"The Walls Between Us"
Part II: Us and Them
Chapter Eleven
Remus lay on his bed in the Hogwarts dormitory, staring up at the canopy. He had been reluctant to return to Hogwarts after the Christmas holidays. There had still been no news from the Ministry about the motives behind the Death Eater attack, and Remus didn't want to leave his family alone. He had argued about it with his father before he had left to return to school.
"If I hadn't been there, you couldn't have fought them off by yourself," Remus insisted. "What will happen if Death Eaters attack again? You'll need me here."
"No, absolutely not. You're going back, and that's final. Hogwarts is the safest place to be," Remus' father said, leaving no room for protest.
Remus was rather grumpy about the decision - he was an adult, he should be able to make his own choices. But still, he wanted to respect his father's wishes, so he went to Platform 9 3/4 at the end of the holidays. And once he got there, he was happy that he returned. It surprised him at how relieved he was to see his friends again. After the stress of the past few days, it was nice to be able to talk and joke with them in the traincar.
As the Hogwarts Express wound its way towards Hogwarts, Remus told his friends about the attack. He hadn't mentioned it in any letters because he felt that it was something that was better explained in person. Seeing his friends' worried faces, he was glad he had made this choice. In a letter he would have never been able to answer all their questions or calm their fears about his safety.
"I read about it in the papers, but I would have never thought it was you, Remus," Lily said. It seemed like her holiday visit to the Potter residence had gone well because not only had she joined Remus, James, and Peter in their traincar, but her and James were also holding hands.
"You still don't know why the Death Eaters came after you?" Peter asked.
Remus shook his head. "This Ministry hasn't told us anything. They said they'd let us know if any information regarding the motives of the attack was discovered, but everything else is confidential. There's been no news so far."
"They should have found something by now. I though the Ministry used Veritaserum in interrogations," James said, brow furrowed.
"Not always," Lily said, "And there are ways to resist Veritaserum. Maybe he knows Occlumency, or someone is slipping him the antidote. Who knows what Death Eaters are capable of?
Peter was chewing his lip. "This is real, isn't it?" he said quietly. "This war. I've heard about all these attacks, but it just never seemed real before."
Lily nodded. "You read about all these terrible things in the paper, but you never expect that it happened to someone so close to you."
"Don't tell anyone else, though," Remus said. He would rather keep this news quiet. He hated drawing attention to himself, and he didn't want everyone in the castle to be questioning him about what had happened.
But there was one particular person at the castle who Remus would tell, and he had been missing that person dreadfully for all of the holidays. He'd tell Sirius about the attack, but not tonight. He'd wait until tomorrow for that so that tonight they could just have a nice night together. He needed something to cheer himself up after the holidays, and Sirius' Christmas letter had promised a lot: many surprises and a mention of 'a very sexy black-haired man who will be very happy to strip', with the assurance that this man was not James.
A tap on the dormitory window startled Remus back into the present. An owl was at the window, and Remus stood from his bed to let it in. The note that the owl brought was in Sirius' writing and had only two words: "Dress warm."
Remus grinned. It seemed like they would be going outside at some point in the evening. It was beautiful evening to be outside; it wasn't too cold and the there was a clear night sky. Remus folded up his warm wool robes and tucked them under his arm before he grabbed the invisibility cloak and left to the staff wing.
Remus arrived in front of Sirius' room and knocked. The door opened a moment later, and Sirius peered into the hallway with a mischievous grin on his face.
"There's no one here!" Sirius said in a mock-obvious voice, peering straight through Remus' invisible head. Sirius shut the door without letting Remus inside.
Remus laughed and knocked again. The door opened and Sirius once again peered out with the same mischievous expression.
"I must be going mad! I thought I heard a knock." Sirius moved to close the door again but Remus dived at him, moving the cloak aside just enough to kiss Sirius.
