fall semester of the online high school program, they needed to register soon, and buy a laptop and get internet installed in the apartment. Luke didn't pressure Jess for almost six days, and he was proud of his restraint.
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Jess' sixth day home found him lounging on the couch in his pajamas, trying to take it easy, as Luke had suggested. He was grateful that his uncle had welcomed him back into his home and that he was no longer struggling his way across the country, broke and alone, but he felt ridiculous about ending up right back where he started, with nothing gained. His trip had accomplished nothing. All he had gotten out of it was one more rejection from a man who had abandoned him when he was only a few days old and spent the next eighteen years reinforcing that rejection by never once contacting him or even sending a birthday present. He had spent his entire life hating Jimmy for leaving him with Liz, but right now he was more pissed at himself, for letting Jimmy's short and weird visit to Stars Hollow trick him into thinking that he actually meant anything to the man, that his father actually wanted to have a relationship with him. He should have known better. He was such a sucker.
He was glad to be back, at the only place he could really call home, but he felt like he needed time to regroup and process everything that had happened before he could move forward. He meant what he had said to Luke in the car, that getting his diploma online seemed like a good idea, but he was in no rush to start the process. He had spent his first day back catching up on sleep, not even getting out of bed until mid-afternoon, and then only long enough to use the bathroom, eat dinner and watch a little television with Luke before turning in early. The days since, with the exception of when he had been at the doctor's office, had been spent in the apartment, mostly horizontal on his bed or the couch, reading, talking to Luke, but carefully avoiding any serious topics, occasionally napping, and thinking, lots of thinking. He tried to convince himself that his self-imposed confinement was to spare the town exposure to his respiratory infection in case it was contagious and to avoid unwanted run-in's with nosy town jerks, like Taylor Doose, who might question where he had been or what he had been up to. But, the antibiotics had all but eliminated his cough at this point, and the only person in town he was genuinely too embarrassed to face was his ex-girlfriend who had a valid reason to be pissed at him. He knew he had probably messed that up for good, but he didn't want her to hate him, so he knew he needed to talk to her sooner rather than later. He felt childish for hiding from her, but he wasn't going to venture out of the apartment until he had an apology ready, and so far, all the ways he had tried to phrase it in his head and come across as too pathetic.
The only kind of positive thing, and he knew he was letting himself be optimistic to think it might someday be a very positive thing, that had come out of his trip was that he had started writing a story. He hadn't written a lot yet, but he was pleased with the quality of what he had gotten down in his notebook so far. When he had been alone in California, on the beach in the evening, or at a coffee shop, in his motel room, on the bus headed back east, he had scribbled out the narrative that had been building in his mind. His thoughts had taken shape and flowed out easily and naturally, giving life to characters that had been living in his head for longer than he had realized. The story has started piecing itself together at the end of a miserable week of wallowing after Jimmy had turned him away. His writing had helped to keep him going and distract him from the hopelessness of his life when he had been on the verge of losing will, and had wanted nothing more than to lie down somewhere and stop everything. To just cease to exist. He was aware that his thoughts and emotions had been all over the place and completely out of whack during this whole experience, so part of him was worried that the writing may not seem as good later, when he read it from a calmer and more emotionally stable place, but right now he felt proud that he had made a start at something that could possibly end up being good, being something that mattered. Jess sighed, Luke had been good about staying off his case so far, but he knew Luke's patience wouldn't last forever. His concern would take over and he would start nagging Jess about everything he thought the boy should be doing. And for some reason, it seemed important to Jess to be out front on this. To start getting himself together on his own, like an adult, instead of needing Luke to encourage or threaten him into action, as he had so many times in the past. He wanted to show Luke he could be serious about his future. That he was worth the second chance the man was giving him. He needed to get himself focused and moving in something that resembled forward motion. His needed to organize his thoughts and come up with a plan of action for when he moved out of Luke's for good. He wanted to do everything he could now, to get himself into a better position to not fail the next time he struck out on his own. He knew that would involve getting his high school diploma. He needed to