A/N: The long awaited chapter 11! Clap, my faithful readers. CLAP. My GOD this took a long time. Anyway, Gracilis is still 13 in this chapter and this is not long after the events of Chapter 10. This chapter will be filled with family (+Gracilis) drama, screaming, intensity and grief. Also Cadbath being a signature asshole, so yeah. A time travel trip, also? I think soon into this story, folks! :) Gracilis POV switch. This story is a little dragging, but what's drama without some slow burning, eh?
Chapter 11: The Aftermath
When you do something stupid, only one question could possibly pop up above anything else. If you did it by accident or on purpose, there is a twinge of questioning and doubt inside you, tugging at your heart. Asking you, taunting you.
'What have you done?'
I... What have I done?
The guilt settles deep into me as reality sinks in and tears me away from my thoughts. I'm looking down at the rubble on the ground, ears being filled with the noise of sirens wailing. My chest is so tight I can't breathe. My stomach is in knots, and I want to puke. My body is so cold I'm shaking and my teeth are just..chattering. Tears prick my eyes and I fall without permission to my knees, sobbing and trembling without a hint of shame asking myself: What have you done?!
I'll tell you what I've done.
I walked over to the only person who was ever nice to me, despite all that's happened and killed her. Cadbath hates me. Look what I made him to Serena? My fault. Look at Caetus, manhandled because of my ignorance? He hates the shit out of me too. Serena can't be nice to me anymore, she's dead. Humanity hates me because I'm different. They want me dead, like Serena. Like Katya. Oh Gods what have I done to you? Katya.. I didn't like her at all. At first, I could only categorize her with Cadbath, because she tore Serena apart from her husband. That's what my mother told me. She addressed Katya with such hatred. I knew I had to hate her too. I did, for a while, but she was my only parental figure.
She was the one who fed me, even when I shouted to her face. Sometimes she would console me, even after I slammed the door with a loud bang.
I was letting off steam. Too clouded to realize Katya was my only mother now.
I sob harder into my hand as realization hit me like a bag of bricks. You killed both your mothers. I wail at that, loud as the sirens. I cry and cry and reflect on the dirty, rocky ground until rubble has made grooves into my pant legs and my head begins to ache. My nose is running and I'm sniffling and hiccuping so bad, I can hardly catch my breath.
Crying is tiring, I admit to myself silently.
As I'm mourning all that was nice in my life, I feel a sharp tug on my arm. It's strong, pulling me off my aching shins, but letting me go once I've only stumbled onto my feet. I flail, eyes blurry with warm tears. My body hurts, I realize a little too late, feeling a painful sting everywhere. I groan softly before looking up. In front of me is a tall man I can only guess to be Cadbath. I want to wipe my tears but I want him to see them. To see how much I'm hurting right now, even though what happened was my fault.
Next to my old man is Caetus. He's a small, smudgy figure in the focus of my watery eyes but I can hear him sniffling. Is he crying too? Probably. Why wouldn't he be? I killed his mother.
I grit my teeth as another pang hits me low in the gut.
"Gracilis. We have to go." Cadbath shouts, just managing to elevate his voice above the sirens.
I don't say anything. Instead, I turn around a little dazedly to look at Katya's corpse on the floor. I squeeze my eyes shut and more than enough tears spill out. I'm in that drunken state of crying again, dull throbbing in my head, ears ringing, body hurting. I want to walk over to her again, get her hair out of her lifeless face and maybe give her a hug. I'm tempted, but Cadbath is obviously frustrated with my late reaction and turns me swiftly around.
"Gracilis, you must listen. People are going to come in and if they see us, only Hell will break loose. You know this, I told you humans dislike us. Now listen boy, Katya is dead and that's in the past. With her gone, we have little to worry about the move, so let's get on quickly now!"
To be honest, I can believe what he's saying.
Yes. What leaves my father's saying is no surprise to me. The words he utters don't seem to affect me in shock or confusion.
He never cared enough about Katya to begin with. Sure, I didn't think much either, but she thought the world of him. Katya was always a little too much happier than all of us combined. Compared to us, she was a bright ball of forced smiles and faked laughter, whilst the rest of us just frowned and wore our emotions everywhere we went. I'm not horrified that Cadbath wanted Katya to be dead. She was an obstacle on his hunt for another wife.