It felt fantastic to be able to kiss Sirius again after so long. It had only been two weeks, but it had seemed much longer when they hadn't been able to touch like this. The feel of Sirius' lips, the warmth of his body, the scent of his skin; it was only now, when Remus finally got to experience all of this again, that he truly realized how much he had missed Sirius.
Sirius manoeuvred them into the room without breaking the kiss and shut the door. He pressed Remus back against the door to continue kissing him. Remus had been waiting for this for so long. His hands slid down Sirius' back, and Remus pulled Sirius closer against him.
But Sirius pulled away smiling. "I've got a surprise for you," he said.
"Mmm," Remus agreed, pulling Sirius back to continue kissing him, "Give it to me right now."
Sirius pulled away again, smirking. He reached into the closet beside them and began to pull on his leather jacket.
"Let's go get it."
"It's - we have to go get it?" Remus asked disbelievingly. He was still breathless from the kiss. By 'surprise' Remus thought Sirius had meant 'brilliant shag', or at least the sort of surprise that could wait until after the brilliant shagging.
"I told you it was more than a shag," Sirius said as he wrapped the scarf Remus had given him around his neck.
Remus sighed and pulled the invisibility cloak's hood over his head again. He would much rather stay in the room and finish what they had just started, but the excited look on Sirius' face made Remus genuinely curious as to what the surprise would be. Remus picked up the wool robes from where he had dropped them on the floor and pulled them on under the loose cloak.
They left the room together, and Remus eventually pulled off the invisibility cloak once they were some ways from the staff wing. Sirius led them through the corridors, eventually leading them out the front doors of the castle. It was already dark outside and the only light came from the light spilling out from the castle windows and the glow of the stars and moon.
Remus wasn't sure what to expect. Sirius was leading them in the direction of Hagrid's house, and Remus hoped that the surprise wasn't some horrible creature that Hagrid was keeping as a pet. But then again, the last creatures Hagrid had acquired were Kneazles, and those weren't horrible at all. They were a far cry from the terrifying pets that Hagrid usually kept (for one thing, they didn't shoot fire out of any of their body orifices). Remus considered the thought that maybe a new pet wouldn't be so bad.
But instead of going to the house itself, Sirius led them to the small shed behind it. He tapped the heavy lock on the door with his wand.
"Wait here," Sirius said with a wink. He pulled open the door and disappeared inside.
A minute later Sirius returned, wheeling a huge gleaming motorbike at his side.
"A motorbike?" Remus asked, out of surprise more than actual question. Of course it was a motorbike, it was so huge that it was impossible to miss it, big enough that even Hagrid could ride it with ease. Remus almost couldn't believe the sight in front of him, but it was incredibly easy to picture Sirius on the bike.
Sirius was grinning from ear to ear. "It's mine. I had been waiting to get back to it. Andromeda brought it for me over the holidays." Sirius reverently ran a hand over the black leather of the bike's seat. He was positively glowing with excitement.
Sirius took the two pairs of pilot's goggles that were hanging off the handlebars and handed one pair to Remus.
"Ready for a ride?"
Remus studied the goggles he had been given. "No helmets?" he asked tentatively.
Sirius laughed. "Remus, are you a wizard or not?"
"I assume that you've put some protective charms on it, then."
"As well as some other charms." Sirius' voice had taken on a very familiar mischievous tone.
"What sort of charms?" Remus asked, half wary and half curious.
"Oh, you know. So the bike won't crash, and it can't be broken or smashed. So the handling is better. So it flies."
"It flies?" Remus asked disbelievingly. The thrill he felt coursing through his body really should have been fear, but the idea had filled him with excitement.
"Do you want to go for a ride?" Sirius asked, almost innocently, though it was clear he could see what was going on in Remus' mind and he knew what the answer would be.
"Yes," Remus answered instantly.
Sirius grinned knowingly. Wheeling the bike at his side, he led them to a path leading into the forest. The canopy of trees blocked out all of the light from above and Remus lit their path with light from his wand.
"We can't leave the castle boundaries, but there's still plenty of room to fly in," Sirius explained as they walked. "You won't believe how beautiful it is to fly at night. It's - well, you'll have to see it for yourself."
