Disclaimer: Do not own anything.

~~ The Monster Inside Of Me ~~

~~ 1. September, Dawn ~~

"Echizen.. wait.. I'll switch on the lights." Fuji said tiredly and grabbed for the switch of the lamp but suddenly something warm and cold held his hand back and a hot breath caressed his face. The hand was shivering and the pressure around his wrist was stronger then he had thought.

"F-Fuji-senpai, y-you don't need to. It's okay. I-I had just… a bad dream, that's all." Fuji opened his eyes and saw through the darkness the shining golden eyes. Where Echizen's eyes always so clear and... beautiful? The hot breath against his skin and the coldness which came from the boy's body above him told him how close the teen was. One more inch and their lips would meet. Ryoma's heart beat so fast, Fuji could feel it as he touched the emerald-haired teen's wrist. The pulse raced in the veins. Was Ryoma nervous? Why? Was that even possible? Echizen was never nervous! The brunette tried hard to see the color of the boy's face but it was too dark.

'It's easy to change this. I want to make sure if my guess is right!'

"Seiichi…" It wasn't a question and his lover knew exactly what he wanted. Sometimes they had the feeling they were twins. They mostly thought the same at the same time. Strange. The teen above him stirred and just when Ryoma tried to pull away and let go of his wrist, the tensais changed their positions.

Ryoma had no idea what had happened. He had steadied his weight on the bed but he pulled his hand away from the tensai's wrist, his weight was all of a sudden changing. The tensais turned to him, changed their positions and he lost his balance, falling straight forward – right between the two, in the middle of them with his new fuzzy tail waving around and brushing the brunette's face. His cat ears were twitching from right to left, like a cat's would do, touching something soft what the half-boy thought was Seiichi's face. The blush which was already on his cheeks turned darker, the scent from them made him relax for a second and the lightly touch sent him to heaven. Everything was strange and foreign for him. Was it normal to feel like that? His mind reminded him in which situation he was in.

'Oh god… That can't be real! That's the worst which could have happened! Somehow I need to get o…'

The light switched on, Ryoma was lying on his stomach with his furry tail waving in the air and his soft cat ears moving around. He forced his eyes to shut and waited for the moment where his heart was getting ripped for the last and the most painful time. The young teen swallowed hard, his pulse got even higher, faster. He waited for the impact. "E-Echizen… what is this?" Two pairs of eyes stared at him in the dimmed light. The room was light enough to see everything – his tail which had escaped his pyjama pants and swung around plus the new pair of ears which nobody could hide.

'Here it comes!'

Ryoma curled up, hugged his knees while hiding his face behind them and lying on the left side. They had hovered above him; there was no way out of it anymore. He hadn't any control over the fuzzy thing on his butt but it curled itself around his left leg with his ears laying flat down on his face. The things were reacting on its own and he would need to learn how to control them. The half-boy tried to shut everything out, tried not to hear the screams and curses which would follow soon. Someone poke his ear and another let his hand slid over his tail.

"This isn't a custom." It wasn't a question, it was a fact and Syusuke knew that. The bed got different as the two tensais moved again, the warmth got closer and something tried to loosen his tail from his leg but the thing tightened only more and he whimpered when another pull got too strong. Did they want him to suffer? Were they going to bring him pain? An other hand stroke his flat cat ears, now more certain and gentle. Ryoma was still waiting for the pain, the screams and the disaster.

"I can't believe it. This is really a part of you?" The voice of Seiichi was gentle and caring, no fear, no hate or angst in it. Should he take a look at them? Should he risk it? Could he risk it? What would happen next? The caresses over his right cat ear continued, the soft hand which had first touched his tail was now stroking his left cat ear and he relaxed a bit, loosening the tight grips of his body. Something warm and heavy got laid down over his shivering body. He snapped his eyes open, wanting to stand up and escape the probably bad thing which would bring him pain but he got pushed down again. All color drained from his face.

"Forget it, Echizen. You'll not run away anew. I mean it. Try it and I'll tie you on the bed!" The tensai with the ocean-blue eyes was serious, the warning clear, nevertheless, he kicked them away and jumped out of the bed. He guessed… no, he was certain they would hurt him anyway. If he obeyed or not, they were going to hurt him! Everyone did and everyone would do. The sharp pain over his feet made him surrender and he fell to the ground, wincing from it. Shit! Ryoma had forgotten about the wounds on his feet and his left wrist. The ached was immense and crashed in him like a lightning. For a second his sight turned black.

