The Resolution

Dear Annie,

I know you're not even getting into the clinic until Wednesday, but with no shifts tonight; there was nothing to hold this off any longer. I told you I'd miss you the second you left my arms, and I didn't lie. I miss you a lot, but I know this is good. For you.

I suppose it's not the best thing to ramble on and on about how much I miss you. …

Dear Annie,

I'm really happy to hear that the ride down to the clinic went well, and that things seem nice. When your parents spoke to me about their options, I knew this one would fit you perfectly. The sun, the ocean, everything seemed like just what you needed….

Dear Annie,

I got a new patient at the hospital. Don't worry about me going off and falling in love with this one, because it's a guy...it looks like my hand got carried away with itself again. I love you, I do. I wanted to wait until I saw you again, but…apparently my hand had another idea…

Dear Annie,

It's been a while since you've written your parents, and it seems they've found that I am the way to send this message to you. "Write your parents. They miss you. They better hear from you, or you're grounded! Hahahah…." Your mom's hilarious by the way…

Dear Annie,

I can't wait until this summer. I really, really, cannot wait another second. It's like being a kid again, and waiting for Christmas. It feels like it just might never come. I can't wait to see you, and June couldn't come sooner…

Annie read, and re-read every single letter from Drew as she sat on the bed in her room, the room that had been her home for seven months now. A seven months that ended tomorrow. Tomorrow, Drew would show up at her door, ready to take her home. Her parents had agreed with Drew's plan-but who couldn't agree with Drew?-to pick her up at the clinic, and drive her all the way back to Boston, a week's long trip. And Annie couldn't think about anything else. It wasn't just seeing Drew-that wasn't even half of it-it was going home. She could see her friends, her parents, her own home, her own room. And everything would fall into the place it would have been without her mistakes. Smiling, she slipped the worn pile of letters into her suitcase.

One last thing, she thought to herself. She needed to write a letter to Drew. Yes, she would see him tomorrow, but she knew she'd never be able to speak to him all the things that needed to be said. Taking out one of the last, lingering sheets from her green spiral notebook, she smiled to herself. There was a lot that needed to be said, and she was finally in a place to write it all out.

Setting pen to paper, she began:

Dear Drew,

Someone I knew once told me that not being able to feel pain makes life so much easier. This same person told me a lot of other things I later found out not to be true. A lot of things that you later proved wrong.

Through you, Drew, I know that it's better to feel pain than nothing at all. And without facing your pain, you'll never get over it. I also learned that there is one thing stronger than the world's most intense pains. Love.

As cheesy as that sounds, it's true. I never would be where I am now without it. The love of my friends, my family, and you.

For the longest time after the death of my older brother Nate, I'd let the pain rule my life, wallowing in the empty shell of the family I once had. I didn't talk to anyone, didn't pay attention to anything, thinking that the world couldn't go on without an explanation for his actions. Without his presence in my life. He'd always been there for me, and I didn't want to live in a world unguarded by him.

Then I met Adam. I know, I know. You don't want to have to think about Adam anymore, but he's one of the most important people in my story. I met Adam, and he said he could show me the way. He promised me a way to guard myself from the pain, a way to escape the world where nothing made sense anymore. He told me that he cared for me, that he would watch over me. I needed someone to promise me that. I needed someone, anyone, to even pretend that they could care for me like Nate had. That they could replace the hole his absence had left behind. I would have taken anything thrown at me.

But, you see, when you trust anything in a hope of being loved, you're going to get hurt. Adam hurt me. Adam mislead me, driving me into deeper trouble than I'd ever been in my whole life. Looking back on those few days I spent in his company, I realized-from as much as I can remember-something pivotal. I was never even happy with him. There was little pain, but there was nothing else. I was just hallow version of myself, even worse than a pain-filled whole.

Before I had a chance to realize any sort of mistake, I was gone from Adam's arms, and thrust into reality. Never have I hit the ground harder than those few days. I would have broken if there was no one to pick me up.

But, to my undeserving luck, that wasn't the case. As I eased in an out of consciousness for days, I heard your voice. And you were my angel. Some part of me trusted you already, some part of me that wasn't controlled by my fears. It was innate in me. I depended on you to live.

Then, you proved to be every bit an angel. Drew, I could never have made it out of the hospital without you, let alone where I am now.

This clinic-which, do NOT lie to me, I know was your idea-has turned my life around. In a good way, of course.

I'm not afraid anymore. I'm not afraid that I won't be able to face the world on my own, without the protection of Nate anymore. I'm not afraid that I'll fall back into Adam's arms when he comes to me, his convincing eyes trying to pull me back to the dark. I'm not afraid of the unknown.

I'm not dependant on others for my happiness or protection, and I know that I can live on my own two feet.

And, more than anything, I've stopped questioning what I'll never know. I'll never know if Adam was sincere in his words to me. I'll never know what he really wanted. I'll never know if my parents saw my downward spiral, or Nate's. And, I'll never know just why Nate did it. I've stopped asking myself. He was unhappy, but he should never have done it. It wasn't my fault, or anyone else's.

And-Drew-I'm happy. I'm free of my pain. And I know, when it comes again in life, I'll be prepared to handle it.

So, thank you. You mean the universe, and the next one over, to me. You've helped me see clearly now. You told me in the hospital that I wouldn't know for a long time how I really felt about you, but I think you were wrong.

I love you, and that hasn't changed since the moment I heard your voice.

Love, and so much more,

Annie