After some time, they came to a clearing in the forest. There was a long path of dirt that had been cleared of snow and had the ground dried. It had obviously been used for this purpose before. Sirius wheeled the bike the edge of the take-off strip. He pulled on his goggles, swung his leg over the huge bike, and grinned at Remus.
Remus stepped onto the footpeg and climbed on behind Sirius. It was somewhat difficult in long robes - Sirius' choice of a short jacket was much more suited to being on the bike - but Remus managed to get settled on the seat. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist and leaned his head against Sirius' back, inhaling the smell of Sirius and leather.
The sound of the bike roaring to life was deafening in the quiet forest. For a moment they were still as the motor rumbled deeply, and then Sirius kicked the bike into gear and they were moving. The bike raced over the clearing, gaining speed. Finally the tires left the ground and they were taking off into the air.
Remus tightened his grip around Sirius' waist. The ground was quickly getting further and further away as they took to the sky. They rose up higher than the tops of the tallest trees and were still going up. The open air was much colder and the wind whipped around them from all directions, but Remus could hardly feel the cold with all the adrenalin rushing through him. It was so exhilarating being up here. The whipping of the night air, the weightless feeling of flying, the power of the bike, the warmth of Sirius as Remus pressed against him; there were so many sensations at once that it felt like being in a dream.
Remus didn't know where to look because everything was so beautiful. Sirius was right - this was something that couldn't be adequately explained in words. Above, the stars and moon twinkled in the clear night sky. Below, their reflections sparkled on the waters of the Black Lake. The twinkling lights from the windows illuminated the castle in the blackness of the night, and the dark silhouette of the mountains in the distance could just be made out against the sky.
This was like nothing Remus had ever felt before. Nothing compared to the feeling being out here in the open air on the bike. The ride was smoother than it was on the ground and the movements were easy like that of a broom, but it was nothing at all like being on a broom. There was so much power in the bike, so much energy as the bike vibrated with the roar of the engine.
Remus couldn't begin to determine how much time had passed before they began to descend. He had been so wrapped up in the sights around him and absorbed in the feelings that he had lost track of time. There was a slight jolt as the bike hit the ground in the forest clearing, and the bike slowed before finally coming to a stop. Sirius turned off the engine, and Remus was shocked by how strange it suddenly felt. Somehow it felt too quiet without the deep rumble of the engine filling the air.
Sirius pushed his goggles up to his forehead and turned around to look at Remus. "Well?" he asked.
Remus' response was to kiss him passionately.
"That was amazing," Remus said, "When can we do it again?" He was surprised at how much he had loved the ride.
"Anytime you like," Sirius answered, clearly very pleased that Remus enjoyed the bike as much as he did. "But for now, I've got something else for you back at the room."
"Yeah?" Remus still had his arms wrapped around Sirius' waist and he slid his hands down over the front of Sirius' trousers.
"Oi! Don't be getting ahead of yourself! And besides, we'll freeze our bits off out here."
Remus laughed and crawled off the back of the bike, followed by Sirius. It felt much colder now that Remus didn't have Sirius' warm body pressed against his own, and he walked close to Sirius as they wheeled the bike back to Hagrid's shed. Once the bike was safely locked inside, they returned to the castle, and Remus pulled the invisibility cloak on once they neared the staff wing.
At the door to his room, Sirius took out his wand and performed the spell to unlock the door. It wasn't 'Alohamora', or any of the other basic unlocking spells that Remus had seen before. Remus thought back to the locking spells he had studied in Charms earlier in the year. It made sense that teachers' rooms were locked by a more complex spell to prevent unscrupulous students from breaking in.
Remus pulled off the invisibility cloak once they were inside. "May I kiss you now, or is there more?" he asked. He had attempted to take things further than a kiss several times, but Sirius had so much planned for this evening that Remus' attempts had been blocked every time.
"One more thing. I still have another Christmas gift for you. Give me your wand."
