Thanks a lot for every review :)

Okay, maybe 'the greatest idea ever' was not the best way to put it. But somehow it fit. Not to mention that I get to torture Eiri a little more … Am I too much of a sadist? I'm starting to fear that inside me there is hiding a serial killer, but maybe that's just an overdose of criminal minds … after all, not a month has passed since I started with season one and right now I am watching season five.

So, today is the 24th December, 2011 … it's Christmas Eve … and by definition that day has always made me sad – depressed, really – maybe one of the reasons why I wanted to see Eiri suffer a little more …

Christmas … that holiday sucks.

Eiri sat at home, it was the only thing he could do, really. He was under permanent surveillance in case the kidnappers would make a call or contact him in any way. They also said that was unlikely, but they wanted to cover all eventualities.

They had told him that it wasn't his fault, that the abductors specifically targeted their 'prey' and that they would have taken Shuichi anyway on the next possible occasion, that he shouldn't blame himself for letting Shuichi go home alone. After all, Shuichi wasn't a child anymore and there was no way of knowing that something like this would happen. If he thought about it, it felt like a bad written crime story. A German poem? Really? If he would write some crime story, it would turn out rather differently, but maybe that was because you could see the big picture, or because you as a writer know the innermost secrets of all your characters, you know why someone kidnaps, why someone kills. You know the motive, you know what they're gonna do … and most importantly you know that there was no way the kidnapped people would die eventually, not the important ones at least.

If he only knew that Shuichi would come back … not seeing him again, ever … it made him sick just to think about it. Yes, he'd told him that he loved Shuichi, but … it felt like his chance for happiness had slipped away when it had been in his reach. He couldn't find a positive way to look at all this. He needed something to keep himself busy. The only thing he could come up with in his empty apartment was his laptop. He had promised himself not to write again until things with Shuichi were settled, hopefully in his favor … but his thoughts were so twisted. He wouldn't get himself to focus. He needed a distraction.

Distraction from everything. Especially Shuichi and that he wasn't here with him. How could someone snap someone like Shuichi away? He was … good. Shuichi was innocent, pure even, despite everything he'd seen or done or had been done to him he seemed so … he was … he was Shuichi. The only person who had never looked at him like … like Tohma, Mika, or anyone who knew, even though he projected that look onto every face, had the feeling that everyone had been looking at him like … that. He felt a tear drop from his eye and that was when he knew he had to find some kind of way to relieve this anxiety, to get this feeling away. This feeling that he would never see Shuichi again. He tried to stay positive, he really tried, but he couldn't stay positive. Not in the condition his mind was in.

He took his laptop to the living room, sat on the couch and started writing.

He hadn't written something in a long time or at least it seemed like that. It felt strange to write that crappy love story stuff again, almost as if it wasn't what his heart wanted him to write down. However, what else could he write? He wasn't the type to write science fiction, crime, thriller, mystery or fantasy and he certainly wasn't cut out for comedy. He could try poetry again, though verses had never been his strong suit. Of course, he could write the occasional poem or lyrics for a song or something, but it wasn't really his thing, so romance it was and romance it would always be. Needless to say, there were varieties of romance. He'd never thought about that, really. None of his novels had ever ended happily, he had always killed one or two people. There'd never been a funny story. He'd managed one or two funny sentences in some of his books. Maybe he should go into that direction. Yeah, funny romance, very funny indeed. Comedy was not something Eiri could write. Comedy was something other people should write. He was cut out for sad romance novels and that was what he should write. The last thing he wanted to write about was a person in love, though. He had to write something, anything, really. If only to make him focus on something else but his own worries.

Yes, bourbon would do that job, too, but he hadn't had a glass since he'd left the hospital and he wasn't going to start that bad habit again. He had finally left his bad habits behind. He didn't depend on cigarettes any more, he didn't want alcohol any more. He drank coffee, yes, but coffee wasn't the kind of drug that only had negative consequences in the long run. After all, coffee didn't simply increase your blood pressure but it also regulated it in the other direction if necessary. Now that he thought about it, maybe he should get himself a cup of coffee or a pot of tea or whatever. Something to calm him down.

The next day was just like that. He sat at his desk, thinking about what to do, because leaving his home was not an option. Not when any minute either the kidnappers could call to demand something or the police could tell him good news.

