"Sorry, lass. I'm a bit busy, we'll have to talk later. If you need a job to keep you occupied, you should go see Delvin or Vex. They're swamped with incoming jobs," Brynjolf said, rising from the dining table and heading toward the training rooms. I watched in disappointment as he stopped on the way, grabbing one of the pretty new recruits to join him.
Any time I'd approached him since returning - barely more than three weeks ago - he had given me that excuse. At first, I had been understanding. Now that Nocturnal was back on our side, more and more expensive jobs had begun pouring in. It was becoming rare to see more than a couple members in the Cistern at once.
Not wanting to do long road trips again quite yet, I had stuck around the Rift. As such, I was also aware of the new recruits trickling in. Brynjolf, as always, was in charge of training them. So, all in all, it made sense he would be busier than normal. That's why I tried to catch him when he was eating or hanging out in the Flagon. But when he saw me approaching, he always seemed to suddenly have somewhere else to be. I could take a hint, I just didn't understand what I had done wrong.
Morosely, I made my way over to my trunk to pull out my journal. I had caught it up after returning with Karliah. The last few entries were mostly my complaints about Brynjolf ignoring me. I flipped through older entries, trying to figure out where things had changed. Things between us were fine before getting to Irkngthand; it was afterward that he started acting differently. Blowing out a huff of air to get a lock of hair out of my eyes, I flipped even further back.
'The Horn of Jurgen Windcaller in Ustengrav,' I read from my entry on visiting the Greybeards. Leaning back against the wall on my bed, I looked up to watch light filtering in from the sky light. I could see tiny flecks of dust wafting in the air.
'Should I focus on this, now? Maybe I just need time away…'
It was such a long time ago - my trek up to High Hrothgar with Vipir. I'd been so consumed with all the Mercer-drama, and partially in denial about my being dragonborn, that I hadn't even thought on that mission in quite a while. Perhaps, if I spent a couple weeks retrieving this horn and visiting the Greybeards, by the time I returned Brynjolf would have gotten over whatever funk he was in.
Stashing my journal back in my trunk, I grabbed a small coin purse and made my way to the Bee and Barb. Meals in the Cistern were lonely without company, and if I went into the Flagon, Delvin or Vex were sure to hound me into taking a job from the growing list. I just needed a day to think, honestly.
The inn was getting packed by the time I arrive - many Argonian fishers had come in from the lake and were having their nightly get-togethers. After relaying my supper order to Keerava, I took a seat at one of the smaller wall-side tables. I was stunned when a hooded man rose from a nearby table and sat in the vacant chair across from me.
"Dani, was it?" the old mage asked with a smile, lowering his cowl.
"Thadyn!" I exclaimed, unable to hide my joy at seeing him. "How have you been!"
"Very well, my dear. And you? It seems you're doing well for yourself now," he said kindly, looking over my leather armor and healthy complexion.
"It's been a trying few months since we met, but thing are going good," I replied. "Can I buy you a drink or supper? I owe you."
"Oh, think nothing of it," he waved me off, sitting back in his chair. "It's enough to see you on your own two feet."
"Thank you again, for listening to me that day," I said more softly. Both of us went quiet as Keerava brought over my plate of food and set some water down for both of us.
"Have you figured things out, at all?" he asked curiously, taking a small drink from his glass.
"I still don't know what I think happened," I sighed, leaning my elbows on the table. "My memories of my other life… well, it's disturbing to me, but they've slowly been fading. I know people naturally forget little details over time, but… I've even found myself forgetting my own brother's name for a second. I can barely recall my parents' faces. Friends I've had since childhood, classmates, clothing brands… it's all slipping away like a dream I'm struggling to hang onto."
"Hmm. You know it's in your head, but the specifics aren't quite there?" he asked, eying me with compassion.
"Exactly. I don't know what to make of it all. I hate to admit it, but I still find myself having short crying sessions over it," I chuckled quietly, prodding at my potatoes.
"I would like to talk more, but this is not the place. Would you walk with me after you've finished your meal?" he asked, his expression becoming more resolute.
"Sure," I nodded, abruptly taking large bites of my food.
"My dear," he laughed, "slow down and enjoy your meal. I'm not going anywhere."
