Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
We first see Quinn boarding a train. She takes her seat. Jim sits next to her. They have a conversation. Next, we see a train arrive in Lawndale. Quinn gets off. This is followed by Quinn and Jim on a date. Next, we see Chuck and Stacy's wedding. This is followed by Daria and Jane looking at an eviction notice, which leads to a scene of Daria moving back in with her parents. Next, we see Jim proposing to Quinn. This is followed by a shot of Stacy holding a newborn baby. Next, a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding. Then we see Kevin playing with his kids while Brittany makes out with Daryl in the background. This is followed by Quinn making a "Smores 'n' Pores" video. Next, we see Quinn and Jim at the hospital with newborn triplets. Next, we see the boys as six year olds while Quinn is chatting with Lindy, Stacy, Sandi and Brittany. Next, a shot of Jim, Mack, Chuck, Chris and Kevin drinking beer in the back yard. Final shot is Jim taking out the trash. Quinn and the boys join him. This pans out to a group picture of them and all of their friends. Below them, we now see...
"Life After Thirty"
Ep. 11
"Ultra Love"
written by
WildDogJJ
Lawndale High School, day...
Every twenty years Lawndale High has a Thompson as the star quarterback. In the late 1970's it began with Doug Thompson. In the late 90's it was his son, Kevin. Now, in 2018, it's Ultra Thompson. Ultra was walking the halls of Lawndale High in his varsity jacket and felt on top of the world. At age sixteen he was the spitting image of his own father at that age. Not only was Ultra the QB but his girlfriend, Lauren, was the head cheerleader. Another family tradition as Ultra's own mother, Brittany, had once been the head cheerleader just as his grandmother, Charlene, had been.
Ultra approached his locker. As hs got his stuff out he was approached by one of his teammates, Steve. Steve was a muscular running back with long blond hair and a surfer's tan.
"Yo, Ultra!" Steve said.
Ultra acknowledged his friend and teammate.
"Yo, Steve! What's up?"
Steve said "Did you hear? Sherri O'Mara's throwing a party this weekend. It's gonna be wild."
Ultra said "Awesome! I'm so there."
Steve asked "Are you invited?"
Ultra said "Duh, she's the most popular girl in school and I'm the QB. Of course I'm invited."
Steve said "Cool! See you there, dude."
After Steve left, Ultra was approached by a girl in a cheerleader outfit. This girl had auburn hair, a perfect face and a nice rack. Her name was Lauren D'Angelo. She was the head cheerleader and Ultra's girlfriend. Ultra asknowledged her with his usual gusto.
"Hey, babe! What's up?"
Not looking happy, Lauren said "Ultra, we need to talk."
Ultra said "About?"
Shocked, Lauren said "You mean you don't know!?"
Ultra said "Know what, babe?"
Now angry, Lauren said "Corina saw you making out with Lindsey Martinez!"
Ultra now looks like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"Babe, it's not what you think!"
Lauren said "You were french kissing her behind the gym!"
Ultra said "No...um...she was...well...she was showing me her tongue stud. Yeah, that's it!"
Lauren angrily said "Don't you dare lie to me! What, you think I'm stupid?"
Ultra said "Babe, you don't need to be smart. You're hot and I'm the QB."
Lauren shouted "IT'S OVER!"
Ultra pleaded "But, babe..."
Lauren said "Save it! I'm breaking up with you!"
With that, she stormed off.
Casa Carbone, that afternoon...
Music: "No More Tears Left To Cry" by Ariana Grande
Jim is salting the sidewalk in front of his and Quinn's house. Kevin approaches. As usual, Kevin has a beer can in his hand and a lit cigarette in his mouth.
"Hey, Jim. What's going on?"
Jim said "Just laying some salt on the sidewalk."
Puzzled, Kevin asked "Why?"
Jim said "Because we just had a cold snap."
Clueless, Kevin asked "What's that got to do with salt?"
Rolling his eyes, Jim said "I'm trying to keep the walkways from icing over."
Amazed, Kevin said "Salt does that!? Cool!"
Jim asked "What's going on with you, Kevin?"
