Venom's Quest Special 2: Fusion is the New Black
"Oh boy…" Kaito gasped as he shakily clambered up the MANY steps of the western tower, "…I didn't realize it would be this high up. Maybe I ought to… erp!" he started feeling sick. "NO KAITO!" he shouted to himself, suppressing his gag reflex. "You've gotta stay awesome! Don't… let… the height… get to you!"
Woozily, he clambered up the remaining steps where the epic, amazing, definitely not skippable, guardian of the western tower, Diana, awaited him.
"FACE YOUR DOOM TRAVELLER!" Diana proclaimed, slamming her staff to the ground. "FOR I AM THE UNSTOPPABLE GUARDIAN OF THE EASTERN TOWER!"
Kaito groggily blew her off and started walking towards Ruri's door.
"HEY!" Diana protested, "What the heck man! Don't you be ignoring me! I was promised at least one epic battle in my contract! I did not get myself dressed up in this stupid moon-goddess costume and all covered in this expensive makeup so I could just have my duel skipped like Apollo's!"
Ignoring Diana's pleas, the narrator proceeded to…
"OH NO YOU DON'T, DONJUSTICIA! I AM SERIOUS RIGHT NOW! YOU SIT DOWN AT YOUR COMPUTER AND START TYPING UP MY DUEL RIGHT NOW!"
Diana summoned a stupid monster, got it blown up, and lost.
"SERIOUSLY!?"
Exasperated, the narrator decided to take some time out of his busy schedule, and give some screen time to a stupid character and a stupid duel none of the fans really cared about.
"THANK YOU!" Said Diana, who's only in this story because I thought I could just make her a quick gag rather than the freaking focal point of the plot.
"It's time for our epic battle!" Kaito proclaimed, sounding quite awesome despite being quite nauseous.
"All right, now this is more like it!" Diana grinned, readying her opening hand. "I first activate the obligatory Fusion Magic Card, and use it to fuse two nostalgia monsters together to create something everyone could have seen coming a mile away just by looking at my name and how I dressed! YUUGO SHOKAN! Come Forth! A monster worthy of an episodic antagonist! Generic Moon Guardian Monster Thingy!"
Because Donjusticia knew Diana would throw a temper tantrum if he didn't describe the monster in excruciating detail, here you guys go. From the top of the monster's head, to the bottom of the monster's toes, the monster was dripping, nay… oozing with visual, tactile, olfactory, gustatory, and auditory imagery! Its face was detailed to the extreme, with details here, and details there, and all kinds of other details that wowed the senses of the beholder. Its clothing was rich in artistic attention, with elegant designs and patterns that even the greatest seamstresses could never have envisioned! Its voice was simply… indescribable! Seriously, you just have to trust me… this monster was… utterly… mind-blowingly impressive! It was a monster of unspeakably great beauty, impossible to describe power, and untold amazingness! HAPPY NOW DIANA!?
"Sorry, wasn't paying attention, but I do appreciate the level of detail you must have put in the description." Diana replied, completely disregarding the sacredness of the fourth wall. "So anyway… I'll now set a card and use my amazing monster's effect to summon a really cool shield protector token!"
See above two paragraphs for a description of this… ahem… REALLY INTERESTING… token monster.
"Now then!" Diana called to Kaito, "Let us begin our epic battle!"
"Oh boy…" Kaito groaned, looking down the tower. From its dizzying heights, he could just barely make out the grounds of the distant castle, with tiny people moving about like ants. As he gazed down at the ground, a sense of vertigo kicked in, causing Kaito to stagger like a drunken man, nearly falling off the edge as he did.
"Are you alright?" Diana asked.
Unable to handle himself anymore, Kaito keeled over and started vomiting his guts out.
"What!? Ewwww… gross! What the heck man!?" Diana shrieked, looking completely disgusted. Putting away her Duel Disk she started walking away.
"Forget it!" she hollered, "I'm not putting up with this! Go ahead and save Ruri for all I care! I've got better things to do! There's a 'Sailor Moon' special episode staring yours truly, and I'm gonna…!"
The rest of her speech was cut off as she tripped over her ridiculously long robe, fell flat on her face, and was knocked out from the impact, conveniently resolving this uneventful plotline.
When Kaito had finished vomiting, he looked around to make sure nobody had been watching.