I should've figured that out long ago, but it only comes to me now.
It makes me sick just looking at him.
"You... You got a kick out of that, huh?"
Cadbath just regards me with a look that screams 'what the heck are you talking about'. I'm suddenly very angry. It's not like he doesn't know. The gall he has to look at me with such an expression. I bet he thought he won, when I stabbed Katya in the chest. When her blood poured out like a waterfall I'm sure he wanted to bathe in it, bask in the glory of his so called 'victory'. I let my scowl deepen and the lines on my forehead crease, a burning anger in the pit of my knotted stomach.
I killed Katya. Not him. He shouldn't be so proud of himself. Even then, I killed Katya for reasons. First because of her uncontrollable fire, second because she wanted to die anyway. She was miserable, am I right?
What would Katya be useful for if she was with Cadbath?
"What's with that face, father? Why do you look so pleased? Is it because Katya is dead, and you have nothing to worry about? Like your sons don't give a dot like you if their mother is dead?" I snap, blood pulsing rapidly thanks to my quickened heart beats.
Suddenly, everything is very very hot again and I'm beginning to sweat uncomfortably, a ringing in my ears I so wish I could banish, fists clenching and unclenching as I lick my rather dry lips. My breaths are irregular, my heart is too fast, the walls are closing in but I can't loose this one talk with Cadbath. I have to tell him he's in the wrong, and that he is a dickwad and all those other things I never really had the chance to say to his face.
After a while, Cadbath gives a curt cough before looking down upon me an'd saying loudly; "Gracilis, I'm afraid I have no time for your petty arguing. Caetus is getting restless, see? We must react now, not never. You don't have a place to say that to me, anyway."
He says it so prestigiously, I think I might actually laugh.
"Restless? No he's more than restless, sweet, ignorant father of mine. He's grieving. Why? Because I killed Katya. That's what you wanted to do, right? Well I've beat you to it. And what place must I have? Why would anyone have to be in a certain place to talk to someone as low as yourself? I guess you can't take satisfaction in this one, because I killed Katya for reasons you would despise. So she could be free, I would say."
I'm feeling breathless, my words channeling all the frustration I've felt for years now. Caetus is quiet, and I feel powerful. I've got Cadbath looking at me like a deer in the headlights. Unfortunately, my triumph is cut short, when a small voice cuts into my victorious silence with a few mumbles.
Cadbath looks down beside him, to Caetus, who rarely speaks at all.
"Excuse me?" I ask gently, arms unfolding from my chest for a more humble approach.
Caetus is quiet for a while more, before taking a deep breath and looking up at me. "Why did you kill Mommy?" His face is strewn with a pain even I cannot replicate, the moisture in his eyes threatening to spill out at any given time. His expression is screwed up ugly as he frowns at me, a disbelieving frown, waiting for me to give a good answer.
"Caetus.. Let's not.. I don't-" "Aren't you just as bad as you say Cadbath is?!" He erupts suddenly, and my heart beats very fast when his little voice amps up to a furious scream above the siren wails. "Cadbath wanted to kill Mother, and you wanted to kill her too! Don't you see? If Cadbath is bad, so are you, because you and Cadbath are both vile people, right? You both think horrible things, right?"
I don't know what to feel. I hate being compared to Cadbath. All these years I've been alive I never once saw myself like Cadbath. Not once. I despise Cadbath and I thought I was nothing like him. But a new light has been shed on me and I feel like my proud cover is peeling, leaving me bare to eyes of judgement. Is this the truth? Am I really like my aloof father? I refuse to believe so, but the way Caetus is looking at me makes me feel utterly weak and defenseless. Like he's caught me red-handed. Like he knows me.
Well.. Well he doesn't!
"Don't be ridiculous. I killed Katya for reasons you would never understand!" I say weakly, my argument stale. "And- and I'm nothing like Cadbath! I-"
I.. What?
What am I, if I am not my father's son?
Cadbath is looking at me, with an expression I cannot read. Everybody seems just a little bit taller than myself. I must be on the ground again. A furious burn beats through me and I grit my teeth in retaliation. This- Gracilis is not weak! I can't go down like this. I'm pathetic. I look up at Caetus and Cadbath, forcing the anger I feel out in my words.