Kevin said "Daryl's over. Brittany wants me and the kids out of the house for the next two hours so they can work out in private."
Just then...
Brittany: (VO, from her bedroom) "OH...DARYL...YES...YES...YESYESYESYES!"
Kevin said "That's the intense cardio you're hearing. Brit's always exhausted afterwards. I'm lucky to have a wife who's willing to torture herself to stay hot."
Jim shakes his head. It's not only obvious what's really going on but also that Kevin still suspects nothing. At this point, Ultra comes up.
Kevin said "Ultra, don't go in. Your mothers having a cardio session."
Daryl: (VO, from house) "UGH...SO...HOT...THAT'S...IT...WORK...IT...GOOD..."
Ultra, who is just as clueless as his father, said "He's really working Mom this time. I can't believe she's still willing to torture herself to look good."
Jim struggles to contain his disbelief. Kevin notices that his son looks down.
"Like, what's wrong?"
Sighing, Ultra said "Lauren dumped me."
Kevin's eyes go wide.
"WHAT!? But you're the QB and she's the head cheerleader."
Jim said "So?"
Kevin said "So, it's, like, meant to be."
Jim said "Kevin, there are other girls besides the head cheerleader."
Kevin said "But the head cheerleaders always true to the QB. It's and exact science. Brittany was the head cheerleader and she's totally devoted to me. Always has been."
Brittany: (VO, from house) "HARDER...GIVE IT TO ME HARDER...YES!"
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn, Jim and the boys are at the kitchen table having dinner. Tommy is finishing the story about his day.
"...so after that Shane backed off. The other kids thought it was cool."
Jim, pretending to be interested, said "That's cool. Teddy, how was your day?"
Teddy said "Well, class was boring as hell and the only kid who talked to me at recess was Michelle. In other words, the usual."
Timmy said "I got yelled at for drawing a clown."
Concerned, Quinn asked "Why?"
Timmy said "Because I did it during math."
Jim muttered under his breath "That kid's not right."
Quinn said "What was that, honey?"
Not wanting an argument, Jim said "Nothing, babe."
Just then, the door bell rings. Jim gets up to answer the door. It's Ultra.
"Ultra! What brings you here?"
Ultra said "Hey, Mr. Carbone. Can I come in?"
Jim said "Sure."
With that, he lets Ultra in and leads him to the table. Quinn said "Hi, Ultra."
Smiling, Ultra said "Hey, Mrs. Carbone."
Quinn said "Please, call me Quinn."
Ultra sits down and sighs. Quinn notices how upset he is.
"What's wrong?"
Ultra said "Lauren dumped me."
Sympathetic, Quinn said "Ultra, I'm so sorry. She seemed like a nice girl."
Sensing the direction this is going, Jim said to his sons "Boys, why don't you go upstairs and play some video games."
Taking the hint all three of them head upstairs. Ultra looks like he's about to cry.
Quinn said "I guess you're really bummed."
Not wanting to be privy to an emotional conversation Jim said "Why don't you talk to your parents about this?"
Ultra snorted "Please, they're beyond clueless."
Jim and Quinn exchanges knowing looks. Kevin and Brittany are clueless, after all.
Quinn said "I know. My first real crush rejected me when I asked him out. I cried for a whole day afterward."
Ultra said "But guys don't cry."
Jim said "That's right. If you need to cry, do it at home...alone...with no one around to see you like that."
Stunned by her husband's apparent lack of sympathy, Quinn said "Jim!"
Jim said "It's a lession I learned as a boy." His mood starts to darken. "Oh, Did I evey learn. Old Tony Carbone never missed an opportunity to rip into me if I cried. 'Man up, Jim.' 'Don't be a pussy, Jim.' 'IS DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL UPSET!? YOU GODDAMN PUSSY ASSED WASTE OF SEMEN, I'LL BEAT THAT WEAKNESS RIGHT OUT OF YOU, YOU MOTHERF..."
"JIM!"
This snaps him out of his Jake-like rant.
"Sorry!" He sheepishly said. "I guess I'm trying to say that it's okay to let it out as long as you don't make a scene. Besides, you're only in high school. Plenty of other women will come along. I didn't meet Quinn until I was well into my twenties."