research the online program Luke told him about, find out registration deadlines, maybe work out a loan with Luke for a computer and internet if he wouldn't have time to earn the money himself before the deadline. He needed to look for a job, something fulltime outside the diner. He could talk to Luke about picking up shifts in the meantime, though, and of course he would step in to cover shifts if Luke needed help, but he wanted a job with more independence, and a boss who wasn't his uncle. Something like what he'd had at Walmart. He regretted burning that bridge when he left. He needed to put together a budget and put aside money every month to save up for a car. A more reliable car than the last one. And he needed to start saving money in an emergency fund. That was key. He had learned from his brief stint in the real world, that life was full of emergencies and he wanted to be as ready as he could be. He also knew things needed to change at Luke's. He needed to carry his weight more, doing chores without being asked, doing his own laundry, maybe even cooking dinner once in a while. He needed to get used to doing these things since he'd be out on his own doing them for himself soon enough. He also knew he needed to treat his uncle better, and stop lashing out like a child every time he got hurt or scared. Just because Luke put up with his shit didn't make it ok. As grateful as he was that Luke had taken him in, again, he knew he needed to think of his time as Luke's as temporary, while he got on his feet and fixed himself up, a few months, a year tops. After spending the past couple of months getting kicked around by the real world, it was very tempting to drag his feet on getting himself together, and just let Luke take care of him. But, he knew he needed to use this time wisely, and get himself as prepared for adulthood as best he could. The next time he left home, it would be with Luke's support and he knew that would make all the difference, but he wanted to be someone who could take care of himself, someone who called his uncle and came back to visit because he wanted to, not because he was in need of a bed and a meal. He wanted to do better at life than Liz had. And, for maybe the first time ever, he really believed he could. He wanted to be someone that Luke could be proud of. He knew the first step was getting off the couch. And maybe putting on some pants.
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When Luke came upstairs after the dinner rush had slowed, he was greeted to a sight he hadn't seen in a while, Jess sitting at the kitchen table, dressed in jeans and a tee shirt, pen in hand focusing on the ripped-out notebook page in front of him that was covered in his small handwriting. "Hey, Jess," Luke called to his nephew. "It's good to see you up. What are you working on?"
Jess looked up, and offered his uncle a smile. "Hey." "It's, uh, my one-year plan, I guess." He let out an awkward laugh, embarrassed to be caught working on it. "It's some stuff I want to accomplish and some things I need to work on. Pretty lame, I know, but I think better when I write stuff down."
Luke walked over to the kitchen. He pulled a beer out of the fridge, and leaned against the counter, not wanting to crowd Jess, but seeing this as an opening to discuss Jess' plans that he couldn't pass up. "That doesn't sound lame. It sounds smart. How's it coming?" Luke tried to sound casual. He didn't want Jess to think he was trying to pick back up where they had left off, treating his nephew like a child and acting like he had any control over his life. "Can I, uh, ask what you have so far? If you, um, want to talk about it, that is."
Jess used his foot to slide the chair to his left away from the table and smirked. "Luke, I appreciate the feigned nonchalance, but I think we both know you're dying to get a look at my life plan here." He used the index finger and thumb of his right hand to wiggle the paper back and forth on the table in emphasis. "Spoiler alert, it involves getting a high school diploma and becoming a productive member of society! Two of your all-time favorites, Uncle Luke!" Jess's voice rose in mock excitement. "But, seriously, I'm very impressed that you didn't start in on me about my future the second I set foot in Connecticut. I know it must have been hard for you to not give in to your instincts to nag the crap out of me as soon as you saw me. You haven't even grilled me about what happened in California, even though we both know you're super curious. And, trust me, I enjoyed the reprieve and all, but I figured this conversation was inevitable. Why don't you come sit down and we can talk about stuff now?"
Luke chuckled and approached the table, taking a seat in the pushed out chair. He was as happy about finding Jess so upbeat as he was about the invitation to talk. The boy had been radiating sadness since he had returned. This was the best mood Luke had seen him in so far, and it made him feel good to see that the boy's spirit hadn't been permanently crushed, that the Jess he knew was still in there somewhere. "Thanks, Jess. I just didn't want you to think I was treating you like a child, or being controlling, or anything. I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you. I wanted to make sure I was giving you enough space. Because I understand if you need it. Really."
