Nowforruin agreed to beta this. THANK you.
For Kisvakondok.
I don't own Twilight. Any similarities to actual persons or events, alive or dead, real or fictitious, are merely coincidental, and most likely the product of my feverish imagination.
10.
2007
Three weeks after the party, sometime around the end of September, I was back to my old routine, or so at least I thought. A more accurate description might have been that I'd learned to cope.
Staying alone in my apartment for extended periods of time still made me think too much, so I avoided it. Fortunately I was never short of work during the last weeks of the boom and most days I could scavenge up enough work to keep me busy at the office for fifteen to seventeen hours, leaving only enough time to go home to sleep and change. It wasn't uncommon for me to be at the office on Saturdays and occasionally on Sundays too. On one such Saturday, I ran into Jasper Whitlock on my way to the office.
"What's up, Cullen?" He was standing in his usual spot near the entrance, cigarette and cup of coffee in hand. I hadn't seen him since our encounter in the elevator shortly after Bella had dropped out of sight and I'd been a wreck.
"Not much. You look like shit, Whitlock," I noted, his appearance worse than usual after a night in some bar or strip club. I expected the unwashed hair and the three days worth of stubble in his face, but I'd never seen him in clothes as crumbled and dirty as that before. If he hadn't greeted me, I'd have been tempted to toss a coin in his coffee cup and keep on walking.
I hoped for his sake the head of his division hadn't made the decision to come to the office over the weekend. Maria, his boss, ran a tight ship, mostly by instilling fear, often threatening to put their asses out on the street if they didn't perform. She'd be sure to strike the fear of God into him if she caught him looking like that in the office. Not that I would've blamed her. The way I saw it there was no other way, particularly for a woman, to rein in the testosterone fueled crowd she oversaw. They would have ignored her orders and done whatever they wanted. I always gave her credit for managing them as well as she did.
"Gee, thanks." Jasper took a sip from the blue cup with the Grecian design on it and then looked at me with a grimace on his face. I wasn't sure whether it was my comment or the cheap coffee that had caused the expression on his face, so I ignored it.
"I forgot to tell you, Alice said she'd call you. Did she?" I lit a cigarette and leaned against the dark glass walls encircling the lobby.
"Yeah, we're hanging out tonight. You should come. One of her clients is hosting a party at a hotel in TriBeCa. I'll send you the address."
"I got it already from Alice. Thanks, but I'm not sure whether I can make it." I'd gotten the invite to the soiree from Alice the week before. A director for whom Alice had bought an early De Kooning was hosting it. I'd stayed in touch with her loosely, mostly via e-mail, but never attended any of the events she invited me to.
"Don't worry; your girl won't be there. Alice told me she's left the city for the weekend."
"Why would I worry?" I snapped, irritated more with myself than with his comment; my best efforts to maintain the appearance of reserve were seemingly ineffective.
"Never mind, Cullen. Come or don't." He killed his cigarette on the wall and started walking off.
"Jasper!" I called, as he was about to enter the building.
"Yeah?"
"You should go home and take a shower. In case Maria is in."
"I don't have the time. I called in sick twice this week. Stuff's piled up on my desk and Maria is at a spa in Connecticut with one of her bitches."
"Sick, huh?" Nursing a hangover with a Mojito, more likely I was convinced back then. I hadn't figured out yet how dangerous his habits had become.
"What can I say, Cullen? I have a life. You should give it a try sometime."
I shrugged my shoulders as he walked away.
By eight, my idle fingers tapping a steady beat on my empty desk, I decided to take Alice up on her invitation and walked outside to catch a cab. Since I knew Bella wouldn't be there, going out was as good a distraction as any.
I entered the bar of the downtown hotel and scanned the masses for familiar faces. I found Alice quickly, perched on a bar stool engrossed in a conversation with a blonde.
"What's up?" I greeted her.
"Edward!" she said loudly, while hugging me with a bit too much enthusiasm. "I'm so glad you could finally make it to something I invited you to!"
"I'm sorry. I've been busy."
"I hear ya. So am I and this is sort of work for me as well."
"Did Jasper show up yet?"
"Nope. I'm not certain he'll come. He's either late or doesn't show at all lately."
"That's odd."
"Not really. I'll tell you about it later." She pushed her drink on the counter. "I'm being rude. This is Tanya," she said, motioning to the blonde next to her.