Ultra said "But it still hurts."
Quinn said "I know, but it gets better. In the meantime, there's no shame in letting it out."
Jim said "But it's better to keep it in. Look at our neighbor, Miss Griffin. She went through the worst divorce this town's ever seen and you don't see her crying."
Meanwhile, at Sandi's house...
Sandi is crying uncontrollably while staring at a picture of her ex-husband.
The master bedroom, later that night...
Quinn and Jim are talking. Quinn said "Jim, that was some really bad advice you gave Ultra earlier."
Jim said "I'm sorry, but you know how uncomfortable I get when guys start emoting around me."
Quinn said "First break ups are hard."
Jim said "I wouldn't know. I got my soul mate on the first attempt."
Quinn blushes for a moment before turning serious again.
"Still, you've been rejected plenty of times."
Jim said "The first time wasn't so bad. Although..."
A high school in Long Island, 1999...
An eighteen year old Jim is walking the halls. He looks like one of the popular kids, but looks in this case are decieving. His efforts to shed his old geek image have accomplished nothing. He walks up to a beautiful blond girl.
"Um...Jenny."
Jenny snidely said "What do you want, Jim?"
Jim asked "Do you have a date for prom?"
Scrunching her nose in disgust, Jenny said "Before you say anything else let me remind you what a loser you are."
Jim looks totally deflated.
Jenny continued "Just accept it, no one likes you. Maybe if you didn't used to be a fat, pimply dork. Face it, no girl will ever want a loser like you."
Jim said "But...but..."
Jenny condescendingly said "You're a geek. Dating you, even being nice to you, is social suicide."
Jenny walks away laughing while Jim looks both hurt and angry.
Casa Carbone, present...
Jim finishes telling Quinn the story.
"That was the final nail in my self esteem's coffin. I didn't even try again until I was almost finished with college."
He suddenly looks thoughtful.
"Now that I remember, I actually do get where Ultra's coming from."
Quinn is just happy to have gotten through to him. At the same time she also feels a sense of guilt.
I was just as cruel to people who really didn't deserve it.
Lawndale High, the next day...
Music: "Confident" by Demi Lovato
Ultra Thompson is strutting through the halls. He's looks like he's on top of the world.
So Lauren got mad at me for making out with another girl. So what? I can get her back. I'm still the QB.
Determined, he walks right up to Lauren. She's at her locker.
"Hey, babe!"
Unimpressed, Lauren said "Didn't I dump your two-timing ass yesterday?"
Ultra said "I know, and I want you to know there are no hard feelings. I'm sorry I was fooling around with Lindsey."
Calming down, Lauren said "Oh! In that case, apology accepted."
Ultra said "Thanks, babe. Wanna ditch class and make out?"
Offended, Lauren said "Excuse me!? Just because I accept your apology doesn't mean we're back together."
Ultra said "Come on, babe. You're the head cheerleader and I'm the QB."
Lauren said "So?"
Ultra said "So, we should be together. It's, like, density or something."
Lauren said "I don't have to be with you just because you're the quarterback. It's not like you're Tommy Sherman."
Ultra said "Come on, babe. Cheerleaders are supposed to date football players."
Lauren said "And I do date football players. Just not you."
Before Ultra can say anything his best friend, Steve, approaches.
"There a problem, Laura?"
Laura said to Steve "No, babe."
Puzzled, Ultra said "Babe!?"
Steve said "Sorry, bro, but she dumped you."
Lauren said "Steve's my boyfriend now."
With that, Lauren and Steve kiss passionately. Ultra looks like he wants to vomit.
Lawndale High, afternoon...
Brittany is in the gym coaching a cheerleading practice. The girls all move in perfect unison as they chant.
"YOU KNOW WE CANT BE BEAT! WE'LL KNOCK THEM OFF THERE FEET! GOOOOOOOOOO LIONS!"
They finish by jumping and doing a mid air split in perfect unison. Brittany smiles proudly.
"Nice work, girls."
She looks at her watch.
"I think that's it for today. Hit the showers and I'll see you tomorrow."
