A/N: Hello? Is anyone still out there? Does this story still have readers? Because this author was careless and didn't update this story in over a month. I'm so so so so so sorry. Thank you for all the wonderful comments, and for all the messages asking for an update to this story and again I'm sorry for taking so long. I hope you were patient to wait for this, and while I can't say that it was worth the wait (as I do believe this update is shitty, and it took me two weeks to write it), it's honestly all I have to offer. So if you're still out there, feel free to tell me I suck.
Elizabeth was standing in front of her closet, her eyes scanning the variety of clothes, her fingers moving through the delicate fabrics. She tried to convince herself that it doesn't matter, or that she shouldn't care. But truth was, she knew that the minute she would put on any of these clothes, the absence of her breasts would be so clear. These clothes used to fit her perfectly, but now, she realized, they would look odd, perhaps unfitting. She glanced at him when he emerged from their bathroom, her eyes pleading, practically begging for his help. Tilting his head, he crooked a brow, looking for a reason to explain her expression.
"I have nothing to wear." she whispered, staring at the floor at the admission.
"Babe, you have more clothes than any woman I know."
"Yeah, but unlike other women, I have no breasts." Her voice held so much bitterness when she spoke, and she couldn't help but wonder at what point did she become so angry. It was only the beginning, she couldn't let it get to her that way. Not yet.
Reaching for his own closet, he pulled out a gift bag and handed it to her. "Maybe this will help?" he offered a smile.
A bit hesitant, she opened the wrapped present to find a black pocketed plunge wire-free bra. With her eyes opened wide, she met his eyes as he eagerly waited for her reaction. "Is this some sort of a wicked joke?" her voice cracked, the tears already visible at the corner of her eyes.
"What? No!" he answered immediately. He didn't think it through, when he decided to get her this. He just wanted to make her feel better; this wasn't supposed to pain her more.
"What am I going to do with this, then?" a single tear rolled down her cheek and she swallowed hard to keep the sobs inside.
"I… I'm sorry… I looked online… Never mind, this was a bad idea. I'm sorry." He reached for the garment to take it from her hand, as if needing to hide this painful reminder from her.
Retreating, she held onto it, her eyes never leaving his. "What did you think when you got this?"
"I…" he sighed heavily. "This is designed especially for women after mastectomy. I don't know if it actually fits, but the woman at the store said it should give you some sort of…" He scratched his scalp, looking for the right word. She looked at him, waiting for him to finish his sentence, eager to hear what he had to offer. "Make you feel a bit like before?" he tried, biting his lip as he waited for her own response.
Placing the garment on the chair next to her, she moved her hands to the hem of her sweatshirt. Once topless, she put the bra on, adjusting the straps to fit her. The size was perfect. Of course it was, Henry knew her body like the back of his hand. The fabric was soft against the stitches that still pained her; the deep-cut arm hole accommodating her lymph node incision scars. The cups creating a form of breast that almost looked real. She reached for her favorite blouse, pulling it down her head and adjusting it. She then turned to look at herself in the mirror, finding Henry standing behind her. She smiled; it was perfect. Letting out a shaky breath, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to his chest.
"I don't think you need it. You're perfect just the way you are." He whispered softly in her ear. "But I wanted to make sure you had no room for doubts or insecurities. I wanted it to not be an issue, because it isn't."
Blinking back her tears, she turned in his arms, reaching for his lips. As their kiss ended, she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest, letting his steady heart beat calm her down. "You have no idea how much I love you." She muttered.
Chuckling, he pressed a kiss to her hair. "I think I have a clue".
If there was one thing Elizabeth hated the most was hospitals. She couldn't stand the smell, the white walls, the feeling of coldness. It was why she dragged her feet that morning, taking forever to get ready. Henry had to literally pull her out of the house and get her into the car. He was smart enough to cancel his morning classes so he could join her, in spite of her useless tries in talking him out of it. He knew her better than to leave her alone.
Sinking into the chair, she let out a sigh, expressing her discomfort and her reluctance to be there.
"Madam Secretary." A petite woman walked into the room with a soft smile on her face. She was skinny, her green eyes hiding behind a dark framed glasses. She held a chart in her hand and an IV bag which Elizabeth marked as her poison. "My name is Lisa, I'll be here for all your treatments." She offered her hand politely, which both Elizabeth and Henry accepted, introducing themselves and insisting to go by their first name. Lisa brought pillows and a blanket, adjusting them so that Elizabeth was comfortable enough in her seat. She then carefully inserted the needle into Elizabeth's arm and apologized as she winched with pain. Once the IV was inside, Elizabeth settled back in her chair and watched as the drug streamed slowly in the tube that led to her, feeling the cold liquid as in her vein.
Caressing her hand and smiling, Henry reached for his bag and pulled out their old scrabble board. "I figured you will need the distraction."
A smirk spread across her face. "And you thought scrabble was a good idea? Are you trying to take advantage of my situation to finally win this game?"
Chuckling, he arranged the tiles for the game. "We'll see."
And somehow, he was leading by thirty points and he couldn't stop grinning like a fool at the fact that he might actually win. After almost 28 years with her. Of course, all it took was for her to get cancer. He blinked a few times at that thought and then focused his eyes on her, needing desperately to shake it off. Her eyes were closed and she took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. She was pale and it suddenly occurred to him that while they were busy playing, she was still hooked to this horrible drug that was supposed to save her, if it wouldn't kill her first.
"Babe?" he reached for her hand, soothing her skin with his thumb and forcing her attention back to him. "Are you okay?"
