AN: I'm sorry that I haven't been posting the last few days. RL has been overwhelming me. And my muse has been a b**ch. I have been rewriting this over and over and she wouldn't let me move on until I got it. But I think I'm back! So hopefully writing over the weekend and updating more quickly.

WARNING: this is high angst, with an eventual Babe HEA…
Disclaimer: Story told from Stephanie's POV. I own nothing, just playing with JE's world. Spoilers for the 'Wicked' books as well.

Chapter 11

Somehow I had managed to make it through the rest of the day. I had picked up the car and delivered it to Diesel and Lizzy. Lizzy had given me my cupcakes, and I had managed to drive the damaged car back to Boston.

Maybe my past experiences with burnt, bombed cars or apartments, and god-knows-what-covered skips had inured me, but I barely noticed the smell. I thought it was more likely that my constant internal chant of "he didn't see me, he couldn't recognise me" had blocked my other senses to the hideous assault of the odour.

When I dropped it off at the dealer, he had started dry-retching. I think he had a new respect for me, since he knew I had driven it all the way back from Salem with that god-awful smell. As I left, he was looking at the car like he was considering just pushing it off the nearest bridge.

The rest of the day had passed in a fog of dazed confusion. Memories of Ranger swirled through my mind. Memories of so many times together, ordinary times, exciting times, dangerous times, stressful times, times of pain, times of sorrow, erotic, sensual times… They formed a miasma of brain-clogging turmoil that seemed to block other thoughts or maybe just blocked my ability to form coherent thoughts.

At around 9.30 at night, I had looked over at the cupcake boxes on my kitchen counter and realised I hadn't eaten any of them. That had to be a first for me. I walked over to them and lifted the lid. The smell of pineapple and cake assaulted my senses, and for the first time in more than six months, I had broken down in sobs for the memories of what I had lost, what I had left behind, before crying myself to sleep. I had slept through until after 7am this morning.

Diesel had given me a funny look yesterday when I was dropping off the car, but he hadn't said anything. When I woke up this morning, there was a note on my pillow that said, Call me if you need to talk. D. I didn't know how he knew something had happened, but I doubted I was that hard to read, particularly for someone of Diesel's talents. He could probably see through the confused, chaotic thoughts in my head more clearly than I could.

I stumbled out of bed, and stood under a hot shower for half an hour. I wrapped myself in a warm dressing gown, and ambled into the kitchen. My crying jag had left me feeling a little hungover, so the only clear thought I had for today was to eat cupcakes for breakfast. Hey, there was fruit, and peanut butter, that's part of a normal breakfast right?

I toyed with calling my therapist, Janice. Seeing Ranger so suddenly had thrown me back to the whirlpool of grief and self-condemnation I had been in last year. I felt like I needed help in dealing with the memories and thoughts, and despite knowing Diesel would be sympathetic and listen kindly, I didn't think he could help me right now.

When I left Trenton, Diesel had suggested talking to a therapist. He told me he could set me up with one through the BUM; one who could know my real past, and would be safe to talk to. I had resisted for a couple of weeks, but eventually had decided to give it a go. Janice had been amazing. She was an attractive, no-nonsense woman in her late forties, who had been clearly amazed at my stories and background. Given that she was probably an Unmentionable who worked with other Unmentionables, I wasn't sure how to take that she felt my experiences were unusual!

Janice worked in New York, so I tried to set up appointments to see her when I knew I was travelling to New York, but we talked on a secure video chat network at least weekly. Janice told me early on she wanted to try what she called 'systemic therapy' with me, since my relationships seemed to be at the root of my confusion and problems. She had tried to get me to see my relationships from an 'outsider' perspective, describing events like they had happened to someone else. It had been eye-opening to try and describe my relationships from an objective point of view. Over the months, I had recognised a lot of unhealthy patterns that others had seen, and come to understand some of the reasons why I had been stuck in damaging relationships by valuing myself so poorly. And reflecting on how I would cave into the unrealistic and sometimes ridiculous demands of my mother and Joe, even now mad me cringe.

Instead of calling Janice, I decided to try one of the techniques she had taught me for reframing my memories and emotions. One of the things she had helped me develop was a set of what I called 'my four thought guidelines'. So I decided to try writing down what was swirling through my head since I had seen Ranger according to the guidelines.