As the cheerleaders start towards the locker room Brittany pulls Lauren aside.
"Lauren, can I talk to you for a moment?"
Lauren knows what this is about. With a resigned sigh, she said "Yes, Mrs. Thompson."
Brittany said "I heard you and Ultra broke up. I also heard you're now gowing out with Steve Vanderlind."
Lauren said "Are you mad at me? I know that Ultra's your son."
Brittany said "No, I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Why did you dump Ultra, and why are you now going out with his best friend?"
Lauren said "Can you keep a secret?"
Brittany said "Of course. After all, my husband still doesn't know about.."
She was about to mention Daryl but immediately thought better of it.
"...that I...um...ran over our cat...yeah, that's it."
Lauren decides to stick to the subject of Ultra.
"I still love him. I dumped him because he was cheating on me."
Brittany said "He's Kevie's son alright. Kevie used to cheat on me all the time in high school. He grew out of it eventually."
Lauren asked "Did you?"
Looking guilty, Brittany said "Yes." Under her breath, she added "...sort of."
Lauren admitted "I'm only going out with Steve to make Ultra jealous. I figure after a week or so Ultra will have learned his lesson. Then I'll dump Steve and get back with Ultra."
Brittany is very impressed. After all, there was that time she got back at Kevin by going to a dance with Robert.
A parking lot in front of a place called Wack Job's Bar and Grille, evening...
Jim, Quinn, Chuck, Stacy, Kevin, Brittany and all of their kids are going out to dinner. Sandi's also with them as both Quinn and Stacy feel she needs to get out more and insisted that they come. They choose Wack Job's because it's a popular teen hangout with a dance floor and the occassional live band. Quinn, Stacy and Brittany are huddled up away from the group.
Brittany said "Thanks for doing this."
Stacy said "No problem, Brit. It's a perfect way to take Ultra's mind off of things."
As they talk Chuck and Stacy's nine year old son, Chucky, walks by Ultra. With an expressionless face he looks at the teenager and speaks in his usual apathetic monotone.
"Your girlfriend dumped you."
Ultra looks ready to cry, which Stacy notices.
"Chucky," she scolded, "What did I tell you about saying hurtful truths?"
Chucky, still showing no emotion, said "Sorry."
The women resume their conversation.
"So," said Quinn, "Lauren's just trying to get back at Ultra for cheating on her."
Brittany nodded.
Quinn said "Maybe seeing Ultra with someone else will get her to see how stupid this is. So, the plan is we find a teenage girl who's Ultra's type and introduce them. This way, he gets over this and life can return to normal."
Brittany viciously said "That'll show Lauren. How dare she date my son's best friend just to get back at him."
Sandi said "Crafdy...hic...I mean Crafty."
The other women frown as they can smell the rum on Sandi's breath.
Inside, a short time later...
Brittany is walking through the crowd with a determined look on her face. From her POV it looks like when one sees the world through the Terminator's eyes. One girl, a teenage brunette with large (and fake) boobs catches Brittany's eys. The words "target acquired" appear beneath the girl. Cut back to third person as Brittany walks up to her.
"Hi, I'm Brittany. You're hot."
It definitely came out wrong as the girl gives Brittany a weird look.
"Look, lady, I don't swing that way."
With that, the girl walks away. Brittany, unaware that she sounded like she was coming on to the girl, looks confused.
Meanwhile, Jim and Sandi are on the dance floor. He would've rather danced with Quinn, but she was busy finding a girl to fix Ultra up with. Sandi, who's obviously drunk, steps on Jim's foot. Hard.
"OW!"
"Suh...urp...Sorry."
Jim said "Sandi, you're drunk!"
Sandi said "No I'm nod...hic...not."
She accidentally steps on Jim's foot again. He gives her a 'yeah, right' look.
"Hokay...urp...mebbe jus a lil."
Jim now REALLY wishes he was somewhere else.
"Ya know, I'd never do dat ta yas."
Jim asked "Do what?"
Sandi said "Dade anudder guy jus ta made u je...hic...jea...urp...jealous. I like yas."
Jim now feels really awkward.
Meanwhile, at the bar...
