Chapter Elven: Unamused Uj

Disclaimer: Joss is boss... wait wrong fandom. WE OWN NOTHING (except ourselves... we hope)

SORRY FOR THE WAIT! ALPHA, DON'T KILL US!!!!!

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Out on the plains of Dantooine there stood three figures. One in fancy Jedi robes, one in a plain padawan robe, and the other in shiny green gym shorts and a white t-shirt over-top a well loved set chainmail. The Jedi, Master Riley had been assigned the duty of instructing the two newest apprentices the most important lesson a Jedi can learn: How Not To Be Seen.

"On these plains there are forty-seven people, none of them can be seen. In this lesson I hope to show you how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up." Riley turned from the girls to the expanse of grassland.

"Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up please." In the distance, a Mr Bradshaw stood up. Loud gunshot sounded a moment later and Mr Bradshaw keeled over, having been shot in the stomach. He crumpled to the ground. " This demonstrates the value of not being seen. Now let's move on."

Amanda looked at Leslie with a what-the-frak-was-that look on her face as the Jedi Master lead the two apprentices to an empty area of scrub land.

"In this area we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please."

All three heads turned to the right as Mrs. Smegma stood up. Another gunshot was heard and the trio watched as Mrs. Smegma met the same fate as Mr. Bradshaw. Amanda's eyes widened, but as she opened her mouth to protest the violent nature of the lesson, Riley swept the two to yet another area, this one with a bush in the middle.

"This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please." Riley paused, and this time to Amanda's relief, nothing happened. Riley smiled. "Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover."

The bush proceeded to explode, the boom accompanied by a muffled scream. Amanda's eyes bugged out at the mushroom shaped cloud.

Leslie had a satisfied expression on her face. "Nice cloud."

Riley nodded. "Yup."

Motioning them to turn to the left, the trio observed that there were three immaculately cared for begonia bushes.

"Mr. E.V. Lambert of Homeleigh, The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out." Riley stated with a wave of his arm. The bush on the left exploded much the same as the first. The other two met the same fate and as the middle bush exploded, they could see flying bits of humanoid shoot up to the sky.

Chuckling to himself, Riley spoke with fondness, "Yes it was the middle one."

Moving along to another area, one with plenty of cover, the Jedi Master continued his lesson.

"Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the speeder, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel."

As if on cue, the water barrel disappeared into a fiery explosion. Master Riley then led the apprentices towards a hut, explaining as they went.

"Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were."

Gesturing to the hut, it too blew up.

"And here is the neighbour."

The neighbour proceeded to explode, leaving only his pants behind.

"Here is where he lived. And this is where Lord Langdin lived who refused to speak to us. So did the gentleman who lived there.... and there... and of course there....." Each sentence was punctuated by a loud, far-off boom. Mushroom clouds could be seen faintly in the distance.

"Okay, that's it, STOP! How is this relevant to Jedi Training? I mean, blowing people up?! That doesn't seem very Jedi-like." Amanda interjected, finally losing her cool.

Riley shifted uncomfortably. "Of course it's Jedi-like..." He trailed off.

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The smell of nutty fruity goodness wafted through the Ebon Hawk as Amanda and Leslie returned to the ship after a long day of training.

Despite being throughly soaked from a spiteful raincloud, Leslie exclaimed excitedly, "I can't believe we saw elves that looked straight out of Middle-Earth walking through the plains of Dantooine!"

The perfectly dry Amanda was still on edge from their training. "Yeah... But what were they doing here?"

Making their way through the halls with the intention of collapsing on their respective bunks, they wandered into the ship's common area. Leslie was first to notice the delicious aroma coming from the kitchenette.

"Is that..."

Amanda's eyes widened. "Uj cake?"

The women raced towards the scent, skidding to a halt in front of Cary. She stood in the middle of the kitchenette area, with bright red oven mitts and an apron that had the slogan, Venez au côté obscur: Nous avons des biscuits.

The older brunette smiled. "Yup. Perfect timing too, I've just finished. Go and get the others – I'm about to dish it out."

Leslie and Amanda raced over to the Big Red Button on the wall.

"I want to press the button!" Exclaimed Amanda.

Leslie batted her hand out of the way. "Mine!"

Snatching her hand back, Amanda fixed the blonde with her patented I-Am-NOT-Amused face. Her friend pouted, then whipped her hand out and palmed the button anyways.

A blaring alarm screeched through the Hawk, emergency lights bathing the girls in red hues. Eyes narrowing, Amanda's face went from I-Am-NOT-Amused to I-Am-REALLY-Not-Amused. Leslie paled, turned on her heel and ran.

Passing Carth, who was making his way to the source of the alarm, Leslie dove behind her pilot for cover.

"Leslie?"

"Shhhh! I'm not here."

Carth turned to look at her. "You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the alarm, would you?"

"Maybe... But that's not important. Is that jacket of yours resistant to WMDs?" She asked, glancing around worried.

"Uhh... Why?"

"No reason. Just.. Uh, it's a very nice jacket and uh... Amanda might not be amused right now..."

"What does her not being amused have to do with anything? Is that why you pulled the alarm? Because Amanda's not amused?" Shaking his head at the nonsense, the soldier took the woman by the arm and half dragged her to the kitchenette.