It was always uncomfortable handing over your wand, even to someone who was this close. A wizard's wand was so essential to existence that being without it even for a few moments felt strange, but Remus pulled out his wand and handed it to Sirius.
Sirius pointed his own wand at Remus' and began the words of a long and complex spell that Remus didn't recognize. Remus watched the magic flow between the two wands, glowing strands of light emanating from Sirius' wand and wrapping themselves around Remus' wand. Finally both the wands glowed a brilliant green and the spell was finished. A smile spread over Sirius' face as he handed back Remus' wand.
"There. It will unlock this room now. You won't have to wait in the hallway for me."
Remus thought back to the various complex locking spells he had learned about, and he figured that the locking spell on the staff wing doors must be the type that only responded to certain wands that are enabled for unlocking. He was glad that he wouldn't have to wait in the hallway anymore and risk bumping into a teacher as he waited for Sirius to open the door, but the spell also worried him. The spells that were on the door were there for a reason. They were to prevent students from entering the teachers' rooms, but now a student's wand had been enabled with the unlocking spell.
"How much trouble would you be in if someone found out that a student's wand could open a teacher's room?" Remus asked tentatively.
Sirius shrugged. "I might be kicked out," he answered, unconcerned.
Remus held out his wand to Sirius again. "Take the spell off," he demanded.
Sirius didn't take the wand. "No. I want to do this. This is a gift for you."
"Sirius, take the spell off," Remus repeated. As helpful as it would be, this was another thing that could lead to the discovery of their relationship.
"Remus," Sirius said in a voice that he knew Remus couldn't say no to, "I want to do this. I want to bring more of you into my life. I want you to know just how important you are to me, that you're allowed to have something like this.
"But..." Remus protested weakly. He was never very good at saying no, and he certainly couldn't deny anything to Sirius after those steadfast words that Sirius had just said. Remus still was reluctant about it, but he would accept the gift. In the back of his mind he resolved that he would never use the unlocking spell and would continue to knock at the door.
"But what?" Sirius asked, grinning. He stepped closer to Remus and slipped his arms around Remus' waist, pulling their bodies together.
Remus smiled up at him. "Can I kiss you now?" he asked.
Sirius closed the distance between them, capturing Remus' lips in a kiss. Remus sighed happily into the kiss; finally. He brought his arms up to wrap around Sirius' neck, pulling their chests closer together and deepening the kiss.
All thoughts about the unlocking spell quickly drifted out of Remus' mind. With minor difficulty, Sirius led them up the stairs and to the bedroom, and by the time Sirius pushed Remus down on the bed, Remus was completely unconcerned about the unlocking spell, the Death Eater attack, and everything else other than the continued feel of Sirius' hands and mouth on him. This was exactly what Remus had hoped for this evening. To just lose himself in kiss and touch, to forget about everything that had happened over the holidays.
Sirius had given Remus almost everything that had been promised in the Christmas letter, but Remus could recall that the letter had mentioned one thing that was yet to come.
"I believe your letter mentioned something about a sexy black-haired man who would be happy to strip for me?" Remus said playfully as Sirius climbed onto the bed on top of him.
Sirius made a mock-disgusted face. "Why would you bring up James at a moment like this?"
Classes began the next day. Remus passed a group of students in the hallways who were discussing the New Year's Eve attack, but they didn't seem to have any idea that Remus had been involved, which was a relief. Remus hadn't told anyone other than James, Peter, and Lily, and Sirius was the only other person who he intended to tell. It was a strange thing, Remus thought. Your friends were the people who you wanted to trouble the least with bad news, but they were the people that you needed to tell the most. Despite that the news of the attack would not be taken favourably by Sirius, Remus knew that Sirius would want to hear about it.
Hidden under the cloak, Remus made his way to the staff wing. He held true his resolution to not use the unlocking spell and he knocked on the door.
The only response to his knocking was a scratching sound from the other side of the door.
