A/N: At long last, a Campfire about The Tok'ra. This was another difficult one to write, in terms of finding a good shippy moment (or two). There are some, but it makes it hard when they're smack in the middle of an episode with...well, no campfires! I found I had a real problem in this episode, Jack 'we don't leave our people behind' O'Neill left both Carters behind!
Set after The Tok'ra I and II on a planet and mission of my own choosing. As always, feedback is valued and always answered. Enjoy.
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Balance
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O'Neill studied Carter from across the fire, taking in her tired features and the stress showing around her eyes. Just the fact that he was able to watch her, to study her face, spoke volumes to him. She'd returned from setting up their tent and, rather than taking her usual seat next to him, she'd instead chosen to sit next to Daniel. In fact, O'Neill realized, his Second had made a point of staying out of his line of sight most of the day. Now that he thought about it, it dawned on him that he hadn't spent more than five minutes alone with Carter since they'd returned home from the Tok'ra base. They'd nearly finished their debrief with Hammond when Carter had been paged to the science labs. He'd missed her after that and only seen her this morning for the hastily prepared briefing they'd had before departing for beautiful M4X-298, their current assignment.
Jack uncrossed his legs and pushed himself to his feet, heading to their tent. The damp chill of this incredibly large moon seemed to seep right into his bones. He ducked inside and grabbed his jacket, hesitating for just a second before grabbing Carter's too. She might be avoiding him but she'd need her jacket before long, whether she knew it or not.
He turned back to the fire, stopping just at the edge of the darkness and simply watching his team interact. Daniel was scribbling in his journal and Teal'c was eating his dinner. Carter...Jack shook his head. She was simply gazing into the campfire, her expression grim and her eyes troubled. She occasionally glanced away and back toward their tent, apparently unable to see him beyond the edge of the firelight. God, he'd been furious when she'd defied him and insisted on staying behind. Furious and, he grimaced as he admitted it to himself, terrified. He flashed back to that moment in Selmak's quarters.
- -
Garshaw pleaded with Martouf, her voice shaking. She'd been betrayed twice in the last few days and was now faced with the possibility of losing another of her friends. "I cannot allow you to die in this way. We must leave now!"
Carter looked down at her dad again–he was still so pale and frighteningly still–then up at Garshaw. She carefully avoided Colonel's O'Neill's eyes. "I'll stay."
The Tok'ra leader shook her head. "You are even more vulnerable since you contain the memories of Jolinar! I cannot allow you to stay. We must go now!"
O'Neill, his gaze never wavering from his Second's, fought the urge to simply reach forward, grab Carter's arm, and drag her from the cavern. He deliberately kept his voice low and even, schooling his features to betray none of the turmoil he was feeling. "She's right, Captain. We have to go."
"With respect, no, Sir. I am not leaving him here."
Carter's words shocked him to the core. By-the-book Captain Sam Carter had just openly defied his order. The worst part was that he would do the same if he were in her shoes. Boots. Whatever.
Martouf glanced between O'Neill and Carter, barely hiding the triumphant flash in his eyes. "Captain Carter and I will both remain. I will assure that we will not be taken by the Goa'uld."
"Please, Colonel. I need to be here."
O'Neill held Carter's gaze for a long moment, before finally nodding slightly, holding tightly to his emotions. "Right." Grimly he turned away, shutting Carter out in his anger. "Daniel? Teal'c? Let's go." He tried not to notice Carter's slight wince at his biting tone and his clear disappointment in her.
- -
Daniel snapped his journal closed, startling Jack out of thoughts. Daniel yawned and rose, muttering his goodnights to Sam and Teal'c and walked toward the tent he shared with the Jaffa. Blinded by the light of the fire, he nearly ran into Jack.
"Oh! Sorry, Jack, didn't see you. Night."
"'s okay, Daniel. Good night." Jack patted the archaeologist on the shoulder as he passed, watching as he stumbled slightly. They were all tired, they'd covered more than thirty miles in their trek from the gate and tomorrow looked to be an even longer day, trying to catch up with SG-7.
Jack saw Sam look up at their conversation, then just as quickly look away. He shook his head in frustration and stepped forward, draping her jacket across her shoulders. "Here, Carter. You're gonna need this."
Startled, she met his eyes, her wide blue gaze captured by his own. Jack simply stood there, his eyes steadily on hers, willing her to not look away. She held his gaze until Teal'c rose and gathered his things, preparing to take the first watch of the night.
"Goodnight Captain Carter, O'Neill."
"Goodnight, Teal'c."
"Night Teal'c. See you in a few hours"
"Indeed, O'Neill. A pleasant rest to you."
Jack waited until Teal'c stepped out of the light of the fire before settling himself next to Carter. She glanced at him uncertainly before sliding her arms into the sleeves of her jacket and returning her attention to the fire. Grabbing a stick, Jack poked at the burning logs, coaxing the flames higher to fight the rising dampness of the night. He could feel the tension between them and he didn't like it. It felt again as it had when he'd been waiting for her to come through the gate yesterday.
- -
O'Neill forced himself to stop pacing, stopping at the base of the ramp and determinedly gripping the rail. He tried not to be too obvious, but found that he couldn't keep his eyes from constantly straying to the gate. Where the hell was Carter? Damn, he never should have left. What happened to 'we don't leave our people behind' Jack? Flew right out the window when a certain blonde uttered the word 'please.'
