Trigger Warnings for this chapter: Depression, Mental Health Issues, Starvation, Acute Panic Attacks, Suicide, Disassociation, and Abortion (Not in detail and more of an ambiguous indication) (Pro-Life people turn back now!) (but lets not get into politics, please)
Law let out a heavy sigh, allowing himself to slump boneless onto his cluttered desk. For once, he deigned to leave the blinds open, and, because of their shallow mooring, his room was bathed in the fluctuating blue of the ocean's calm. The sight outside his large bedroom window was breathtaking, with large rainbow parrotfish over two feet long coming to inspect the yellow intrusion into their maritime world. The light reflected off the water and decorated his bedroom in a surreal dance of mismatched patterns, but Law was too exhausted to admire either the view or his environment. Apathy had wormed into his marrow, and he could care less about small wonders.
Coupled with the anhedonia his depression brought him, apathy dealt a fatal blow to his fragile cycle of self-care. His room had become filthier, with half-eaten plates swarmed with ants in the corners, and dirty clothes littering the muddled floor. It heaped up to his calves, and wading to the door had become more of a chore. Work was meaningless to him, and the charts and books upon which he rested his weary head had collected a fine layer of dust in his absence. It had been two weeks since he had last sat at his desk, and the chair under him was crusted with some dried substance.
Bepo could no longer enter with how foul it smelled, leaving Penguin and Shachi to don face masks when they checked on him. He himself was unaware of the scent festering in his room, even though he could register the damp cloy of the air as mold collected in the nooks and crannies.
Law went days without showering, something he hadn't done since he was a teen on the streets. His hair was matted with grease and his skin felt like it was layered in sweat and dirt. All the makeup and deodorizers on the market couldn't conceal his malnourishment. The sallow of his skin and the depression of his cheekbones had his crew whispering worries when he thought he was out of range, and the two pirate groups they had dismantled hadn't recognized him until it was too late.
Law tucked his knees beneath him as his gut writhed. He let out a whine and dug his nails into the flesh of his arms against the pangs of hunger. He body was starving itself, as anything he put in his system came back up without fail. To prevent himself from fainting at inopportune times, he had taken to intravenously feeding himself before daybreak. But it was not enough to keep his stomach at bay.
He whimpered in the confines of his solitude, dragging his cheek along the dusty cover of Mummification Skills of Alabastan Embalmers. The action disturbed the layer of silt and had him choking on air in seconds, rearing back and clutching at his chest. The violent motion tipped his chair off balance, and in an instant the world tipped upwards and the wind was suddenly gone from his lungs. His back flared up in pain and his eyes watered as he fought for air, gasping helplessly. When he remembered how to breathe he wheezed for relief.
His windpipe burned and his eyes blurred with unbidden tears. Law felt like a child again, scared and vulnerable. He was hurting, he was hungry, he was tired and dirty, and above all he was alone in his agony. He forced himself to roll stiffly off the chair and into the small mountains of garbage, settling his face against a bloodstained shirt. His temple rested atop a stiff patch of dried blood, and his nose was hit with the faded scent of iron.
In his weakened state, disposing of the last pirate crew was too much for him to handle. They were a local band of middle-tier looters set on raiding their submarine, and Law arrived late to the party. Caught up in scouring the believed-to-be uninhabited island for medicinal herbs, he was left to ambush the ambush. Even being given the upper hand hadn't been enough to temper his feeble body, and he had received several lacerations for his half-baked efforts. Though he had sealed the wounds closed with his power by the time he returned to safety of his room, he was too exhausted to use his powers to repair the damage to his clothes.
He stared with half lidded eyes at a rotting apple wedged between a discarded boot and a wadded napkin. The sugared flesh had withered brown and white as green mold had frothed alone the edges of the single bite mark. He couldn't hold down much more than a few bites of an apple on the best days. He was well aware what it looked like to the few in his informed circle, but the only one of the trio who accosted him was Penguin.
