Disclaimer: Teen Titans © Warner Bros. & DC Comics
A/N: Fun fact for the chapter: The scene between Mari and Jesse wasn't supposed to take place inside in front of the front door. It was supposed to take place in the living room and they were supposed to beat the hell out of each other.
T e n
I ran through the doors of the Tower and let my body collapse on the floor. I didn't cry. Not once. But it felt like my heart was broken. I needed to know why Xavier never told me that he was Red X. I was trustworthy, I could keep a secret, I wouldn't have told anyone his secret identity. I pushed my head against the cold metal floor and fixed my body so that I was putting all my weight on my knees and elbows, my backside facing the sky, my body making a upwards slope starting at my head.
"We need to talk." Jesse said. His voice was cold and unforgiving. I didn't blame him. I pushed myself so that I was sitting tall on my calves.
"We do." I agreed solemnly.
"What the hell did you mean when you said 'I don't love you anymore'?" He demanded. I got up and looked at him, a sad smile on my face, my eyes showing pure sadness according to the mirror behind him.
"Have you noticed something between us, Jess?" I asked sadly.
"No." He replied stubbornly.
"This was a mistake." I sighed. "We should have never dated, Jess. We…we're like those blocks you had when you were younger. You know, the ones where you fit the circle block in the round hole, the diamond block in the diamond hole, and the square block in the square hole."
"What do you mean, Mari?" He asked, afraid to hear what I had to say.
"We're trying to fit two completely different pieces together and it's not working, Jess!" I exclaimed. "It was fun for awhile but, we just aren't good together. You're a jock! I'm the girl who ends up killing the jocks sooner or later! What happened to us? We used to be best friends, then when you met Rose, everything fell apart. I want to go back to that, Jesse! I want us to hang out like the old days! I want to sit in the corridor playing jokes on Vic, I want to throw cards in a hat again, I want us to…just be friends again."
"So," he said in a voice I wasn't sure of. "You'd rather date Redson than date me?
"NO!" I shouted. "I don't want to date either of you! I just want to be single! I just want my friend back." I reached out to touch his face, but he slapped it away. "Jesse…"
"I waited for you to come around and figure out we were meant to be for four years, Mari. Since Christmas, I have noticed that we were breaking apart, but I wanted to keep our flame alive as long as I could. It would have worked too if Redson hadn't of interfered. Now where are we going?" He was screaming now.
"Jess," I said, looking away, "you may love me, but I don't love you anymore, and I can never love you again. It's not anything either of us did and it isn't something we can change. We're older Jess. We gave it our best shot, but it's over. Now all we can do now is cut our losses and move on with what dignity is left. I never cheated on you, not really. I kissed him on the docks, but only as a thank-you. He kissed me in the closet, but only because he loved me. When he told me in the park, right before you and the rest of the Titans burst onto the scene, I was telling him I had a boyfriend. The 'I don't love you' bit slipped out, but I was honest. I don't love any man or boy. I just want to be single again."
"Then maybe you're right. Maybe we should cut our losses." He gave me a dirty look and he sped off. I realized something as he did speed off. I had lost my oldest friend, and I was bitterly alone now. The weeks passed and I never saw Xavier again. Jesse never forgave me for breaking his heart. My father told me that I was to never go near Xavier again or else, but it didn't matter. I didn't love him anymore. I didn't.
0O0O0
After Mari left the park, I left. I went home, crawled into my bed and didn't get up for three whole days. My heart felt like it was ripped apart and burned. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything. My adopted mother understood that I was in emotional pain. She didn't bother me or force me to go to school. Everyone in gang understood too…everyone except Tiny that is. About four days after Mari discovered who I was, he barged into my room and dragged me out of my bed.
"Stop it, X." He snapped. "Look what she's done to you. You didn't take any shit from anyone and now you're letting that bitch break you!"
"You don't understand." I said. "I loved her…More than anything. I'd give her the world if I had to."
"Would you leave the Xs?" He asked.
