Elecman - When is there going to be another crossover parody. We actually liked those...
MSX - I got rid of them.
Elecman - What?!
MSX - Hey, I got something better instead! An 'All' parody!
RPN: 104
Parody: Children of the Corn
Tribute: n/a
Cast: All
(As the parody opens, a cornfield is shown. MSX picks up the DVD remote, clicks a button, and his jaw drops.)
MSX - What?! No subtitles?! -growl- Note to self: massacre... -looks at back of case- ...Fritz Kiersch's friends! That'll teach 'im! -mad laughter-
(After several scenes of empoty farmland, a window appears with 'Corn Drought And The Lord' on it. The camera looks up into Heaven.)
Corn Drought - Got any sixes?
God - Go fish.
Corn Drought - Damn...
(People begin walking out of church as a younger Vent appears.)
Vent - -narrating- It was about three years ago. I was the only kid in church that day, mainly because all the other kids didn't trust the Catholic priest. I didn't know why, nor did my dad. Afterwards, we went to Fat Tony's, as always. My mom was at home with Aile becuase she'd come down with hydrophobie real sudden, so the first thing he did was go and call my mom.
Grey - I'm going to call your mother.
Vent - -narrating- See? That's when I saw Middy. He looked at me real creepy...
(Middy turns to Vent and raises an eyebrow, causing Vent to shudder.)
Vent - -narrating- ...guess their meeting with Allouette was over...
(Allouette looks at Middy through the window and slowly nods. Middy slowly nods as well and Techno locks the door. Suddenly, a bunch of old people start choking and the trio begin killing everyone. Grey runs towards Vent, but the trio kill him. After they leave, Vent looks around.)
Vent - Better finish my shake. -continues drinking-
Vent - -narrating- That's when Aile started drawing these pictures.
(Haunting music begins playing as several pictures involve the worship of Barney, Mr. Rogers, Big Bird, and the Teletubbies are shown. The scene changes to the inside of a hotel room where Alia uses an airhorn next to X's ear. He reflexively punches her out and rolls over. When he wakes up, Alia has a black eye and a cupcake with a candle in it.)
Alia - Make a wish.
(X blows it out.)
Alia -What'd you wish for?
X - More sleep. -rolls over- Would you look at that... -falls asleep-
(She hands him a turd in a box, then smiles.)
Alia - You know what we need? -turns on Baby's Got Back and begins singing along-
(They embrace on the bed as someone knocks.)
Ahnold - Sarah Conner?
Alia - Uh... No?
Ahnold - Oh... Okay. Thank you. -leaves-
(Elsewhere, an older Vent and Aile run into a barn with Girouette.)
Vent - -narrating- I wasn't scared.
Vent - I'm scared.
Vent - -narrating- Well, I wasn't that scared...
Vent - I've never been so scared in my life...
Vent - -narrating- Work with me...
Grio - You'll be fine just as long as Allouette doesn't find those drawings you've made. Or that boombox.
Aile - I gotta get my daily dose of Crue, man. So quit'cha bitchin'.
Giro - Fine. Just don't tell anyone that I'm gone okay.
Aile/ Vent - Okay.
Giro - Cross your hearts and hope to die.
Vent - I'll cross my heart, but that last part seems kind of... over-the-top...
Giro - Say it or you'll burn on the lake of fire for eternity.
Aile - We've got a name for that you know. It's called Hell.
Vent - Yeah. You're older, but we're smarter. So get going.
Giro - Fine!
(After a while, haunting music starts playing again as Giro looks at corn with an unnatural level of fear. Suddenly, someone sneaks up behind him and kills him.)
Someone - Shank!
Giro - -gets shanked- Oh noes! -dies-
(A car with no passengers is driving down the road.)
Alia - Oh yeah! -gets in car with X-
(Alia looks at a map just as X hits Giro.)
X - Let me see. -looks at Alia's head- Head cancer. Nothing serious.
(X flips Giro over, comforts Alia, watches her walk back to the car, then turns around to see that Giro's body has flipped back onto its' stomach.)
X - ...the hell?
(Someone watches X from the cornfield. He pulls a stalk of corn in front of his eyes, waits a few seconds, then puts it back to its' originmal position.)
Someone - I've seen enough...
(Just as Someone is sneaking up behind Alia to kill her, she wakes up in a cold sweat.)
Alia - -screaming- Cliche!! Cliche!!
Vent - -narrating- AIle and I used to play in our old house a lot. Middy said it was forbidden, but that's because I think that it was because no one had ever asked him to play.
Aile - -joins in- Yeah, it's not like the kid's crazy or anything.
Vent - -mumbling- Shut up and let me narrate.
Aile - What if Alouette gets a 'Get out of jail free' card?
Vent - -tosses cards into air- What card?
(A knife slams down in the middle of the board. It is stabbed through the 'Get out of jail free card'.)
Middy - That one.
Vent - -narrating- He took us straight to Alouette.
Alouette - You have the gift of sight. This is a blessing, my child. Take them back where they were.
Middy - But they had a game and music!
Alouette - If you do not do as I say, you will have my foot in your ass. Comprende?
(At some place, Barrell is fixing a car.)
