I realized - as I lay on my bed staring at my ceiling - that having an all white room sucked at taking your mind off of things. But then again, I was pretty certain nothing could take my mind off of the memories that had panned out across my mind as Roxas told me about what had happened between him and I on that day. I couldn't believe that such raw and painful memories and emotions could have been lurking inside me all along. I remembered what Roxas had said to me, and everything that had been going on when he had been in my room, but what really got to me was what I had felt as he was walking away, when he didn't know I was watching him.
"How can you be so sure?" I paused and the words hung in the air. "Cause you know what, Roxas, if I had a heart, I'm pretty sure this would be what it feels like to have it broken."
Every step he took away from me I felt my heart break into tinier and tinier pieces. Roxas, you are my life, my light in the darkness surrounding my life, my heart even though I'm not supposed to have one. You make me feel whole. How can you leave me now, since you know all of this and more?
Secretly do you hate me? Do you think I'm obnoxious and annoying? Roxas, for you I would give up the world, I would change every part of me, just to see you turn around and walk back into my arms. I just can't understand why you're leaving me, no matter how important of a reason you say you have.
I'll miss you- you know that. You know your leaving will tear me apart.
I feel the tears coming now, hot and heavy, flowing down my cheeks and landing at my feet.
Roxas, there will never be anyone like you ever again. If you leave me now, I'll never have a best friend ever again. As horrible as it may seem, Demyx and Xion mean nothing to me compared to you. You can say it's selfish, how much I want you to stay here with me, but it's true. You were, are, the rock in my life that kept me grounded, kept me sane even though we're both living in such a fucked up world where we don't even know if we exist!
Please don't leave me Roxas.
Please don't leave me.
Please don't leave.
Please don't.
Please…
I couldn't talk if I wanted to, the words get lost in my throat and all that comes out is this heart wrenching gurgling sob sound. Ironic, the heart wrenching part and all, since you leaving is taking my heart away. I shouldn't be feeling anything, but yet I am.
I wiped away the tears that were starting to fall from my eyes and slowly trail down my cheeks onto my pillow, but after a while I gave up. There were just too many tears and they weren't going to stop anytime soon.
Augh, this was so frustrating. I felt weak, crying, and I didn't know how I could. I was a Nobody; I didn't have the 'right' to have fucking emotions. Was it because I was with Roxas again? If that was the reason I could cry, then I didn't feel so weak, but I still felt that aching hollowness in the middle of my chest. Roxas was my heart, the one who made me feel like I had a heart, and even though I had him I still felt empty. Maybe it was because of what I had remembered. I didn't know everything about that day, but if it was this emotionally and mentally exhausting I didn't think I wanted to.
Roxas, what are you doing to me?
Roxas's POVI wandered down unfamiliar hallways and up and down more stairways than I could count. Everything blurred together in flashes of whites and grays as I ran, looking for something, someone, or anyone who could help me. Every time I saw a flash of black or a hooded figure I hid the best I could in doorways or stairwells, hoping to get a flash of blonde or black hair, something that would show me where Xion or Demyx were. Of course, I longed for a flash of red hair, but Axel needed time to figure out his own memories, just like I had to. Finally, after I was pretty sure I had passed the same white hallway for the thirteenth time, I heard it. Music, floating gently down the hallway. It almost sounded like a guitar being played…
No! It was a sitar -or at least that's what Demyx called it- which meant he was nearby. Stumbling over my own feet I back tracked down the hallway, following the melody until I was positive it was coming from behind the door in front of me.
I peeked in through the half opened door and snuck in quietly as Demyx was too absorbed in his music to notice me. After the last cord was quietly strummed and Demyx seemed to float back to reality I cleared my throat, making him nearly fall off the bed in surprise.
"Geez man ever heard of knocking!" He sat on his bed clutching at his chest with a smirk playing on his lips.
"Sorry, you were just so into your music, I didn't want to interrupt you. But since you're done, I really need to talk to you." I stood by the door, my mind trying to figure out a way to tell Demyx everything that's been happening. "It's about that day, the one no one can remember. The day I tried to leave…" My voice trailed off as I saw Demyx's expression change. It was the same look he had been doing since I got back to the castle, the guilty look where he wouldn't meet my gaze. I had a sinking feeling Demyx remembered more than he was letting on. "Naminé told me I have to see everyone I came in contact with that day, and I have to come in physical contact with them. Apparently it helps to speed up my remembering." I walked over towards Demyx, standing awkwardly in front of him with my hand outstretched towards him, palm facing out. "So, uh, yeah." When Demyx finally looked up I saw the guilt flooding his expression, and out of instinct I pulled my hand away. "D-Demyx, what's wrong?"
We remained in silence for a moment before Demyx spoke up.
"Roxas, believe me, I never wanted what happened to happen; it just…happened. When you left, Axel was just so, he was…everything was just so messed up. You'll see." He muttered meekly at the end as he reached out and took hold of my hand.