Damn it.
He grimaced as Garshaw explained that Martouf would destroy the compound to prevent their capture by the Goa'uld. Martouf. Daniel told him what he'd found when he'd tracked Sam down outside. Dirty little desert rat.
The gate tech's voice echoed through the room, cutting through the wailing siren that signaled an open wormhole. "Still no SG-1 signal, Sir."
Jack was on the verge of demanding the wormhole be shut down so he could dial out when the tech announced that she was receiving Carter's GDO signal. He barely stopped himself from running up the ramp to help Carter up following her tumble through the gate, satisfying himself with giving her a quick once-over to be sure she was okay.
- -
Carter's soft sigh pulled O'Neill from his thoughts and he studied her for a moment. He opened his mouth to speak, but she beat him to it.
"Colonel, I'd...I need to apologize. For yesterday." Carter ducked her head and swallowed, still studiously ignoring his gaze. "Not only did I defy your orders, Sir, but I did so publicly." She took a deep breath, then determinedly faced him. "I...I've been waiting all day for you to say something, but...well, Sir. I understand if you want me reassigned."
Nothing Carter could have said would have shocked Jack more. Reassigned? Why the hell would he...? "Do you want to be reassigned, Captain?"
"No! I mean, no, Sir. I don't. I love being on SG-1 with...ah, I love being on the team, Colonel."
"Then why are we talking about reassignment?" Jack could think of a few reasons, but he doubted his jibed with this brilliant young Captain's. Besides, whatever reasons he might have entertained would never outweigh the good they did as a team.
"Ah, I just assumed, Colonel, that after yesterday..." Carter trailed off, dropping his gaze and returning hers to the fire. She halfheartedly poked at it with her own stick, idly watching the small embers fly up into the night.
Jack zipped his jacked closed and tucked one hand into his pocket, the other fiddling with the tab on his zipper. "Look, Carter. I'll admit that I was pretty...frosted...that you–once again–chose to do things your own way, but I'm the last guy who'd ever slap an officer down for not wanting to leave someone behind." He hesitated, then laid his hand on her arm, stilling her movements. "I really, if it comes down to it, owe you an apology."
Carter quickly turned to him, her mouth dropping open in surprise. "No, Colonel. You don't."
"I do. You defied my order to avoid leaving a man behind, regardless of whether it was your father. I, however, chose to leave you. Leave you both." Jack shook his head, removing his hand and sliding it into his jacket pocket for warmth. He still couldn't believe he'd done it, left not one, but two members of his team, two people who were his responsibility, behind. That one of them was Carter...what the hell had he been thinking? Carter's hand on his arm pulled him from his self flagellation.
Her voice soft, Carter was uncharacteristically tentative as she reached out to him. "Colonel? I...I hadn't even thought...oh God. I can't believe I put you in that situation. I'm so sorry, Sir."
"Oh, for cryin' out loud, Carter. Who's apologizing to whom, here?"
As he'd intended, Carter chuckled softly, her smile warming his heart in ways he simply refused to acknowledge. She squeezed his arm gently before letting go and tucking her hand into her own pockets. "I guess we both are, Colonel."
"Guess so." Jack blew out a breath and continued. "Tough decisions come with the job, Carter. Sometimes you have to choose. The trick is to make things work in your favor, up the odds. It's all a balancing act."
They sat together in silence, listening to the sounds of the night around them. Finally Carter shivered, moving slightly closer to O'Neill, so that their shoulders touched. He sat very still, unwilling to move and lose this miniscule contact with her. These brief moments of connection were all they had and O'Neill savored each one. He knew this moment wouldn't last, the dampness was becoming more prevalent as night wore on. They'd have to turn in soon, have to resume their duties.
Carter's voice was soft as she asked quietly, "It's difficult, isn't it? Sir."
Somehow he knew she wasn't talking about her disobeying his orders, or his choice to leave her and her father on the Tok'ra base. No, this was about that balancing act that they seemed to be constantly maintaining. Duty versus...desire. Need. Want. All balanced precariously by a shared unshakeable belief in what was right, in what needed to be sacrificed for the greater good. He felt Carter lean slightly into him and he returned the motion, knowing as he did so that he moved them both closer to that shifting line in the sand. Finally he nodded, his answer equally soft, "Yes, Carter, it is. Moreso every day"
She nodded, her attention still on the fire. "For me, too." A long beat passed before she added, softly, "Sir." After another moment Carter pulled her knees up and wrapped her arms around them for warmth. She rested her cheek on her knees, her face now shrouded in shadows. Her voice, when it reached him, was soft. So soft that Jack almost missed it. "It's worth it, though."
Carter's words filled a long-empty hold in Jack's soul and he felt a smile steal across his face. He kept his eyes firmly on the fire, fearing that if he met her gaze, if they spoke the words aloud while face-to-face, the magic would be broken. All the plates would fall, the balancing act shattered beyond recovery. Finally, very softly, he murmured, "It is."
They sat in silence, each lost in their thoughts and the implications of what had–and had not–been said. Finally Carter yawned and stretched before rising gracefully to her feet. "Goodnight Colonel, and..." Carter paused, waiting until his eyes met hers. "...thank you."
Jack held her gaze searchingly, wanting to be certain everything was all right between them. Needing her to be certain. "Are we okay, Carter?"
"Yes, we are."
And they were.