Thanks for the feedback and comments. Hope you've enjoyed reading.
On with the bro-show:-)
Jay was embarrassed. Sure, he'd cried in front of Will before, but he hadn't ever broken down like this in front of his brother. Will had never been privy to this; Mouse was the only one. The fact that Will had witnessed a flashback, in all its hellish glory, was something Jay had wanted to avoid at all cost. He needed to keep his front, even to Will.
Still fighting for control Jay did his best to hide from Will's scrutiny. He'd stopped crying, able to put his feelings and anxiety back in the box deep down where they belonged. He was still feeling shaky, the memories still simmering under the surface where it threatened to break though if triggered.
"Jay? How're you doing?" Will's voice was low, he probably knew Jay was awake, but didn't want to spook him.
Jay's head was hurting, crying had exacerbated the aching. "I'm okay…sorry you had to see that one."
"Don't Jay, don't shut me out," Will said with a slight snap in his voice. "I know you hate that I know this is going on, but please don't apologize."
Jay didn't know how to do this. First, he didn't want to do this, to be this broke version of himself. And second, he didn't really know how letting anyone into this hellish place would help him.
"Sorry…Will, I just, I've dealt with this before, and talking about what happened doesn't really help, it makes it harder."
Will was quiet, obviously weighing his words before speaking. His hand grabbed Jay's shoulder, turning Jay over on his back to look at him.
"Talking about it probably triggers the flashbacks and nightmares, mostly because your brain hasn't learned to remember it without reliving it." Will said, his hand still on Jay's shoulder, keeping the connection.
Jay hadn't thought about it that way before.
"I do have a medical degree Jay. I practice emergency medicine but I do know the basics in more than my own specialty. Don't look so surprised." Will's eyebrows rose, a smile on his lips.
"So how do I not relive it then?" Jay wasn't sure how he would ever get where he wouldn't relive it. Just thinking about Afghanistan made his olfactory system conjure up the smell of the place. Thinking about waking up at the base, not able to breathe, the crushing pain was back in his chest.
"You get help, it's called therapy Jay," Will said, his hand squeezing Jay's shoulder harder, "You get therapy, I can get dr. Charles to see you, he's good."
Hearing the word therapy made Jay's skin crawl, just thinking about spilling his guts to someone made him scared of what would happen if he tried.
"Come on Jay, stop thinking, just say yes." Will stood up, put his hand out to help Jay sit up.
"Ah…okay…just give me some time," Jay still felt too raw and exposed to even try talking to anyone.
"Sure, I'll just let him know what's going on, and when this concussion stops kicking your butt, he'll see you."
Will looked happy, relieved, as he pulled jay up from the bed. Steadying him, making sure he had his footing before he released his hold on his arm.
"Come on, stop thinking, you need some food." Will pushed Jay along, hand around his back, steering him into the living room.
Will made them sandwiches, making sure Jay had some Advil for his headache and the antiemetic before serving him. Jay seemed to perk up a bit, making Will think he'd tuned a corner and was on the mend.
Jay was quieter than normal, but he did hassle Will about watching TV, stating he was bored out of his mind. Will had to snatch the phone away from his brother several times, as he caught him checking his messages and texting.
Will made Jay stay on the couch, making sure he took it easy the rest of the day. He kept vigil as Jay dozed, ready to stop any dreams from appearing.
When the sun set, Jay was growing restless, even if he didn't seem to have the energy to do anything but stay on the couch, he got up to wander the apartment.
Will let him wander around for a while, giving Jay space, knowing that he was growing restless for a reason. Nightfall was probably pretty scary when your worst nightmares were brewing, nightmares based on real events, so real he thought he was back there.
When he could see that Jay had exhausted himself so much that he was swaying on his feet, steadying himself with a hand against the wall or nearby furniture, he intervened.
"Come on Jay, sit down before you fall over." Will had been sitting quietly, pretending not to be worried or following his brother's every move.
When Jay stopped moving, his hand on the wall to keep himself upright. Looking up at Will their eyes met, Jay's telegraphing his feeling as they always did. Fear, Will thought, Jay was scared. His restlessness a symptom of anxiety.
"You need rest Jay, and sleep, it'll only get worse if you don't."
Jay didn't answer, turning to rest his back against the wall, it seemed like it was the only thing keeping him upright. Hands pushing through his hair he put his head back against the wall looking up at the ceiling.
"I just want it to stop Will," the desperation I Jay's voice tore at Will's heart.
"I know…" Will got up, walking over to Jay, just as his brother's legs seemed to give out from under him, making him slide down to sit down with is back against the wall.
Will crouched down in front of Jay, seeing the desperation in Jay's body language, he rested both hands on Jay's shoulders.
"I'm just so tired," Jay's voice broke at the last word, his eyes shining with emotion.
"Yeah, I know Jay, you need rest, fighting it won't make it any better."
Jay's eyes seemed to close of their own volition, his bandaged head resting back against the wall again. Letting out a breath he'd been holding he seemed to deflate in front of Will.
When his brother didn't look like he was going to move Will stood up, holding his hands out for Jay to grab hold of.
"Come on, go to bed, you can't stop sleeping Jay, it'll only make it worse."
It took a moment before Jay reacted, opening his eyes, seeing Will's hands he finally grabbed them and let Will pull him up.
Jay shuffled to the bathroom, closing the door, as Will started to clean up in the living room, preparing for another night on the couch keeping vigil over his brother.