"Hi, how're you? Edward," I introduced myself, giving her a fleeting glance, my appetite for the opposite sex still lacking; perhaps another sign that I was still living in denial.
"Hey. Nice to meet you, Edward."
"I gotta go say 'hi' to someone, possibly reel in another client. I'll be back," Alice muttered, already stepping away from her seat, leaving me alone with her friend.
"So … how do you know Alice?" I heard the girl ask, sliding onto Alice's stool.
"A friend of a friend, I guess." I ordered a drink. "And you?" I asked, not really caring about the response.
"I'm her guru."
I laughed at her crank comment, giving her another glance.
"I knew I'd get a reaction out of you with that." She giggled lightheartedly. I had to admit, she was cute. Sexy even. Her long hair hung loosely around her shoulders and the golden tone of her skin suggested she'd spent the better part of the summer at the beach instead of an office. "I'm her yoga teacher actually."
"I see." A tattoo adorned her upper arm, her low cut flowery blouse revealed just the right amount of skin and her legs were long and tanned. Yoga teacher fit the bill, not that I'd ever known any before.
"What do you do? For a living, I mean."
"What do you think?" I wasn't sure I wanted the conversation to go anywhere.
"You want me to guess?" she asked with a bit of an incredulous expression on her face.
I didn't answer. Small talk grew stale fast and the guessing game was on average the more entertaining part.
"Lawyer?"
"Too much work and not enough pay."
"Accountant?"
"Do I look that boring?" She inspected me carefully for a second. "I work for an investment bank," I admitted, cutting to the chase.
"Ah, I see. A gambler of sorts … with other people's money." She wrinkled her nose in mock distaste. "Go figure."
"Should I be offended?"
"Are you? I hadn't figured you for the sensitive type."
"No. Not really."
"Good."
"So how do you really make a living?"
"Are you suggesting I'm moonlighting in another profession?" She winked at me.
"No. I'm just curious…"
"How the other half lives?" The girl did start to amuse me.
"I might be more familiar with that than you think." I took a sip of my drink. "No, I'm just not sure how anybody makes a living teaching people to stretch into unnatural poses."
"That's not all yoga is. And yes, for your information, I get by. I've got a fair number of students and give enough private instructions to keep me afloat." She shrugged her shoulders, seemingly not a care in the world. It was kind of refreshing how unaffected she seemed by the daily grind that gave so many city dwellers a nervous twitch. Conversation flowed easily after that and before I knew it, it was late.
I was contemplating whether or not to ditch the place after a trip to the restroom, when Alice pulled me to the side.
"Can I talk to you for a minute?" She walked ahead of me out into the lobby. I knew payback would be due eventually, so I braced myself for questions about Jasper.
"Yeah, sure," I answered reluctantly. I doubted I could be of any real help to her. After all, I knew very little about Whitlock, despite the fact that we'd worked for the same firm for nearly four years at that point and had spent plenty a night together entertaining clients. Born in Texas, he liked to party hard, had some other vices and lived in studio in the East Village. Finding out more would only be trouble.
"Did you get Bella's thank you note for her birthday present?"
"What?" She'd me caught off guard and I stumbled.
"Oh, come on. You must've known she'd tell me?"
"I got it. So what?"
"Are you going to call her?"
"No. I don't see why."
Alice sighed and looked at the floor for a second before pinning me down with her stare. "I know you have reasons not to call her, one of them certainly being that she's with someone else by choice. I understand that. I just …" She chewed on the inside of her cheek for a minute, seemingly lost in thought, before continuing, "I didn't think you'd give up that easily. Honestly … I thought you were her friend. She could use one right about now, you know?"
"You're her friend," I pointed out. She stared at me and didn't say anything else. The thought alone of responding to her note made me feel weak. I wasn't ready for that.
"Look, I have to work a lot lately. I'm not always around. With my business, it's either feast or famine. Right now people are buying art, and I live off the commission for brokering deals. I had to fly to London twice last week alone. I have a feeling this latest cycle will end soon and I need a cushion. Anyway, she's been kind of depressed, working for her dad––"
"You're barking up the wrong tree, if you think I'd call her to be friends so she can have a shoulder to cry on. It's not happening. I'm done."