"Uhm…" he checked over his shoulders, "AND NOW, I KAITO…" he called out in an exaggerated epic voice, "…DO SMITE THEE VILE GUARDIAN! FEEL THE WRATH OF MY GALAXY EYES… no, I can do better… MY TWO GALAXY EYES CIPHER DRAGONS!" He started making dragon roar and explosion noises. "OH NO! HELP ME!" he called in a bad imitation of Diana's voice, "KAITO'S JUST TOO STRONG! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! KABLOOIE! ZERO LIFE POINTS! KAITO WINS! YEAH!" he looked around just to make sure he hadn't ended up embarrassing himself before taking a few breath mints to cover up his accident and walking into Ruri's bedroom.
The inside of Ruri's bedroom was… interesting.
Black curtains with images of blood-red eyes had been draped over the windows. On the walls and floor, crimson inverted pentagrams had been painted into the stone with a red substance. In the center of several of these paintings, tiny voodoo dolls of Shun, Sayaka, Kaito, Yuto, and several other Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V characters rested on the ground with needles sticking out of them. Several broken bird cages with strangled birds inside were stacked haphazardly on top of a sacrificial altar in a jumbled pile of agony and nightmare fuel. Over her bed, a poster of Don Thousand had been hung up with the inscription, "OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!" scrawled over the face in white chalk. In the background, Kaito could hear Ruri, humming the French song, "Alouette," while the theme song from "Dead Silence," tinkled away on a music box.
Ruri: Little sky lark…
Gentle little sky lark…
Little sky lark…
I… will… pluck… your… head!
Kaito heard the sound of a kitchen knife slamming down on… something, before Ruri gave out a little giggle and walked into the room. Noticing Kaito standing outside her doorway, she suddenly stopped and stared at him. With a flash of recognition coming over her face, her eyes started widening while her lips slowly curled into an immense grin.
"Oh hello… Kaito-Kun." She dreamily called, slowly approaching Kaito, "I didn't expect my… friends… to be visiting me so soon!"
"Uhm… hi Ruri?" Kaito replied, glancing around the crazy mess in her room. "I uh… sorry it took so long to save you… uhm… sounds like you were… pretty lonely here…"
"Oh don't worry about it… Kaito-Kun!" Ruri giggled. "I had LOT'S of friends in my head… and they would visit me EVERY DAY."
"In your head?" Kaito asked, wondering if he had somehow come to the wrong tower.
"Oh yes!" Ruri enthusiastically agreed, "Here! Let me show you!" she started running to the back of the room, pushing aside a bubbling caldron of musty green liquid and a black Grimoire with the title, "How to Punish your Enemies… and Brothers" before picking up a dusty box. Blowing off a few cobwebs, she strolled over to Kaito and presented it to him.
"Go on… look!" Ruri encouraged, an eager expression coming over her face.
Kaito slowly lifted the lid off the box and almost gagged again when he saw what was inside. Stinking with the stench of rotting insects, a pile of dozens of dead brain parasites filled the box to the brim. Suddenly, from the depths of the gruesome pile, a lone brain parasite managed to pull itself to the top of the pile, before weakly reaching out to Kaito with its little legs.
"Please…" it begged, "…help me! I need… nourishment! There's nothing in…" it started gasping with the effort to speak, "…her brain! It's all just… junk… about weird Dark Signer and Yandere alternate versions of herself… and… crazy thoughts! Please help me man! It doesn't have to be much! Just a little memory in your brain… a little piece of rational thought… anything! PLEASE!"
"And that one's Laramie…" said Ruri pointing to each individual brain parasite, "…and that one's Susan, and she's Emily Bridgett, and that's Uncle Vinnie, and Auntie Tessa, and Granny Niblets, and cousin Billy, and then we have, Veronica, Chad, Carter, Bridget, Ashley, Carl, Kazuki Takahashi, and my favorite one…" she picked up the brain parasite that was nearly dead, "…Shun Junior!" In her firm grip, the poor little parasite's eyes bugged out (no pun intended) before the miserable creature let out one final gasp and died.
MEANWHILE!
"So basically you're telling me you haven't gotten the brain parasites to work for either Rin or Ruri!?" Akaba Leo angrily ranted at The Doctor.
"We kept trying!" The Doctor protested, "But Rin's parasites would just explode when they tried to feed on her intense rage and Ruri's just too gosh darn crazy! The brain parasites just ended up starving whenever they attempted to suck on her thoughts!"
"What about Selena?" Leo snarled, "Don't tell me you haven't managed to control her either!"
"AAAAH HA HA HA HA HA!" Came Selena's maniacal laughing in the background. "YOU FOOLS THINK YOU CAN CONTROL MY UNPARALLELED EVIL MIGHT!? I'M A STRONG INDEPENDENT FEMALE DUELIST WHO DON'T NEED NO BRAIN PARASITE MAN!"