1. I am responsible for my own actions and emotions.
When I came back from Hawaii, I didn't deal with the fallout, I went to 'denial-land' and then slipped back into my previous pattern with Morelli, instead of asking myself what I really wanted with Ranger – I chose not to tell Ranger what I felt, or try and pursue a relationship with him. I am confused about what I feel for Ranger because I have never had an open conversation with him. I went to Ranger the minute Morelli left town, expecting him to still want me, which was a shitty thing to do. I felt pain and heartbreak for what happened with Morelli and Ranger. I left Trenton – and left everyone behind. I left without speaking to Ranger or anyone at Rangeman. I have not spoken to my family and friends in Trenton.

2. My actions have consequences.
I hurt Ranger with my actions. I am sure I hurt my family and friends by leaving. If I am lonely or miss home, or when anyone back in Trenton is angry with me, these are the consequences of my actions.

3. I am not responsible for the choices or emotions of others.
Ranger chose not to talk to me after Hawaii – when we came back from Hawaii, Ranger chose his own denial of our relationship, and to slip back to avoidance and non-communication with me. Ranger chose not to try and pursue a relationship with me. Ranger chose to leave Trenton. Ranger felt pain for what happened between us. That is his pain, and he chose to deal with it by first avoiding me, and then leaving. Those were his choices.

4. I can only make choices for my future, not the past.
This is my life now. I cannot go back and change what I did with Ranger or anyone else in Trenton. If Ranger comes back into my life, I can choose to talk to him. If he refuses to talk to me, or still blames me, I cannot change that. I can choose to stay. I can choose to go back. I can choose to go somewhere else.

I had sat for nearly an hour, trying to write and think clearly, while I ate four cupcakes – OK, six cupcakes. Sue me, they're amazing cupcakes. I read back over what I had written, and was pleased to feel a sense of relative calm that I better understood where I was right now. I thought Janice would be proud of me.

In my daze yesterday, I had forgotten to buy groceries. I had run out of coffee and bread and other staples, which was why I had hit the café for breakfast yesterday. Although I had had the cupcakes to eat, I still didn't have any coffee, and I was feeling a bit desperate. The sugar had helped the hangover feeling, but I really needed coffee.

I was conscious of the need to maintain my cover if Ranger was anywhere around, so I dressed in some of my most 'hippie' clothes and put a cloche-style hat on, along with my big, round sunglasses, before heading cautiously to my favourite café. I decided to get a coffee to go, before heading to the grocery store to stock up.

I checked the street carefully for black SUVs and Porches, but finding none, I ducked into the café and ordered a coffee. Mandy greeted me cheerfully, and I tried to respond to her light-hearted banter. I slipped away as soon as I could, and headed off to the grocery store.

Ten days later, I was back again in my favourite café, once again enjoying coffee and French toast. My life had slipped back into its usual pattern, and I smiling as I was remembering my art class and second coffee 'date' last night. I really liked some of the people in my class. One of the men, Liam, was a bit older than me, I think in his early forties, and I was pretty sure he liked me. He had seemed to be flirting with me a little last night, in a subtle, tentative way. I was not sure how to respond. On the one hand, I felt good, knowing that someone wanted to spend time with me again, and he seemed like a decent enough guy. On the other, my whole 'secret identity' and my past seemed like it would make dating and relationships really difficult. I sipped my coffee slowly, and let my mind drift over the problem, but couldn't see any answers. I sighed, as I finished off my breakfast in a thoughtful kind of haze, and then gathered my things to leave.

Something felt off. Something was teasing at the edge of my consciousness, like a vague sense of déjà vu.

Finally, I stood to go to the counter to pay, only to find myself facing a wall of black-clad, Bulgari scented muscle. I could feel my hands starting to shake, and the blood drained again from my head. A warm, mocha-latte colored hand came up to grasp my shoulder, probably to steady me, but I shrank from the contact and sat back down, abruptly. I tried to blank my face, as I lifted my eyes towards the face that had haunted my dreams for nine months, or for four years…

I heard a voice say, "Babe", and black dots swam in front of my eyes, and I fought to remain conscious.

AN: Hah! Another cliffhanger. :) Sorry if this is a bit serious for you, but I wanted to convey that Steph/Shell is trying hard to grow and change. Running away from Trenton is not enough, she needs to sort out the mess in her head too! But what about Ranger? Will he blow her cover?