"Right," I grinned, smiling after swallowing a large bite. I still ate quickly, eager to hear what the older mage had to say more than savoring the taste of Keerava's cooking. Soon enough, we were making our way along the fishing docks to look out over the lake.
"How is life as a mage working out? Or, should I assume by your clothing, you've given up on that?" he asked, smiling as we sat on the dock and let our legs dangle over the water.
"I still practice. I met a mage - Enthir - from the College in Winterhold, who helped explain some rudimentary things and gave me a few beginner books. I thought I would be a healy-type since that's pretty useful in my line of work, but fire spells seem to come more naturally to me."
"And what exactly do you do now?"
"Have you heard of the Thieves' Guild?" I asked, turning to look at him. Grinning, he continued to watch the sun lowering over the line of trees on the west side of the large lake.
"Yes. You mean you've joined their ranks?"
"Yeah." It came out more of a whisper as I joined him in watching the sunset. A dock worker came by and lit some hanging lanterns before proceeding to another part of the docks.
"And how are you liking it?"
"There was a lot of drama with the former Guildmaster, which I got pulled into. It sort of helped me to climb my way out of the initiate rank pretty quick, though. I've made a lot of friends, though my mentor has been pretty weird for the last few weeks."
"And how is Riften treating you?"
"I like it here. Much better than the north. Too cold up there."
"I'm glad. Where else have your travels taken you since we last met?"
"I've been to Whiterun, Solitude, High Hrothgar, Winterhold, Markarth, Falkreath… a bit of everywhere, really," I listed, thinking chronologically through my time in Skyrim.
"I'm impressed you've climbed the seven thousand steps," Thadyn nodded. "And I'm glad life is working out well for you."
"What about you? What have you been up to in the last few months?" I asked, curious about the man who had been my first lifeline in this new life.
"Oh, I travel here and there, consulting for various wealthy families and doing odd jobs."
"Do you have a home somewhere?" I asked, wondering if he was a full-blown vagabond.
"I have a little place outside Falkreath, although I never stay there very long," he frowned, appearing to be debating over something.
"So what kind of jobs would a mage-for-hire do for wealthy families?" I asked after a pregnant pause.
"Well, I specialize in the illusion school of magic…"
I hadn't read much about that branch of magic yet, and he could tell by my blank expression, if his laughter was any indicator.
"It focuses on changing the perception of the world from the viewpoint of the target. Mind-manipulation, if you will. I can easily send a target fleeing in terror, calm them when they're frightened, and even render someone else invisible to them. Those are the basic weapons in an Illusion mage's arsenal, in any case."
"I see," I replied, nodding my understanding. "I still don't see how someone wealthy would need those skills put to use, though."
"Can't you?" he asked, finally turning and looking me directly in the eye. I wondered if the answer were obvious, and felt a little stupid under his critical gaze. When I didn't answer again, his whole demeanor changed, and he looked older and more weary than I'd seen him before.
"I've wanted to tell you since I ran into you that first morning we met, but I still don't know the proper way to go about it. I feel like you deserve to know…"
My body began to tingle all over with a sudden adrenaline rush.
"Deserve to know what?" I asked in a small voice, my focus solely on the mage beside me.
"What happened to you. Why you woke up with memories of a whole other world."
I tried to control my breathing at the unexpected turn in conversation.
"You've known something this entire time?" I managed in a steady tone, feeling anger overtake the adrenaline.
"I would start from the beginning, if you'll hear me out," he sighed, rubbing at his face with a wrinkled hand. Trying to reign in my temper, I nodded at him to continue. The sun had fully set and we were illuminated only by the hanging lanterns.
"As I've told you, my home is near Falkreath, but I travel and make my living doing contract work for wealthy families across Skyrim. You wonder what an Illusion mage can offer someone of such prosperity… well, let me tell you."
I pulled my legs back up and rearranged myself to sit facing him in a cross-legged position.
"When you are among the upper class, you tend to have many secrets. You have many enemies. Life is both easier, and supremely more difficult. Economic prosperity means navigating the world of politics. If someone were to learn something you'd rather not be revealed, a skilled Illusion mage could alter said person's mind to forget ever learning of your secret. That is just one application of mind-magic I am capable of…"
The wheels were turning in my head, finally understanding the nefarious uses for his prefered branch of magic.