He didn't know how he would cope if there were no good news. He just tried to not give up hope. Shuichi would come home. Healthy. He would come home and die at a hundred and ten in his arms, not turn up dead somewhere. He shouldn't think in that direction. He shouldn't think about what he would do if they wouldn't find Shuichi alive. He had to stay positive … or at least push the thought away until he had to think it. He was very good at avoiding things.

After all, he had managed to push off and avoid telling Shuichi how he felt until it had been too late. That wasn't that hard to do again, was it? He would just avoid thinking about Shuichi, how they were most likely torturing, raping or killing him, how maybe they had already killed him, how maybe they had dumped his dismembered body somewhere in a lake or dumpster or forest where he'd never find him. He would just avoid thinking about that.

It was like telling yourself not to think about pink elephants. You tell someone not to think about pink elephants, what does the person think about – most likely – ? Yes, pink elephants. Try not thinking about how someone was doing unspeakable things to the person you love and your thoughts would drift there with absolute certainty. Shuichi would never sing a song again if this ended badly and Eiri would never hear that voice again, not in the flesh at least.

Hey, maybe that was the momentary solution for his wandering mind. Music. He'd never really listened to anything, wasn't a fan of anything, but of course he had bought every CD Bad Luck had ever published. He didn't exactly know why, it wasn't like he wouldn't have gotten a live performance if only he had asked, so, really, there was no point in actually possessing the CDs. Of course he would have never asked Shuichi to sing for him (not that he'd ever had to with Shuichi singing all the time) he would never voluntarily admit that he loved Shuichi's voice.

And he didn't even know if Shuichi had still been in love with him when they had parted the night of the abduction. So even if Shuichi would come home safely, they might never be together again. Not the way it should be at least. He would never … be complete. He had to get a grip on himself, he couldn't break down the way he'd done before, because if there really was no way Shuichi would come back, nobody would wake him. These days he was rather grateful that Ryuichi had shown up one day, but if Shuichi either never came home again or didn't love him anymore there was nothing that could keep him sane any longer. He couldn't have Shuichi out of his life. There was no way in hell that would actually work. He could try, in a different country, but he would never fully recover.

He stared at his blank screen, trying to type something, but nothing came to his mind. Nothing useful at least. The only things that came to his mind were descriptions of torture and murder. Every other thought had left his mind, all he could imagine was something happening to Shuichi. He knew it wasn't healthy. He knew that sooner or later he would slip into that insane state again if he wouldn't manage to leave that line of thought.

The phone ringing effectively distracted him. Was it the bastards who had taken Shuichi? He fumbled his phone put of his pocket, but his hands were shaking and he almost dropped it before he could look at the caller ID. It was Tohma, Eiri pondered a second if that was a good or a bad sign, but then took the call.

"What is it?" he asked in a shaky voice he didn't recognize as his own.

"They found the kidnappers and Shuichi was still alive when they got there."

"How is he?"

"They don't yet know his exact condition."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't think I should tell you this over the phone."

"That bad?"

"That's not it. I just can't put it in words."

"Where are you? Where can I find him?"

"They brought him to the exact same hospital you were in. You want me to send a car?"

"No … I can drive myself."

"You are not driving right now. Your voice is trembling and I don't need to be in an accident and have you hospitalized again that soon."

So, that was number eleven. I'm not quite happy with it, but I'm generally not happy around Christmas, so that's no surprise … ^^

I have a question for you folks, I can go some ways from here and I don't quite know which one's the right one to take.

The insanely cruel monster inside me wants Shuichi to have permanent psychological damage and never recover. = Shuichi never leaves a mental asylum again and Eiri … well pretty much follows the road down to insanity … or something along these lines.

The person desperately in love with EiriXShuichi that lives buried deep inside my heart wants them to get through all that mess I created.

The other monster inside me thinks about having Shuichi die because of things the kidnappers did to him, his last words being "I've always loved you", leaving Eiri all alone without something to hold on to in his life any more.

I'm not really happy these days so the outlooks for both of them aren't that rosy, but I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of letting them have their happy ending. Point me into the right direction please, I'm kinda lost on this one …

If you have any comments on the chapter or any idea which path I should take, feel free to review :)

LG and Merry Christmas

Ina