"So the talk you had at the party was that bad, huh?" She had a nonchalant expression on her face.
"What do you want me to say? Apparently I don't fit in with her Greenwich, Upper East Side prep school crowd. Her and Riley on the other hand… well, what can I say, they apparently make sense."
"She said that?"
I scoffed at her suggestion that I'd somehow misinterpreted Bella's not so veiled hint.
"I don't believe she said you don't fit in with her crowd and that's why she acted so foolishly. Bella is a lot of things, but she isn't a snob." I looked at her in disbelief. "Look, all her life other people have made most of her decisions for her and yeah, she let them, so ultimately she's to blame too. And I know that doesn't excuse her behavior toward you. I don't know how to explain it … except, I think if you were a starving artist or social worker, she'd be head over heels into you, though your worlds would have possibly never collided and her father most certainly wouldn't approve. You must've misunderstood something."
"I don't care." It wasn't even a lie. I didn't really care what her motivations were anymore.
She sighed and I could tell she was giving up. "What did the note say if you don't mind me asking?"
"I do mind and I don't remember. Ask her. I tossed it."
"Liar. Stop acting like a twelve year old with a fragile ego, Edward. She won't tell me. She only whines and tells me that she tried. That's all I can get out of her." She rolled her eyes at me.
"Tried what?"
"To get in contact with you … tried to fix things, I guess."
"There's nothing to fix, Alice. It's water under the bridge. Let it go."
She raised her hands in resignation. "Fine. Have it your way. Don't hook up with Tanya unless you like her. Promise me?"
"Are you serious?" I'd have been liar if I'd told her the thought hadn't crossed my mind during the last couple of hours while she'd inched closer to me. My drive might have not been what it was before, but I wasn't oblivious to her come-ons. There was no mistaking her small, but orchestrated moves; the way she'd flung her hair over her shoulder revealing more skin, her hands pressing down on her thighs creating the illusion of ample cleavage above and the small intentional touches. And part of me was itching to get laid, to fuck her out of my system if possible.
"Yes." A look of determination had formed on Alice's face. I smirked and started to walk away until she grabbed my shirt, stopping me in my tracks. "She's nice, and you're not over the whole Bella ditching you thing. She deserves someone who'd actually want to be with her, but she's not your type. Not in the long run anyway."
The whole conversation had taken a direction that was even more outside my comfort zone than the topic of Jasper Whitlock might have been.
"Honestly? It's none of your business, Alice. And you introduced us," I seethed through clenched teeth.
"Not for that purpose, obviously." She didn't let go of my shirt and I budged, just to get her off my back. I had no intention of being bound by my promise.
"Okay. Whatever you say. Would that be all?"
"Her birthday gift, did you pick it? If you had someone help you, let me know who. I like to know my competition."
"I picked it," I admitted grudgingly, like somehow telling her that I'd actually made the effort to choose a present for her exposed something she didn't already know.
"Good. I like it. Solid investment if you'd kept it."
"Biggest waste of two hundred grand I've ever spent. I venture to say the Porsche I crashed last summer was a better investment. At least I enjoyed the ride."
Alice just looked at me with a sad expression on her face. I hated it. I would've preferred disgust.
"Did Jasper call you?" I asked, trying to change the subject.
"Yeah, he did. He promised he'd be here any minute. That was about two hours ago. I'm worried about him."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know… he's mixing up his cocktails. Not a good sign." I had no idea what she meant by that.
"Let me know if there's anything I can do to help?" I didn't know what had gotten into me as the words escaped my mouth. "He's always overindulged, but I'm sure you know that. Not showing up for stuff … I don't know, doesn't sound like him."
"Thanks. I'm not sure there's anything you can do." A tear rolled down her cheek all of a sudden, though her voice remained calm. "I fucked up. I got involved … attached somehow." She wiped the tear away quickly, regaining her composure.
"Do you want me to get you a cab?" I offered, not sure what else to do or say.
Five minutes later, I was helping her into a taxi.
"Edward? Are you heading home?" I heard a voice call after me as I walked down the street away from the hotel.
"Yeah." I turned around and saw Tanya standing at the entrance of the hotel.
"Care for company?" She took several confident steps in her high-heeled sandals until she stood next to me.
I didn't answer. We continued side-by-side, smoking and talking. Unlike Isabella, the girl strutting next to me did not need my arm to walk securely. Her poise was a natural trait and not an act.