"What does that have to do with me?" I asked, surprised to hear a tremor in my own voice. I remembered him mentioning mind magic the first time I met him, and was beginning to suspect Thadyn himself had put me in my current situation.
"Everything," he said simply, shaking his head. "There is a well-to-do family in Markarth for whom I perform all sorts of jobs. I've been contracted with them for many, many years. They have a handful of children, one of which was a very precocious daughter. I grew quite fond of her during my many stays in the city. As a child, I would regale her with tales of my travels. She was particularly interested in my stories about this very city, and a band of thieves who made it their home."
I felt like I was back in Irkngthand, terrified at the rising water and unable to help myself. There had to be a purpose to his story, and I wondered in the back of my mind whether I was this little girl he spoke of.
"You see, she wasn't happy with her life. As she grew older and began to understand her family's role among the elite of Markarth, she was disillusioned to the corruption, the crime, and the ruling family - the Silver-Bloods. She was particularly disgusted with the Cidhna Mine, the prison within the city where criminals are only given food when they've mined their weekly quota. She would often lament to me how she wished she were permitted to leave and visit Riften, to see how it compared to my stories."
He chuckled, obviously reliving a memory. I tried to imagine growing up in that environment, where I constantly had to watch myself and stay silent at all the wrongs I saw. I could begin to empathize with this girl's desire to be anywhere else.
"What happened to her?" I asked, caught up in his tale.
"As she grew older, her family struck a deal with the Silver-Bloods. They had a young man a few years older than she, and her parents proposed they betroth the two."
"An arranged marriage?" I asked in shock, unaware such things existed in Skyrim.
"Precisely," he said solemnly, giving me a quick look before turning back to the lake. "She grew into a strong-willed young woman with a sharp mind, so you can imagine she was less than pleased when she heard the news. There was still a few years before the two were to be wed, and she once conveyed her hope that plans would change before then."
"How long ago was this?" I asked.
"They were to be wed about five months ago."
I sat still, waiting for him to continue the story.
"Naturally, as the day approached, she became more and more anxious. I happened to be in town a couple weeks before the event, during which she conveyed to me her determination to leave the city and start anew, no matter the cost. She begged me to help her; my resolve was weak in the face of a young woman I'd come to think of as something like a niece. I had watched this young girl learn to walk, talk, and take care of herself. I simply couldn't say no to her desperation."
"You helped her leave Markarth," I confirmed, committing each detail in the story to memory.
"Yes. I smuggled her out of the city. We were heading back to Falkreath on a carriage when we were attacked by a group of Forsworn, one of whom recognized her as the daughter of a Markarth noble. So, they kidnapped and tortured her for leverage."
"Tortured?! What was the point of that, if she had no information or money to give them?!" I asked in outrage, unable to understand the senseless act of violence.
"Among other things, I recently learned they sent a lock of her hair and a ring into Markarth, to prove to the family they had their daughter. Such a thing would have made them more amenable to negotiations."
"That poor girl," I whispered, not wanting to imagine what exactly had been done to her.
"I managed to infiltrate late in the night and rescue her," he continued, leaning his head back to view the stars. "She was battered pretty badly, and her spirit was nearly completely broken. But, we managed to continue back to my home on foot. She had a lot of anger on her conscious, so I offered to take her on as my apprentice and teach her as much fire magic as I could. I expected to send her off to the college once my tutelage would be of no more use."
"But, what happened to the bandits? And the family? What do they think happened to her?" I asked, imagining the family searching for her among various Forsworn camps and not finding her.
"The family, and the Silver-Bloods, hired mercenaries to attack any Forsworn camps they could find, in an effort to retrieve her. As I learned on my most recent visit, they believe her to be dead since no more demands were ever made. They never learned which camp she was held at, and can't say they even managed revenge against her captors."
We sat in silence for a while, him lost in thought and I mulling over the story so far. This girl had escaped one prison, only to find herself in another, before finally becoming free.
"Anyhow, for a couple weeks, I began to provide her basic training," he abruptly continued. "Then I got a courier from Riften, requesting my services. I thought it might cheer her up to finally visit the city she had been so enamoured with since a little girl, so I offered to let her travel with me. But trouble seems to follow her."
"Why, what happened next?" I asked, leaning forward in anticipation. He gave a chuckle before reaching out to ruffle my hair affectionately. Withdrawing his hand, he sighed and resumed his story.
