A/N - Let me start by apologizing for a short chapter (for this fic), but since I'll be double-posting tomorrow with 5k words of Shenko goodness, I hope you'll forgive me :-) Liara fans - and I'm not spoiling here since you knew we were headed to Illium - I have to beg your forgiveness as well, but I have to fix another ME2 pet peeve in this chapter... As always, all credit for the characters, some of the dialog, and the ME universe go to Bioware

Thanks to everyone for reading and for the alerts and favorites... Thanks to Gabe97, SilentPony, Letticiae, and Abionastar50 for taking the time to share your thoughts - your feedback is much appreciated!

Once again, special thanks to my beta StoneburntHeart for all her help :-)

"Commander Shepard," the Illusive Man greeted her with what appeared to be satisfaction ringing in his drawl.

"We're not friends - and we're not going to be - Illusive Man," Shepard shot back acidly, "so this better not be a social call."

"While I'll admit I did want to get acquainted," the Illusive Man replied, puffing on his cigarette, then exhaling slowly, "I do have business to discuss."

Shepard stood, hands on hips, and waited him out.

"Very well," he sighed, "Perhaps in time you won't be so confrontational."

"Don't bet on it," she muttered.

"Miranda informed me that you're headed to Illium, so I've forwarded you a new dossier. There's a drell assassin there that you may want to add to your team," he continued as if he hadn't heard her.

Shepard raised a brow. A thief, a crazy biotic convict, and now an assassin? No wonder Cerberus had become the organization that they were today if the Illusive Man considered those types ideal recruits.

"I'll review the file," she snapped back in response, refusing to give an inch, certainly unwilling to give thanks.

He nodded and ended the conference before she could. He was a master of strategy and tactical retreat was the only smart move at this point.

~x~

Shepard had stopped by the armory on the way to the CIC. She fully intended to conduct herself on board this parody ship in much the same way as she had the original. That meant getting to know each of her crew – inside and out. It was a valuable skill she had learned under Anderson. It was safer to go into combat if the soldier guarding your back didn't see you as just a figurehead and their CO, but rather a real person. On the flip side, Shepard benefited by knowing how the individual would react in stressful situations and be better able to give commands and be more easily understood by them in return. It was that symbiotic cohesion - she counted it among the reasons she had been successful against Saren - that she expected from this new team as well.

If Jacob Taylor knew that reasoning, perhaps she wouldn't now be standing, mouth agape, trying to decide if his remark about fraternization was a pointed dig at her relationship with Kaidan or… a pass? Was Jacob Taylor hitting on her? What the fuck?

Shepard considered Taylor the lesser of two Cerberus evils on board, in fact, in their previous conversation, she had found him fairly honest – not a trait she usually associated with that organization - but a little aloof. But the idea that the man would see her push against his aloofness and attempt to establish rapport as anything more than the actions of a dedicated commander was… ridiculous. Time to shut this down, ASAP.

"Mr. Taylor," Shepard said, raising a hand and straightening from the table against which she had been leaning, "I do appreciate your information about fraternization, but I assure you my interest was purely professional. I make it a habit to get to know all my personnel on a one-to-one, so I'm not here out of anything more than that. Is that going to be a problem?"

She could swear she saw color rise in his cheeks before he, also, fell into military habits and straightened, snapped to attention, and gave her a smart, "No, ma'am." The only thing missing was a salute.

"Good," she said, relaxing her posture again and giving him a smile, "so as I was saying, tell me about your career with the Alliance…"

~x~

Shepard once again disembarked solo when they arrived at Illium. She had a few items on her agenda, and she doubted she needed a full team for the first few, no matter how outside the law Illium operated. Her information was that the station had its own code, but was civilized, so she didn't see the need for a full squad accompaniment on a few meetings.

She didn't raise her brows in surprise when she was met by the concierge and informed that her docking fees had been paid by Liara T'Soni. The information broker – it was still hard to reconcile her young friend with that title – was one of her reasons for being here and that Liara had already known Shepard was headed to Illium spoke highly of her qualifications. Shepard would need her skills, so she was glad of the proof that they were sharp.

Liara would wait, though, so Shepard headed to her first destination - the Eternity Bar in the northeast quadrant. She found her quarry in the corner, sitting a table, slumped over a drink, and watching the asari table dancer entertaining a bachelor party at a nearby table with a nearly bored look on his face. She took the seat opposite him, blocking his sight line.

"What's a kick ass pilot like you doing in a place like this?" Shepard quipped to her old friend, brows raised.

"Not as much as I'd like to," he shot back, trying to see around her.

"Oh please, Joker, that asari would break you," Shepard said, turning to watch the female in question, "I mean, just look at how she can… bend."

"I was trying to," Joker said sounding grumpy. Then he sobered and asked, "Wanna tell me why Hackett had my orders suddenly changed and my CO dropped me here to wait for a ghost?"

"I'm not the one who died," Shepard said sadly.

"Might as well have," Joker replied, "for all anyone's seen of you for two years. Hell, Shepard, I know you were close to Kaidan, but I thought the Alliance was your first love… What happened? Why did you disappear?"

"Things were…" she trailed off, trying to find the right explanation and settled on, "complicated."

He studied her, trying to understand what she wasn't saying, but finally seemed to accept her lack of explanation with a nod.

"Ok, I get that," he went on, "but why am I here now?"

Shepard grinned, appreciating her old friend. It was good to be with people who knew her so well again.

"Would you accept 'it's complicated' on that one, too?" she asked him.

"Not likely," Joker replied, "you only get one pass a day with me."

"Alright, Joker," Shepard nodded, "here goes…"

She proceeded to explain the situation and why she asked him to meet her. Ten minutes later, she had acquired the best pilot in the Alliance – and another trusted friend – for her team.