"Uhm…" The Doctor nervously replied, "…she's been… interesting."
LATER!
Ruri smiled at Kaito when she had finished showing him her collection of impaled insects, frogs, mice, squirrels, cats, dogs, skunks, raccoons, and giraffes. "So how have you been doing lately?" she asked with an innocent smile on her face.
"I uh…" Kaito had no idea what to say to Shun's obviously crazy sister so he started to slowly back away and reach for the door-handle. "I just remembered that I uh… have to get something… away from here!" he grabbed at the door handle and attempted to pull the door open, but Ruri grabbed his arm and slammed her body against his.
"Oh but you can't leave yet!" Ruri whined, putting on a pair of oven mitts, which had a number of suspicious red stains on the ends. Reaching out to the side, she grabbed a baking pan, which was resting over a stack of jars with preserved newt eyes and other animal organs, and presented it to Kaito with a cheerful smile on her face. On the pan were a number of cookies shaped eerily like certain people Ruri knew, such as Shun, Yuto, Sayaka, and… Kaito. The frosting face of each cookie was contorted in pain and a toothpick was sticking out of each of their chests, which were oozing with red jelly. Twisting around the toothpick in cookie Kaito's chest to deepen it a little bit, she slowly lifted the cookie to Kaito's mouth, eyes widening with excitement as she did.
"Now open real wide Kaito-Kun." Ruri instructed, left eye twitching rapidly. "You don't want to offend me now… do you?"
"Uhm…" Kaito stammered, trying to reach for the door handle. "…has uh… has Academia done anything… uh… anything weird to you while you've been here?"
Ruri eyed him for an uncomfortably long time, not removing her body from his. If anything, she started to press against him with even more force.
"You know… Kaito-Kun." She droned, leaning her face towards his until their noses were touching. "I had a cute little kitty once… and he had…" she pointed to Kaito's hair, "…yellow fur, with little bluish-green patches on the head. He was a very good kitty… but he got… curious one day." She leaned her forehead against Kaito's, eyeing him menacingly. "Do you know what happened to the cute little kitty?"
"He got lots of hugs and kisses?" Kaito nervously replied, trying to free his arm so he could grab the door handle.
"He went away on a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong trip…" Ruri replied, pressing her body even more tightly against Kaito, "… and he never… ever… ever… ever… ever… came back."
Kaito managed to free his arm enough to grab the doorknob. Slowly rotating it, he began slowly opening the door before backing away from Ruri. Ruri did nothing to stop him, but instead kept taking a step forward for every step Kaito took backwards.
"Do you know what the cute little kitty's name was?" Ruri asked, pressing forward, eyes widening, grin deepening, and ticks ticking more rapidly.
"Mittens?" Kaito nervously squeaked, pretty sure he knew where the story was going.
"It's started with a 'K.'" Ruri prompted.
"Karl?" Kaito timidly guessed.
"And ended with an 'O.'" Ruri continued, dropping the cookie pan to the ground before taking a step forward, smashing the Kaito cookie with her boot as she did. Kaito kept backing further and further away, feeling dizzier as his fear of heights and Ruri increased.
"I… I don't know what its name was." Kaito panted, feeling sweat bead on his forehead.
"But you do know!" Ruri hissed, eyes narrowing, "You've always known! From the day you were born you have known!"
"Kookoo?" Kaito gulped.
Ruri nodded her head, backing Kaito up to the edge of the tower. "It was kookoo." She whispered into Kaito's ear, "VERY kookoo. And its name was Kaito."
Kaito fainted, falling off the tower as he did.
…
"RAIDRAPTOR RISE FALCON!" Shun epically called, "SOCK CONTINUITY IN THE FACE AND SAVE KAITO THROUGH THE POWER OF SHEER DEUS EX MACHINA PLOT CONVENIENCE!"
Arriving just in the nick of time through the power of sheer Deus Ex Machina plot convenience, Raidraptor Rise Falcon soared through the air and caught Kaito on its back just as he was about to splatter on the stony ground.
Shun walked over to Kaito, shaking his head with immense disapproval.
"I told them!" he said to nobody in particular. "I told them this would happen! Step aside Kaito!" he said, shoving Kaito off to the side, "The real hero of this series will now take care of things!"
"Shun! There's something you should know!" Kaito desperately tried to warn Ruri's brother.
"Not listening to you!" Shun replied, sticking his fingers in his ears, "LA LA LA LA LA! I'M TOTALLY GONNA SAVE MY SISTER! LA LA LA LA LA! SHE'S TOTALLY NOT EVIL! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! I'M GONNA CHARGE UP THESE STEPS AND IGNORE YOU! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
Kaito watched helplessly as Shun charged up the winding steps of the tower. With nothing else to do, he decided to kill time with Edo Phoenix who was also there… apparently.