"Tiny," I begged.
"Would you?" he yelled at me at the top of his lungs. I was glad Emma was not home, although I knew my neighbors upstairs and downstairs would not like Tiny's shouting.
"What point does it make?" I asked. "She never wants to see me again." Pain seared through my body. My heart began racing and my respirations began increasing.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!" Tiny shouted. As I began to get a seizure, he dug in my nightstand for my medication. Finally, he found a small bottle of pain pills. "What the…where are the others?"
"Ma…Mari…has…them…" I managed to gasp. He got me some water and I took a small handful and tried to relax.
"Are you gonna be okay?" He asked worriedly. I laughed halfheartedly.
"As long as I don't think or talk about Mari, yeah." I sighed. "She really meant it, didn't she?" I asked.
"Afraid so, buddy." He said. I pulled my knees up and placed my head on them.
"Maybe it's time I just…let her go then."
"Good." My friend said.
0O0O0
Mid-March
I sat on the couch next to my mother and stared blankly out the window.
"Mariander, the television is not on." My mother informed me.
"I know." I said in a numb emotionless voice. By now, everyone, including Jen and Wally, knew that Jesse and I were over.
"Do you miss him?" She asked.
"Jesse?" I asked in a confused voice.
"No," She shook her head, "I mean X."
"No!" I snapped. I shook my head angrily. "I'm glad he's gone!"
My mother laughed softly and then spoke breezily in a smooth Tameranian flow. 'You are stubborn like your father, my darling.' Normally, I would have argued back in English, but for some reason, my mother's native tongue seemed so comforting.
'What are you talking about?'
'Can you not see it?' My mother arched her perfectly lined eyebrow. 'You love him.'
"No, I don't!" I gasped in English, too surprised at her answer to speak Tamaranian. I jumped up.
"Bumgorf," My mother said in a knowing voice. "You can't eat, you can't sleep, you just sit around and sulk all day. You love him and you know it. You remind me of someone, Mariander."
"Who?" I asked.
"Me, when I was only a few years older than you." She grinned, wider than I had ever seen her in my life.
"Huh?" I was shocked.
"Mariander, when I was twenty, maybe a year or so after I began dating your father, I met someone else. When your father and I broke up, I began dating this…someone. I really loved him, Mariander. But, then, we realized that we were not meant for each other. Our personalities clashed terribly and I realized that I missed your father. So we got back together."
"Before he turned into Rambo on crack?" I asked. She frowned.
"Mariander."
"Sorry." I said. "So, what happened to your 'mystery-man'?"
"He met another woman, we kept in touch for awhile until his fiancée died and his son went into an orphanage. After that, I didn't know…until a few months ago."
"Wait a minute…" I said.
Flashback
"How long have you had XODD?" I asked, anxious to get the details.
"Ever since I was a baby." Xavier said sadly, with a distant look in his eyes. "My dad gave it to my mother and she got pregnant with me. She lasted two months after I was born and died. Dear old dad dumped me off in an orphanage...I dunno, maybe a week later?"
"Mom…" I said. "You don't mean…Please don't tell me Xavier's father was your…boyfriend."
"Hm, actually," my mother confessed, her cheeks turning pink like her perfectly manicured nails, "I think the proper term is…um…lover?"
"Wait a minute, you mean to tell me that you had sex with my ex-best friend's father…" I felt the color drain from my face. My mother quickly caught on.
"We broke up a year before either one of you were even conceived, Mariander." She said. "You are not related."
"Do you ever miss him?" I asked remembering something else. The dress. The black off the shoulder dress that she had given me back when she was dating her Xavier.
"Yes. Sometimes," She confided, "I wish that I could…take him back."
"As in divorce Dad?"
"Please do not tell anyone." She begged. After I gave her my word, she laughed. "How could I ever forget him? He was the first man I ever…"
"Loved?" I offered. She cocked her head. "uh…slept with?" I guessed, blushing myself, wondering why the heck she was even telling me this.