"So why did you go into banking?" she asked after we'd walked a couple of blocks.
"Easy and quick rewards."
"Really?"
"Appears that way."
"Money is important to you," she stated.
"I'm sure I'm not unique in that respect."
"No, you're right. Hardly. But you're not looking for something more? You don't strike me as a shallow man. Do you like what you're doing?"
I paused, contemplating her question for a moment. I'd always thrived on the energy and the level of stress that came with my job. The mechanics, the analysis that went into making decisions came naturally to me and I never had to work hard at exceeding in any of my tasks.
"I'm good at it," I finally answered.
"I was a good dancer, some would said extremely talented, but my heart wasn't in it." She pulled her hair together into a messy pony tale.
"Your heart wasn't in it, huh?" I chortled. She didn't respond to my taunt.
"Hey, look!" She practically bounced over to a store entrance lit by a cheap blazing neon sign. "We should get a reading." She pointed at the writing above the open door. The sign read 'Psychic Readings, $10.00.' Plastic beaded curtains hid the room behind from view and the stink of incense hung thickly in the air.
"You're kidding, right?"
"No. Come on. Don't you wanna know what your future holds?"
"I already know that. 'You're going to loose ten dollars' is what that woman sitting in there will tell me." I ignored her and kept on walking. She'd officially started to annoy me. Alice was right. She wasn't my type. Not even in the short run.
"You're not much fun, Edward." She pouted, but continued walking by my side. "So who's the girl that broke your heart? I hope she's worth it."
"Excuse me?"
"Oh, come on! You're not fooling me." She nudged me with her elbow and I cursed my decision to hang out with a crazy girl who had no sense of boundaries. "I'm a good listener. Just tell me why you're in such a funk."
"It's nothing. I'm fine."
"I think it's clear you're mourning a loss of some sort. A girl was my first guess."
"Clear? You don't know me."
"I don't know a lot, but enough to see that something isn't right. You've misery written all over you. You think nobody can see, but it's blatantly apparent when you take the time to look. Your voice is devoid of passion, like you don't care about anything, and the look in your eyes is kind of distant, blank and dull. Your shoulders are hunched, like you carry the weight of the world on them."
"I see. I think you're full of it."
"You don't have to talk about it. It's just…sometimes it helps?"
"I prefer not to, if you don't mind."
We didn't say much after that and parted ways shortly later. Had I ever been tempted to sleep with her, that desire had evaporated the minute she so much as hinted at Isabella.
Before she jumped into the cab, she threw her arm around my neck and breathed into my ear, "Love and invulnerability cannot coexist in the same space."
I nearly shoved her into the waiting car after that and shut the door the minute she sat down. Hailing the next cab, I checked my BlackBerry for messages from work, almost hoping there was something I needed to do at four AM on a Sunday morning other than sleep.
There were no e-mails. I'd one missed call, no voicemail. Seeing Isabella's name flash on the screen when I checked for the caller ID should've given me some sort of satisfaction, but it didn't. It just made me bitter. Who the hell did she think she was to call me on Saturday night?
I scrolled through my list of contacts quickly and deleted her name from it. I'd still recognize her number unfortunately.
At night in my bed, the words from Bella's letter wouldn't let me find sleep. Of course I remembered the note, down to every single damn word.
Dear Edward,
I thank you for your present. It's perfect and I love it. I know I don't deserve it. I was going to return it you, but Alice said that would be rude. Funny thing is, you probably don't even care for this expression of my gratitude and maybe you were right after all, maybe actions do speak louder and clearer than words, but words are all I have right now.
I don't know where to start to make this better, to let you know how truly sorry I am.
I think of you each time I take a lunch break (because it's not the same without you), each time I take the subway, and each time I forget to say 'please' (which happens more and more these days). I guess you could say I think about you every day, and every day I regret a little more how I let things go so astray.
I know you don't want to be friends with me anymore, but some part of me can't give up hope that maybe someday we'll talk again, like we used to all the time.
I miss you and hope you can forgive me.
Yours,
Bella
The valediction made the rest of the letter meaningless to me.
Thank you for reading!
Special thanks to DreamOfTheEndless and IcarusToSun for reading, reviewing and rec'ing this story. I totally owe you and feel flattered.