"I AM NOTHING LIKE YOU THINK I AM! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"
It's sudden, unexpected, and rattles me to the bone. I hear nothing but white noise, and I'm being pulled away from the ground, somebody is shouting and I don't know who. I turn to look for Katya one last time but I don't have my vision. It's left me momentarily, I guess. I allow my body to be dragged like a rag doll, legs jostling rubble every now and then. I feel light headed, yet my heart is heavy.
What..am I? Do I know me, even?
oOo
I'm lost.
Not in a physical sense. Emotionally, psychologically.
I feel lost, and there is no map to where I might find where I once belonged. I feel torn, and I can't seem to find the tape I used so many times before.
I'm a little bit of everything, as I stare wordlessly into the eyes of... Well, no one. I'm alone, on the ground, with nought but the tree I lean against to keep me company. After our frantic run, Cadbath, Caetus and I somehow found ourselves in a forest. I hate forests. Especially ones like these. It is thick with gnarled, twisted trees taller than any building I've seen before, a wonder to some, but a fear to me. I never liked tall trees. You never know what's hiding in them.
I sigh, just a little bit, because this air is too dense with moisture and the scent of bleeding grass.
I don't know what I meant when I blew up before. They don't know me. It is strange, because after thinking about it, I hardly know myself. What is my purpose in this world? To float? Am I aimless? Hopeless? Do I have aspirations? I'm not quite sure. Am I a little insane? Maybe. What do I know of myself, despite the fact that I breathe, and I live and do everything anyone can do?
My fingers reach for my throbbing forehead, a fleeting attempt to try and push away my dizziness and overcomplicating thoughts.
Am I like Cadbath? I look like him, sort of. He's my father, after all. But- what is it that makes us similar? I ponder over the facts like: We both have tendrils. Big deal. Katya and Serena had those things. They run with our species, I'm guessing. Then there is the fact that we both despise humans. We were both wronged by those inferior beings, so.. Not much of a point. I sigh again, irritable, restless and absolutely confused.
After a moment or two, Cadbath returns with Caetus. I forgot why they left, but I won't try to remember. My old man says something while looking at me. I can't hear him. Caetus ignores looking at me completely, so I happily oblige him with a vice-versa.
"It's okay," I reply numbly, unsure of what else to say. His question totally slipped my ears.
"I said now, you ignorant boy!" Snaps Cadbath, one hand clutching his magic pocket watch and the other on his hip. When I walk over, or rather, stumble, Caetus moves to stand just a little more closer to our father. I huff at his childish need to prolong our earlier argument. Of course he has every right to, I mean, I stabbed his mother for the sake of a woman I didn't even know. Hell, I could've been imagining her, even. I can't lose to my brother, however, because I will never admit what I did was wrong.
It was beneficial.
Right?
The three of us stand, the air getting heavier with every breath we take. The tension is too much, I decide at last. After a few well placed inhales and exhales, Cadbath presses something on that magical pocket watch from God knows where and our escape is in motion.
It's extremely difficult to breathe during the entire process. I feel so compressed, my lungs don't work as properly as they should, and my blood circulation gets cut off and I'm pretty sure I'm either going to puke or faint or do something else embarrassing and horribly graphic. It takes absolutely all of me to just hang on, too. I don't know what I'm gripping but as my eyes are squeezed shut and my stomach does flips, an unknown gravity is just pulling me down from this traveling high and I can't slip now. I mean, who knows what the consequences are?
My fingers twist themselves tighter into this unknown fabric.
At least my hearts still beating..
...
We arrive.
I'm not sure where, when or what but this place is definitely something.
Cadbath takes a sharp breath. This place also seems to smell strongly of petroleum and factory smoke. I wonder where we are, invades my thoughts entirely. Cadbath doesn't move from our spot on.. Well. The ground. I take a good look around and see that we are standing in a narrow alleyway littered with garbage cans and literal garbage everywhere. Can't believe I didn't notice the smell straight away, either. I take a quick whiff and cover my nose in disgust, narrowing my eyes and scanning the area for any vermin.