"Echizen!" Both sprinted to him, wanted to help him to get up but he blocked them, pushed and shoved them off. The more they knew about him, the more dangerous it would get. He couldn't risk to reveal his secret to them! He didn't want them to know his true feelings; he didn't want to feel like a traitor every time he met their eyes. "Ryoma! You're hurt, god damn it! You need to rest, even if you don't trust or like us, at least let us help you!" His power, his will and his body froze all at once. The words had a piercing thrill for him.

'Even if I don't like you? Isn't it the other way around? How can it be? You want to help me? Me, the strange, cold and heartless monster?'

"I know your past and I also know how hard it can be to live with a… crazy person. Because of this, I started a new life here. You can start a new life as well. Here, in this house with us. We would be like… brothers. There isn't anyone who is going to hurt you. I promise you, nobody will ever harm you from now on."

"A family protects one another and holds together."

'Living with you? One life near you? We all together? I can see you everyday?'

Happiness spread inside his wild heart but it didn't last long before it began to freeze anew. Closely all the people in the house had lovers. All his crushes had a boyfriend. They had said it. They were like brothers, nothing more or less. Normally, Ryoma would be happy but the knowledge, he would never be more than a little brother to them, let tears well up in his eyes.

'Never a chance. Never a try. It would have been too good to be true. I should be happy; they hadn't chased me out for now. Usually I would be running outside to search a new place to sleep.'

"I think you look cute. I like you that way." Ryoma looked at the brunette with wide eyes. Had they called him… cute? How dare they call him cute but at least it was better then hearing them calling him a monster. The boy was surprised by the friendly reaction but the fear of an after reaction was still there. Why? Why weren't they scared? It made him creepy. How could they be so... normal?

"Why…"

Fuji stood up and signalled him to stay silent and put, while he wanted to bring him something which left Ryoma and Seiichi alone in one room. The captain of Rikkaidai carried the stunned teen back on the bed and covered him with the blanket. The emerald-haired boy lay down onto his stomach as his back was still aching. "You don't need to be so frightened. I, too, think that you're cute with these fuzzy ears. It suits you." Seiichi let his hand room over his sensitive spot – the skin under his human ear. A purr escaped Ryoma's mouth and he held his hand before his mouth, ashamed about his action. Since when could he make such sounds?

The blood circled in his head for the nth time and he created a new color of red. The bluenette chuckled by his sweet action, wanted to stroke the place again and hear the ecstatic sound from the boy once more but Ryoma pushed himself away and turned his face in his direction. Their eyes met, the moment froze as the half-boy saw into the dark violet eyes, the door opened. No one of them noticed it and they stared further in their eyes – totally captivated. Fuji got back into the room with a bag in his hand. The teen closed the door before locking it. He was caged. The clicking sound woke him up and the young teen shot his head to the other side of the room, seeing the smaller tensai carrying his bag and getting closer.

Ryoma got scared; nonetheless, he tried hard not to show it to the two. Why were they getting so close to him? Why weren't they shocked or surprised by his changes? Why was his bag here? The emerald-haired teen backed secretly a few inches away but the bluenette caught him at his cat ears to hold him at his old place. Without knowing it, Ryoma hissed and Karupin would have been proud of him if the cat wouldn't be hiding under the bed and 'cursing' at his master for pushing him from the bed. Nonetheless the grip on his ears didn't loosen. All pairs of eyes were directed at him and the already embarrassed teen got even more embarrassed. His tail waved furiously around and clutched itself around Seiichi's hand. The fuzzy thing stroke and touched the pale skin, even if the boy didn't want it.

It was a hard contrast with his dark tail. The emerald-haired boy couldn't look in their eyes, the bright flush on his face was already large enough and his helpless behavor was already at his highest. He didn't know how to behave in front of them, now that they knew one of his secrets. "Calm down, Ryoma… you should try to push the blood out of your face before it explodes." The brunette giggled, dropped the bag and sat down, not so far from him. His heart thumped so hard, the heat in his cheeks never left him. "Can we let you go without you running away and shutting yourself up?"

"…" He stared down at the white pillow and had a hard time to control his tail, this thing just didn't let go of his crush's arm! He moved his shaking arm to his tail and fumbled it up from Seiichi's arm only to let the tail wrap up again and again. Both chuckled after Ryoma had tried for the third time to loosen the tail but failed endlessly. Seiichi grabbed his hands when he made an attempt to try it again. "Let it be. It's fine. So will you run away?"

They waited for an answer and the called male shook his head slowly, still holding his view down on the pillow. Syusuke was the next one to speak. "Ryoma…" The normally lightly voice was suddenly dark and passionate. The sweet sound as the tensai said his first name.