CPDCPDCPDCPDCPDCPD
Jay kept tossing and turning, Will had given Jay some more Advil before he'd turned in. He'd offered Will the bed as Jay had rather stay awake then wait for the nightmares to begin. Tired but afraid of what he'd see when he closed his eyes, he was fighting the exhaustion but he knew he'd loose the battle in the end.
Finally, his eyes closed, sleep dragging his mind under, his defense gone.
Waking up was hard. Feeling returned first, the scratchy sheets under him, the pulling in his side, not painful but a sore and dull throbbing. Jay wanted to move but the lethargy made it difficult to mobilize the strength to do so and that scared him.
Taking stock of his situation Jay could feel hands, touching him, but he kept losing focus, drifting off for a while, then returning to the hands, now joined by voices.
He felt like he was coming back from somewhere, like his mind and body was waking up from a deep sleep, but he was still dipping in and out of hibernation, and with each time he surfaced he was closer to breaking though the haze surrounding him.
When he did break the surface, it was abrupt. It was like his body suddenly decided he'd slept enough, and he was growing restless.
"Jay…" a female voice above him, "he's coming around, let's get the doc in here for this."
He wanted to open his eyes, but eyelids were too heavy. There was a plastic tube in his mouth, he could feel it on his tongue, he tried to swallow but that only made him gag, realizing the tube was down his throat. He couldn't breathe, his brain was telling him the thing in his throat was obstructing his trachea.
"Jay? Relax, you're okay, take a deep breath," the voice returned, but Jay had a hard time doing what he was told.
Move voices appeared, Jay was struggling, his gag reflex making it impossible to tolerate whatever was down his throat. Moving to grab at the offending object he noticed he couldn't move his arms more that a few inches before they were restrained.
Opening his eyes, adrenaline flowing, he looked up at a white ceiling, his vision blurry. He was on a bed; people were filing in around his bed. Voices, calling his name. Looking down at his hands he could see he was restrained, wrists circled, tied to the bedrails.
Turning his head made the gag reflex kick in again, the sensation was overwhelming, Jay couldn't help struggling to get loose and away from whatever was going on.
"Jay! Stay calm, you're at the hospital, you were injured," hands were on him again. Holding on, pushing against his shoulders, legs, pinning him down.
"This isn't working, let's sedate again, Propofol 40 mg, then 50 of fentanyl."
Jay kept fighting, arms and legs reawakened by fear. Hands were still restraining him. Tears were streaming down his face, he wanted to scream but he had no control over his voice.
"Drugs on board…"
Jay felt himself start to slip…he was sliding backwards, into oblivion.
He woke with a start, fighting with the blankets covering him. The dream had been so real, the memory waking up in the hospital in Germany still vivid. That time had been filled with surreal dreams and sensations. He knew he'd mixed reality with dreams, his brain conjuring up horrible scenarios of torture and pain. He hadn't understood that nurses and doctors were helping him.
Sitting up to catch his breath, Jay threw the blankets away. His skin was clammy, his head throbbing in tune with his heartbeat.
"You alright?" Will's voice came floating through the open door to the living room.
"I'm okay…" Jay answered knowing his voice probably betrayed him as he could keep the trembling away.
He could hear the rustling of fabric as Will was moving, light coming on, footsteps coming closer.
Will appeared as Jay put his feet on the floor. Pushing his fingers through his hair, breathing in though his mouth and out through his nose to try and slow everything down to normal.
"Bad dream?" Will was standing in the doorway when Jay looked up.
"Yeah…sorry I woke you…"
"Nah, it's fine, the door was open for a reason, you okay?" Will stayed by the door letting Jay have some distance and privacy. The tears staining his cheeks a testament to how much the dream affected him.
"Ah…yeah, I'm fine…or you know…not fine maybe but you know, I'm awake." Jay even tried to put a smile on his face to calm Will down.
"Think you can get back to sleep? Sick or dizzy or anything?" Will was studying his brother to tell if he was as fine as he claimed to be.
"I'm okay, not going to barf or anything," Jay smiled back at Will, "not sure about sleep though, wish I could watch some tv just to distract my brain."
Will thought about it for a moment, he'd kept Jay from watching tv ever since he'd brought him home from the hospital, he was depriving Jay from one of his coping mechanisms.
"Fine, I'll let you have the remote and the couch for half an hour," Will waved at Jay to follow him to the living room.
Jay got comfortable, hogging Will's blanket, positioned at the end of the couch. Will served him some apple juice and cookies to maybe get some calories in him as they watched the Discovery Channel, something about quantum mechanics that even Will had trouble following.
Will didn't know when, but Jay finally fell asleep. He turned to point out something about the Higgs Bosom when he found Jay had slid down, his head resting on a pillow. Deep in sleep he looked okay, the bandage only disturbing the picture. Deep slow breaths and features lax in sleep.
Will got up and tucked the blanket up so Jay wouldn't get cold. Hoping for a quiet night he snuck into Jay's bedroom to get some rest himself. He needed to gather his strength as well if he was going to be of any use to Jay.
Planning to contact Dr. Charles the next day, adamant about getting Jay help. His brother was not going to be doing this alone anymore, no matter what.
Will closed his eyes that night, certain that he finally was doing something good for his brother.
AN: This is it for me! Hope you've enjoyed.
If anyone wants to prompt me you're welcome to leave a comment.
I can't promise anything, but if I'm inspired I might post something here on again. Hurt/comfort/whump is my flavor of fic, if you hadn't guessed that yet, and I do know my way around a hospital.
Thanks again for reading:-)