"That's it!" She said.
"Are you trying to give me some kind of moral, Mom, because hearing about your sex life is kinda…creepy." I said.
"My point is," She said sternly, "you love X very much and if you don't go after him, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me." It took me several seconds before I realized my mother was about to cry. Her voice was wavering and she was biting on her lower lip.
"But Mom, I can't." I said, realized that there may be some truth to her words. "I told him I never wanted to see him again. Besides, Dad says I'm not allowed to see him again."
"But I am telling you to go after him." She said. I looked at her with wide eyes. For once in sixteen years (and eight months, counting the months she was pregnant with me), my mother was using her authority on someone.
"Will he take me back?" I asked her, as if I thought she knew what everyone was thinking. I looked at her with a soft "un-Mari" like expression: one filled with hope and innocence.
"He may, he may not. But, my daughter, allow me to ask you a question." She looked at me with a serious expression. "Would you rather be turned down, but know you gave it 'your best shot', or would you rather sulk around the tower, grow old, and, when you are my age, wonder if you could have 'gotten' him back? Go." She urged. I broke out in a smile and threw my arms around my mother's neck.
"What about Dad and Jesse? And the other Titans?" I asked.
"I shall worry about them." She promised with a wide smile. "Now go, before I change my mind." But I know that she did not mean that last part. I took out my communicator and threw it on the sofa. I hugged my mother one last time and I ran out of the Tower. I didn't stop until I was at the Xs' warehouse.
0O0O0
I could tell that no one was the least bit happy to see me darken the doors of the 'hideout' again. Not even Weasel.
"You shouldn't be here, Mari." He said seriously.
"I made a huge mistake." I said. "Please, let me talk to him."
"He's over you now." He said. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. "No get out of here before Tiny or anyone else finds out you're here."
"Where is he?" I persisted.
"Mari--."
"What the hell is she doing here?" Tiny growled. "Get out!"
"I'm just asking for two minutes!" I begged. He scoffed.
"Didn't you get the memo, Bitch?" He grinned, almost Joker-like, "He's moved on."
My eyes moved to the room above, where I could see a silhouette through the windows. I flipped onto the small stairway and rushed up the stairs, hoping to get up there before Tiny or an X caught me. I rushed into the room and closed the door behind me.
"Eh," I heard Tiny grunt, "Let X deal with her."
Xavier was sitting at a desk, bent over some papers. I ignored my partial shock that Xs dealt with paperwork and walked towards the desk.
"Xavier." My voice came out soft, almost like a whisper. Even I could hear my thick feelings of nervousness and fear of rejection. He looked up.
"Bye, Bitch." Tiny said happily. I looked back at him, emotionlessly.
"Bye, Prick. I hope I never see you again." I said boldly though my heart wasn't in my words. I turned back to the large doors of the warehouse and put my hand on the handle.
"Wow," A voice behind me said playfully, "that's gonna be kinda hard, Mari." My head jerked up. I whirled around to see Xavier, grinning widely.
"Wh-what?" I was shocked.
"Hate to break it to you, Mar, but Tiny spends a lot of time with me and so he's gonna have to see my girlfriend a lot."
"Gir-girl…" I stuttered. He laughed and walked towards me.
"The infamous Mari Grayson is at a loss of words?" he grinned evilly He pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the nose.
"I thought that you…" I was in so much shock I couldn't finish my sentence
"I was only pretending," He whispered in my ear, "I wanted to make sure you weren't screwing with me."
"I wasn't." I swore without hesitation.
"I love you, Mari." he said before kissing my lips tenderly. A rush of emotion assailed me and my heart raced happily in my chest. As Xavier moved away and my head cleared enough to think properly, I realized that this was the happiest I had ever felt since Murray died.
"I love you too." I replied, burying my head in his warm chest. Xavier's touch was far more inviting than Jesse's ever was and I loved it. I felt safe for once in my life and I loved it. I was safe and warm in my love's arms and I knew that I would never regret listening to my mother's advice.