...Are you...pregnant? Penguin had asked, wringing his hat in nervous hands.
No, I am not. He had replied, his voice steady despite the tense atmosphere.
He had lied.
He resisted the urge to rest his hands on his toned stomach. There was no reason he should be affectionate or protective over something he refused to keep. He knew his decision, and had no qualms about the matter other than it would dredge up memories he loathed to visit. He was putting off the inevitable to stave the further degradation of his sanity. He was already a man on a slippery slope of depression and self-harm, and then he had to fall into the grubby hands of human traffickers. If it had only been a case of sexual abuse he could take a few weeks of serious despair and then get back into his swing of negative emotions without much of a drop in his abilities. Naturally, things were never simple with a body like his. If precautions weren't taken, he would get pregnant. It was a fact he had to live with, nailed to the back of his brain like a putrefying taunt.
It was what made him the perfect reproductive machine, after all.
He had any number of vials handy in the confines of his cabinets that would deal with his unwanted resident without the waterworks. Even if he didn't do anything, his own bad habits would take care of the problem within the next week or so. But he'd rather it not come to that. No, it had to be by his own decision.
He had to be the one to make the choice and nothing else, not even his own body.
But that was what made it so difficult, because it would remind of the times when it had not been his choice. Of the times when decisions were made about his body without his consent.
Without his knowledge.
Of the times when he had been treated less than human.
As an object.
He grit his teeth and willed his tears to stop, knowing it would just cascade into a tantrum if he let himself break down just yet. Today was the day he was going to push through this and get his life back on schedule. But he was scared, oh so very terrified. His mental barriers were blocking out those dreadful memories to protect him, and now in order to complete his objective he had to unlock the doors to his personal hell.
I can do this...
...
...
...
... in another hour...
Law fished blindly for the snail he knew was taking advantage of the abandoned sheets of lettuce lost in the debris, and let out a triumphant huff when fingers skimmed a smooth shell. The snail knew when he was needed, and slid obediently up his arm with adoring eyes aimed at his master. Law's stomach turned momentarily in the comparison, before patting the snail's shell appreciatively.
"Thank you, you're being a huge help here." The snail merely nuzzled his hand in response with moisten eye-stalks, and Law chuckled at the open display of affection. Den den mushi were victims too, in his opinion, taken from the wild to be used by humans indiscriminately. Most people treated them like furniture and slammed their receivers too hard, creating imbalances in their chemistry and disrupting their digestive systems. Many mushi-activists asserted the government lied to public with claims it was a mutually beneficial relationship between humans and snails, and Law had to agree. With the way the snails acted to simple acts of kindness proved they were mistreated, and here he was once again reminded how innocent and childlike the small creatures could be.
The demons of his past giggled in his brain at the treacherous word, scratching at his back and stroking his belly. Law quickly picked up the receiver and dialed Eustass Kidd's number without hesitation, closing his eyes and willing his anxiety away. I need a distraction, Eustass-ya. So please, please pick up I need-
"Yo."
The familiar voice filled him with warmth, and brought back images of a soothing embrace and a sympathetic ear. His emotions in flux, tears filled his throat.
"Hello Eustass-ya." He felt so foolish, calling his enemy for comfort, but that sleep he had in the man's arms had been the best he ever had. Never mind the sedatives and the exhaustion added to the mix.
"You don't sound so good. Did you get what fucking Heat got after drinking at that last island? What the hell was it called...something fucking stupid...Basket Island?"
"Casket Island."
"Shut up, don't fucking correct me!"
"My apologizes Eustass-ya. I was under the impression you would want to avoid looking ignorant in front of your own subordinates but if you insist..."
"Fuck off, Trafalgar."
"Ah~, you wound me, Eustass-ya."
"..."
"..."
"So...I assumed you called for a reason, yeah? What's up?"
"..."