~x~

Shortly after leaving Joker, she stood in the office of another old and trusted friend, returning Liara's warm hug.

"Liara, it's so good to see you," Shepard said cheerfully, "Ms. Information Broker, huh?"

"It's paid the bills since… the Normandy" Liara replied, "although I'm sure you find it hard to imagine I'm the same person as that young Prothean scientist you met years ago."

"I don't know," Shepard laughed, seating herself in one of the chairs facing Liara's desk, "archeologist to information broker – I guess now you're just digging for facts on living people rather than dead."

"When you put it that way…" Liara laughed and sat as well, "What brings you here?"

"I'm looking for information, actually," Shepard told her, "on a Cerberus operative named Miranda Lawson. I need… leverage."

Liara nodded and made a note on her terminal. "It will take me some time, I'll have to tap a few sources, and Cerberus is… tricky." the asari mumbled.

Shepard watched her friend for a moment, quietly studying her. Something wasn't right…

"Liara," Shepard said to get her attention, "you're not going to ask me why?"

"My sources told me you arrived on a ship with a Cerberus logo," Liara was still avoiding her, Shepard could tell.

"And you're not going to ask why Commander Shepard would be on a Cerberus vessel? What's going on, Liara?" Shepard asked sharply.

Shepard watched as Liara hesitated, still refusing to meet her eyes, until she finally looked up, misery apparent in her demeanor.

"Shepard, I know Kaidan is alive," Liara said softly, "and it's my fault."

"Your fault? What do you mean Liara?" Shepard said in alarm.

"I gave his body to Cerberus… I had to. They said they could rebuild him," Liara answered sadly.

Shepard stood. A red haze of anger flooded her vision. She couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. She began to pace in agitation, trying to release some of her tension. There was more here, something that Liara wasn't yet saying, and she knew she needed the information. But first, she needed to calm down. After several deep breaths, she stopped pacing and again faced the desk.

"Why?" she asked, all her anger flowing through just one word.

"Because I had to get him away from the Shadow Broker – he was planning to sell Kaidan's body to the Collectors." Liara replied, some anger of her own coloring her voice, "I couldn't let that happen."

Shepard ignored the statement about the Collectors for now. She figured the bastards were trying to get her, any way possible, and didn't mind using Kaidan to do it. They were going to get their wish, soon. Too bad it wasn't going to have the result they expected. But as for her 'friend'…

"So you turned him over to a terrorist organization instead?" Shepard was shouting now and didn't care, "How is that better? That operative - Miranda Lawson? The one I asked you for information on? She's got a leash – some electronic device – in Kaidan's head, which might kill him. That's what you did by interfering!"

"I did it for you!" Liara protested.

"For me?" Shepard spat angrily, "I understand getting him away from the Collectors – I even thank you for it. But how does giving him to Cerberus, and keeping it a secret for two years, amount to doing it for me?"

"I thought you would want to have him back," Liara sighed, "I saw how much pain you were in, after he died. Then you disappeared, and I didn't know if Cerberus would succeed, it just seemed like I would make things worse… I'm sorry." She was crying now.

Shepard nodded. She refused to feel guilt for causing Liara pain, causing her tears. She was too angry to care right now. Sure, on some level, her heart sang with joy that Kaidan was alive, but the mess they were in was too deep and too dangerous, to feel any gratitude to Liara for her part in Kaidan's resurrection. She moved toward the door and turned to face her old friend before she opened it to leave.

"Just get me the information," she said quietly, then opened the door and walked out.

~x~

Shepard was still in a lousy mood when she returned to the Normandy to suit up for her final piece of business on Ilium. She stopped in the CIC and asked Chambers to notify Garrus and Grunt that they were on her squad for the mission to recruit the assassin, and headed to the armory to check her weapons and armor. Kaidan found her there minutes later.

"Shepard," he greeted her, leaning against the door, "you're prepping for a mission?"

She looked up distractedly from her checks and nodded. "Yeah, new dossier, assassin this time," she said with some sarcasm.

"I'll get my gear," Kaidan replied, moving in to the room towards the locker himself.

She reached out and grabbed his arm, stilling his approach, "You're not going. I'm taking Garrus and Grunt."

Kaidan might have accepted it casually. It had been rare for her to leave him aboard the Normandy for ground missions in the past, but it had occasionally happened. True, it was usually only when he was suffering a migraine or the after-effects of one. And Kaidan had always followed her orders, regardless of whether or not he agreed. This time, though, something in her demeanor was different. There was some other reason she was leaving him behind. Something she wasn't saying.

"You're not taking me?" Kaidan asked her, trying to understand.

Shepard stopped checking the mods on the shotgun she was holding and looked at Kaidan. She glanced away, over her shoulder, and called to the man standing behind her, "Mr. Taylor, give us the room, please?"

She waited until Jacob nodded and exited toward the tech labs, and then turned back to Kaidan.

"You're benched," she told him quietly.

"Benched?" he repeated in disbelief, "Why?" He knew he was treading the line of insubordination. It was not an act that he had ever considered before. It went completely against grain for him. But right now, in this moment, he saw Shepard as the woman he loved rejecting him, rather than his commander giving an order. Thankfully, she responded in kind, although it didn't make her answer any easier to hear.

"Because I can't trust you - not now," she told him quietly. Then she turned back to her preparations in dismissal.

Kaidan stood, shocked, staring at her for another full minute before he turned and left the room. He walked slowly, stiffly, his entire body reflecting the pain he felt from her simple quiet words.

She watched him go out of the corner of her eye. She felt every step as a pain of her own. In her heart, she cried quiet tears for him, but she couldn't afford the indulgence now. She took a deep breath and began to put her armor on. She had an assassin to recruit now. She would deal with Kaidan later.