"Roxas you're killing him! If you really leave, Axel'll be so fucked up he won't know up from down, and if he tries to go find you he'll get himself killed! I don't want to lose either of you, but especially not both of you! You're my best friends!" I flinched away as Demyx screamed at me, but there was nothing I could to but wait till he was done and then just get past him. I was so close to freedom, but more of my friends wouldn't let me through. I felt like if they were really my friends, they'd let me go because it was what I had to do, but what was I thinking? We're all Nobodies; we can't truly understand one another.
Demyx had finished yelling and was standing a few feet away from me, panting and glaring from his rant. "I'm sorry Demyx, but I have to do this." His eyes widened but the glare remained, even intensified more. If looks could kill…
"Don't apologize to me. Empty apologies are the worst. Even if you're not lying about being sorry, I'm not the one you need to apologize to." I felt a tightening in my chest the more I thought about Axel and how much I was hurting him, but my blank and indifferent expression didn't falter. I couldn't let Demyx know how weak and vulnerable I was on the inside, or I would never work up the courage to leave ever again. Haughtily I pushed past the blonde and towards the door leading to my freedom.
"Goodbye, Demyx." I was so close, ten steps away.
Nine.
Eight.
Seven.
Six.
Five.
Four.
Three.
Two-
The breathe was knocked out of me as I felt a pillar of water hit my back with the force of a stampeding bull, slamming me to the wall off to the side of the door. I had been so close; who would have known Demyx of all people would fight with me. I stood there trying to get my breathing back to normal before spinning around, my water hair whipping out of my eyes, which were fixed on Demyx with a glare.
"Demyx cut the crap. Let me leave."
"No." Demyx's normal personality was gone and in its place was the personality of, well, a real Nobody. No true emotions except the drive to stop me from leaving. He always got like this when he was fighting someone and it took all of his concentration and power. We, Axel and I, used to always joke he was bi-polar, but now it didn't seem quite so funny.
Demyx's fingers flew over the neck of his sitar in a blur, the melody sad and angry. I felt cold metal in both of my hands as my keyblades appeared, and I waited for his next attack. I knew I could beat Demyx, easily, but it was weird fighting one of your best friends who you've known for years. But I knew Demyx wasn't holding back as I felt another pillar of water hit me, from three different sides, so I couldn't hold back either.
As Demyx called out his water clones, which were still so weak no matter how much he practiced them, I knew I had my opening. I bolted forward slicing through clone after clone, my entire body becoming thoroughly soaked, until I was at Demyx. I raised both keyblades above my head in an X before slashing down at Demyx with a powerful blow. However, I closed my eyes just as the blow was about to be delivered. I couldn't watch myself inflict pain on my friend, no matter what the situation was like.
-Clank-
What the hell? My eyes snapped open to see the object my keyblades had collided with was another keyblade.
"Damn it Xion stay out of this!" I growled as I through my weight into the keyblades and pushed myself so I slide a few feet away. "This isn't your fight!"
"But you're both my friends! I'm not going to just sit back and watch you kill each other!" I was surprised for a moment.
"I wasn't going to kill Demyx." I muttered as I tightened my grip on both metal handles. "I just need to get out of here. I'll fight both of you if that's what it takes! I just need to leave!" Augh, this was so frustrating. "Why can't anyone just leave me to my own fate? Why did everyone have to involve themselves in my problems! Just forget about me!" As I stood glaring at Demyx and Xion, I felt someone behind me and I saw Xion's eyes leave me and look above me. Oh great, someone else. But, before I could turn around, I heard something whispered and hot breath fan out across my ear.
"Roxas, I could never forget about you. Got it memorized?"
I felt something hard and metal hit the side of my head and for a moment all I could register was pain. Then everything went black.
"What happened to him?" I didn't know whose voice it was. I was fading in and out of consciousness, and the girl's voice wasn't one I recognized.
"I'll explain it later, but you have to do this now, before Xemnas finds out. He thinks Roxas left the Organization for good, he doesn't know he's here."
I recognized that voice. "Axel."
I stepped away from Demyx because I already knew the rest. I didn't know what to think, what to feel. It had been Axel who had finally stopped me from leaving. Well, in a way it had been Xion and Demyx too, but ultimately Axel.
Why had I been so determined to leave was the biggest question I had though. What made me so compelled to want to fight my friends?
"I'm sorry, Roxas." Demyx looked at me, waiting for my reaction.
"Why are you sorry? I'm the one who was willing to hurt you so I could leave."
"Yeah, but I started the fight. I just, I wanted you to stay so bad, for Xion, and me and for Axel, and I never thought about you and what you needed to do. If I had let you leave, everything that's about to happen, it wouldn't be…"
"What do you mean?" I was confused. What was about to happen?
"I-I can't say anything else, just go find Axel. I think you two should probably talk about, things…" I hesitated, wondering what secret Demyx was harboring, but I finally relented and made my way to the door.
"Good luck, Roxas."
"Thanks, Demyx." Then I was gone, running down hallway after hallway, trying to find my redhead and fix everything that was happening. I was confused and there were so many memories jammed into my head that it was pounding and hurting like crazy, but I didn't even care.
I had to find him. I had to find Axel.
I had to make everything all right.
I just had to.