Remus waited a minute before he knocked again. Was Sirius here? Sirius knew that Remus would be stopping by at this time, so he should be in the room. But again, the only response to Remus' knock was a scratching sound.
Remus was raising his fist to knock again when the door finally opened.
"I believe you have an unlocking spell," Sirius said.
"I'm not going to use it. If I-" Remus stopped as something brushed against his leg, and he looked down to find a grey Kneazle nuzzling his shin. It was Havelock, Hagrid's Kneazle.
"I'm babysitting tonight," Sirius said in answer to Remus' unasked question. "Now get in here, both of you!"
Remus stooped to pick up Havelock and carried him into the room. Babysitting, indeed! Agnetha and Frida were perched on the back of the couch, and Valentine came trotting out of the office as Remus entered the room.
Remus set Havelock on the floor and pulled off the invisibility cloak, hanging it by the door. "Is Hagrid away?" he asked.
"Yeah, he's out on a mis - uh, away on business. And of course his babies can't stay alone for even one night, so they're staying with 'Uncle Sirius'." From the tone of Sirius' voice it sounded like it was unlikely that he had picked the name 'Uncle Sirius' for himself.
But despite his seeming reluctance, it was clear that Sirius was very fond of the Kneazles. He affectionately stroked Frida's head before disappearing to the kitchen. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll get us some drinks," he said over his shoulder.
Remus took a seat on the couch in front of the fireplace. Valentine promptly jumped onto the coffee table and began walking across the newspaper clippings that littered the surface.
"Hey!" Remus quickly lifted Valentine off the table, but not before the Kneazle managed to push some of the clippings onto the floor. As Remus reached to pick up the fallen clippings, he noticed that the articles were about Death Eater attacks and Voldemort's activities. The articles that had fallen were the most recent, and Remus saw that one of them was about the attack that had occurred on New Year's Eve:
"NEW YEAR'S EVE ATTACK BY DEATH EATERS: On the evening of December 31, 1977 two Death Eaters broke into the home of a Muggle family. Two wizards were among the family and duelled with the Death Eaters. One of the Death Eaters was taken into custody and he is currently being interrogated. The identity of the other Death Eater is still unknown. It is believed that the wizards in the family were the target of the attack, though the reason is unclear."
"Second attack by Voldemort in the last month," Sirius commented as he returned with two goblets of wine and a bottle floating behind him. He took a seat on the couch beside Remus, passing over one of the goblets.
"Yeah," Remus said. This was exactly what he had been intending to tell Sirius about this evening.
"And I'll bet the Ministry didn't show up until after the dust had settled, like usual."
"That's true," Remus said quietly.
Sirius glanced at the clipping on the table again, wondering if he had missed that part of the article. "You know?"
Remus nodded. "I was going to tell you tonight. It was my family who the Death Eaters attacked."
The wine goblet clunked heavily onto the table. Sirius turned to Remus intensely.
"Are you-" he started to say, but stopped. 'Are you okay?' was clearly a pointless question, as Remus was sitting here perfectly fine. Sirius' face twisted with various expressions before he slammed his fist down on the table, startling Havelock and sending him shooting off under the couch. "I should have been there," he growled.
"It's okay, no one was seriously injured," Remus said, trying to calm Sirius. Remus knew that Sirius had a temper that could easily flare up, but the sudden outburst of rage had startled Remus.
Sirius' hand was still clenched into a tight fist and his knuckles were white. "I should have - If only I could -" he sighed, running his hand over his face in frustration. "I can't do anything while I'm locked up here. Were you hurt? Is your family okay?"
"I wasn't seriously hurt, nothing worse than what a few healing spells could fix. My family is fine, as well. The relatives I was staying with were Muggles and they asked to be Obliviated after the attack. My parents are staying with my grandparents until the Ministry can figure out why the Death Eaters came after my family."
Sirius picked up his wine goblet again and leaned back against the couch, sighing heavily. "Figures that the Ministry is always one step behind. But why were the Death Eaters targeting your family, I wonder."