Jess looked down for a moment, as though concentrating on his list. "I know you said that you don't care about what happened before…." Jess started. "But, I kind of want to apologize for calling you controlling. And selfish. And everything else I said. I was really mad…But, I didn't mean that stuff. Seriously." Jess forced himself to look up now, making eye contact, trying to act like the adult he kept telling Luke he was. "And, I'm sorry. I know you said you already forgave me, but I needed to apologize anyway. I don't want you to worry about what I said, or feel like you can't say something to me because it's going to make me think those things about you. Because it won't. I promise."
Luke smiled. "Thank you, nephew. I appreciate that. And just to be clear, I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have tried to interfere with you and Jimmy. Your relationship with your father, whatever it is, isn't my business, and I should have stayed out of it. I won't do anything like that again. Assume I know what's best for you, I mean, and try to make a decision like that for you. I'm sorry."
"It's ok, Luke. Maybe I should have listened to you." Jess was quiet for a moment. "I don't regret going to California. I've been curious about him my entire life, and I knew this might be my only opportunity to get to know him. But, now that I have, I know I should have listened to you when you told me what a loser he was. I might have at least managed my expectations better. And, not been so hurt after…." Jess trailed off, debating how much of his experience he was going to share with his uncle.
Luke's expression grew concerned. "What did Jimmy do, Jess? Do I need to go out there and put his head through a wall?"
Jess laughed. "No, but thanks for the offer. I think I can achieve closure without that, but if anything changes, I'll let you know." Jess smirked. "Plus, I get the impression that he struggles enough without any added brain damage."
Luke smiled, enjoying hearing Jess laugh. His nephew was right. He had been dying to know what happened with Jimmy and what the kid was going to do now, but he hadn't known what to expect in this conversation. Jess had been so subdued and unpredictably emotional since he had returned home. This was the first conversation they had had where Luke felt like he was talking to the same kid who had lived in his house two months ago.
"He didn't do anything really. Just didn't want me there. That was clear from the beginning. He kept telling me that he was a mess and was in no position to raise a kid. I told him I wasn't a kid and I was already raised. That I just wanted to get to know him. But, he didn't care, just kept clinging to his go-to excuse, that he was a mess and I was better off without him." Jess paused for a moment remembering their conversation on the Venice boardwalk. When he spoke again, his voice sounded off. "And, the real kick in the teeth is that he has a girlfriend who has a daughter. She's like twelve, maybe. So, he's kind of already got a kid, anyway. And the girl seemed to like him, so I guess he's not too much of a mess for her. I guess it's just me who's better off without him."
"I'm sorry, Jess." Luke wanted to tell Jess that Jimmy had always been a selfish asshole. And stupid. Just really stupid, on a basic level. That he'd probably let his girlfriend and her kid down eventually, too, but he didn't know how the criticism would be taken and he didn't want Jess to shut down the conversation.
"I had to beg him, Luke, I mean beg him, for a place to stay. I told him I didn't have anywhere to go. That I couldn't go back to New York, that we got in a fight and I couldn't come back here. That I basically dropped out of school to go see him. That I just wanted a place to stay until I could get on my feet and get a job and a place somewhere."
"He finally agreed to let me stay at his place on a mattress on the floor, but I think it was only because his girlfriend thought he should let me. She was nice enough. I really don't know what she was doing with him. I only ended up staying two nights. After the second night, Jimmy basically told me not to get too comfortable, that his girlfriend can never say no to a stray, they had like ten dogs and cats, but that me staying there for longer than a few days wasn't practical. It was a small house and there wasn't space for me. I packed my shit and left that afternoon, while he was at work."