"We made it to the pass between Helgen and Ivarstead, just before ascending into the mountains. There was an altercation between some Imperial troops and a camp of Stormcloak soldiers."
I had heard both sides mentioned before, but hadn't really asked anyone about this supposed civil war's two sides. Nodding, I urged him on.
"In any case, we somehow became mixed up in it. The Imperial troop was convinced we were with the Stormcloaks, and tried to arrest us, but one of them recognized me as a traveling mage he'd seen before, and let me go. I tried to get the girl released as well, but the captain wasn't having it. She was carted off back to Helgen in a carriage with a thief and a couple remaining Stormcloak men."
"She was arrested?!"
"Worse," Thadyn responded, head shaking again. "I followed them back, planning to speak to the General and clear up the misunderstanding, but they wouldn't allow me anywhere near the prisoners or General. It seems they were going to execute everyone who was captured."
I felt my stomach plummet along with a swell of sadness as I learned more and more of her sorry tale. I dearly hoped this wasn't my own past Thadyn was describing.
"One of the guards seemed to think twice about it, but the captain overruled him and sent her off to the chopping block, too. But, something entirely unexpected occurred that day, something I still have nightmares about."
I racked my mind for anything I had heard happening in Helgen around that time, and the only thing I could think of was the dragon attack.
"Was that when the dragon attacked, and destroyed the town?" I whispered, watching his face closely. He turned to me in surprise, clearly not expecting me to know that detail already.
"Yes," Thadyn nodded. "Her head was on the block, and the executioner's blade above his head, when a great black dragon landed on a nearby tower and attacked. Everything was chaos, and I lost her in the confusion, but I thought I saw the guard from before helping guide her through the town."
"Did she make it out?" I couldn't help the question, and he gave me a pointed look to let him continue on. A guard patrolled nearby, ensuring all was well.
"I managed to escape north toward Riverwood, heading to the town with the hope of hearing news about any survivors. It's the nearest proper town to Helgen, so any survivors would have surely headed that way. I went straight to the inn to ask around, but the innkeeper had only heard about the blacksmith's nephew being seen coming from Helgen.
"I was leaving the inn and heading to the blacksmith's, planning to speak to his nephew, when she came out the smith's front door. She broke down when she saw me…"
I saw him shake his head at the memory.
"She'd managed to be brave up until that point, but was inconsolable. I had to take her out by the river and calm her down with my magic."
"I could imagine," I muttered, dipping a leg down to the water and toeing it with my boot.
"She was distraught, but was determined to continue with me to Riften. Along the way, she off-handedly mentioned wishing she could forget everything of her life and totally start over, without any of the haunting memories of her home, being kidnapped, or nearly executed… and the dragon."
The guard from before patrolled back by, heading back into the main part of town.
"I debated whether it would be wise to help her. I knew I was capable of it, but I'd never eradicated a person's entire memory before. Altering or erasing a memory here and there doesn't cause any harm to someone, but I didn't know what wiping an entire mind could do."
I felt that lead weight in my stomach again, sensing his story was close to its end.
"By the time we reached the Riften stables one morning, I had come to my decision. I offered to perform my magic on her, with the disclaimer I had no idea the consequences of erasing her mind in its entirety. She accepted."
"So you wiped her memory?" I asked, feeling the numbness return to my body as I became more and more convinced he was talking about me. Part of me wanted him to just get to his point, but the other part was afraid for the confirmation.
"I did. I wanted her to have a truly fresh start to life. I've done many questionable things for the families I'm contracted to, and thought it would redeem some of that if I could help that young woman. She was only nineteen, after all… far too young to have experienced that much horror first-hand."
"So what happened after you erased her memory?" I asked softly, hugging myself.
"I watched over her in the forest for a couple hours, watching the magic do its work. There was one point when she nearly woke up, but fell back under the spell. I had work to do for Maven Black-Briar, so I left her in the evening. I checked on her again before retiring to the inn for the night."
"And then?" I asked, gulping as I looking intently into his eyes.
"And then, when I went downstairs for breakfast the next morning, she was sat there looking lost and confused. Though she went by a completely different name, I could sense the same brave spirit I'd known before."