Data - Toss me a six.
(Data tosses a large foam number 6.)
Barrell - Dammit!. Better make it an 8.
(After talking to Barrell, X and Alia drive off.)
X - I think that old man is senile.
Alia - What about his 'dog'?
(Data begins yelling 'Bark! Bark!', then runs into the cornfield. After driving a ways, X yells.)
X - What is this, Monopoly?!
Alia - -points left- Go that way.
(Two large dice land nearby.)
X - Five spaces. Let's go. -turns left-
(Back at the station, Barrell opens up the hood to find Data's body on a spike.)
Barrell - That wasn't there before.
(Barrell closes the hood, reopens it, and finds a sexy woman underneath it.)
Splash Woman - Hi.
Barrell - Score!
(Barrell takes Splash Woman into the garage for some 'happy time', but Middy and Techno kill him for no specific reason. Later, Alouette preachs about her 'vision'.)
Alouette - He will have much power. More power than the blue man.
Everybody - All hail the blue man.
(Skullman, dressed in blue and perched like a scarecrow, turns to the camera.)
Skullman - I don't know what's creepier. The fact that they worship a skeleton or the fact that this is a cult made of kids.
(As X and Aile drive down a random road, they pass by a sign saying 'Galton: The Nicest Little Town In The Country', causing MSX to stifle a snicker. After reaching the town, nearly having their car stolen, and driving away, X slowly smirks.)
Alia - Don't...
X - I have to.
Alia - Don't.
X - I have to.
Alia - I'm warning you.
X - I have to.
Alia - I'll kill y-
X - This place is really corny.
(X begins laughing loudly as Alia strangles him. After Alia stops, the two enter a house and find Aile.)
Alia - Hi there.
Aile - Hi.
Record Player - I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny-
X - Uh...
Aile - It's my favorite song...
X - Right... I'm going to check out town hall.
Alia - Alone?
X - Yeah.
Alia - Are we safe?
X - Oh yeah.
Aile - -stifled snort-
X - What?
Aile - Nothing.
(While X is moving around town, he passes by a window that says, 'Wash me'. Upon conveniently finding a picture of Alia being sacrificed, X begins to run back to the house just as she's being taken away.)
Alia - Help me!
Ahnold - Take her to the cornfield. Sarah Conner must die. Tonight, we sacrifice her to God. Yes... All hail the blue man... -walks off-
(In the cornfield, they tie Alia to a cross, lift her up, then begin chanting 'Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!' In the church, X looks around in digust.)
X - You little bastards... You do it like this!
(X takes the knife, cuts off the man's arm, then soaks the girl in the blood.)
X - Now, take her to be sacrificed!
(The kids grab her and run off.)
X - And now... -stabs himself- I'm off!
(X begins running and is soon pursued by Middy. Just as X is cornered, Middy walks up.)
Middy - Look at me!
(Everyone looks at him, allowing X to run off.)
Middy - I didn't say Simon Says. Now catch him and repent!
(Inside a dark building, X strikes Middy over the head.)
X - Nyuk-nyuk. -smashes face in wall- Aw, fuck... -chuckles- I rhymed...
(After X gets away, Middy takes over and has Alouette swiotch places with Alia.)
Alouette - Blasphemer! Kill him! You will burn in the pits of raging fire forever! Heretic! Other nasty religious references! -random, absurd yelling-
(In the town, Middy byells with Alia at his side.)
Middy - Outlander! COme out or her life is mine!
(Middy goes to cut her with the machete, but Alia stops him.)
Alia - He's deaf.
Middy - Really? Oh...
(Middy chops off her hand, causing Alia to scream.)
Middy - Outlander! Maybe this will teach you to be deaf!
(That night, Alouette is covered in some kind of red ooze, then the cross she's tied to blasts off into outer space.)
Astronaut #1 - Houstan, we have a visual on what appears to be a young girl tied to a cross.
Alouette - -softly- Blasphemers! Heretics! Assholes!
Astronaut #2 - Scratch that, Houstan. It's just some bitch on her period.
Alouette - -softly- God will punish you all!
(After a subpar fight scene between X and Middy, Alouette spontaneously reappears, still crispy as ever.)
Alouette - -demonic tone- I will devour your soul, Middy. How dare you have a punny name!
(Inside the barn, Alia rips off part of Vent's vest.)
Vent - That's not a rag! -backhands Alia-
(Outside, X uses gasoline to activate the sprinklers, soaking the cornfield in the flammable liquid. He stands up and notices a large red cloud that forms the words 'You're fucked!')
X - Can't be a good sign.
(After throwing the Molotov cocktail, X, Alia, Vent, and Aile all share a hug until Vent starts.)
Vent - Look!
(Random explosions take place in the field.)
X - Flashy, but pointless...
(X reaches in the car just as Niege sits up.)
Niege - You must die!
(She misses by a mile and is knocked out cold by the door.)
Alia - Bitch.
X - So, an entire movie about a kiddie cult and an evil cornfield... How does Stephen King do it?
(A muscular Stephen King walks up.)
Stephen King - With steroids!
(He swallows some pills, then flies into the air, leaving the four speechless.)