November 12th, 1781
Dearest Felicity,
I meant to write to you as soon as I returned to Yorktown, but I just had the terrible urge to lie down in my bed and sleep. I am slightly ashamed to say that I have been here now for two days. My mother has been terribly indulgent and telling me that I am still healing, and I admit the road back here was rather rough. Anyways, I don't want to bother you with the particulars.
The sun is starting to set on yet another day I have spent being useless, but I swear that tomorrow will be a new day and I will get up and be active again. There are a few people in town here that I must speak with at once. Good things are coming my love! Do you believe me?
I hope to hear from you soon.
All of my love,
Ben
…
November 22nd, 1781
My Dear Ben,
I can't help but still be worried of your injuries, as I interpret your letter. To me, you complain of the perfectly normal road from Williamsburg to Yorktown, then proceed to sleep for two days, am I correct in my assumptions? I hope you have seen a physician in town, and I think it is due time to have your stitching removed, no?
At this moment I am telling myself to cease worrying about your injury. You have survived it, and I don't want to dwell on it anymore. Just promise me that you will not push yourself.
I almost wish I had an excuse to rest like you do, for some reason I am just tired, tired, tried all of the time. Mother and Father are still not very keen on my leaving the house, and as the days go by I am surprised to realize that I am relieved by it. Everything seems to be the same awful grey color and riding Penny is as exciting to me as working on the mending. But, things may turn around soon; it is almost Christmastide and I very much love this time of year.
I wanted to do my best to not become sad as I write to you, but all the feelings I have been swallowing down have revealed themselves, and I find that all I can do is miss you.
Please write to me soon.
With Love,
Felicity
….
December 2nd, 1781
Dearest Lissie,
My love, I was alarmed to read about the despair you are feeling and my heart hurts with the feeling that I am so useless, so far away. Every fiber of my being wishes I was there with you now. Lissie, please. Appeal to your parents to go ride Penny, work in the store, visit Elizabeth, anything to get you out of the house. You are not meant to be trapped inside and you know this.
I too feel the despair creeping up on me. It hits me most as I wake up in the morning in my bed, remembering the first time that I woke up after being brought home from the war. I woke up, and saw that you were lying next to me. I picture that moment now, and I am so sad when I wake up every morning alone.
I implore you once more, and I will take my own advice when I say that we must take heart. There will be a better tomorrow, and I am working hard to make it happen. On a final note, all of my stitching has been removed, and I feel healthy and whole again.
All of my love,
Ben
…
December 12th, 1781
My Dear Ben,
Happy Birthday to you! By the time you get this letter, you will be twenty-three years of age. Do you feel old? I hope that the gifts I have given to you arrived safely. In case they have not, I'll not speak further of them so avoid spoiling the surprise. I do apologize that I was not able to spend much money; Father is still not keen on me working at the store since we were found out so I have not been earning any wages. I am trying to not be resentful about it, but I know that Christmastide has always been my absolute favorite time to work and I hate so much that I am missing it.
But, there will be no more despair from me for the time being because I know you hate to hear it. I am trying to build up my spirit by hanging holly all around our home as I used to do when I was a child. Then, in a little while I will join Polly and we will make shrewsbury cakes! Doesn't that sound fine?
In your next letter, will you tell me more about your day? This might sound odd, but I miss knowing all of things that you are up to.
Once more, I wish you a very happy birthday!
With all of my love,
Felicity
…
December 23rd, 1781
Dear Lissie,
Thank you so much for the handsome golden cufflinks. They must have cost you a fortune! I am so lucky to have them, and to have you. I will treasure them forever.
Now that Christmastide is upon us, my entire family is together. Sarah and Charlotte are here of course as travel is easy for them, but it is such a nice surprise to have Anna here as well. My sisters know all about what has transpired upon us and I was expecting them to have a bit of fun and teasing at my expense, but it seems that they all feel pity for us, and speak almost too kindly to me. I am not sure if I prefer it. I find myself wishing for the days in which I was often teased endlessly about anything and everything.
Lissie, do you speak truthfully when you write that you want to hear about my day? I admit that I feel ashamed about how unproductive I have been as of late. I suppose the only thing that I accomplished is that I taught my nephew how to use an abacus. He seems to enjoy it, and Charlotte is thankful. I hear that most of his hobbies end up with something being destroyed so this should be a nice change.
It is odd, spending Christmastide with my family. It really has been ages since we were all together. Now that I think about it, every Christmastide I have had since I was fifteen has been either with your family, canceled due to the war, or spent recovering from injury. And now, things just will never be the same without Sylvie.