My mind spun, certain of my suspicions. My anger from before had completely vanished, and was replaced by an overwhelming loneliness. Still, I needed to hear it from his own mouth.
"Am I that girl, Thadyn?" I asked bluntly, feeling a tear slip down my cheek.
"Yes, my dear girl," he replied softly, gazing directly into my eyes.
I took in several deep, shaky breaths, before clambering to my feet and pacing to the end of the dock we sat on.
"But why do I have my other memories, if you wiped mine clean?" I asked, spinning to look at him imploringly, still not understanding that aspect of my appearance in Skyrim.
"I suspect it had to do with my attempt to erase everything. As I told you that first morning, the mind is a complicated thing, and if I had to make an educated guess… I would suppose those memories were created by your subconscious to preserve certain things, like language or personality."
It made sense, in an abstract way, and I turned to look back over the dark lake. The torches at Goldenglow were barely visible.
"You're not lying to me, right?" I asked hoarsely, my voice not wanting to work correctly.
"I would say you could ask that blacksmith's nephew, but he's probably returned to Solitude or been placed elsewhere. And going back to Markarth, lucky though you were when you visited, would risk putting you back in your original situation… If I were you, I would never return to that area of Skyrim."
I thought on that. I had entered and left the city as quickly as possible, interacting with no one apart from Calcelmo. If I were in fact from Markarth, that trip was lucky indeed. Perhaps, with a cursory glance, being decked out in Guild armor had made anyone looking assume I was simply another adventurer.
I ran a hand through my hair, watching the older wizard get to his own feet.
"How are you? I realize this must be a lot to take in."
"I don't know how I feel any more," I replied in a soft and wry tone, feeling more tears escape my eyes. A thought hit me…
"Did you know I'm dragonborn?"
"Excuse me?" he responded, shock evident in his wide eyes.
"Yeah. Turns out I'm dragonborn. That's why I went to High Hrothgar. The Greybeards summoned me after I helped kill a dragon outside Whiterun on my way to Solitude."
"Neither of us were aware, before I erased your mind," he insisted, walking over and laying a hand tentatively on my shoulder. "You really do attract trouble."
"That's not the first time I've heard that," I muttered, immediately feeling sad at the memory of Brynjolf.
"Look, Gulisien-"
"Gulisien? Is that my real name?" I asked, jumping on the name. The word rolled around in my head, completely unfamiliar.
"It was. You are Dani now. And before you ask - no, I won't divulge your family name," Thadyn said firmly. "Forgive me for the slip-up. It's difficult to make the disconnection in my head."
"I know, but it's still nice to have more details. Like finding out I'm really only nineteen, not twenty-two." Reflecting on the name some more and its strangely Breton-esque sound, I found myself much preferring my new name.
"The important thing amid all this is to embrace the new life you've been given. You are not beholden to anything you left behind in Markarth. Being dragonborn is certainly an unexpected complication, but you have the chance to truly make your own way in this world… free of any terrible memories from a life you wanted to leave behind. You can be whoever you wish to be."
"Thank you, Thadyn," I said, reaching out to grasp the man's hand. "I don't know if I had the opportunity to thank you before, but even just hearing the minor details of my past, I really feel like you did me a favor that can never truly be repaid."
"As I said, perhaps this will absolve me in some capacity. Besides, it warms this old man's heart to see you so much happier than you ever were in Markarth."
"I certainly shouldn't complain, but like I said before, my mentor has been weird the last few weeks, and I feel like I need to leave for a while and focus on my being dragonborn. I'm sort of in a funk, at the moment."
He offered me a small grin before placing his hand on the small of my back and leading us out of the docks.
"Do whatever you feel you must; you have a higher calling, after all. Again, I would avoid going anywhere in the Reach. As for this mentor of yours - most things eventually work themselves out with time, so don't worry too much."
"Were we especially close...before?" I asked, feeling as comforted by his advice as I did that first crazy morning I met him.
"I believe so," he smiled, letting me proceed first through the doors into town. "You would always confide in me. It felt nice to have someone genuinely interested in me and my travels, rather than simply wanting to employ my skills. You truly did come to feel like family after all those years."