"NOOOO!" She protested, attempting to get away. "Don't make me stare into the Face of DEATH!"

Leslie hesitantly turned her gaze towards Amanda, only to see the brunette munching happily on a piece of freshly baked Uj cake. Carth had an incredulous look on his face.

"A real Harbinger of Doom, that girl."

Amanda glanced up, grinning at the pilot. "Uj cake?" she asked, gesturing towards the plates sitting in a row on the table, each adorned with a slice of the tasty goodness.

"Mmmm... Don't mind if I do." Smiling at the girl, he helped himself to a plate and sat down between Mission and Zalbaar.

Leslie, desperate, looked to Cary. "You can vouch for me! When she's not amused, she..." the blonde shuddered.

Shaking her head, Cary replied, "I'm not getting into this. Uj cake?"

Taking off her glasses, Leslie calmly walked over to the table and grabbed a piece of Uj. Hunched over she stepped into a shadowy corner of the kitchenette.

"Oh fine don't believe me. Just wait one day it'll happen to you and then it'll be too late. And I'll laugh because I warned you!" She trailed off and let out a maniacal sounding cackle.

Mission leaned into the table. "I think she has finally gone around the bend."

From her corner Leslie muttered, "Fine think I'm crazy. But I know, oh do I know what will happen..."

Flouncing into the area, Bastila wrinkled her nose at Cary's baking.

"By the Force! What is that? It looks and smells awful! As leader of this mission I order you to get it off the ship right this minuet!"

Turning to face the uppity Jedi, Cary wagged her finger condescendingly. "Nuh uh. My Uj cake."

Bastila wasn't paying attention to what Cary was saying but to what she was wearing.

"By the Force! You've turned to the dark side! That is why you are all eating this, this MONSTROUSITY!"

Glasses on, Leslie got out of her shadowy corner. "Well I gave her that apron last Christmas."

The Jedi whipped around to face the blonde. "WHAT?! And we have been teaching you to use the Force. Wait until the Masters hear about this!"

And with that she stormed out of the Ebon Hawk, past a confused Canderous.

The Mandalorian walked slowly to the kitchenette, following his nose. Popping his head through the doorway, his face lit up as he asked, "Uj cake?"

Cary smiled at him pleasantly, and he stepped cautiously forward into the room. Turning away from him, the apron-clad woman took a clean plate out of the cabinet. Moving to the baking pan, she transferred the last piece of the moist cake to the dish and proceeded to ladle a generous amount of the thick, orange syrup over it. Moseying on over to Canderous, she held the plate out in front of her.

Inhaling the sweet scent, the man reached out for the traditional Mandalorian delicacy. Then, Car'ika spoke the words that crushed the hardened warrior's hopes.

"No Uj cake for you."

And with that, she sauntered past him out of the room, taking the Uj cake with her.

"Ouch."

Canderous turned around and saw Carth leaning in the other doorway of the now empty kitchenette.

"What do you want Republic?"

Walking into the room Carth said, "Canderous, take a seat. I'm going to give you some advice."

Crossing his well-muscled arms, he stated gruffly, "I don't need advice from a pansy-ass Republic."

Ignoring the comment Carth, pulled out a chair and sat down, straddling it.

"Whether you think you need my advice or not, you're going to get it. Now, when a man and a woman love each other, this leads to certain, feelings to arise-"

"Dammit Onasi! I don't need you to talk to me about sex!" Canderous exclaimed in an irritated voice.

Carth shook his head.

"Don't jump to conclusions. I'm talking about jealousy. I've been married before Ordo and by the way Cary was treating you, she was jealous and is now extremely angry with you. And to get your Uj cake you need to apologize. Preferably with a gift of some sort."

Canderous opened his mouth to say something but Carth cut him off.

"Before you ask, I can't tell you what to get her, every woman is different."

Canderous took a seat at the table.

"Now, Canderous I have one last thing to tell you. This piece of advice has been passed down through the generations of male Onasies; women don't know what they want, all they know is that they want it now."

A call could be heard from across the Hawk, "Carth! Can you come and help me get my armor off? It's stuck!"

Smiling, Carth got up from his place at the table. "See Canderous, if you keep your girl happy, she'll make you happy."

And with that, Carth walked out of the room.

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A/N: So there it is, Chapter Elven. Finally. Just an additional disclaimer, pretty well the entire first portion of the chapter was based off (a phrase here which means lovingly ripped off of) Monty Python's How Not To Be Seen. Please don't hunt us down, we don't own Monty Python.

- Chapter Elven : Leslie had another typo. See the Seventh Vhapter

- Shiny green gym shorts and a white t-shirt : Whenever Leslie does physical activity wearing her white t-shirt, she gets rained on

- Leslie being thoroughly soaked : See above

- Venez au côté obscur: Nous avons des biscuits : French for "Come to the Darkside: We have cookies."

- Perfect timing : Cary has perfect timing, completely by accident

- I-Am-NOT-Amused face : Amanda's I-Am-NOT-Amused face is the best we've ever seen. Siriusly

- Maniacal sounding cackle : Leslie does that. It's kinda creepy.

- "Women don't know what they want, all they know is that they want it now." : An amazing line from a school play.