"Sooo… how has your day been going?" Kaito asked the (formerly) ruthless Fusion Commander-In-Chief.
"It's been great!" Edo enthused. "You know… I used to be a heartless warmonger who carded Xyz civilians on sight, but now I'm totally a nice guy who wants to do nothing but plant flowers, save kittens, give little kisses to babies, and rebuild the Xyz Dimension from the ground up!"
"Wow." Said Kaito, gawking at Edo with incredulity. "It almost sounds like it's TOO convenient of a personality change."
"Ya got that right, mate!" Destiny Hero Dystopiaguy replied from within his card. "It's been a right head-knocker tryin' to figure out 'ow Edo changed 'is philosophies so quickly! In me personal opinion, I think 'e was just sore after losin' to Yuya, and so 'e pretended to experience a right change o' 'eart so 'e could spare 'imself any more 'umiliation!"
"Blimey mate, I never though' o' that!" Destiny Hero Dynamiteguy boomed from within his own card. "OI EDO!" he loudly called, "IS IT TRUE YOU'RE ON'Y REBUILDIN' THE BLOODY XYZ DIMENSION 'CAUSE YA CAN' BEAT YUYA IN A BLOODY DUEL!?"
"Not now Dynamiteguy!" Edo snarled, stuffing his cards deeper into his pockets. He looked back at Kaito, plastering on a fake-looking smile as he did, "So are you gonna help Shun out?"
"I'm sure he'll be fine." Kaito replied, not too eager to go up there again.
"I'm coming for your Ruri!" Shun called, charging up step after step, "I'm running all the way up these stairs… all the way up them… still running up these steps… running running running… up these steps… still going up these steps… and there are more steps… yep… I'm almost 5% of the way there... I'm not running out of gas… there is… no amount… of stairs… that could keep me… away from you…" they started to hear him slow down, "…boy… but there sure are… sure… are… a lot… of stairs… uhm… I'll be right with you Ruri… I just gotta… gotta… HOW LONG DOES THIS KEEP GOING!?
"On second thought..." Kaito groaned, "…I guess I'd better make sure he's okay."
1,324,735,945,821 STEPS LATER!
"So… many… steps…" Shun gasped, nearly passing out as he staggered up the last three steps. "…probably should have… just summoned… Rise Falcon… and flown… up here… why… was I… SO STUPID!" he passed out once he got to the top.
"Onii-Chan?" he suddenly heard Ruri call.
"Oh hey sis…" Shun groaned, slowly peeling himself off the top of the tower, "…I'll be with you in a second… just gotta… catch my breath… whoo… never thought… I'd be done in… like this!"
"It is you!" Ruri gasped with excitement, clapping her hands together. "Come here Onii-Chan! Come and give your sweet little sister a great… big… spine cracking… death inducing… HUG!"
"Sure sis… just a sec." Shun replied, smiling like an idiot as he approached his sister, arms spread out wide.
"WAIT!" Kaito called, running up the steps before suddenly gagging when he saw how high up he was. Hastily choking down his bile, he clutched at his chest and resumed speaking, "She's crazy Shun! You can't trust her!"
"Now Kaito!" Shun scolded, embracing his sister while she pulled a kitchen knife from her pocket. "You're ruining the moment! I am pretty sure I would know if my sister was a raving lunatic."
"Yes… Shun…" Ruri agreed, "…you know I'm not crazy…" she started laughing maniacally, before nuzzling her head into her brother's chest, "… and now… we can be together… FOREVER!"
She yanked her arms forward, getting ready to plunge the knife into Shun's back, when Shun suddenly caught the kitchen knife in his hands and pulled it out of her grip.
"Now, now, now…" Shun reprimanded, "…what do I keep telling you, Ruri? No holding sharp objects without your brother's permission."
"Oh… sorry Onii-Chan." Ruri giggled, "I guess my hand must have slipped. Wanna see my collection of torture equipment?"
"Why not?" Shun laughed, playfully ruffling up his little sister's hair with his hand.
"SHUN!" Kaito hollered, "SHE'S NOT WANTING TO BOND WITH YOU! SHE'S CRAZY!"
"Relax Kaito." Shun snapped. "This is Ruri we're talking about. She couldn't hurt a fly."
"Or elephants." Ruri agreed, "Or those two Obelisk guards who got too close for their own good!"
"SHE TRIED TO STAB YOU WITH A KNIFE!" Kaito protested.