As we embraced one another from the side, I took a deep breath and looked around the market area. Ahead, I could see a group of my fellow guildmates ambling toward the Bee and Barb; Brynjolf was leading Delvin and some of the new recruits inside. I felt my heart stop as he looked over and eyed us, with Thadyn's arm slung around my shoulders and mine around his back. It was as though we were frozen in time, both of us staring at the other. Brynjolf's gaze went cold, and I felt my stomach clench tight.
"Thadyn," I said, turning to him. I could tell he'd noticed the interaction. "I should probably be getting back. Again, I'm grateful you told me the whole story. I feel like I might be able to truly move on with time."
"Then I am glad to have provided you with some relief," he smiled, cupping the side of my face.
"Is there a way I can reach you, other than leaving a standing notice with Keerava?"
"As I said, I'm on the road quite often, and spend a good portion of time in Markarth. You could always send a courier to Falkreath and leave it with the innkeeper until I return and go into town to resupply."
"Then this might be goodbye?" I asked sadly, having so many more questions, but not wanting to keep him out too late. Somehow, he picked up on my thoughts.
"For now. Remember, the past is the past… the only things that matter are what you make of the present. Don't fret over what you were like, who your family was, or even my connection to you. You and I are, in essence, strangers in this life now."
His final statement made me sad, but I understood his intent. He was telling me to let go of everything he'd told me and continue with the new life I had started here in the Rift.
"If we don't see one another again, I want to make it clear again how thankful I am," I said, my throat feeling constricted. "My old life sounds like it was horrible, and I'm glad to have been lucky enough to escape it."
"You don't even know the half of it," he smiled sadly, standing back. "Well, Dani, I can hear my bed calling these old bones to lay down."
"Goodnight, Master Thadyn," I called out, watching him walk toward the inn, where I was surprised to see Brynjolf still leaning against the wall outside. Once Thadyn was gone from sight, I turned and began to make my way toward the back entrance of the Cistern. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brynjolf follow Thadyn inside.
I had spent the earlier part of the night on my bed, thinking on everything I'd learned from Thadyn and what I wanted to do. More and more, I felt the urgency to leave and finish my mission from the Greybeards. Although he was currently on the outs with me, even Brynjolf had previously expressed his opinion on it being the right thing to do.
After the new recruits had fallen asleep, I made my way into the empty Ragged Flagon. The fireplace by the counter still smoldered with embers, so I took a seat out on the deck underneath the skylight. Closing my eyes, I soaked in the moonbeams and contemplated my next steps. Without realizing it, I began to softly hum The Dragonborn Comes. It had become quite popular since my adventure outside Whiterun.
"A battle, a battle brought on dragonwing. Not far, not far the dragonborn comes. And all will be measured, both coward and king," I sang, opening my eyes to look up through the skylight at the illuminated clouds. "I know, I know the dragonborn comes."
It had come out slightly choked, accompanied by my eyes burning with building tears. I felt the injustice at my situation all over again. I hadn't asked to be the mythical hero the bards sung about, and I certainly didn't want it. Nevertheless, it had been thrust upon me.
"Together through snowfall and sorrow we stride. For now, for now the dragonborn comes," I choked out, wiping at my face. "Until we next meet under Sovngarde skies, hurrah, hurrah, the dragonborn comes…"
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I buried my face and began to cry in earnest. The tale of my life as Gulisien, my duty as the dragonborn, the situation with Brynjolf… the pressure had been brewing all evening, and I'd finally hit my breaking point.
"Dani…" I heard the mellow voice say softly. Wiping at my face, I twisted to look behind me. Karliah stood a few steps away, her face the definition of concern.
"Karliah," I whimpered, trying to recover my calm around hiccuping sobs.
"What's on your mind, child?" she asked, crouching beside me and moving hair out of my face.
"Everything," I whispered, blinking away more tears.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I looked up at the skylight again, considering her question.
"Yes," I finally answered, scooting over on my bench to allow her space to sit. She sat beside me silently, undemanding.
"Brynjolf… has been ignoring me," I said simply, the words sounding more sulky than the pain I truly felt. "I don't know what I did, and every time I try to talk to him, he runs off somewhere else and tells me to take a job."
"Is that what this is all about?" she asked, slightly amused.
"No," I grumbled, looking toward the pool of water underneath the skylight. "But I almost feel like everything else would be easier to handle if it weren't so…"
"Well, I haven't noticed him acting strangely with anyone else. Perhaps something is on his mind, and he merely needs time to sort it out."