I had better cease my prattling, lest I become melancholy. The only thing I ask, Lissie, is that you treasure your family, despite everything that has happened.
I love you, Felicity. I promise that next Christmastide we will be together.
Ben
…
January 3rd, 1782
My Dear Ben,
Merry Christmastide and a Happy New Year to you!
All of the things you have told me in your letter, the small pieces of information about your sisters and teaching your nephew, all of this is exactly what I was looking for. I want to be able to picture myself, as if I were there with you, seeing you interact with your family. These things make me feel like I am not so far removed from you. Do you understand me?
I thank you for your advice about keeping my family close. I know that we have been so lucky to still all be together, and I must not take it for granted that I have never lost a parent or one of my dear siblings. I must always remind myself of this.
Mother and Father have started to let me leave the house more often these days. I wanted to tell you that I paid Elizabeth a visit yesterday. She knew that you had been stabbed, and figured that you had gone back to Yorktown to heal. I told her everything that had happened, and that Mother and Father sent you away as punishment. While I have been better at keeping my resolve as of late, I could not help but break down and cry about how much I missed you, how cold Mother and Father have been to me, and how my siblings rarely speak with me and just how lonely I am. Elizabeth was wonderful as always and comforted me, telling me that she is here for me and that I will always find an ally in her.
Oh Ben, I now see that I have been a terrible friend to Elizabeth! I was so wrapped up in our love that I failed to notice that I was neglecting her completely. I remember her telling me that she felt ignored, but I never tried to understand where she was coming from. I have decided to do better by her from now on. This is my solemn vow.
Do give my love to your Mother and Father and all of your sisters, but keep an extra large portion of it for yourself!
With love,
Felicity
….
January 20th, 1782
Dearest Lissie,
I am so happy that you are starting to feel better. I have had this nagging thought that all the things I have done, starting with confessing my feelings to you caused a great upheaval in your life and that you might realize that it was never worth it, you would have been better off if I had kept my emotions in check that night of the brawl. Lissie, I never meant to disrupt your life, and I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to get back to you. I promise all of these things, ten times over!
I am also thankful that you have seemingly mended your relationship with Elizabeth. Tell me, does she indeed think poorly of me? I got a strange feeling from her the last few months, which I chalked up to a distrust of me. I always meant to speak with her about this.
Now that we are on the topic of friendship, I regret that I was not able to bid Walter goodbye before I left. I wrote a letter to him shortly after this one, and I hope that he sees fit to reply and does not believe I have walked out of any future business plans that we had previously discussed. I have appointments to see several investors in the coming weeks and I hope not to go it alone. Walter has always been much better with words. You know this to be true!
Please give Elizabeth some good words for me, and assure her that she needn't distrust me.
All of my love,
Your Ben
….
February 5th, 1782
Dear Ben,
I never want to hear you say that you regret confessing your feelings to me. You opened up the possibility of a new future to me, one that I could truly be comfortable with myself. There are many more words I would like to say about this, but written means won't do them justice. I'll wait until you are in front of me to fully express these thoughts.
I went to go see Walter at his work, and was informed by Mr. Ramsey that Walter had traveled back to Norfolk for the time being. "Family business" was all he said in that voice that suggests I had best stop imploring. I hope everything is decent with him, and that he returns to Williamsburg soon. Do you have his forwarding address? If not, perhaps I can get it out of Mr. Ramsey. He ought to know.
There is not much for interesting news to discuss on my part. I will mention that I had coffee with several of the young ladies in town at the Cole's house. Elizabeth and Annabelle were there, of course, and do you remember Fiona McLeod? Elizabeth said that she had the idea to bring together a social group to celebrate reconciliation now that the war is indeed winding down. I admit the conversation was a little tedious, but it was nice to have the social interaction. I do remember many of my one-on-one interactions with each of the ladies, and they are not so stuffy as I would have seen them today. Perhaps I can breathe a little life into the group.
Things are improving slightly at home. Everyone is speaking to me again, and Mother and Father have lost some of their coldness. However, I still cannot go work in the store, and it is looking like that has permanence. Ben, besides riding, keeping the shop was one of my favorite activities. If I do not have that, and I don't have you, then I am ready to say that perhaps there is nothing left for me in Williamsburg anymore.
For some reason, I find myself thinking about your collarbone, up to your jawline. Tell me, is this strange? I find that part of you to be incredibly handsome. If you were here with me, I would kiss you there.