'Wait! What? Since when are they calling me by my first name?'

The lips were lightly red and slender but still desirable to kiss. "…I have found this bag behind the clubhouse. It's yours, right?" Syusuke handed him his bag – Seiichi had let go of his cat ears – and Ryoma was happy to have his old things back. He sat up, hugged the bag and sighed in relief, unnoticed by him were that Fuji had pulled something out of his pant's pocket and shoved it in his sight. Ryoma's eyes turned wide. "I also found this." Ryoma knew immediately what his crush wanted to hear but he couldn't believe how the picture got to them.

Ryoma's view went to Fuji, staring in disbelief at him and opening his mouth. The lightly brown-haired teen knew exactly what his little enigma had to ask. "I found it in your room when I had visited your home. Your mother is…. very special and…" The open-eyed teen searched for the best word but the youngest of them interrupted him.

"She is crazy and mentally disturbed. You can say it; I know that already for years." The half-human boy's voice was icy cold and like a stone. They could tell that there weren't very much feelings, only one – pain.

"She has hurt you deeply, I.. we can see it." There was an uncomfortable silence. Ryoma chew on his lips and glanced through his bangs to the two who gazed to him. It was silent in the room, only the squeaking sounds from the room beside them made the two tensais laugh. Ryoma had no idea what it was. Why were squeaking sounds so funny? Why were they laughing? The comfortable atmosphere changed when they ended their laughing session and got back to the serious matter.

"Ryoma, I know a lot about photography and I also know that the color fades away faster if you touch it very often or if sunlight shines on it*. I can see it in your eyes, you treasure this picture much and I don't think it's a coincidence that especially Kunimitsu's, Genichirou's, Keigo's, Seiichi's and my face are so weak to see. Don't you want to tell us something important?" Fuji placed himself on the bed and petted the young teen's hair. The tail wrapped itself around his arm – Ryoma didn't even try to unwrap it from his arm - and a snicker ran out of Fuji's mouth. Ryoma had no control over the ears and tail. How cute!

"Ryoma…" Their conversation got disturbed by a loud crashing sound and aching shouts from the room next door and the two tensais rushed out of the room, not even thinking about the hurt teen. Ryoma looked after them, opening his mouth to hold them back but he couldn't bring any sound out of his mouth. Just a minute ago they had seen a part of his true being, had said he was cute. They had paid attention to him, the attention he was longing for since years. Now they were gone again, caring more about their boyfriends, than him. Just like it was, always had and will be. It felt wrong and painful; the quietly sobbing boy grabbed his chest, where the heart beat, with full force. It hurt; it hurt so much that he cried out and the sobs got louder, but were still too quiet to be heard from the other room.

'I can feel their touches over my head, the places they touched, the places where their breaths caressed my skin. My tummy feels funny, my head and heart aches. It was the first time somebody got so close to me after the incident in America. Should I risk it and let them see my secret? Should I tell them the truth? Do they like me too? Why were they so nice to me? Out of kindness? Pity? Or because of something more?'

The laugher from the room next to his made him uneasy. The situation must be heavenly, nothing bad had happened but the tensais didn't return. Ryoma cried further, minute after minute which turned into an hour and the tensai's were still not back. The moans and the passionate sounds gave him a sorrowful punch; it was when he knew that they wouldn't come back. It brought so much pain, only pain. He wanted to laugh, to smile and be carefree, too! But instead of laughing, he was crying from his own fault, his own foolishness.

'If I had just listened to Ryoga.. .If I had just slept further in my bed… Then I wouldn't be like this! I would have lived through a normal life, with an ordinary family and many friends. I wouldn't be suffering so much. I would be happy!'

"Chibisuke… I'm sorry... I have told you to stay in bed! Why did you come out? I can't help you anymore! You need to survive on your own from now on! Please forgive me."

His older brother's voice rang in his head.

"You can't show your other self to any other person. They won't understand! You won't have the entire control over the animal in you. It feels what you feel and if you feel happy or love a special person even the tinniest bit, the creature will react. Its instinct is to kill everything which or who is going to harm it in any way! Be careful and never get too close to anybody."

'Tell me what I should do? I can't stop loving them! But I can not risk their lives for my selfishness! What if I kill them? Like I did with that woman? No... No, something like this… I never want to end a life again!'

The animal woke up, his silent cries turned into loud growls, his ears got larger, his tail fuzzier and the last part of his human body changed too. The teen stumbled forward with his burning feet, locked the door and slid down to the ground. In the next twenty seconds, Ryoma, the boy, had changed into Ryoma, the beast. The clothes on his body were shredded into pieces, the growls, which were earlier his cries, stormed through the whole house. His eyes glowed across the darkness, when the door crashed open – or at least the horde of young males tried to open the locked door.