"Yeah, that's where the second thing comes into play." I said, turning to look at her. "You know I'm dragonborn…"
"Yes, I recall that quite clearly," she responded with a cheeky smile.
"I've been wondering whether I should just focus on that for a while… maybe when I come home, Brynjolf will be back to his old self."
"Is it only because of Brynjolf you're wanting to do that?"
"No. I -"
I sniffled and cleared my throat.
"Before I even met you, I felt as though it was something I would definitely deal with at some point. Now that the Guild is recovering, and there are plenty of new recruits to take jobs, perhaps it's time for me to finish what I started with the Greybeards."
"As long as you aren't running away, I am fine with you taking a leave of absence," she replied gently. "Was there anything else?"
"Have you ever heard of a mage called Thadyn?" I asked after a few seconds.
"I believe so. An illusion specialist for the affluent?"
"That's him," I affirmed. "Well, I met him my first morning here in Riften, and saw him again this evening."
I wasn't certain how much would be wise to reveal. Still, I had come to think of Karliah like an older sister or aunt, and wanted to rely on her like I had Brynjolf.
"We're Nightingales, and can trust one another, right?"
"Of course," she insisted, scooting a little closer.
"You won't judge me, if I tell you something crazy? Aside from Thadyn and myself, you'd be the only other person who knows what I want to tell you…"
"I am your fellow Nightingale and Guildmaster, you can trust me."
I met her eye for a long time, gathering my thoughts and courage.
"That first morning I'd met Thadyn, I had woken near the Riften stables without any memories of Skyrim. The only memories I had were from a life as a different person in an altogether different world. I thought someone was pulling an elaborate joke."
I watched her reaction carefully, trying to gauge her thoughts. Karliah appeared a little shocked, but nodded at me to continue.
"Thadyn explained to me that my 'memories' were actually the illusion and assured me Skyrim is real. I didn't know what to believe, so I simply tried to survive and hoped to wake up."
"Well, if anyone would know about ramifications of illusion spells, that mage would certainly be someone who knows," Karliah said softly, continuing to focus on me.
"Anyway, I eventually met Brynjolf and he got me into the Guild. Then I got involved in the Goldenglow job and the rest is history, of which you're aware."
"Right," she nodded.
"Then, earlier this evening, I met Thadyn again for the first time since I woke up outside Riften all those months ago. We went out to the docks to chat, and he shared some rather enlightening information."
Sighing, I stood up.
"All this time, I've wondered what really happened to me. When it took longer to remember faces, voices, and names of important people from my memories, I was scared. At times, that other life felt like nothing more than a dream, but it was all I had of my past, so I clung to it."
I began pacing up and down the deck, hugging myself.
"It turns out, Thadyn was the one who erased my memory. He explained my real past, and I can totally believe asking him to give me a new start. It seems everything I've been holding dear was nothing more than my mind trying to preserve parts of itself from Thadyn's complete purging. The parents and brother I loved, my closest friends… none of it was real."
I could feel the emotions swirling through me, and quickly tried to stamp them out. I was getting sick of crying, even if it felt cathartic.
"My old family believes me to be dead at this point, so he told me to embrace this new life I've started and not feel chained to who I was before. That's another reason I want to find out where this dragonborn business takes me."
Stopping, I turned to look at the older Dunmer woman. She elegantly rose and turned to look out over the pool of water.
"What could have been so awful you'd have chosen to have your entire identity wiped clean?" I heard her murmur.
"Apparently, at nineteen, I'd been brought up in the corrupt world of the Markarth nobles, forced into an arranged marriage, kidnapped and tortured by Forsworn, then arrested and within an inch of being executed by the Imperials before a dragon attacked and also nearly killed me at Helgen," I said in a rush, hugging myself tighter.
"Shadows preserve us," she whispered intensely, spinning around to eye me.
"Anyway, that's everything that's on my mind," I said, rooted to my spot.
"Dani," she started. "Wait, is Dani even your real name? Do you know?"
"It is now."
"I see…"
We both stood, facing one another.
"Thank you, for not judging me," I eventually said, rubbing at my face.
"Listen… do what you feel you need to do. There will always be a place in the Guild for you."
As I dropped my hands, she placed her own on my shoulders.