"What's wrong, Trafalgar? Do you want us to meet up somewhere, because, I mean, it's not like I have anything better to do what with Heat puking out his guts and our log pose not calibrated. We're docked at Nummett Island, by the way, finally we hit an island on a different route from you guys. It's been weird seeing you guys everywhere, but we got our share of adventure so it's all good."
"..."
"Law I'm serious, we can meet whenever. You wanna talk over the phone? I'm in my room and it's basically soundproofed."
"..."
"..."
"Why are you being so kind to me?" Law whimpered, pressing the heel of his palm against aching lids until white spots sparked within the black. He was hiccuping back sobs without success, his mind grasping at straws as he drowned.
"Are you fucking stupid?! I already told you, didn't I? I'm a decent person, dammit! Just because you've met a bunch of scumbags doesn't mean I'm automatically one of them, you know? I listened to you before, and I have no problem doing so again."
"...Are you sure you aren't doing this to soothe a guilty conscience?"
"What? Sure I feel guilty about not being able to do anything but I'm listening because I care dammit!"
"Why?"
"Again with this?"
"There is no logical reason why you should be willing to listen to me without some sort of gain on your end. Just because we relate on a few points doesn't mean you and I are good friends, Eustass-ya. Just because you...just because you were kind to me once doesn't mean you'll always be so selfless and I-shit! Why did I even call? Fucking hell!" Law gnawed at his knuckles to stave off another bout of crying, his head throbbing with congestion and unshed tears. If anything, calling had made his hormones go haywire, and he was doing nothing for his poor frayed nerves.
"Fuck, fucking hell please don't say that and don't hang up! If you hang up now I'm going to have to go and see if you're alright or I won't be able to sleep tonight."
Law chuckled mirthlessly. He wouldn't come for me. He doesn't care at all. I should just hang up I should just...
"I'm pregnant."
The words tumbled from his lips without preamble, and he felt as if he had been dropped from a tower.
"..."
"..."
"...Oh. O-Oh shit, oh shit that's bad um-"
Eustass Kidd's voice flooded the line with static as he dropped something in the background, but Law was too busy having a panic attack to notice. The world seemed far away as he hyperventilated in his small corner of sanity, chest heaving and pectorals straining in pain with the effort. Everything's over. Why did I say that I'm going to die. Yes, this it is, I'm going to die- Law scrambled onto an uneven surface of his trash mounds and tipped to the side, landing face first in damp papers. Kidd's voice grew louder somewhere in the real world, while Law scrambled desperately into his bed, leaving the distraught snail somewhere in the filth.
Under the covers he could pretend to be a child in his family's home. Yes, he was six and he could huddle in blankets at the sound of thunder if he wanted too. Lami wouldn't mind if he brought her into bed to cuddle, it wasn't like he needed the comfort or anything. His face was wet and something smelled like urine. Was he crying? Did he wet the bed? Mother would be angry with him. Father would probably hit him again. No, no it was the alcohol from the papers. He was twenty-four years old. His name was Trafalgar Water D. Law. He was born on October sixth. His family was dead but never buried. He was currently three and half weeks pregnant and Eustass Kidd was yelling at him from his lap.
No, he looked down, blinking furiously against the burn of rum, at the frantic snail crawling up his thigh. He felt as if he had just broken the surface of the ocean, the sheet around him flickering with the reflections from his window, his lungs filling with clear, filtered air.
"Oi! Trafalgar?! If you're doing drugs again I'm gonna be pissed!" Irate copper eyes glared at him sightlessly, the decorative hat nowhere to be seen.
"Ah," Law swallowed, his tongue thick and raw in his mouth. "I-I'm fine, Eustass-ya."
"Like hell you are!" The surgeon winced at the man's shout, and gently curled his fingers under the snail to bring it to eye level. The sheet surrounding him slid off slowly, and he was sure his hair looked quite the mess. At least he can't see me...
"Alright, Eustass-ya, I'm not fine." He had to fight to get the words to flow, and his chest ached terribly. "I'm pregnant and suicidal and not fine at all."