Quinn is having a soda when a beautiful teenage red head comes up to the bar and orders a drink.
"I'll have a lime soda."
Quinn notices the girl is wearing a T-shirt that says Oakwood Taproots on it.
"Excuse me, do you go to Oakwood High?"
The girl said "Yeah, I'm the head cheerleader."
Quinn thought Perfect. What better way to stick it to Lauren than by dating a cheerleader from a rival school.
The girl, meanwhile, suddenly recognizes Quinn.
"Ohmygod! You're the Smores 'n' Pores girl!"
Quinn said "Guilty as charged."
Now starstruck, the girl said "My name's Angela. Angela Chastain."
Shaking Angela's hand, Quinn said "Quinn Carbone, but I guess you already knew that."
Angela asked "What brings you here?"
Quinn said "My neighbor's son. He just got dumped. He's around your age. Would you like to meet him?"
Smiling, Angela said "Sure."
At this point, Jim comes up to the bar. He does not look happy as he now has a gross stain of greenish brown sludge on his shirt that reeks of Captain Morgan.
"Jim, what happened?"
Jim said "Sandi's totally wasted. She just tried to kiss me but puked on me instead."
Quinn looks at the dance floor. Sandi is drunkenly throwing herself at every person who comes within range.
Lawndale High, a few days later...
Music: "24 Karat Magic" by Bruno Mars
Ultra is strutting through the halls of Lawndale high. He visibly feels like he's on top of the world. He sees Lauren walking arm in arm with Steve. Ultra walks right up to the couple.
"Hey," he said.
Steve said "Ultra, she's my girlfriend now."
Ultra dismissively said "I know that, bro. I just wanted you two to know there are no hard feelings."
Lauren's jaw drops.
"How can you say that!? I dumped you for your best friend."
Ultra said "I decided to move on, just like you."
Lauren's eyes flash with jealousy. Ultra savors the moment.
"That's right," he said, "I have a new girlfriend."
Steve pats Ultra on the shoulder.
"Congratulations, dude."
Lauren said "But...but..."
In a condescending tone, Ultra said "What we had was nice but now I've moved on to someone better. Later."
With that, Ultra left. Lauren looks absolutely devastated. Steve puts an arm around her.
"I'm glad he's over you, babe.," he said, "Now we can all be friends again."
Pulling away, Lauren angrily said "I'm not your babe."
Stunned, Steve said "But...but..."
Lauren said "Steve, I want Ultra back."
Steve said "But you said..."
Lauren said "I was just trying to make Ultra jealous."
Steve now looks upset.
"You...you used me."
Lauren said "Yes, and now it's over. GET LOST!"
With that, she runs away crying.
Thompson house, evening...
Quinn is walking Stripe when she sees Brittany on the porch. She walks up to say hi.
"Hey, Brittany."
Brittany said "Hi, Quinn."
Quinn asked "How's Ultra?"
Before Brittany can answer a white Corvette pulls up to the curb. The driver steps out. It's Lauren.
"Is Ultra here?"
Brittany said "For your information, he's on a date with his new girlfriend."
Lauren looks devastated.
"I...I broke up with Steve. I was hoping to get back with Ultra."
Brittany coldly said "You should've thought about that before dating his best friend."
Lauren said "I told you I was just doing that to make Ultra jealous."
Quinn said "You know, Brittany, Ultra and Angela have only been on two dates. Maybe we should let Lauren try to make up with him."
Brittany said "He's not dating Angela."
Quinn's jaw dropped.
"WHAT!? Then who's his new girlfriend?"
Brittany said "I don't know. Ultra's bringing her here after the date so we can meet her."
Just then, a used white 1991 Trans Am pulls into the Thompsons driveway.
Brittany said "Here they are now."
Ultra comes out of the car. He immediately sees Lauren.
"Lauren!? What are you doing here?"
Lauren said "I broke up with Steve. I want you back, babe."
Ultra said "Sorry, but I've found someone else."
Lauren said "But we have so much history. We even lost our virginity to each other."
Quinn and Brittany both cringe at Lauren's admission that she and Ultra have been sexually active.
