Every Waking Moment

CHAPTER ELEVEN

She kicked off the covers as the night sweats hit and he covered her back up. He held her through night as she shivered through chills. Her heart raced at times and then she'd fall into a deep sleep battling nightmares as she fought off effects of withdrawal. It wasn't as severe because she hadn't been using long or much, it was more psychological than physical. He held her still as she fidgeted and talked nothingness in soothing tones to calm her down. She finally fell into a deep untroubled sleep in the wee hours of the morning. The worst over, he brushed a few stray hairs from her cheek and let himself relax. It was several hours until morning.

"Hey," Dani said groggily trying to wake her sleeping partner to stir the fire and add more wood. It was nearing dawn and bitterly cold. He simply hugged her tighter and sunk his face into the space between her ear and shoulder inhaling deeply. He hadn't judged or derided, even when she wrestled with him, cursed at him and sought to flee the security of his arms - he'd held her close and kept her safe. It seemed to be a role he wanted, not one he was forced into. He chose her for all her sins and problems. It wasn't logical – he could have anyone, but Crews wanted her.

It didn't however keep him from completely ignoring her when he wanted to – like now. She wanted to get up and use the bathroom, but not bad enough to endure that cold walk to the outhouse, so she stilled and tried to return to sleep.

She found herself appreciating their closeness. His hands found purchase on her body in ways that were intimate without being overtly sexual. He was gentle and subtle in ways she never expected. Her curves fit against the lines of his body and everywhere he touched her was warm. She experimented in aligning herself more completely with him and for a moment believed the lie that it was just for warmth. But as she turned to face him, his grip tightened and their bodies lined up in a way that communicated just how badly they both wanted to be one. Her leg slipped between his as he hooked an arm over her waist and tugged her against him. Her arms went around his waist and found their way up his back to his shoulder blades. Her face was pressed against his chest and the uniquely masculine smell of him permeated her senses. He buried his lips in her hair and once again murmured the words he couldn't seem to stop saying, "love you Dani."

Her response was a whispered, "why?" that she knew he wouldn't answer. Even awake he would simply shrug off the question or quote some inane Zen witticism. But love her he did, he said it with more than words. Hundreds of wordless gestures, the sacrifices he made and continued to make, the acceptance he gave even her worst weaknesses all shouted it. She finally gave into the fact it wasn't likely to change. Charlie Crews gave new definition to the word stubborn. If he loved her, that wasn't likely to change.

She didn't think she deserved someone like him; but she knew she needed him. Her needs were more physical, but his were deeper – he wanted more than she was sure she could give him. But Crews' steadfast patience and gentleness would stabilize her in moments of fury and need. She wondered what she provided for him, but found herself turning into the idea of him, just as she had with her body, molding herself into the cracks and crevice becoming inseparable from her tall Quixotic partner.

It had been a long time since she'd had the courage to love someone – longer for him, but he seemed to have lost his fear of pain, of death, of loss – it was burnt away from him in prison. But she knew he still had it – fear, buried under all that Zen. It was the reason he pulled away from what they both wanted. He was as fragile as he looked – a cautiousness that was earned, buried under a layer of ice cold Zen.

She wanted to melt that ice and see what lay underneath, but it involved risk for both of them. She carefully tested the strength of his resolve as she placed a kiss on his collarbone and nuzzled her face under his chin. Her name came to her as a grumbled sleeping warning, but she pressed harder kissing then raking her teeth lightly across the delicate strap muscle of his neck. His entire body tensed in anticipation.

This time he warned her more audibly with a chastising tone in his voice as his body betrayed him. His hands moved without thought into her hair. He rolled them together as a unit onto her back. He held her under him and his eyes were open and a vibrant blue. No sign of sleep remained in them and they were dark with lust. "Dani," he breathed losing the battle against his body and hers. He knew they should wait, but he clearly didn't want to.

She smiled at him, dark eyes shining in the night. There was no need there for drugs, just want - of him. She reached up to him and kissed his bottom lip. His breath caught and his hands roamed. He caught himself and reached away instead grabbing a fistful of sheet and raising himself away from her.