Please assure me once again that you will come for me,
All of my love,
Felicity
…
February 14th, 1782
Dear Felicity,
Happy St. Valentine's Day to you, my love. Out of the spirit of the holiday, I will devote the entirety of this letter to my proclamations of love for you. It is quite unfortunate that we have to communicate through writing only, so I'll have to write a few embellishments to help you imagine me.
(First, imagine that I am clearing my throat)
Felicity, Lissie, Dearest of Mine, how happy I am to have you in my life! You are the celestial being that a lowly mortal such as myself only dares to dream about catching. It is with such a sorrow that we have been pulled apart for the time being, but it only proves that my love for you is transcendent over space and through time.
(Now please, if you would imagine that I am reaching out to take your hand at this very moment!)
We have already vowed to remain immortal, and now, once I have you back, let us vow again to never be parted! Once together, you and I will inspire the greatest of love stories. Of course, not like Romeo and Juliet, but more like A Midsummer Night's Dream, if Titannia's love for the Ass had not faded. Yes, exactly like that!
(Now, imagine that I have put a hand to my chest to put more emphasis on all of my declarations)
Come, My Dear, please say that you will promise yourself to me, and we shall be happy forever in our Kingdom of Love! We will remain there in our immortality, completely unbound by the limits of space and time!
(Here, I get down on both knees, and clasp my hands out to you)
Now please my Dearest, my shoulder is available for you to rest your head on for all of eternity. Come, and let me love you!
(Now, a flush rises across my face as I re-read this letter, and come to the horrific realization about how awful it is.)
(I say nothing, but only bow in your direction)
Happy St. Valentines Day!
Ben
…..
February 22nd, 1782
My Dearest Ben,
Sweet Boy! That was simply the nicest letter that I have ever received. I delighted in reading it and imagined all of your gestures to go along with such grandiose words. For a moment, it was as if you were in front of me, reciting all of those fine words! Don't mistake me, it is truly awful, but it is the dearest letter I have ever received. I will treasure it always!
I had a strange thought about the vow that we both took, sealed with rum. I consider all of the things that have happened to you; you survived three years at war and what I imagine to be countless battles, broken ribs paired with winter fever, and most recently, you were stabbed with a three-inch blade and survived. Perhaps you are immortal after all! And that brings me to my next thought. Why, it is likely then that I am also immortal! For some reason I now picture myself as a wild woman, riding Penny with no saddle as I cling to her graceful neck. My hair is loose, and I am barefoot, of course. It is just like I imagined when I was a child. I had this thought once again not long ago as I was preparing to tell my mother and father I was breaking things off with the physician. As I rode off in the direction of the wilderness in my mind's eye, I pictured you riding beside me as you belong.
Ben, please say that when we are finally together again and have control over our lives, we can go riding like this, so wild and free. Will you promise me this?
If I hold on to these thoughts in my head, it makes my current existence seem bearable.
I hope you do not mind the rambling nature of this letter. Truth is, I had not planned on what to write and merely let my consciousness take hold of the pen.
All of my love,
Felicity
PS: In the letter you seemed to delight in referring to yourself as a foolish ass. You are one of the least foolish people I know, and you are not fooling me!
….
March 5th, 1782
Dearest Felicity,
Please promise me that you will take care, and not tempt fate. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but I get the notion that your vow is canceled if you actually decide to test your immortality. By all means, let us ride off together, free of all these stuffy social conventions. I too, will now picture my future self with loose hair and no shoes, riding Patriot alongside you. Just promise me that you will wait and not go off alone!
My dear Lissie, I must confess that I have failed at my first business venture. I presented myself to a group of potential investors locally, and was soundly rebuffed. They were polite about it, sure, but the end result was all the same. I was told that I sounded young and unsure of myself. They are absolutely correct, and these are things that I must fix. I only wish I had Walter here to appeal alongside me. I still cannot find him despite the forwarding address I was able to get from his cousin.
I have an appointment to see another investor in Norfolk where the man supposedly is, so perhaps we will cross paths at that point?
I promise you that this is only temporary, and that I will devote myself to gaining more success at my next try. Our future depends on it!