Ultra said "It's too late, Lauren. Let me introduce you all to my new girlfriend."
He opens the passenger door of his Trans Am. Out steps someone very familiar.
"Heyyy...Quiiinnn...III...didnn't...know...youu...kneww...Ullltraaa."
Yes, it's...
"TIFFANY!?" exclaimed Quinn.
Yes, it's Tiffany Blum-Deckler. Brittany and Lauren are both stunned speechless.
Tiffany said "Ullltraaa...kissss...meeee."
Ultra said "You got it, babe."
Ultra and Tiffany kiss passionately. He even grabs her ass for good measure. Quinn, Brittany and Lauren all react the same way.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Thompson house, evening...
Sixteen year old Ultra Thompson is making out in the driveway with Tiffany Blum-Deckler, his thirty-six year old girlfriend. This is occuring in front of Quinn, his mother Brittany and his sixteen year old ex, Lauren. Weird doesn't even begin to cover this situation.
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY SON, YOU...YOU...PEOPLEFILE!" Brittany shouted, obviously meaning to say 'pedophile', not 'peoplefile'. Ultra and Tiffany stop making out.
Quinn said "Tiffany, what the hell!?"
Tiffany said "Whaaaaat?"
Brittany said "Ultra, you're only sixteen!"
Ultra said "But Tiffany's hot."
Quinn said "Tiffany, you're old enough to be his mother."
Worried, Tiffany said "You...thinnnk...III...loooook...oooldd!?"
Quinn rolls her eyes. Of course Tiffany's too dense to get it. At this point Kevin, having heard all of the commotion, comes out of the house.
"Like, what's going on here?"
Brittany angrily said "Our son, our underage son, is dating Tiffany Blum-Deckler."
Visibly impressed, Kevin said "Ultra's dating a MILF!? Awessome!"
Tiffany asked "Whaat's...aaa...MIILFFFFF?"
Quinn and Brittany both let out exasperated sighs. Lauren gets right in Ultra's face.
"How could you do this to me!?" she asked almost hysterically.
Ultra said "You dumped me."
Lauren said "You were making out with another girl. I was only dating Steve to get back at you for cheating on me."
Ultra said "Well, now I've got a hot older woman."
Brittany said "Ultra, I forbid you to date Tiffany."
Ultra said "Mom, I'm sixteen."
Brittany said "This is just wrong. You're still a...What's that thing where the law says you're still a kid?"
Quinn said "A minor."
Ultra said "Tiffany's hot."
Quinn said "She's thirty six."
Brittany said "Yeah. This is salutory rape."
Quinn said "That's statutory, and only if they have sex. Also, the age of consent is sixteen in this state. But still?"
Ultra said "Come on, Tiff. Let's go."
Tiffany said "Ooookaaayyy."
With that, they get in Ultra's car and drive off. With tears in her eyes, Lauren runs toward her car. Quinn grabs her.
"LET ME GO!"
Quinn said "Look, you're too upset to drive right now. Why don't you come in to my house and calm down?"
Casa Carbone, a short time later...
Quinn and Lauren are at the kitchen table talking about the current situation.
"Why?" Lauren sobbed, "Why is...sniff...this...choke...happening?"
Quinn said "It'll be okay, Lauren."
Lauren shouted "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!? First, he cheated on me with Lindsey Martinez. Now, he's dating an older woman."
Quinn said "Are you sure you two can't work this out?"
Lauren said "I want to, but how?"
Quinn said "I've known Tiffany since my own freshman year. I think I can get her to dump Ultra. Then, you two can work things out."
Lauren said "You know, before all of this my life was perfect. I was the head cheerleader, I was dating the quarterback and I was one of the most popular girls in school. Now everythings out of control."
Quinn said "That's life. Nothing's ever under control. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function."
Lauren said "Why is this all happening to me?"
Quinn said "Because this kind of stuff happens to everyone. I know. I also know it'll get better. I don't know how, but it will. These things often work themselves out in the end."
Lauren said "B...But what if they don't?"
Quinn said "You may have lost Ultra, though that's not guaranteed just yet, but you still have everything else. You're still the head cheerleader. You're still attractive and popular. If you can't get Ultra back you still have a lot of good things going for you."