"We shouldn't," he gritted as she shredded his self control.

"Why?"

"You know damned well why," his exasperation was palpable.

"Why won't you touch me?" she demurred coyly as her hands travelled lightly down his torso. He was torn. To arrest her hands he had to sink into her supple body, but that would be impossible to resist. He shook his head trying to clear it. She undid him.

"I can't," he protested.

"All evidence to the contrary," she teased.

"Dani," he dropped his head to her chest. She smelled so good, she felt so good. "You don't understand," he countered.

"So tell me," she dared him.

"If I give in to what I want," he took a deep breath to steady himself and her hands left his body and traveled to his head. Her fingers threaded through his hair, it was longer now than he liked, but it gave her the leverage she needed to turn his face up to within inches of hers.

"To what we both want," she reminded him. "What'll happen Charlie?" She covered the distance to his lips and kissed him. It wasn't aggressive like he expected – she was sweet and tender and that threw him.

"I won't be able to let go," he explained in exquisite agony.

"I don't want you to let go," she promised him her heart with her dark eyes shining in the stillness of the small room. He released the sheet and his hand smoothed the sheet until he reached her back. Then he slipped under the small of her back and pulled her under him fully. They were lined up for more than just kissing, but he hadn't even done that yet.

"I wanna kiss you," he repeated the words from his dream.

She stopped and withdrew. She was giving him permission to lead, to drive, to control. She was giving him more than her body. "Are you sure? Really sure, Dani?" he wondered aloud. She didn't trust herself to speak, so she simply nodded and ran her thumb across his bottom lip.

The first time he kissed her – he kept his eyes open watching her reaction. She closed her eyes and surrendered to his kiss. He broke, stroked her face and descended again to deepen the kiss. His tongue sought entrance and she opened for him. Their heat built until they no longer noticed the cold. They were both fully clothed and he'd nothing more than kiss her and Charlie couldn't remember ever being happier.

"We can't do this here," he let her down gently with the promise of more.

Her dark eyes held no anger, just a question, so he told her.

"The things I want to do to you, with you," his voice deepened, "I need more room, more time. I promise you," he vowed, "we will be worth the wait." She looked quizzically at him and nodded.

They disengaged and she rolled away satisfied in the fact that they would happen, but on his terms. It reinforced her feeling that his still waters ran quite deep and he had been badly damaged by his ex's betrayal. He wanted so much to be together, but resisted out of fear. She knew his fear as completely as her own. He pulled her against him and draped an arm over her. He settled besides her sinking his nose into the hair at the base of her neck, inhaling the scent of her deeply.

"I want you more than I can remember wanting anyone – ever," he told her the depths of his desire. She snorted a short laugh. He had the patience of a saint when she clearly did not. "No, you really have no idea how badly I want you and for how long I've thought about this, about us," he whispered in her exposed ear as if someone might overhear his confession.

"Oh, I have some idea," she laughed. "If you hype this and aren't any good I'm gonna kick your ass Crews." His palm was on her shoulder as he quickly turned her into his body and locked her in searing kiss. He burnt away any stray thoughts she had as he kissed her with an abandon she didn't know he possessed. She had to push him away to come up for air.

This time he smiled wordlessly and got up to add wood to the fire. He wasn't joking – together they were going to be amazing and for that she could wait. When he returned she wrapped his arm around her and snuggled against him before returning to sleep. The need for the drug was great, but the need for this man was greater. It occupied her entirely. If he wanted to wait, she could wait for him. He might even teach her patience she thought as she heard him sigh contentedly just before she fell back asleep.

"We need to go home," he told her yawning, "we'll leave in the morning. There's this diner I know that make blueberry pancakes with fresh blueberries on the way. I love blueberries," he continued rambling on long after she'd stopped listening in classic Crews fashion. Him and his fruit - were her last thoughts and she fell asleep smiling at Charlie being Charlie.