'You said I was cute… Can you still say it now with a straight face?'

Another voice, a foreign and new tone vibrated in his head.

'Something like happiness doesn't exist in your life! I need to eliminate them!'

'No. They like me, even if they like me as a brother, they still like me!'

'They don't see your feelings. Alone this should show you that they don't want you. We need to get ride of them.'

'NO!' You can't hurt them! I love them and they will need me too! There will be a time, when they will love me! I'm sure of it! Even if it isn't in this life!'

The fight inside of him with the animal cost him strength. His body moved back and forth, one will against the other. He couldn't let the creature take control; he couldn't risk to lose them. He would never forgive himself if they died through his hand or claws. Ryoma, the animal, shook his head, whimpered and growled at the same time. The glowing eyes closed, his wild beating heart calmed down, his power left. The heavy body made an impact with the floor.

'They will never love you! There isn't anything than forever lasting love or friendship! The closer they get to you, the more they will hate you! You're a monster! Believe me.'

'… I know… but still….'

His friends were shouting his name in different ways. They threw their bodies against the locked door. The emerald-furred animal hissed when his body changed anew.

'I will let them alive for now, under the condition that you will stay away from them. They will never love you back! Humans can not love a creature which isn't like them. They will trick and kill you before you even know it!"

'How can you know that? They're different!'

'I have already lived for a very long time in the body of your grand-grandfather and also your grandfather. Your father was lucky and had escaped from me but not your brother. They were just like you, naive and stupid enough to believe their lovers. You need to shut your heart and soul to be able to live. Forget feelings and emotions. They don't exist in your life!'

'But Ryoga is free! He had gotten ride of you!'

'You will never get ride of me! You're weak and short. I killed more than one person who betrayed me and I won't hesitate to eliminate your friends if they get in my way!'

'I won't let them die. You won't kill them! I will stay away from them, are you happy now?'

The tears streamed down his face. He had dug his own grave, his own hell. No more happiness? It meant no more time with them. No more happy dreams about them and him. A life in solitude and emptiness. The animal turned into the crying and sobbing boy with tail and cat ears. His naked, shaking body lay down on the cold floor. Ryoma's cries grew louder, when was the last time where he felt as if he had just forfeited?

'Better me than them. Maybe in some other life, I'll get the chance to love them.'

"Echizen…" The door crashed open, and a horde of young males stormed into the room.

"STOP… Don't come closer… Leave me alone." He yelled but they went on.

"Leave you alo…" The diva leaded the group but the next words broke his heart. It gave him an icy cold chill and stones fell on his heart. "LEAVE! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I DON'T NEED YOU IN MY LIFE!" The hissing and yelling tone, the aggressive expression let them all stumble to their old place. Never had he screamed at them, not so angry and forceful. The helpless and tense boy had hurt them; it was the only way to get away from them. They would hate him, avoid him and ignore him. He would need to search for a new place to stay but his crushes's and friend's life would be safe. The door shut. They left him. They left him alone. Nobody was there to comfort him, to sooth him and take him in a hug to calm him down. He was alone, and this was probably forever now.

~~ 1. September, Morning ~~

Ryoma sat naked onto the empty bed, looked at his special piece of paper. The picture, which held his hopes and wonderful dreams, his only treasure of them. He held it in his hands, bit his lips and thought about his decision for a minute before closing his wet eyes and ripping the photo into four sheets. The tears rolled down his face. He did the same with the book, ripping some of the sides into tiny pieces. A few sides stayed in the book as the boy hadn't enough power to do any more. Forever alone, he would never have anybody beside him, at least not someone he liked.

'Forget them. You did the right thing. My, our life it the most important thing! You don't need them or anybody else. I'm the only one you need. Me and the pain. The pain makes you stronger! That is all what matters.'

Karupin sprung from under the bed in his lap, meowing at his master and licking the tears away. Right, he had his cat. His only one. The cat could stay with him but only because Karupin could never bring him the same happiness as they would do. The young male lay down on the bed, ignored the book which fell down, and cried himself to sleep with his cat in his arms. "I need to forget them... I need… to keep it all by myself. Nobody else… only me." While repeating these words in his sleep, the door opened again. Someone approached him, knelt next to him and stroke his hair.

"You don't need to fight all alone, Ryoma. We are here for you." The stranger moved up but inhaled in his action as he saw the many little sheets and a half-unharmed book. The person picked it up and left the room, closing the door and letting the exhausted, pained teen alone.