11.
He's being so vicious toward me that I can hardly stand it.
I know why I brought him back, Riza. He's one of the only two people in the world who aren't afraid to slap the truth right in my face.
Is there really any more truth I need to hear, though? I already know that everything I've done with my life has been…terrible. It's not like I need to be told. I know that truth better than either you or Maes.
Because of course, you're the other person who isn't afraid of looking me in the eye and throwing the truth at me.
But he's conveniently dead, so he's available for resurrection. While you're…inconveniently?...alive.
I don't mean that. God, I don't mean it. If anything happened to you, I don't think I could go on. Just knowing you're out there right now, getting on with life, alive and well (because someone would notify me if you weren't) – it makes everything worth it. You deserve to live and be happy. You deserve peace.
Those weeks when you helped me recover were the closest to happy that I've been in years. I couldn't tell you – because it was just never allowed, was it? – what paradise it was, to wake up in the morning and see your face above me, and that golden hair. It was like silk. I don't think you know how often I had to keep myself from running my hands through it.
Will I ever see you again? It would probably be better for you if I didn't. I don't think you'd agree with me, though, and that hurts very badly. You are such a fine person, sometimes I can't bear the thought that you might remain loyal to me, and…care for me.
Or do you, now? Maybe it was the last straw, my walking out on you as I did. Maybe it finally proved to you that I am unredeemable. It would be so much better for you if it did.
And it would be utterly unbearable for me.