"And if you need anything during this journey of yours, all you need to do is ask," Karliah continued, lifting one of her hands to smooth my hair. "You've done so much for all of us, it would be unforgivable not to support you with this endeavor."
"That's a weight off my shoulders, hearing you say that," I smiled, stepping forward to hug her.
"It's the truth," was her matter-of-fact reply, her arms tightening around me as well. "When will you leave?"
I pulled back and released a breath.
"As soon as possible, I suppose. Do you need me to do anything before I go?"
"No," she smiled, leading us away from the deck.
"I'll get a full night of sleep, pack my things, and then head out," I concluded. "Would it be alright to stash my trunk with you?"
"Of course."
"Well, it's a plan then."
At the hall forking off to the secret cupboard or some bedrooms, Karliah and I parted ways. It had felt good to share my burden with someone else, but I still had a knot in my stomach. Walking by the closed door to Brynjolf and Delvin's room, I ran a hand on the wood while wishing it was Brynjolf I could have confided in.
By mid-morning, I was ready to go. I had bought a large backpack to hold my things, seeing as I was taking more on the road with me. Rather than taking most of my gold, I decided to take a bag of gems I could sell for gold along the way. When all was said and done, the only items left in my trunk were some large bags of gold, books, Chillrend, and my journal. With Delvin's help, I placed it in Karliah's room. Since Vipir had already spilled the beans to him and Vex, I merely told him I was spending time on some dragonborn stuff.
Standing over the trunk, I wondered if I hadn't overpacked. I had a quiver full of arrows slung around me, the backpack on, a bedroll and Karliah's bow harnessed to it, and my Nightingale blade sheathed at my hip. It all felt immensely heavy. Sighing, I reached around to unharness the bow and quiver and place them in the trunk. I figured I could always use some fire spells for ranged attacks.
Testing the new weight distribution, I felt much more comfortable and made my way out to the Cistern to say goodbye to Karliah. While walking under the skylight, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. Turning my head, I saw Brynjolf emerging from the training rooms with the same pretty new recruit from the previous day. I felt the ever-present knot if my stomach twist as he reached up and patted her head. In an attempt to tame my green-eyed monster, I looked at the floor and closed my eyes.
I had the urge to try one last time, for I knew I'd regret it if I didn't try and something happened to me. Thus, I began walking with purpose toward the two.
"Brynjolf," I called out, getting his attention. The other girl nodded at me and walked toward the Flagon.
"Lass, really, I'm sorry but I'm a bit busy -"
"This won't take long," I interrupted, watching him sigh and lean his weight onto one foot. He wouldn't meet my gaze.
"Well?" he asked testily after I stood silently for a moment. I couldn't decide which words to say to him, hoping once again that my feelings could somehow reach him anyway.
"I'm heading out for -," I started softly, feeling my body go numb as he began walking back to the training rooms.
"Good luck on your job. I have something I really need to see to," he called over his shoulder, disappearing around the corner. I felt my eyes immediately brim with tears. Blinking them away, I turned and shuffled in Karliah's direction. I could tell by the look on her face that she'd witnessed the exchange.
"I don't know what's wrong with him," she said soothingly as I approached.
"It's fine. At least I can say I tried," I sniffled, smiling and trying to put on a brave face. "My trunk is in your room; thanks again for letting me leave it there."
"Do you have any idea how long you might be gone?"
"Er - well, I've mostly travelled by horse, so I don't know how long it will be on foot. My plan is to stop mby Whiterun to get my housecarl for some backup -"
"You have a housecarl?" Karliah chuckled from behind her desk. I had to admit, it was much neater than when Mercer had been running things.
"Yeah, the Jarl's gift for defeating the dragon."
"I see," she smiled.
"From there, we're going to Ustengrav. Then back to Whiterun to drop Lydia off. And then back to the Greybeards before coming home for a rest. If all goes well, in any case," I finished, running through the plan in my head.
"So we won't see you for a couple weeks, at best," Karliah sighed. "You've got everything you need?"
I smiled and patted my new backpack.
"Hope so."
"Walk with the shadows," she said purposefully, squeezing my shoulder. I could only nod, imagining Gallus watching over me on my journey. No one else was in the Cistern, so I made a quick exit and started my long hike to Whiterun.