"Look, I've dealt with this all the time." Shun replied, blowing off Kaito's comment with a wave of his hand, "She just gets cranky when she hasn't had her milk bottle and binky." He patted Ruri on the back before taking her hand and leading her towards the steps. "Now come along Ruri, we're going to go home now, and I'm going to read you your favorite bedtime story before tucking you into bed."
Ruri held back against Shun's grip. "No brother dearest!" she insisted, "It's not time yet! Not time yet at all! There still much that must be done!"
"What has to be done?" Shun asked, looking confused.
"Have you ever heard of our lord and savior, Don Thousand Sama?" Ruri asked, a dreamy look coming over her face as her pink eyes glazed over with madness.
"Uhhhhh…"
"He's been speaking to me…" Ruri continued, advancing on her brother, "…calling me by name! He tells me to do things… evil things! And I must do as he says! Don Thousand Sama must be appeased!"
Shun suddenly started to notice that something looked just a little off with his sister. "Uhm… Ruri… are you…?"
"Give your life to Don Thousand Sama!" Ruri insisted, crawling towards her brother on all fours, "MAAAAAAAAAAAAKE… UUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS… WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Her eyes and mouth started glowing with white light as she hissed out the last three words.
Shun looked over at Kaito who glared at him with a "SEE!? I TOLD YOU SO!" look.
"Okay…" Shun mumbled, clapping his hands together, "…I think I see what you were talking about, Kaito. Maybe I've gotta… intervene… before she gets TOO crazy."
"Oh but I'm only crazy on Mondays!" Ruri protested, getting back onto her feet. "Then I let my other personalities take over!"
"Other… personalities?" Shun stammered.
"Look… I've got a calendar right here!" Ruri explained, pulling a crumpled up calendar from her pocket and presenting it to her brother. Over each day of the month, there was a label showing which personality would "take over" for that day.
"Okay…" she continued, pointing to each day of the week, "…so Tuesday is Yandere Ruri and Wednesday is perfectly normal submissive little sister Ruri. Thursday is edgy and rebellious Ruri, Friday is naïve magical girl Ruri, Saturday is Dark Signer Ruri, and Sunday is when we all get together at the same time." She smiled at her brother before folding up the chart and stuffing it into her pocket.
"And uh… what about today?" Shun asked, noticing that she left out Monday.
"Oh…" Ruri sighed, waving her hand in a so-so gesture, "…that depends…"
"Depends on what?" Shun pressed.
"On what Don Thousand Sama demands!" Ruri smiled insanely before throwing back her head and letting out the most anime-cliché lunatic laugh in the history of Yu-Gi-Oh.
"Yep…" Shun sighed, "…I'm definitely not putting up with this nonsense anymore. TIME TO DUEL!"
"Will you submit to Don Thousand Sama's demands if I win!?" Ruri giggled, pulling out her Duel Disk.
"Sure… whatever." Shun replied, "But if I win, you have to give me a big hug, a widdle kiss on the cheek, and do exactly as your big brubber says for the west of your widdle life!"
"SHUN! DON'T AGREE TO WHAT SHE SAYS!" Kaito protested.
"Oh come on!" Shun laughed. "She lost to Sayaka! There's no way she could beat me!"
Ruri's left eye angrily twitched. "What did you say… Onii-Chan?"
"Oh just that your win record is frankly abysmal." Shun laughed, "I mean… you lost to Sayaka, who played freakin Fairy Cheer Girl, Yuri, Yuto, and of course, to me. SO… I'd probably just surrender right now and give me that big hug and kiss like you promised."
Ruri no longer looked amused.
"Hold on a sec…" she replied, "…I'm switching to Thursday's schedule."
Her face suddenly contorted with pain and her arms and legs twisted in weird angles. With a final, agitated gasp, she suddenly covered up her face with her hands before removing them and revealing a new Ruri with edgy black make-up over her eyes and mouth and a very angry expression on her face.
"AAAAAAAAW YEAH!" she bellowed, styling her hair into a large Mohawk, "Rebellious and edgy Ruri is back in business! And I aint takin no more from you!" ripping off her left sleeve, she pulled out an ink needle and gave herself a bird tattoo on her upper arm.
"OH YEAH!" she roared, violently throwing the needle onto the ground, "THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! FEEL THE PAIN! LOVE THE PAIN! I'VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE! WHOO!"
"What the…?" Shun gawked.