Cadbath doesn't seem to care, but Caetus doesn't take in the smell as kindly as our father seems to.
"Come, boys. Let's go."
But I'm having none of it. I still feel groggy from the travel, and oxygen is slow on its course to my brain. My breaths are heavy and stretched, vision a little more hazy than it should be.
"Let me.. Catch my breath." I whisper between heaves.
Cadbath looks at me with an 'are you serious' look, like he usually does, and pays me no heed. Instead, he says: "No. We have to move now, when the sun is not yet set."
I glare at him. Of course I don't comply. I'm too busy bending over slightly, hands clasping my knees. Something about my racing heart doesn't feel right. I shouldn't even be this exhausted, so why is it beating like I'm being chased? I sigh loudly, a familiar heaviness resting itself in the pit of my stomach. We are here to most probably see my new mother, heaven knows who she will be, and it makes me uneasy. It makes me feel faint.
I don't want a new mother.
I just want my mother.
Cadbath is saying things inaudible to my ears, the only thing I can hear being the bursts of my heart pumping blood to my body. Caetus saves me a short glance, his expression that of worry. But I know he's not worried about me. He's probably worrying what I'm worrying.
Worrying about this new woman we will have to make friends with.
Something about this situation is so uncomfortable and bothering a prickle of goosebumps raise my skin as my figure shudders outwardly. Cadbath shouts at me, pulling me up by my arm so that I stand straight and alert. This, in no way makes my situation any better. In fact, black spots begin to haze up my vision and I think I'm going to puke. It's situations like these that really test my metabolism- which is weak as fuck. My breath hitches and I just need to hold on to something.
Something that won't leave me to wobble on my own.
In the end, I find myself giving Cadbath's arm a death grip, and looking him straight in the eyes with whatever seriousness I can muster.
"No."
Cadbath seems a little shocked. "I don't need this right now, Gracilis! We must go now."
I shake my head from side to side, heart beating hard in my chest. My body is cold, my brain is dizzy, everything feels like Hell. "I..said..no. Are-you-" breathe "d-deaf?" My father is at a lost. Probably because my nails are basically piercing into his favored coat and the fact that I'm also saying no for what seems like the first time in my life. Cadbath breathes out through his nose in annoyance, loud and frank. He is trying to tug his arm away from my hands vice grip but it's no use. He swears me, before repeating again that 'he has no time for this, we have to go'.
"Don't you see?" I ask after a deep breath to calm my jittering nerves.
Cadbath doesn't see. He mutters as he swears my name, and pulls his trapped arm free. "I have no idea what you could possibly want from me now, Gracilis. I have given you the best life has to offer -especially to people like us- and now here you are, saying I'm the bad guy?"
What he says makes me so mad, my spine jolts in such a way that I am standing straight for a much more threatening and professional posture. Caetus watches with interest, stepping a little farther away from me and our father. Well.. Good. Things aren't going to get any prettier, anyway. I ball my hands up into fists which hang on either side of me, my gaze never faltering from that of my father's. He looks as pissed and frustrated as I feel.
"You are the bad guy! That's precisely it! You are a horrible man and you say you care, but why won't you just listen to me? You probably killed more people than I can probably count. I hate you! And I don't want any part of your stupid, crazy life as much as I don't want a new mother!" I say, and at the end of it, I'm pretty much breathless.
Caetus has a look of surprise on his face, lips down turned into a horrified frown.
Cadbath's breathing is a tad short, as well as mine. While I try to regain the oxygen in my lungs, fists still clenched, Cadbath quickly transforms into an angry mess.
"YES! I killed people alright? I am the bad guy, ok? Are you happy now? I wanted to kill Katya but I never meant to kill Serena-" his voice breaks "I loved your mother to pieces but I couldn't be with her. It was and still is against all our family laws. I love you boys, I care, never say I don't- I'm sorry I don't listen because I'm just as hurt as you are, alright? I don't want to be running around finding new wives but it's what I must do. It's tradition, and if I break that, I fear what will happen to me and you two."
"I'm sorry that I am dislikable to you boys, ok, I'm sorry, that I'm afraid, ok?!"