"Before I left, I stuck a note with my cell phone number on the fridge. Said that I'd stay in town for a while if he changed his mind and decided he actually wanted to get to know his son. Then I rented a room in this shithole motel in Venice, and waited to see if he would call. I waited in that motel for almost a month. Like a pathetic loser. I looked for a job, so that when he called, I could show him that I had my shit together. That I was an adult who could take care of myself. That I wouldn't be a burden on him. But, I couldn't get a job anywhere, and I looked, I really did. You have no idea how hard it is to get a job as a server in Los Angeles. The manager at one restaurant I applied to even told me straight out that they don't hire people from New York because we don't have the right vibe. Can you believe that shit?" Luke smiled at that. "Then I tried for any kind of job, it didn't matter what, and I still couldn't find anything. That was the worst part, staying in that motel in case Jimmy changed his mind. Not being able to get a job. Not knowing anyone. I feel so stupid that I did that. I wish I had left L.A. when Jimmy kicked me out. Maybe I could have kept some of my self-respect." Jess paused for a minute, reflecting on whether that was really how he felt. If he had left right away and not suffered through that month in Venice, he may never have started writing. He wasn't ready to talk to his uncle about that yet, though, so he continued his story. "And then I got sick, and I basically didn't leave my motel room for a week. That's when my cough started. And, I was so depressed. That week was miserable. Just lying in bed with too much time to think about what a great job I'd done of totally fucking up my life."
"That sounds like a really tough situation. I'm really sorry that things worked out like that, Jess." Luke hated the idea of Jess being sick and depressed in a crappy motel room in Venice, thinking he was alone with no one to turn to. "I really wish you had called me then. Even if you hadn't been ready to come home, I would have liked to have been there for you, even just on the phone. You can always call me, you know. I would have done whatever I could to help you."
Jess knew that was true, now more than ever. That he could have called Luke. He just hadn't been ready to admit he had failed at that point, and calling home would have felt like admitting he couldn't handle the situation on his own. "I know you would have, Luke. I guess I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do this on my own. I thought about it, but calling you then would have made me feel like a little kid running to mommy and daddy with his problems."
Luke grinned.
"What?" Jess asked confused as to what he had said to make Luke look so happy.
"Huh? Oh, nothing."
"Why are you grinning like an idiot, Luke?"
"Oh, sorry. I just kind of liked that I was your 'mommy and daddy' in that scenario and Jimmy was the problem. Sorry, go on."
Jess laughed. "Wow, that's really mature. I'm so glad you can find joy in my misery."
"Sometimes it can't be helped, nephew." Luke's warm smile belied his words.
Jess looked down briefly before regaining eye contact. "You definitely are more my parent than Jimmy is, though. I'll admit that." Jess watched Luke's pleased smile spread across his face. "Like, get this. Jimmy kept accusing me of trying to bust his balls over abandoning me when I was a baby. Like it was no big deal. Like I should be over it by now. And I seriously wasn't even giving him shit. I was pretty much on my best behavior out there. But, if I mentioned anything about New York at all, he'd accuse me of busting his balls. He was so sensitive about it! Like I don't have a right to be pissed that he left me with a nutcase like Liz! Like it was my job to make him feel ok about that! And I just kept thinking about all the times I've given you way more shit over way less, about some of the horrible things I've said to you. And, how you always put up with shit from me that no one else would and you always accept me and still want me around. And you love me anyway. Like a parent. Like the way you told me that time at the lake that you felt like your dad always accepted you for who you are. And talking to my actual father felt so much more like trying to convince a stranger to give me a chance, like I was trying to talk someone into hiring me or going on a date with me, or something." Jess seemed to realize how much he had been saying and started to feel self-conscious. He coughed once. "Anyway, I guess it is what it is." He shrugged, then attempted to lighten the mood. "So, now you're all caught up on what I did on my summer vacation."
Luke was looking at Jess with a serious expression on his face. "Just so there's never any confusion. I will always want you around. I will always love you anyway. You may not be my actual kid, but you are my favorite person on the planet. And, I will always be here for you, Jess. Always."
Jess nodded slightly, a small smile on his face. "I know you will, Luke. It took me a long time, but I get that now."