"Apparently the Ministry still isn't able to find out much from the Death Eater that was captured, so we don't know. I've thought of a few reasons for why they might want to attack us, but nothing stands out as the obvious reason," Remus said. "The first reason I thought of was that my father is a Muggleborn who married a Muggle. It also might be because he's a Ministry worker and the Death Eaters are after him for that. But neither of those reasons stands out as being significant enough that he would be specifically targeted – Muggleborns and Ministry workers seem to be incidental victims of Death Eater attacks, and they aren't individually targeted. Something else I thought of could be that the Death Eaters somehow found out that I'm a werewolf. I remember hearing a rumour that Voldemort was trying to recruit the wild werewolf packs, and I might be included in that, somehow. But that reason is doubtful, too. The Death Eaters weren't aiming to kill, but I think that if they were trying to recruit me for the werewolf packs, it would be more subtle."
Sirius was quiet as he thought this over, mulling through the reasons and drinking heavily from his wine goblet. Valentine leapt up into his lap, and Sirius began absent-mindedly stroking Valentine's head.
"I hate being locked up in this place. I could have been there. I could have helped you," Sirius finally said.
"To be fair, I don't think you would have come to my Gran's place," Remus said, trying to assure Sirius that, even if Sirius had been able to leave the castle, there was nothing he could have done to counter the attack.
"But maybe we could have known about it, anticipated the attack. Maybe I could have done something to stop it." Sirius' fingers tightened around the goblet he was holding, and he took another deep drink. Remus had expected that Sirius would be upset when he heard about the attack, but it sounded almost like Sirius was blaming himself, and Remus started to wonder if they were even talking about the same thing here.
"Sirius..." Remus started to say, but he trailed off. There were so many things that Remus wanted to ask, but he knew that Sirius wouldn't answer. Couldn't answer, apparently, according to Dumbledore's orders. Sirius was clearly trying to bring more of Remus into his life, as was evidenced by his insistence to put the unlocking spell on Remus' wand, but there were still things that Sirius wouldn't tell Remus.
"I wish I wasn't stuck here. If I could just get out for a bit... if I could do something useful."
Remus sighed, watching as Valentine was jostled to the side as Sirius reached to pour himself another goblet of wine. There was nothing Remus could say to Sirius about this because he didn't properly understand why Sirius had agreed to take this teaching position in the first place. He knew that Sirius felt that he owed Dumbledore a favor for letting Sirius spend the summer holidays at the castle while Sirius was a student, but from the way Sirius talked about it, it seemed that Dumbledore had more reason than this for asking Sirius to teach.
Remus shifted closer to Sirius, resting his head on Sirius' shoulder. He ran his fingers through Valentine's fur, feeling the gentle purring vibrations of Valentine's chest, then ran his fingertips over the back of Sirius's hand. It was like the first time they had touched, that day in Hagrid's house when they had been petting Valentine together. Remus was so happy that Sirius had come to Hogwarts - he had never expected to meet anyone like Sirius, never mind having someone like Sirius care about him so much. But being in the castle was getting hard on Sirius. It wasn't the teaching that bothered him, it was being separated from the outside world, and now being banned from the castle grounds made it even worse.
"Are you going to be okay here?" Remus asked, stroking his fingers over Sirius' wrist.
"I'll manage."
"Could you quit?" Remus asked. He really didn't want Sirius to leave, but it would make Sirius a great deal happier. Sirius considered it for a moment before he shook his head, and Remus felt guilty at how relieved he was to see this.
"No," Sirius said. "I could leave, if I wanted, but I'm a man of my word. I told Dumbledore that I'd stay the whole year, and I told him that I wouldn't..."
Sirius trailed off, shaking his head again. He draped his arm around Remus' shoulders and pulled Remus closer against him. Remus wrapped his arm around Sirius' chest and looked up at Sirius' solemn face.
A happier look passed over Sirius' face for a moment as he looked down at Remus, like a glimpse of sunlight through the storm clouds of his deep grey eyes.
"I'll manage," Sirius said.