I love you,
Ben
…
April 5th, 1782
Dear Ben,
I apologize for not sending a letter sooner; as you can see, Springtime has taken ahold here so I've spent quite a bit of time and energy preparing the garden. I can see now that the wintertime was most severe for me this past year; I usually suffer because I cannot go riding as much, but coupled with the loss of you, it has all been incredibly hard on me. Now that the sun is beginning to feel warm again and I have been out riding with William often, I feel like a dark cloud has lifted from me. I still miss you greatly, of course! But it is a sweet sadness, and all I need to do is to read your letters and imagine you appearing in front of me, giving me your handsome smile!
I hope you are not in too much distress over being turned out. Isn't it rare that you gain investment on the first try anyways? And I reckon much of the wealthy have tightened their belts until our local economy gets settled. You will have success soon, I know it! In the meanwhile, can you not find work at one of you father's shops?
I have to tell you one last bit of gossip! I think that Nan may be sweet on the guitar-maker's apprentice. He is fifteen, about her age and she is always finding excuses to stop by and hear him "test" out different guitars for her. You should see it!
Love is really the best feeling in the world, do you agree?
Speaking of Love, I'm giving all of mine to you.
Felicity
…
April 19th, 1782
Dear Felicity,
Happy Birthday, my Love! Did you receive the gifts I have sent? I am trying not to be sad that I cannot be there with you to ring in your eighteenth year. I promise you that we will be together as you turn nineteen, then twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two….need I go on?
Love can be the best feeling in the world, but I think also, that falling in love is a truly scary thing. Hear me out. When you fall in love, you entrust a large piece of yourself to that person. It is not just any piece, it is the key to your entire emotional and mental well-being, and now all of this now hinges on a very specific set of circumstances in order for you to have any chance at happiness. You and I both felt the dark side, the unhappy side of love as we were separated, and I have started to feel the fear creeping up on me at the absence of your letter. It makes me wonder, has she grown tired of me? Is she forgetting me? Does she have her eye on a new potential beau? There is nothing I can do for myself that will make the fear go away. It invades my mind, stays with me as I lie in bed, speak with my parents, run errands, and most everything else.
Then, I wake up one morning and I see your letter, and this dark cloud dissipates in an instant and I am happy again. My entire well-being rests on my receiving pieces of paper from you. This is love, in its complex, multifaceted glory. I love you, and sometimes I am frightened of you. Your letter tells me that you have started to feel better, and more at peace. And I regret to say that there is a part of my mind that is displeased at this; as if I fear that you are forgetting me. Is this still love? I hope to God I return to feel only the happiness of it.
I have indeed spoken to my father about finding work in one of his shops in the interim, but he is stretched very thin financially on account of the long war. It would not be fair to fire one of his longtime employees just so that his son can have a job. I understand this well. I will just have to try harder at finding investors.
Again, Happy Birthday my Love,
Ben
….
May 1st, 1782
Dearest Ben,
Here is another piece of paper, from me, for you. Does this make you happy?
Your letter gave me concern. It is as if you have gained only ill feeling and sorrow from becoming involved with me. Have I wronged you somehow? Was the melancholic disposition that you seemed to carry after you resumed your apprenticeship due to me being with the physician, and not on account of the war?
Am I in the wrong here?
Ben, I do not wish to start an argument. Not now, not through letters. In your earlier letters you implored me to cast off the darkness, and now that I am doing so, you confess it makes you unhappy. Was this not what you wanted?
I want you to trust me when I say that I love you, truly I do. I'll add that I felt quite sad on my birthday, since I am now eighteen and this is the time when I hoped that we would have become engaged. Ben, I am waiting for you, and I am doing it quite patiently.
Come back for me.
All of my love,
Felicity
…
May 15th, 1782
My Dear Lissie,
I very soundly apologize for the tone of my last letter. I had traveled all the way to Richmond to present myself to another group of investors, and was once again soundly rejected. I think it was all of my bitterness leaching out of me. This is the fifth time I have failed to raise any capital, and I find myself looking further away for more opportunities. Perhaps I might need to go all the way to Philadelphia.
Lissie, I hope you are not too angry with me. Perhaps it would be best if you destroyed that letter, would you please? Of course it is your choice, but I hope that you do. I'd rather it not exist.
I went through and re-read all of your letters, and judging my all of the declarations you made in them, I am a proper fool to have assumed that your love for me was faltering. I do trust you, my dear. Just please, I hope that I hear from you more often than once per month.
I too remember that we had planned to become engaged, or close to it by this time. And now I look at myself, unable to find work, nothing to do, nowhere to go. Many of my friends have scattered across the colonies, and I have learned that several of my boyhood friends did not survive the war. To top it all off, I have not seen the girl I love for nearly six months. Feeling useless is quite the understatement.