"You gonna stand 'round talkin' smack like a fool, fool?" Ruri taunted, sticking her tongue out at her brother. Pulling out an air-gun, she punched a ring into her tongue, lip, cheek, and right eyebrow. "WHOO!" she screamed, feeling the adrenaline rush, "I AM SO FREAKING HIGH ON SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!"
"What in the name of the Egyptian Gods is happening to you!" Shun yelped, unable to believe that this raving adrenaline junkie was the sweet little girl he had raised since her birth.
"YOU GONNA PLAY, FOOL!?" Ruri taunted, "OH WE GONNA JUST HAVE TO LET ME TAKE THE FIRST TURN 'CAUSE SHUN'S A CHICKEN!"
"I am not…" Shun snarled.
"BOCK BOCK BOCK! CHICKEN CHICKEN!" Ruri taunted, flapping her arms like a chicken.
"Fine!" Shun snarled. "Since I can't reason with you like a normal obsessive older brother, then I guess I'll just have to discipline you with my monsters! I play well below my usual skill level by summoning only two birdies and using them to make Rise Falcon before setting down a face-down and ending my turn!"
Kaito nervously coughed at Shun's lame opening move.
"YOU THINK YO' SOMETHIN' OLD MAN!" Ruri sneered, "'CAUSE YOU AINT NOTHIN'! I SUMMON COBALT SPARROW!"
A cute little humanoid birdie wearing a hoodie flapped onto Ruri's field. Glancing nervously around, it suddenly looked at Ruri before opening its mouth and tweeting, "I taught I taw a putty tat!"
"Boo!" Kaito called, "lame reference!"
"WELL I AINT DONE!" Ruri proclaimed, sagging her pants and ripping off the midriff of her shirt just to tick Shun off. "I NEXT USE MY BIRDY'S EFFECT TO SUMMON 39 MORE BIRDIES FROM MY DECK BEFORE OVERLAYING THEM ALL INTO ANOTHER BIRDY!" She dumped the contents of her deck onto her duel disk before slapping an Xyz Monster on top of them.
"Its effect doesn't let you do that!" Shun snarled.
"IT MIGHT AS WELL!" Ruri sneered, pouring some purple and green hair dye into her hair. "AND NOW MY MONSTER'S EFFECT ACTIVATES! CHECK THIS OUT DAWG, CAUSE THIS IS AWESOME! NOT ONLY DOES MY WINGED-BEAST TYPE XYZ MONSTER HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF OVERLAY UNITS, BUT IT GAINS 100 ATTACK POWER FOR EACH OF THOSE OVERLAY UNITS!"
THE CREATOR OF "SIGNS OF RENEWAL" WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO FILE A COMPLAINT TO NIHON AD SYSTEMS AND KONAMI FOR SHAMELESSLY COPYING HIS ORIGINAL IDEA FOR DARK SIGNER RURI'S SALVATION SERAPHIM BRAVE CRUSADER! COME ON GUYS! STOP PLAGARIZING ME!
"AND NOW TO WIPE THE FLOOR WITH YOU, OLD MAN!" Ruri roared, pulling out an i-phone and playing some obnoxious rap-music. "SHOW THAT OLD FART HE AINT THE BOSS OF US, LYRICAL LUSCINIA ASSEMBLE ALL THE HOMIES TOGETHER NIGHTINGALE!"
"Here's what I think of you!" Assemble Nightingale angrily chirped, before continuously slapping at Shun's Life Points with a bunch of wimpy girly slaps.
"Ok… stop… stop it!" Shun snarled, as Assemble Nightingale kept smacking her feathery arms into his face. "You're not… hurting me… your just… getting… ANNOYING!" He spat out a few feathers before Assemble Nightingale finally stuck her tongue out at him and flew back over to Ruri's field, folding her arms and looking away from Shun with a defiant, "Humph!"
"Ok Ruri!" Shun growled, "You've officially ticked me off! No more mister nice guy! I'm putting my foot down!"
"BRING IT ON YOU OLD FOSSIL!" Ruri taunted. "I AINT MESSIN' AROUND NO MORE, PLAYER! YOU DON'T OWN ME NO MORE!"
"YES I DO!" Shun snarled, "I'VE GOT THE BILL OF SALE RIGHT HERE!" he pulled out a slip of paper showing that he, Shun, had rightfully bought the rights to ownership of his sister, Ruri.
"THAT DON'T MEAN NOTHIN NO MORE!" Ruri laughed, "I'M A GANGSTA GIRL NOW, YA HEAR! I AINT FOLLOWIN' YO' RULES NO MORE! I'M HERE TO SMACK DOWN PEEPS IN DUELS AND CHEW BUBBLE GUM, AND I'M ALL OUTTA GUM!"