Cadbath's entire figure shakes, and the man I once knew as unaffected by all the violence and gore around him shatters at his own volition. He hiccups as the tears roll down his face and I..
Well. I don't know what to feel.
Something in my gut clenches. Guilt? I don't know. I can't forgive him, can I? Even if his confessions are true and pure to his blackened soul I cannot forgive him.
He's been selfish and cold all this time and he doesn't understand. Caetus seems to be thinking the same thing, because his mouth quivers and he turns away- before speeding out from the alley. My head shoots up almost immediately to register what's just happened. My lips move to form the words but for a while, I'm frozen to my spot without a sound leaving my throat. It's only when I no longer see Caetus in the alley that my brain works up its gears and everything starts rolling.
I run without Cadbath, leaving the man wheezing something behind me.
Whatever. I don't care what that man has to say anymore, as I'm too confused and too shocked to really register more than one problem. Why has Caetus run? The alleyway is long and my legs feel heavier than they need to be, as I try and remember which way Caetus had gone. This slows me down a bit, and I can hear a lot of shouting behind me. Footsteps get closer and I realize that this is the one and only chance I'll get to escape. Escape from this Cadbath who is full of lies and self importance, escape from the path he's created for us with new mother after mother after mother. This life is miserable and this seems my only opportunity to be free.
Screwing up my face, clenching my fists with a racing heart, I scowl.
And go.
Without a hint of doubt, I turn to my left and just zoom off to wherever. The sidewalk is conveniently empty, so that doesn't prove as much of a problem. However.. Now that I notice, everything is rather.. Secluded. Aside from the hauntingly tall and dull buildings set all around like fortress walls, it is a non populated area at the moment. My breaths grow to an erratic pace as I run like he winds of no tomorrow. It feels kind of nice to just cut through the air like this.
It makes me think and feel like I'm boundless. Free, if you would.
I close my eyes for a flash of a second, listening to the echo of my heartbeats which are pacing rapidly.
All is quiet and darkness and it feels so good to just run into oblivion like this... No need to figure myself out. No need to figure this world out...And then:
CRASH!
I don't know how far exactly, or where I've run to in particular, but I've slammed into someone, that's for sure. My butt makes quick impact with the ground, the jolt making my upper teeth clack with the lower hard. This hurts quite a bit, and my lids only give me faint stars to enjoy as my eyes are closed tight. The rest of my bony being awkwardly falls down to join my rear, giving the sidewalk a good, long hug. The grains of sand and small stones scratch me uncomfortably, but I am too shocked to regain my standing. The person I had just hit doesn't seem affected, though.
They just stand up as a blurry figure in my vision before looking down at me with a start.
And turning away with haste.
No! Why would anyone be running from me, if it weren't Caetus? It's high time I get to the bottom of his outburst, and this seems to be my only chance. Half heartedly, I move my leg to swipe under his foot. As hoped, he looses balance and stumbles onto his hands. I force my body up, using all my elbow and abdominal strength, which I don't have much of. The attempt is limp and and lazy altogether, but my opponent and suspect is still dazed, so I have plenty of time to push myself upward and sit sort of properly.
"Ugh.."
The voice is childlike, and my suspicions are soon proved. The boy I bumped into is indeed my younger half brother.
"D-don't move!" I mumble, my lips failing to open properly. Some unknown, hidden strength within me kicks in and suddenly, I'm standing on my feet. It makes me feel a little dizzy, but I can manage to breathe and steady myself best as I can in this state.
Caetus gives a little cough, before looking up at me in bewilderment.
His eyes widen in horrified shock and he scrambles on his hands, looking awfully vulnerable on the floor. "G-Gracilis- leave me alone!" He says angrily. The expression he wears makes him look... Like a wounded animal. He looks truly, genuinely feared. I'd wonder of what, but I honestly don't have the time now. I bend over and grab Caetus' clammy hand, pulling him up. I haven't touched him in forever, so this is rather different. Caetus groans, and tries to tug away from me, but he knows, I know, he can't.
"Let go! Don't touch me." He hisses, venom in his words.
"Come with me, you little brat." I drag him by the wrist, much to his chagrin, to a nearby just as dirty as the first alleyway. Why? So Cadbath won't track us so easily.