Opening her eyes, she smiled and nodded. "I'm perfectly fine. Just calculating my next moves, as I'm about to kick your ass."
"Sweetie, if you think I'm going to go easy on you just because you're not feeling well, you got it wrong. I own this game."
Laughing, she shook her head. "You know, I love you, and I love when you get cocky. And when you think you can actually beat me. But…" she arranged her tiles on the board, scoring 40 points and finishing all of her tiles in one turn, leaving him with his mouth open, shocked at how she mastered this game without even trying. "You were saying?" she giggled, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms on her stomach, a winning grin on her face.
He was about to protest, to claim that the word she just spelled isn't even a word; that it was cheating; anything to get him to disqualify her moves. But Lisa walked back into the room. She moved around Elizabeth, checking her vital signs before removing the IV carefully. "If you feel nausea or pain…"
"I have a doctor living with me." Elizabeth smiled. "Two weeks?"
"Yes." Lisa nodded and moved to clear the way for Elizabeth to stand.
Henry was on his feet as well, moving to stand next to her and pull her to his embrace, wrapping a firm arm around her and pulling her to lean against him. "I'm fine." She whispered, meeting his eyes.
He helped her into the car, his eyes scanning her every few minutes, looking for any sign of sickness. He was certain she would do everything to hide it, and he was determined to read her, to know better. He didn't notice they were heading the direction of the state department, too busy focusing on her. Until the cars stopped and they weren't near their Georgetown home. "No." he protested, holding her hand and restricting her movements.
"Henry, I feel fine. Not everyone gets sick after chemo, okay? I'm not going to sit at home if I feel fine."
He had a full argument ready, but she opened the door and was inside the building before he could even say a word. He knew better than to chase her inside; Elizabeth was the most stubborn person he'd ever met and if she had her mind set on going to work, there was probably nothing he could do to make her change her mind. Instead, he texted Blake to keep an eye on her and let him know if she's not feeling well. He was grateful that the kid was fond of the both of them, enough to cooperate with Henry and not worry that Elizabeth will end up firing him.
Nothing prepared her for this. Sure, she heard from people who had cancer; she read all the medical brochures and listened as all the medical team that was in charge of healing her repeated it over and over again. But she was sure she would be that slim change of not suffering. She would be the one to say that she has cancer but it doesn't affect her daily routine. She refused to let it win. She refused to be sick.
Emerging from her bathroom for what seemed to be like the 4th time in the past two hours, she sighed with frustration. She had to lean against the doorframe, the fatigue quickly winning her over. Her head was pounding and in spite of just emptying her stomach, she felt the nausea again and turned back to her toilets. She sank to the floor, wiping the cold sweat from her forehead, and closed her eyes. A single tear rolled down her cheek before she forced herself to stand again.
"Ma'am?" Nadine called from her office, impatiently waiting for a response. Nadine was in charge. No one assigned this position to her, but she knew she was in charge. She was the chief of staff; she was the oldest; and Elizabeth confided in her. Besides, she knew Henry well enough, and she knew that if anything were to happen to his wife, she wouldn't be able to look him in the eye ever again.
Slowly walking out of the bathroom, Elizabeth forced a smile on her face. "Yeah."
"I'm telling Blake to have your car ready for you."
"No, no need. I'm okay. I have a few more things to finish before I head home."
Squinting her eyes, Nadine examined her boss from head to toe. "Nadine, really. Don't worry."
"You might want to use some makeup if you're planning on keeping this play pretend when you go home."
Elizabeth barely had the strength to step out of the car, let alone climb the stairs that led to her house. Her purse hung loosely on her shoulder, her arms limp at each side of her body. She dragged her feet, stopping every few seconds to lean against the railing until she finally made it to the front door. Taking Nadine's advice, she made sure to freshen her makeup, hoping she would at least be able to pull it together until she reached her bedroom. She was grateful that everyone was busy in the kitchen with dinner that they didn't even hear her come in. With great pain, she managed to climb the stairs to their bedroom, reaching for the bathroom just in time to empty her stomach once again.
She washed her mouth, the cold water paining her as her mouth and throat felt sore. She glanced at her image at the mirror, fixing her hair in a desperate need to look decent. She strode to the closet, wincing as she stretched her arms to remove her blouse, feeling a burn in every part of her body. And then the cold air hit her skin, and she was quite certain she could actually feel it in her bones. She shivered, the fabric of her sweatshirt barely providing the heating she needed.
"You might want to remove all that makeup." She jumped at the sound of his voice, unaware of his presence.
"I…"
He moved closer, wrapping his arms around her. "Save it. Nadine, Blake and Matt kept me posted all day. And no amount of makeup can cover that pain and fatigue in your eyes."
She trembled in his embrace, sinking deeper into him as she couldn't carry her weight anymore. He held her tight, making her cry out as his hold hurt her. He pressed a kiss to her hair and picked her up, carrying her to the bed and helping her under the covers. "Will recommended a warm bath but I think you should try and sleep a little."
She nodded, pulling the blanket to wrap around her. Her eyes welled with tears when she met his glance, no longer capable of playing the brave one. "I'm sorry." She muttered.
"For?" he frowned.
"For being the mess that I am right now; for not being stronger. For putting you through this."
He was about to answer when she suddenly jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom again, coughing as she had nothing more to vomit. She collapsed on the floor, her head resting against the cold marble. Pulling her to rest against his chest, he held a warm towel to her forehead. "You're a fighter Elizabeth. You're my fighter."