"Ooh… you did it now girl!" Shun growled, "I activate Rank-Up-Magic Parental Discipline Force, in order to beef up my falcon into Raidraptor I Aint Takin no More of Yo' Sass Blaze Falcon!"
"Brawck!" Shun's new Xyz Monster called out to Assemble Nightingale when it landed to the field, which roughly translates to: "This is the last straw Young Lady! Now you go to the graveyard for a time-out while your mother and I figure out a more appropriate punishment!"
"You're not the boss of me… DAD!" Assemble Nightingale countered, stamping her feet on the ground with petulant anger.
BRAWCK! ("Oh… you're gonna get it now, Young Lady! Because I'm gonna blast you with my special ability!")
"Well I'm just gonna use my Special Ability to ignore you!" Assemble Nightingale retorted, detaching an overlay unit so Shun's monster could talk to the hand.
BRAWCK! ("Don't you ignore me little lady! I brought you into this world, and that gives me the right to tell you how to live the rest of your life, who you'll marry, and how you'll die!")
"I don't have to take this from you!" Assemble Nightingale hollered, walking up to edgy Ruri and slapping Parasite Fusioner onto her Duel Disk. Immediately, her nasty bug boyfriend, Parasite Fusioner, waltzed over onto the field before wrapping one of his bug arms around her like a pig.
"AW YEAH!" Ruri cheered, "YOU SHOW THAT OLD BIRD WHO'S BOSS!"
BRAWCK BRAWCK BRAWCK! ("Young lady, you tell me what's going on right now! Who is this boy your with!?")
"He's my friend… Dad!" Assemble Nightingale sneered, "And we love each other for real!"
BRAWCK BRAWCK! ("What is this heresy you're spewing from those dirty lips!")
"Come on… chill out old man!" Parasite Fusioner buzzed, sounding like he was drunk. "I may not have a job… or an education… but old Gale here and I…" he wrapped another arm around her shoulder, "…we like… we go like… way back… or whatever."
"And we're gonna get married!" Assemble Nightingale added, enjoying Blaze Falcon's growing outrage, "I'm gonna become a Fusion Monster and we're gonna have lots of Fusion Monster babies together!"
BRAWCK SQUAWCK AWCK! ("I will not tolerate this in my household, young lady! You will stop seeing that boy right now, and marry a respectable bird man like Castel the Skyblaster Musketeer!")
"But daddy I love him!" Assemble Nightingale sobbed.
AWCK! ("No buts! Now go to your room and stay there so we can arrange your marriage for you!")
"Oh yeah!" Assemble Nightingale chirped, "Well guess what old man!? We're eloping!"
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWCK!? ("WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?"
"AW YEAH!" Ruri whooped, "THAT'S RIGHT! I FUSE MY REBELLIOUS NIGHTINGALE WITH HER TOTALLY RAD BOYFRIEND SO THEY CAN TOTALLY STICK IT TO THE OLD MAN! YUUGO SHOKAN BABY! ROLL THROUGH THE CHEAP DRIVE-THROUGH WEDDING LANE WITH PRIDE! LYRICAL LUSCINIA TOTALLY FREE-SPIRITED INDEPENDENT CAUSE SHE AINT IN NEED OF NO DADDY NIGHTINGALE!"
Parasite Fusioner put on a cheap bowtie while still staying in his casual clothes (which in his case was no clothes at all) before Assemble Nightingale flapped over to him and gave him a big kiss, looking at Blaze Falcon with a "Watcha gonna do about it?" look. Swirling together into the fusion portal, Assemble Nightingale came out looking even edgier and more rebellious as Parasite Fusioner snuggled up against her chest like a sick pervert.
"Aww yeah man…" Parasite Fusioner mumbled, still sounding completely drunk, "…I like… finally get to do this…" he wrapped his arms around her chest.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! ("SWEET CREATOR GOD OF LIGHT HORAKHTY! WHAT DID YOU DO!? DID YOU DYE YOUR FEATHERS FUSION!? AND WHAT'S THAT BOY DOING HUGGING YOUR CHEST!?")
"AW YEAH!" Independent Nightingale cheered, "SUCK IT OLD MAN! I'M NOT IN YOUR CUSTODY ANY MORE! I CAN DO WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT… WITH MY… HUSBAND!"
BRAWCK BRRRRRRRAWCK! ("NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT! I DON'T CARE IF I GET ARRESTED FOR THIS! YOU ARE LEAVING THAT MAN AND COMING HOME YOUNG LADY! I EVOLVE MYSELF INTO A SLIGHTLY BIGGER VERSION OF ME THAT WIELDS THE EQUIVALENT OF DUEL SHOTGUNS! AND I'M GONNA USE THOSE SHOTGUNS TO COMMIT FIRST DEGREE MURDER BY BLASTING THE HEAD OFF THAT STUPID BUG PARASITE THING! NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DAUGHTER!")
