Disclaimer: I worked in the USO in San Diego in college. San Diego had oodles of marines and sailors that talked and acted like this; I was privy to way too many conversations like this because I was considered to be one of the guys. Here's hoping 'real men' are a little better than these guys are.
Why Safe Sex is Life Firearm Safety
By Lester Santos as told to Alfonsina"Anybody else want a beer while I'm up?" I called over my shoulder.
Zip, Zero, Caesar and I got back from a takedown early tonight and decided to play some cards at my place. Problem was, we were between paychecks and nobody had any spare cash. There was a new dancer at Dominoes' and somehow she kept making our money evaporate while her clothes disappeared. The woman was magic. She could even make her pasties twirl in opposite directions at the same time.
I'd called Bobby to join us, he had late shift and needed to shoot a couple of hours before he went on graveyard shift anyway.
"Yeah man, I'll take one while you're up," Zip said.
"Pass," Zero said.
"Got any water in there?" Caesar asked.
So I came back to the table where we were trying to play cards. We were doing the whole Stephanie Plum Week in Reviewng. It was a regular Friday night thing with us, we all tried to get a better Stephanie story than the next guy.
Usually it was about who'd been with her on the latest disaster, those conversations were fun sober or straight. This week she'd come into the lunchroom pissed off at Morelli and declared that cucumbers were better than men. Not only had she declared it, but she made this declaration in front of the entire office. Somehow she'd missed the memo that it was Erik's birthday lunch in the break room that day.
Just because she caught Morelli in the bed with a blonde meant nothing. She must've been the maid at the hotel down the street. He was staying there until the paint was dry in his bathroom. It should have been obvious she was the maid based on her little black lace outfit, fishnets and high heels. She was making sure everything in the room was clean and was starting with the sheets; hey it was an excuse I'd used in the past and gotten away with using.
After about the fourth beer, we forgot about the cards and decided it was much more fun to shoot the shit and talk about sex. No surprise there. We were all currently single, sort of. I mean I had Shirley, Melinda and Annie but I wasn't serious with any of them, and none of them were in my bed tonight.
I chose the specific sex topic: having safe sex was kind of like following the National Rifle Association's rules for firearm safety. Sure the rules were effective and kept people safe, but if you applied it to yourself and your sex life, it made you feel kind of like you ought to be married; the rules took all the fun out of things.
"OK, so who remembers 'rule number one' of fire arm safety?" I asked. I knew what it was but I wanted to know if these yahoos still remembered it.
"Well we know we're supposed to think all guns are always loaded all the time," Zip said. "Aren't we supposed to apply this to women?"
"Sure, I can do that. . But loaded women that doesn't mean women who are looking for a good time have any money," Zero slurred, "or that they're drunk."
"It means that you've always got to assume they're fertile," Caesar said. "and you're never out of the potential daddy zone."
"That's something I should probably work on," I said. Looking at my child support payments, I probably should've assumed that the last two women I was with were fertile and insisted on the condom, shit. DNA testing was soon to be in my future. If they'd sleep with me, they'd probably sleep with someone else, right?
Bobby pulled up the NRA website and found the official rules and read the infamous rule number one to us:
"Rule #1. ALWAYS keep the gun pointed in a safe direction. This is the primary rule of gun safety. A safe direction means that the gun is pointed so that even if it were to go off it would not cause injury or damage. The key to this rule is to control where the muzzle or front end of the barrel is pointed at all times."
"Cool, that means just keep it in your pants as long as you can," Zero slurred.
"Nah, man. It means make sure you know where you are aiming it when you get to use it. You know, make sure she's really a SHE before you whip it out of your pants," Caesar said. "Unless you are into that kind of a thing, I guess."
That'd only happened to me once, but I wasn't going to admit it one of them unless they admitted it first, that would be a secret I'd keep to myself.
"Nah, it means not pointing it at the first blonde with big tits who's had too much to drink, even if you think you've got a chance to take her home and shag her rotten," Zip slurred. "You should always know her name and have enough cash to get her a cab home after you are done."
"Who think's they know the second rule?" Bobby asked. He was smiling a little too big, probably because he would be the only one to remember this conversation in the morning and he'd have ammunition on us, no pun intended, for months. Hell he'd probably be able to keep most of the conversation a secret forever and just use bits and pieces of it when he needed a favor and blackmail was his best chance to get it.
"I know this one," I said, "pre-mature ejaculation isn't a good thing. Don't let her get you worked up to the point you've got a hair trigger. Of course it's never happened to me."
"Nope. It's never happened to me. In fact I've never heard of it happening before," someone said.