The sky is getting darker, and there are strange noises coming from the empty streets. Like cars, or engines, or something but every time I turn around its as lonely as ever. Oh well. That's not what I'm here to worry about. I look my younger half brother in the eyes, and his frown grows deeper with every second passing by.
"Let me go." He says after his scowl has reached the end of deepness.
"No."
"Why are you stopping me? I can't stand the both of you, you know that! I hate you Gracilis. And Cadbath, now let me go! I don't want to spend another stinking second with you murderers!"
Now he's definitely crossed the line. I'm not a murderer! I'm not my father! I'm... I'm me! Just me, and wholly me! No one else. But.. What if me is a murderer? What if Caetus is right? Everything drops on my shoulders and it feels like the weight of the world. It hurts to know my brother hates me, even if it's for good reasons. Reasons I have created all by myself. I'm.. Ashamed. Stress in my mind makes my eyes prick with a familiar wet warmth.
"Caetus..."
He struggles against my grip, anger and determination plain on his face. From the way grits his teeth, to the creases on his face, and the tears rolling down his cheeks.
"I hate you.. I HATE you!" He hisses, over and over again until I feel like I'm drowning in my guilt.
It's patronizing. I hate it. So I have to make it stop.
One loud smack fills the air, and it has both of us in dead silence. The atmosphere is burning cold, the sky is growing darker, I hear those engines getting louder and louder and I have no idea why the world is so frustrating. I watch Caetus cower underneath my glare, the red mark on his cheek visible, in even the dimmest light.
"I hate you." He whispers, new tears of a different kind of emotion staining on his skin.
"...I know."
A gut shaking metal clang causes the two of us to jump from our haze. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a large figure looms above us, covering us in it's shadow. Rumbling engines fill the once quiet air and a loud, terrifying roar escapes from the being, hot steam escaping its mouth. There is no mistake now, once the fog clears, that this 'thing' is not human. Caetus quakes and screams loudly, fear overtaking his soul because what we are looking at is the tallest fucking robot machine we have ever seen. A red light starts flashing wildly, and I know we have to run.
Desperately groping the empty air for Caetus' hand, I'm too transfixed by this machine to even check for my younger brother.
What fucking year did Cadbath bring us to? Is this some kind of, different dimension with evil robots?! What the hell?
As I'm questioning all the sanity our father must lack, I feel a tugging in my left arm. Looking down, away from the object of nightmares, I see Caetus staring pleadingly at me. "We have to run!" He hisses, trying to drag my arm away from my body. "Now!" He says with more insistence. I nod in hasty agreement before pulling Caetus along with me to the entrance of the alleyway under attack.
The giant, rusty robot responds almost immediately. With a loud roaring of engines, and an additional cloud of steam released, the huge metal monster turns towards us. My heart thuds in time with our footsteps, Caetus and I running at the speed of light. The entrance seemed so close before, but now, as the robot covers much more distance than I expected, it is the equivalent of the moon from the earth.
I'm on the verge of tears.
This is not how or when I want to die. The life I've led to this point is so disgustingly disappointing I want to throw up. My mother died, my half brother hates me, my father hates yet still expects much from me, and I murdered my brother's mother.
How could anyone be proud of a life like that?!
How could I ever be proud, living a life as the descendant of a practical demon?
My thoughts spin wildly around my head, and I've got the worst case of vertigo that I've ever experienced. My legs, at this point, aren't even part of me. It feels as though they are running ahead, leaving my flailing torso behind. The roars and thuds and beats are invading my ears, causing me to shut my eyes tight, gripping Caetus' hand hard enough to be painful.
Is this where it ends? With my brother holding my hand, feeling contempt and fear?
We run faster, feet sore from the repeated impact from the ground, but we can't stop now. The sand colored sidewalks turn into a blur, and the sunset sky is a fleeting memory, but we can't ever stop.
That is, until, one final metal boom has us on the ground face first and-
oOo
A/N: Hey! So sorry for that late ass update, folks! I am honestly the worst. I just have a lot of projects currently, that I need to finish, so don't expect each update to be lightning fast! Sorry again. But on the upside, hope you enjoyed. Read, review, do what you want! But don't leave me hanging! Love you guys. :D