Parasite Fusioner looked a little nervous as Blaze Falcon began upgrading his metal bird body through sheer parental fury.
"Uhm… didn't I help out with this in canon?" Little Fairy timidly squeaked.
The narrator kindly reminded Little Fairy that despite the message that Yu-Gi-Oh Arc V was trying to shove down our throats, serious players like myself would always understand that Little Fairy frankly sucked and should not be played seriously in any deck.
Mega Ultra Angry Going to Jail Parental Falcon readied his shotguns.
"Send that disgusting daughter-snatching bug to his grave!" Shun ordered.
"OH YEAH!" edgy Ruri laughed, "WELL I DON'T THINK SO! CAUSE I'M TOTALLY GONNA WIN THIS DUEL BY…"
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" One of Ruri's alternate personalities, Kind and Submissive Ruri, called out, grabbing Edgy Ruri's arm before she could activate Parasite Fusioner's effect.
"LET GO OF ME!" Edgy Ruri snarled.
"I WON'T LET YOU BREAK OUR DEAR BROTHER'S HEART ANYMORE!" Kind and Submissive Ruri wept, "I'LL HOLD YOUR ARM UNTIL…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Another alternate Ruri, Crazy Ruri, protested, grabbing Kind and Submissive Ruri's arm. "If we don't kill Shun now, Don Thousand Sama will not be pleased! We have to…"
"DON'T DO IT!" another Ruri, Yandere Ruri, countered, grabbing Crazy Ruri's arm. "If we let Shun win, then I'll finally find Yuto… and we'll live together… forever… and ever… and ever… and ever… and…"
"STOP IT!" Magical Girl Ruri ordered, grabbing Yandere Ruri by the arm.
"OH COME ON!" Edgy Ruri groaned, getting exasperated. "HOW MANY OF MY ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES AM I GONNA HAVE TO START FIGHTING ANYWAY!?"
"Don't look at me, I'm just here for a cameo." Dark Signer Ruri sighed, exasperated by the stupidity of her weaker and less impressive alternate versions.
"I say we put it to a vote!" Crazy Ruri offered, ironically being the one to come up with a reasonable and rational decision.
"UGH… FINE!" Edgy Ruri groaned. "BUT HURRY! WE DON'T HAVE ALL DAY TO WAIT FOR THAT STUPID OLD FALCON'S ABILITY TO GO THROUGH! SO ALL IN FAVOR OF SQUASHING SHUN!"
Edgy Ruri and Crazy Ruri both raised their hands. Shrugging her shoulders, Dark Signer Ruri raised her own hand, figuring she'd probably squash Shun in her own fanfiction anyway, just because he was an annoying mortal.
"And that's… three." Edgy Ruri counted. "OK! WHICH OF YOU WORTHLESS MAGGOTS ARE FOR LETTING THE OLD MAN LIVE!?"
Yandere Ruri, Kind and Submissive Ruri, and Magical Girl Ruri all raised their hands.
"OH COME ON!" Edgy Ruri roared, "A TIE! SERIOUSLY!? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO…"
The rest of Edgy Ruri's speech was cut off as Shun blasted away Independent Nightingale and the rest of her Life Points.
"Think she's okay?" Kaito asked, looking at Ruri's smoldering body with concern.
"She'll be fine!" Shun laughed, blowing aside Kaito's comment once again with a wave of his hand. "I mean look at me! I got crushed by rubble when an Antique Gear Chaos Giant attacked me, and I feel fine!"
BACK IN ACADEMIA
"Okay that's it!" Professor Akaba yelled at The Doctor, "We are not wasting any more time with these stupid parasites! I'm getting an expert to handle the brain control from now on! Not a stupid hack like you!"
"Who could you possibly be getting!?" The Doctor protested.
"Marik Ishtar!" The professor replied, dialing a number on his phone. "If his millennium rod doesn't work… nothing else will!"
Donjusticia: If you're done choking on your sodas from laughter, I just wanted to thank you all for reading this chapter. I had a lot of fun writing it. Stay tuned for next week when I'll be parodying every Yuzu fan's favorite episode, episode 77. And if any of you guys have a request for another episode I should parody, just send me a private message. Have a wonderful week. Until next time, this is Donjusticia… realizing that carpool tunnel syndrome may be a real thing!