"Me either," said another voice.
"Close enough guys," Bobby said and then he read the rule, "Rule number two. ALWAYS keep your finger off the trigger until ready to shoot.When holding a gun, rest your finger on the trigger guard or along the side of the gun. Until you are actually ready to fire, do not touch the trigger."
Zero said, "I guess this really means that I should have planned to keep my peter in my pants more often. A properly holstered weapon is very difficult to make fire; at least if the man is over 25 and has gotten some in at least the last month or so. My fuse is shorter, I've got to get some relief at least once a week, but this isn't really about me, is it?"
"Ah man, too much information," Caesar said. "Do we need to keep that a secret now that we know it? I mean Zip is like the mouth of God and he'll tell everyone."
"I do not. Anyway, this whole thing is getting girlie. Let's talk about that stripper's jugs," Zip said.
"Well, you know they were just how I like 'em," I said.
"You like overly big, fake boobs that don't move?" Zero asked. "Man I think more than a mouthful is a waste."
"Nah, you don't know how to live, bigger is always better," I said.
"I'll be sure to tell Shirley you said that in the morning," Bobby said.
"She'll kill me," I said. "Or else she'll make me pay for her boob job." I really couldn't afford to pay for another set right now. I still owed the plastic surgeon on the last two sets. Thank god he had his own financing available and I was such a good client I got special pricing.
"Anybody know rule number three?" Bobby asked.
We greeted Bobby with drunken silence so he read it to us.
"Rule number three. ALWAYS keep the gun unloaded until ready to use. Whenever you pick up a gun, immediately engage the safety device if possible, and, if the gun has a magazine, remove it before opening the action and looking into the chamber(s) which should be clear of ammunition. If you do not know how to open the action or inspect the chamber(s), leave the gun alone and get help from someone who does."
"Man, that's my favorite rule, because I keep condoms everywhere. Then again that makes my gun always ready to use," Caesar said, "and it's always loaded."
"I think none of us are good at that rule," Zero said. "I mean we're all still in our prime and it's kind of tough to keep it unloaded. But it's usually not hard to find someone to help us 'engage the safety device'."
"True," I agreed.
"Man this is a downer," Zip said. "I really wish we'd gone someplace other than Dominoes' tonight. She so wasn't worth that much cash."
"Yeah, but one of us will probably pay for a lapdance with her next week," Caesar said. "That woman can gyrate, she was probably a belly dancer in her past life."
"Man, why don't you ever go?" I asked Bobby.
"Because I'd rather keep my money in my wallet and know who I'm spending time with. You guys are a bunch of man whores. I have more respect for women than the three of you put together."
"Yeah, but you haven't been laid in forever," I said.
"It's not like it'll fall off for lack of use," Bobby said.
"Sure about that. I've heard that if you don't…." Zip said.
"Showing your lack of brains again," Zero said.
"Got it, sorry," Zip said.
"Actually, he's talking about the rules for gun storage," Bobby said.
Huh?
"A gun brought out of prolonged storage should also be cleaned before shooting. Accumulated moisture and dirt, or solidified grease and oil, can prevent the gun from operating properly," Bobby read. "You guys are probably all in need of getting checked for STDs again."
Probably true.
"What about cleaning it before you put it away?" Caesar asked.
"Applies to both guns and you or didn't you ever have sex ed in school?" Bobby asked. Then he read, "Cleaning. Regular cleaning is important in order for your gun to operate correctly and safely. Taking proper care of it will also maintain its value and extend its life. Your gun should be cleaned every time that it is used. Be sure the gun is safe to operate. Just like other tools, guns need regular maintenance to remain operable. Regular cleaning and proper storage are a part of the gun's general upkeep. If there is any question concerning a gun's ability to function, a knowledgeable gunsmith should look at it."
"Forget I said anything."
"No problem."
Zip stood over Bobby's shoulder and read to the group, "Store guns so they are not accessible to unauthorized persons."
"Who do you consider unauthorized?" I asked.
"Please," Bobby said.
Pretty much anyone who was single, healthy looking with a nice rack I might consider giving authorization, but since the killjoy was in the room I wasn't about to say that outloud.
Caesar joined Zip standing behind Bobby and said, "This one is kind of a favorite, especially when you need ear protection.Wear eye and ear protection as appropriate. Guns are loud and the noise can cause hearing damage."
"Most of the time I only need eye protection the morning after," Zero mumbled.
"Means you shouldn't drink so hard the night before," Bobby said.
Hey, I knew for a fact that he'd had his fair share of bad mornings after. He just didn't want to admit it in front of any of us.