Copper eyes narrowed.
"You better not be trying to kill yourself."
"No, not yet."
"NOT EVER!"
Law blinked, the snail doing the same as it momentarily reverted back to its own mentality, eyes wobbling from the shriek echoing out of the receiver.
"Volume, Eustass-ya. We wouldn't want your den den mushi coming down with another cold so soon."
"Yeah, well, don't do anything stupid."
"Far from it, I consider myself a highly intellectual individual with no comical points whatsoever."
"Yeah, yeah, I saw those fucking polar bear underwear you dweeb so don't even think about lying."
Heat rose from the back of the neck to color the tips of his ears. His eyes darted to the pair of monochrome panties he had partially tucked beneath a stack of manila folders. His underwear were the only feminine articles of clothing his body 'required' him to wear. Briefs had too much extra room and the overlap of boxers under his jeans drove him mad. Just because he enjoyed the 'cuter' side of undergarments didn't make him any less of a man. Neither did his taste in shoewear and jewelry, others' opinions be damned.
"Well, I believe we have reached an impasse, Eustass-ya."
"Indeed."
Laughter bubbled in Law's chest at the absurdity of the situation. This man had no filter, and yet his mind was as sharp as a tac.
It was refreshing to be able to converse with someone who could hold their own in conversation.
"Trafalgar...do you have a plan? I mean, do you know what you want to do about...you know..."
It was all he needed to sober up, and the harsh reality descended once more.
"Yes. I won't keep it. I have no qualms about terminating it. At this point its nothing but a cluster of cells and I'm not one to preach about the importance of souls, or such nonsense."
There was silence on the other line, in which Law feared he had let too much of his own beliefs slip through.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"I mean, that's what you want to do, yeah? I don't see anything wrong with that. It's your body, Trafalgar. You should do what you want with it."
Ah, Law brought the back of his hand to his mouth, swallowing thickly around the knot in his throat.
Too kind to me.
If Eustass knew what he was doing to Law's heart, perhaps he would no longer be as accommodating. But maybe he's just nice...He found himself wanting to tell Eustass everything. More than just an insipid monologue. But truly sympathetic individuals were hard to come by, in Law's opinion, and he refused to let his newest companion leave him for something as trivial as his own need for comfort.
"Thank you, but I'd rather put it off as long as possible. So talk to me. About anything. Anything at all."
"..."
"Please distract me, Eustass-ya. I-" His throat closed as the sobs returned, and he shut his eyes tightly to hold the pressure back. He was losing control of himself. He would never act so desperately otherwise. How disgraceful, Cora would turn his nose up at his antics.
"Alright, so this island, Nummett, has these indigenous people who are just insane! Well, first of all, the place looked completely deserted when we first docked. We thought it was just gonna be a rest stop, but the second we docked these savages come running out of the forest- which was made entirely of corn stalks, I shit you not- butt naked. So these naked people are running at us screaming something none us could understand but they keep pointing at the volcano-this is a volcanic island, by the way- and try to climb onto the ship! So we pull out, naturally, and the crew wants to fight them but I don't see the point when these people don't seem to be attacking us or have weapons of any kind. And then the volcano decides to erupt and the natives are all swimming after our boat as their whole island basically goes up in flames and I swear one guy was still on the beach with his hands in the air like he was praising the eruption! Half the crew is laughing their ass off because, I mean, you know our streak of bad luck has just been awful these last three islands, and the other half is trying to keep the natives from scratching the paint job."
Law giggled softly, eyes bright with amusement at Kidd's avid storytelling.
"Priorities, after all."
"Of course. So anyway, there's these popping noises and when I look up I see the island literally erupt with popcorn! Popcorn! I thought it was snowing at first, but when the islanders started to eat it I realized it wasn't So apparently, the islanders actually speak our language and were screaming at us to get out of the blast zone of what is this annual festival attributed to the gods of corn, or something. It was like the day when the gods gave them popcorn...and destroyed half their island with lava, but apparently the popcorn made that alright. It was actually pretty tasty, though there were a couple burnt pieces that were absolutely nasty."