I am so sorry to heap all of my sadness and frustration upon you, but I have no other outlet for it. As soon as I fold this letter up, I will put on a brave, stoic façade and think of new plans.
I love you dearly,
Ben
….
June 1st, 1782
Dear Ben,
You know by now that I am vehemently opposed to destroying any of your letters. I do remember reading more than one letter that you wrote while you were away at war that was less than flattering. But I kept them all, and I will continue to keep them all. To me, the letters represent you, and by destroying one, I would be destroying a part of you. You are human, and humans get angry, speak carelessly, and show their temper. I do all of these things in spades, and you love me for it. You love me all in my whole, imperfect ways, and I want to tell you that I do the same for you.
I am not sure what kind of advice I can give you regarding your business ideas, but I will assure you that things will turn around, they are bound to! As for me, I am here, waiting for you patiently. It may be true that I have never been a patient person, but when it comes to you, I feel I could wait an eternity.
But please, don't make me do that. Come for me!
With all of my love,
Felicity
….
June 12th, 1782
Dear Felicity
There has been too many sorrowful, serious letters exchanged between the two of us. I realize I have been very self-centered, complaining endlessly about my troubles while paying no attention to you. Tell me Lissie, how is your life? Are you still riding with William and perhaps Nan? Do you see Elizabeth quite often? How about the social circle that Elizabeth and Annabelle have started? You have not gotten yourself expelled in an effort to breathe some life into it, have you?
I'll mention that I'm off to Philadelphia tomorrow to meet with investors. I will be staying with Anna and her family, of course, and I am eager to see them all.
I hope you still think well on me,
All of my love,
Ben
…
July 3rd, 1782
Dear Ben,
I realize now that this day is an anniversary of sorts. It was one year ago today that you were involved in a tavern brawl (to which I still do not know any details), only to storm home and get into a confrontation with me, which would lead into you telling me that you loved me. My Dear, I see this day as a start of something wonderful, and despite our uncertain future, I do not regret it one bit. I know our fortunes will turn around, and you will come for me. In fact, I'll wager that we are engaged by Christmastide! Of course, this is as long as you still wish it.
Surprisingly, I have not gotten myself expelled from my social circle. It still is a bit stuffy, but I know there is a time and a place for every behavior, and this is the time to be on my best behavior. I still have a pleasant time with learning about all of the lives of the ladies involved, and their struggles with growing up and finding a partner. I've not gone into any detail about my own life for reasons obvious at this time, but I have learned that the course of love often does not run so smooth. It is by luck that a man and a woman who are deemed to be a good match also have true feelings of love for each other, and I recognize that I am so lucky to have both qualities in you.
In other random news, Elizabeth's eighteenth birthday is coming soon, and we will be putting on a celebration for her. Doesn't that sound fine?
I hope that you are having good luck in Philadelphia. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, and please give Anna my love.
With love,
Felicity
…
August 8th, 1782
Dear Lissie,
My deepest apologies for the lateness of this letter. I know that I am a right hypocrite for demanding letters on at least a bi-weekly basis from you, then waiting more than a month to send one of my own.
Lissie, Philadelphia did not go well at all. I won't get into the particulars at this time, but how I was treated, and all of the things that were said to me; well, perhaps I must re-think my career plans. I returned home and spent a week getting over my wounded pride (to be truthful, I was surprised to find that I have any pride left at all), then set out to find any work, just anything at all. I did find something in the end, with the Virginia office of the Asiatic Company. I am basically helping keep the books. It is apprentice work and I'll be paid even less than I was working at your father's store. But, it is something to do until I figure out a new strategy.
Lissie, I feel such shame at how things have gone for me. At this rate, I won't be coming to ask for your hand any time soon. But I will try my damndest to figure something, anything out. I take some comfort in your assurances that you are patiently waiting. Tell me truthfully, my dear, am I still worthy in your eyes?
You have all of my love, now and forever.
Ben
…
Author's notes:
1) Yikes, this chapter was really difficult to write. I wanted to use the exchange of letters format so that we see only what Ben and Felicity see as they write to one another. So now, I tried to show that there were many things that went unsaid, feelings repressed/guarded, and so on, and so forth.
2)Ben's explanation about love in his April 19th letter is inspired by a passage from Neil Gaiman's The Kindly Ones
3) Next up, a return to our normal formatting. Ben settles into his new job, and Felicity has a strange encounter