Lauren smiles.
"Thanks, Mrs. Carbone."
All Mart, the next day...
Tiffany is working at the jewelry counter. She's doing her makeup and using the glass case as a mirror.
"Thiis...glaaass...is...soooo...refleeektivvve."
Quinn immediately walks up to the counter. She looks determined.
"Tiffany, we need to talk."
Tiffany looked up.
"Heyyy...Quinnn."
Quinn said "Tiffany, why are you dating Ultra Thompson?"
Tiffany said "Heee...waas...inn...the...stoore...aand...aasked...meee...ouuut."
Quinn said "And you said yes?"
Tiffany said "Heee's...cuute."
Quinn said "He's sixteen."
Tiffany looks confused. Quinn tries to explain.
"You're thirty six."
Tiffany still looks confused. Quinn tries again.
"He's underage."
"Whaat?"
Quinn said "Remember that creepy sub, during the teacher strike?"
"Whooo?"
Quinn shakes her head.
"Tiffany, he's twenty years younger than you."
"Whaaat?"
Quinn said "He still lives with his parents."
"Whaaat?"
Quinn said "Look, just don't date him anymore."
"Whooo?"
Losing her patience, Quinn said "Ultra!"
Suddenly, a very handsome guy walks up to the counter.
"Hey, Tiffany."
Tiffany said "Youuu...knoow...myy...naaame?"
The guy said "Of course. I'm a regular customer."
Tiffany said "Caaan...I...heelp...youuu?"
The guy, who appears to be in his thirties, said "Actually, I was wondering if I could take you out sometime."
Tiffany said "Suure."
She gives him her address. He said "How does tomorrow night at seven sound?"
"Suuure."
"Great! I'll see you then."
As he leaves Tiffany said "Hee's...cuute."
Quinn asked "What about Ultra?"
Tiffany asked "Whooo?"
Quinn breathes a huge sigh of relief.
Lawndale High, two days later...
Lauren is getting her stuff out of her locker. She looks sad as she sees a picture of her and Ultra hugging and smiling.
I really should take this down.
She closes her locker and sees Ultra actually standing there.
"Hey, Lauren. Can we talk?"
Lauren said "Sure."
Ultra said "Tiffany ditched me for some other guy."
Lauren, trying to sound sincere, said "I'm sorry."
Ultra said "I'm not. I was thinking of dumping her anyway."
Suddenly hopeful, Lauren said "Really!?"
Ultra said "Yeah. I mean, yeah, she was hot but my parents pointed out that by the time I'm in the NFL she's gonna be all old and crusty. Kinda freaked me out."
Lauren said "I shouldn't have dumped you for Steve. I was just mad at you for making out with Lindsey."
Ultra said "I'm really sorry about that. I...Well, I want you back. You're, like, the best thing that ever happened to me."
Lauren said "I love you, Ultra."
Ultra said "I love you too, babe."
With that, they kissed. When the kiss ends Lauren said "Let's never fight again."
Thompson house, evening...
Quinn and Jim are on the porch talking with Kevin. Kevin said "So, like, now Ultra and Lauren are back together."
Quinn said "Thank God."
Jim said "Yeah. A sixteen year old dating a thirty six year old is just to weird even for me."
Just then, Ultra comes out of the house.
Kevin said "What's up, Ultra?"
Ultra said "I've got a date with Lauren tonight."
Just then, Lauren pulls up in her car. Ultra runs toward the passenger side door.
"Catch ya later." he said.
Kevin said "Have fun, you two."
Jim added "But not too mutch fun."
Inside the car, Ultra and Lauren kiss before heading off.
Kevin said "I'm glad they're back together. I mean, it was kinda cool that he got an older woman to date him, but Brit's right. He's too young for Tiffany."
Quinn said "Glad you finally saw the light of reason."
Kevin said "Yeah. I'll, like, never stand for that kind of funny business in my house."
As if on cue, Daryl can be seen sneaking out a window. Kevin, of course, doesn't notice.
End.
Next Time
Quinn and Jim hire an assistant who has a dirty secret in her past.