"So you're still there?"
"Of course we're still here! Free popcorn motherfucker! It's plain and we don't have enough salt for everyone but dammit it all we're going to stay here until we have more than enough to travel with! Blaire's actually in the crow's nest right now, swimming in snacks! I have bucket of it here next to me, listen!"
Law doesn't bother hiding his smile as a crunching noise resounds through the speaker.
"I see you've got yourselves a lazy day ahead of you. Are you going to explore the island or just move on once you've stored up?"
"Probably move on, I mean, there's so much popcorn that when I tried going onshore it came up to my waist for at least five meters. I don't see a reason to continue, and there's still lava around so I wouldn't test my newfound luck."
"I see. The few maps I've been able to procure of this section of Grand Line aren't detailed at all, but it looks like we will be parting ways from here on out."
"Yeah, but at least we'll be able to have unique adventures from now on."
"I'm sure you'd be able to do that even if we were nearby, to be honest. You seem like the kind of man who gets into trouble with earnest."
"Oh, shove it."
"What an elaborate comeback, Eustass-ya. I can see your IQ points dropping from here."
"I wouldn't be talking if I were you. I saw you picking apart your sandwich on that pier. Too good for bread, huh?"
"Bread is disgusting, Eustass-ya, and my preferences are my own. I happen to enjoy a variety of culinary dishes. Just because I prefer not to consume a leaven form of flour-and-water-based-dough does not mean I have dysfunctional palate."
"Oh yeah? What kind of foods do you like?"
"I prefer seafood to anything else, mostly grilled fish and onigiri. I enjoy heated dishes, such as soups and stews, and also have a preference for dishes involving rice."
"...That's not the most varied of palates, even though I wouldn't call it dysfunctional..."
"Oh? What do you enjoy eating, then?"
"Anything sweet, really."
"So, desserts."
"Pretty much, yeah. But I like my red meat like anyone else."
"Fair enough."
"Mmh."
Their conversation relaxed into a comfortable exchange of otherwise useless information. Law found himself growing increasingly sleepy as he listened to the deep baritone of the other male's voice. His anxiety was almost nonexistent, and the last thing on his mind was the impending procedure.
"When I was seven my mother spent all of her savings on a strawberry shortcake, and the next time I was able to afford it was five years later. It's my favorite taste in the world."
Law perked at the information. He wanted to know more about the red-haired anomaly, but never expected the man to voluntarily bring up his family. He hadn't missed the man's apprehension in his clinic when asked about his heritage. His malice for his father had been palpable, and Law wanted to know if they shared more in that department other than obvious distaste.
"It sounds like she was happy to make sacrifices for you. She sounds like a wonderful parent."
His own parents never gave him affection if it hadn't been hard won through good grades, and even then they were praising his genes rather than his achievements.
"...She sacrificed...a lot, for me...shit, I really hate talking about my mom. Most of the time I try to keep her out of my head. What about you?"
"What?"
"Do you have any specific techniques you do to keep your unpleasant history out of your mind?"
"...I don't exactly have a good answer for that, Eustass-ya, when I am a man living solely in the past. I am the worst person you could ask for advice, in anything unrelated to my field of work."
"Is that...the whole reason you even came out here?"
"..."
"Law are you going for the One Piece or not?"
"..."
"Dammit Law, don't you fucking ha-
Law ended the call with a heavy expression, a weariness sunken into the grooves beneath his eyes. His body had grown cold in the silence, the soothing warmth of the other man's presence gone with a single gesture of Law's weakness. Despite the beauty of the turquoise world filtering through his window, his room felt void of life without Eusstass' voice.
Cracking his spine as he stretched out on the bed, Law decided to take a nap before doing anything else. Eustass had given him plenty of material for an enjoyable dream. All he had to do was pray Doflamingo didn't decide to show up instead.